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I want to cry but can't

Old 06-15-2004, 02:10 PM
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I want to cry but can't

Just a few moments ago while sitting in my cube of a big state office building I received a phoned call. This call was from Rachelle a 13 year old girl. Rachelle was my foster daughter for 3 years until last July. When I came forward with a plea for help CPS removed all the children from my home.

Now in another foster home she called me out of the blue still calling me Dad....I recognized her sweet girlish voice right away. It was so hard talking in the office with her without breaking down so I purposely kept the conversation short.

Her bio. mother on July 2nd will have 1 year clean and sober an absolute miracle and at the end of August Rachelle is going to be able to live with her again. She seems very happy with this, I sure hope her mother keeps the path.

I miss her sooooo much, I am going to my regular Alanon meeting tonight at 7:00 and need to share about how difficult it is to process such a call at work.

It was all I could do to tell her I loved her and was happy for her without blubbering all over myself.....I sure screwed up a good thing.

It really sucks having to hide your emotions and remain professional......but I have plenty of practice at it for I was born into the Alanon program and worked my way into the AA program.....so running from my pain is deeply engrained in my head.
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Old 06-15-2004, 02:33 PM
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I am sorry for your pain. Keep talking about it, it helps. Take care
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Old 06-15-2004, 03:02 PM
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ANDE,

im sorry for your pain too. but, if its any consolation ... i dont think she'd call you if she didnt love and appreciate what you've done for her. im adopted, and i dont call my bio parents or family anymore. i know you weren't her bio fam, but you must have made a positive impact in her life for her to reach out to you like that. hang in there ANDE! oh yeah, i think its supercool that you opened your home as a fosterparent. that takes a special person!

hugs,

dot
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Old 06-15-2004, 03:04 PM
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Sorry to hear about your sadness. You are doing the right thing by talking about it. When I keep things inside and let them eat at me, all the closer I become to picking up that first one. That's the one that will get me. I'll say a prayer for you.

Sherry
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Old 06-15-2004, 03:55 PM
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Ande
Thank You for Sharing!
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Old 06-15-2004, 05:06 PM
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I'm glad your now here with us, where you can share that pain and hopefully learn to let some of it go. *hugs*
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Old 06-15-2004, 05:27 PM
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My heart goes out to you Roger, sorry about this happening to you, like the other mentioned, it's good to get things off your chest.

I commend you on being a foster parent....I know full well what that's about, and I know how easy it is to get attached to children, they are like your own after they've been in your home. I think it's great she called you, and called you Dad....that should make you feel pretty darn proud of yourself, you did a wonderful job. I know you're in pain, I hope you find some peace in this.

Take care of yourself.

Hugs.....Denise ( I cried for you)
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Old 06-16-2004, 08:32 AM
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Thank you all

Your words of encouragement were much appreciated....that call from Rachelle was one of those little coincidences that are occuring in my life so frequently these days. Today is "bring your kids to work day" and children are in abundance around here. Rachelle's call helped me be prepared for today and enjoy the wonder of children visiting the offices here. There will be over 250 children here today.

I went to my regular Tues. night Alanon meeting last evening and lo-and-behold I was asked to chair the evenings meeting. We had a newcomer and the meeting just developed into such a wonderful meeting, one of those meetings that you just walk out with a buzz. The buzz that comes from just being a small part of something greater than ourselves. One of our newer members, Tiffany, who until last night was unable to share because she would just cry if she tried was there. Tiffany delivered one of the most powerful messages of hope I have heard in quite awhile, the unsuspecting newcomer just sat spellbound. The amazing thing is Tiffany started with tears of grattitude and ended with sounds of laughter through the tears.

I myself had tears in my eyes while laughing with the rest of the group and something happened one of those moments arrived like a dawning. Or a pop. There was a rush of tears, an exclamation, then a slow grin... but there was no doubt about the reality of a epiphany of sorts a spontaneous emotional healing.

I am so grateful to Alanon and A.A. which has taught me to witness the coincidences. The coincidence of the variety: I have come to believe are nothing short of small miracles of God which He has not put His autograph on.

Once again may peace find each of you for your responses brought the peace of mind to me this wonderful morning.

Roger
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Old 06-16-2004, 08:36 AM
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I feel like I was at the meeting with you, thank you...
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Old 06-16-2004, 08:47 AM
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Originally Posted by ANDE5664
The amazing thing is Tiffany started with tears of grattitude and ended with sounds of laughter through the tears.
Thanks for sharing that Roger.
Add my moist eyes to Tiffany's and yours.
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Old 06-17-2004, 07:26 AM
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Good Morning to you all:

Last night was the Big Book study that I have been given the gift of service by being the secratary. We started on Chapter 5 "How it Works" last night. We made it through a page and a half right to the Steps.....we took the evening real slow and thorough....a lot of good stuff was shared. With only six of us there last night it was a real intimate and informal meeting.

Funny how sometimes our Big Book studies have a hard time attracting much attendance as the weeks go on...but for the ones who do attend much is learned.
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Old 06-17-2004, 10:11 AM
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Good Morning Roger!!!!
Ya Big Book Meetings take more work and dedication
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