I think I am goiong to do it.

Old 12-27-2013, 01:59 PM
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I think I am goiong to do it.

Ive woken up this morning and realised...I'm finally at that point...I just cant do this anymore.

I want to put this out there to make myself accountable.

Ah always had some sort of bizarre line in the sand...he'd be able to moderate in front of the kids, didn't come home drunk etc etc and this enabled me to continue to deceive myself that 'the kids aren't really affected'.

But over the last few months that has changed. As things do in a progressive disease I guess. Last night, watching him slam down 3 bottles of wine in the space of an hour between 6-7pm in front of his son, watching my 5 yo get antsy and uncomfortable, watching AH roar at him "BEDTIME" (an hour before he usually goes), yelling out random words, saying meaningless stuff, or just plain mean stuff, telling him "Mummy hates Daddy" etc I realised enough is enough.

What others have said finally sunk in. I have a choice. The kids do not. That and people repeatedly saying how peaceful life is without the constant anxiety over their A's...

So....with a pounding heart, a churning stomach and bile in my mouth I say....I have to tell him to leave.

This is going to be a process... I have to get some ducks in a row first. I need a plan. Comments or additions (or deletions) to my plan would be much appreciated as I have received such wisdom here and I get the feeling that leaving an alcoholic might be different to leaving a normal spouse. My therapist has told me that my need to focus on the practical is a way of avoiding my emotions and an effort to control....am still working through that and the need to not make mistakes I made last time I left a marriage.

- keep seeing my therapist, reading and contributing here, al-anon
- consult lawyer about how to best protect my son (my first 2 kids are from my 1st marriage)
- consult lawyer about proposing an asset/ debt split to ah
- finish the process of having my name added to the title of our house to protect my claim to assets.
- continue to put aside some of my income so I have a financial safety net.
- see my countries version of SS to see if I get any benefits as a single parent
- get a new job (AH and I work very, very closely together)
- consult child psych to see if kids could benefit from counselling and also work out how to tell kids and what to say
- get copies of all paperwork and take to Mums
- work out back up plan is ah resists me keeping the house...
- get paperwork to put holiday house on market (it will take a very long time to sell...things on market for average of a year)
- keep log of ah activities (for custody)

What have I missed - what else should I be doing?
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Old 12-27-2013, 02:10 PM
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Good job on making a plan! I'm sorry that you have to make one, but it's great that you are taking control of your life!
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Old 12-27-2013, 02:32 PM
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I would start by speaking with an attorney to discuss custody and financial issues first and then quietly plan from there. I started recording my AH when he was drunk in an effort to secure my children's safety if/when we separate. Oddly enough, recording him and then sharing those recordings with him is what made him realize he needed help and needed to be devoted to getting help ASAP. He keeps telling me that he is learning more and more every day how deep rooted his issues are. I digress, I would start there and do what you need to do to provide safety for your kids. That may include speaking with a women's shelter or CPS to create a paper trail if your AH is being abusive. Paper trail is vitally important.
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Old 12-27-2013, 02:47 PM
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While my ex was still here I paid all my household bills in advance,i internet bank,and every week I paid something into them,it means all my winter bills due are paid before they arrive.Helps a bit
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Old 12-27-2013, 03:21 PM
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Jarp, I am so sorry that alcoholism has brought you to this in your life, AND very proud of you for being able to see and not deny the truth.

I am not an accountant, lawyer, financial planner or any kind of expert about any of this. I’m just sharing what I learned for myself having gone through having to leave my alcoholic husband suddenly 18 months ago. So take what I say with a grain or two of salt.

There are lots of ways to think about and prepare to leave your AH, depending on your situation. Your have children, and a young son, and it is imperative that you keep your family safe. So, if it were me, I'd make an emergency plan first so that you have a quick safe exit route should you need it.

That means having a safe place to go if you need to leave quickly, and enough clothing, medicine, minimal toys and such to get along for a few days for each of you.

• Extra set of keys, including car keys and house keys.
• Extra phone charger, and perhaps an extra “throw away” phone with pre-purchased minutes.
• List of contacts with phone numbers/e-mail like doctors, school, friends, carpool parents, kids activity contact numbers that is not just on your phone.
• Copy of your computer bookkeeping software on a flash drive
• Copy of bank accounts, credit cards, retirement accounts, etc. with account numbers, account names, phone numbers, addresses, and whether you are listed first or second on the acccounts.
• A list of all the web-sites, user names, and passwords for your acounts, joint accounts and,if you can get them quietly, his only accounts
• Copies of insurance policies, trusts if any, deeds, car titles, mortgage terms, etc.

As for what to do right away, I’d say make sure your finances are well in hand now. My husband took my name off all the credit cards except the one where I was listed first. So, right now, get a couple all purpose credit cards in your name only with as high a credit limit as possible. Set up your own bank account, in your name only, and have the statements sent some place else. If you haven't, start to establish your own credit history in your owm name.

Find out exactly what the procedure is to have your paycheck direct deposited into your own account so you can do that immediately upon leaving. Figure out what you need for a very short term emergency budget, then a short-term “I have to live somewhere” budget, then a longer term maintenance budget for maintaining a separated household.

So what I’m basically saying is do first what you’ll need if you have to leave suddenly, and what you’ll need to live apart and file for divorce if you can’t get back into your house again. My husband changed the locks. I was glad I had copied al the bookkeeping files and documents. He did not file proper financial numbers, and that was quickly conceded and corrected when I was able to show the Quicken files he had kept with the true values of property. I thought he was hiding money, but it turned out that he gambled some away on the stock market.

You are wise to quietly get your name on the house deed ASAP. If you don’t, it doesn’t mean that you don’t have rights to it, but it is easier with the joint ownership. Since you were married before, and have other property, get any data on what the value of the property was when you got married, and proof that you both paid for it while you were married so that you can claim part of its value even if it is not in your name.

Immediately upon leaving, I transferred half of our joint cash assets into my account so that I had equal access to cash as he did. This took away a lot of his leverage to freeze me out financially and make me come back because I could not afford to live on my own. His lawyer was not happy, but my lawyer countered that there was no reason I couldn’t have half of those assets in my name and I had not and would not spend them or dissipate them.

It was a very acrimonious financial divorce negotiation because my AH alternately hoped to force me back by proving to me I could only survive financially under his thumb, or punishing me for leaving. I had to play hardball. My lawyer was tough enough to stand up for me and refuse to, at my insistence, capitulate on anything that was not fair.

Some lawyers kind of “pull their punches” by telling their client “the Judge will never approve this, so let’s go in with something much less and see what we get”. I refused to do that and said I didn’t care and couldn’t control what a Judge might eventually rule. I said "Right now, we are negotiating directly with an angry brilliant alcoholic who wants to punish me", and I refused to give an inch.

Ultimately I think the settlement was as good as it could be. I conceded some points, but only when I got something in return. I didn’t want to punish my XAH; I only wanted to leave him. I wanted as fair a share as possible since starting over at 63 was a bit later than optimal.

And now I am doing what I have to make it work, and I am excited about my next edition of life and very happy on my own.

Help this hopes,

ShootingStar1
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Old 12-27-2013, 10:24 PM
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My attorney told me to open my own accounts in my own name, clean out half of current checking and savings, remove him as beneficiary on life policies, and to do it all before i file. Also advised me to keep a daily journal for custody battle with times , photos and receipts. I also print off all texts and put w journal. Get all paperwork including kids. Know his social security number if you dont already. Make sure your name is also on title of vehicles.

Hugs, im right here with you.
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Old 12-28-2013, 02:24 AM
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Best of luck - you have obviously really thought it through.
Hx
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Old 12-28-2013, 02:35 AM
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Hi Jarp
I'm sorry you find yourself at this point but I admire how you are handling it.
Years ago in another life that was nothing to do with an A where you are now was relevant for me.
I think everyone's advice is great but I would point out Shootingstar's post as important. Perhaps a box in the trunk of the car with essentials in case you have to leave in a hurry ? I know one girl who left when her two year old had a cold. She was upset because she left without his fever meds and he didn't have socks on. Now eventually she stopped at the store and bought these things. It really wasn't a big deal but she said she wished she had been more "ready".
Cookies and toys in the car can't hurt.
I wish you well.
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Old 12-28-2013, 03:26 AM
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My five cents?
Planning practical things is not avoidance - it's necessary. You've got the rest of your life to figure out the emotional mess; right now, the important part is to get out.

My only advice is to be careful. Be aware that your decision and your planning will change your behavior in a way he may very well notice. The A I was married to had never hit me until the night I left. I don't know if your AH is physically abusive, but the leaving is a dangerous point in time.

And I hear a sense of relief in your voice. Also, know that leaving him is not abandoning him. It's stepping out of the way so he gets to feel the full consequences of his drinking. It may be the biggest favor anyone has ever done him.
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Old 12-28-2013, 04:21 AM
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Copies of about 5 years worth of prior tax returns.
A safety deposit box for important papers like:
  • The children's birth certificates.
  • Your birth certificate.
  • A copy of your marriage license.
  • Your passport.
  • The title to your car (if you have one in your name only).
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Old 12-28-2013, 08:07 AM
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Thank you for this post. So much good information here! I'm in a similar spot (except I'm asking him to leave.) I started my list a few weeks ago but it seems there are quite a few things I didn't consider or include.
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Old 12-28-2013, 05:06 PM
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Is this thread a candidate for a sticky? I am not inclined to print at the moment, yet I don't want to have to search for the info when I am ready to pull the plug. I also think it might be valuable for newcomers as well.

Thanks!
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Old 12-28-2013, 07:57 PM
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Thank you so much everyone, especially shooting star got such a great and comprehensive list. You've given me loads of things to get started on.

My plan is to ask him to leave and I'm 99% sure he'd do that, but on the chance he doesn't then I need a plan b or emergency plan if things go bad.

Although I might not even need to. Every 6 months of do he's tried to leave and in my finest codependant self I beg him to stay. He recently tried to leave again (he wasn't meant to be a family man, loves me but isn't in love with me, cd my stand my kids, had no joy in life, we hold him back blah blah blah). We're on a tense and horrid holiday and he's gettk g ready to explode. So I am preparing myself dig him to give me the leaving speech again, and this time I'll just 'let' him go.


Thx again!
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Old 12-28-2013, 10:44 PM
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But over the last few months that has changed. As things do in a progressive disease I guess. Last night, watching him slam down 3 bottles of wine in the space of an hour between 6-7pm in front of his son, watching my 5 yo get antsy and uncomfortable, watching AH roar at him "BEDTIME" (an hour before he usually goes), yelling out random words, saying meaningless stuff, or just plain mean stuff, telling him "Mummy hates Daddy" etc I realised enough is enough.

It hurts me to read this, but I'm so glad you shared. I am ashamed that I let it go past this point in my life. Believe me, it will get so much worse if you stay. My children saw and experienced so much horrendous, unacceptable, abusive behavior because I CHOSE to stay in a relationship living with an active alcoholic. My children were in harm's way because I put them there. I let the alcoholic dictate what our lives would be, rather than being the mother I should have been and protecting them.
I am sending prayers and strength your way. I know how hard it is to take that first step, but I'm here to tell you that if you take it, you and your children will blossom in the peace that you find. Take care.
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Old 12-29-2013, 11:21 AM
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Originally Posted by jarp View Post
My plan is to ask him to leave and I'm 99% sure he'd do that, but on the chance he doesn't then I need a plan b or emergency plan if things go bad.
I would add a backup to your backup plan in case the back up plan fails.

Like you, I'm planning to ask AH to leave. My backup plan was to stay with family for a few days while finding an apartment if AH refuses to leave. I tentatively broached the subject of asking AH to leave with my family (did not even mention staying with them.) They were all clear. They believe my DS is being a brat and needs to "compromise" by coming home and I need to suck it up and stay with AH. When I mentioned that AH was not "compromising" or working to improve the situation and used concrete examples, they said that was just my perception? Not sure how AH not going to AA, quitting counseling, not making any effort to contact DS, and starting drinking again is a "perception"? End result is that I'm now working on a backup plan that does not require me to rely on someone else or stay with family.

I'm sorry that your holiday is horrid
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Old 12-29-2013, 11:46 AM
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Like you, I'm planning to ask AH to leave. My backup plan was to stay with family for a few days while finding an apartment if AH refuses to leave. I tentatively broached the subject of asking AH to leave with my family (did not even mention staying with them.) They were all clear. They believe my DS is being a brat and needs to "compromise" by coming home and I need to suck it up and stay with AH. When I mentioned that AH was not "compromising" or working to improve the situation and used concrete examples, they said that was just my perception? Not sure how AH not going to AA, quitting counseling, not making any effort to contact DS, and starting drinking again is a "perception"? End result is that I'm now working on a backup plan that does not require me to rely on someone else or stay with family.
I can understand how difficult this must be. I was thinking of bringing up the subject with my mother about the fact that I am considering leaving my AH, but after watching her fawn all over him an tell everyone at the table how wonderful he is during Christmas dinner, I don't see that happening at all. These two could not stand one another a year ago, and now they are buddies. Of course, I have suspected her of NPD for several years, and everything that happens in her life (and those around her) must be at her convenience. So, no family support here either. My back-up plans will involve my friends instead.
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Old 12-29-2013, 11:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Yurt View Post
I can understand how difficult this must be. I was thinking of bringing up the subject with my mother about the fact that I am considering leaving my AH, but after watching her fawn all over him an tell everyone at the table how wonderful he is during Christmas dinner, I don't see that happening at all. These two could not stand one another a year ago, and now they are buddies. Of course, I have suspected her of NPD for several years, and everything that happens in her life (and those around her) must be at her convenience. So, no family support here either. My back-up plans will involve my friends instead.
I'm sorry you're in the same boat I was blindsided. I really should'nt have been. All of my sisters are currently or previously have been married to men with histories of drug & alcohol abuse and addictions. My situation hits too close to home and they're not ready to be honest about their own situations. I know my parents would still take us in if it came to that, but when I leave/make him leave, I will need support, not guilt trips & condemnation. Those will just make me more likely to cave & go back. Last night I was very upset. This morning, I see things more clearly and am not so upset about it. I'm trying out a different al-anon group tonight. I'm sure that will make me feel even better

Good luck with your plans. I hope 2014 is a much better year for all of us!
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Old 07-20-2014, 04:19 AM
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Leaving?

Has anyone left even though they were scared to do so? Where did you go? A shelter, friend's house, far away? How did you get the courage to take that one final step to leave an angry person? Sometimes it's so much easier to stay with what is known and familiar.

Thanks.
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Old 02-17-2015, 09:10 AM
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Thank you for posting this...I am questioning what to do with my marriage. I started a Plan B... then my AH could "feel" something was going on...I don't know how they do that...I too have packed a bag in my mini van in case I have to leave suddenly. Phone charger is a great idea, I didn't think about that...
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Old 02-17-2015, 02:40 PM
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Jarp - I have no advice to add I think its been covered. Just wanted you to know I have been thinking about you. I am sorry the path he has chosen, and am happy you are choosing a different one.
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