Yurt

I have so much rolling around in my head, and apparently so many others do as well. Perhaps it is because the Difficult holiday is behind us, or because a new year is approaching. But I see a basic need to know what is my next step.

I also have observed that many are discussing the different perceptions or points of view that relate to our A's or situations. Personally, I still feel like I need to be validated with my decisions from others in my life. Rationally, I know that this is not true, but perhaps the holidays bring out my inner codiness.

I will spell out my dilemas at the risk of judgement (I know; it doesn't happen here, but I am feeling guilty as hell at the moment).

I joined this group in June, hoping to find answers about alcholism and I was even optimistic about "fixing" the problem with my AH. Ha!
Some issues that I have had:
How much must he drink to be classified as an A? (pretty much decided that if it is a problem for those around him, then he is. Check, 68 units a week on average)
Will he acknowledge that he has a problem? (nope. Check)
If/when I leave, do I need to justify my choices with other loved ones? (still working on that one. Not Checked)
Will my choice to leave still depend on DD17's graduation date? (still not sure, but leaning toward no. Not checked)

I guess my my biggest dilema is trying to figure out the right path. I have been asking for guidance from my HP a lot recently and leaving myself open to an answer, but it still alludes me.

To make matters even more difficult (this is the hard part), I have become even closer to my counselor friend. I realize that spending time with him makes it harder to make rational decisions, but how do you say no to someone that actually enjoys your company? (for the record, there is nothing more than hugs and hand-holding) I haven't felt this connected to anyone in years.

Ifnotforgrace

For me If the Steps were considered school then the Serenity Prayer would be kindergarten.

God grant me the Serenity...

I need serenity to be able to think. At the beginning I have to be mindful that MY thinking is distorted. I am not at my best. I must become Serene and be aware that MY life is unmanageable in it's present state.

That being said..It is evident that changes need to be made. I must start to discern what I can change, what it takes to change and allow that change time to resonate.

For me discernment meant becoming aware of so many things. One of the main things I found was that I was pinning my happiness to the actions or inactions of another person rather than taking responsibility for my own happiness.

Happiness does not come from my mate, my children nor my job. While I desire to enjoy all these things the happiness must come from within. The bliss of marriage for me is when I can share my happiness with my spouse, but it does not and should not solely depend on my "relationship" status.

I had been so focused on my "relationship" that I no longer knew what gave me joy. I had lost my sense of wonderment and the desire to grow. I had no desire other than to fix the A's in my life-which I had learned was not my job and even if I had taken the job, I was not qualified to do so. I had fully embraced the 3 C's (Control, Cause nor Cure). So I started with lists..

Gratitude List, Goal List, Victory List, Things I wanted to Change list and a Fun/Self-Care list (this was the hardest)...

But actually writing them out and Putting First things First was a place to start as I worked on the 1st 3 steps and Took the pamphlet of JFT to heart.

I resolved to make no major decisions or changes in my life until I had some idea what my idea of healthy and happy were and how to get there. All I knew do to had not worked, so I had to do different to get different and that is where I started. The sense of urgency would have to wait..Easy does it, Keep and Open Mind and Learn to FLY.. (First Love Yourself) or in other words Detach from the A's.

All that kept me busy for awhile. A Long...while.

JustAGirl1971

I can so relate to this post, Yurt. Tweak a few details & I could have written it myself. I think that's true for many of us.

The validation thing is a major issue for me as well. I can see where many of my past decisions were made based on my need for acceptance and validation by others. Logically, I understand that the only validation I need is from myself & my HP. Realistically, though, I still frequently find myself falling into validation-seeking behavior. Sometimes recognition is enough to stop the behavior, sometimes not. Two steps forward and all that, I guess.

The other thing you said that resonated with me is the statement that despite seeking guidance from your HP, the answer still alludes you. This is exactly how I feel. One day I will think I have the answer (make him leave PRONTO and move DS home PRONTO), the next day, I think that's me speaking, based on what I want, not my HP. Ideally, I think the advice to not make any major decisions early in recovery is good; however, when there are children in the home, it's not always realistic.

Ultimately, I think the need for validation by others may be what's tripping me up in my decision making? I don't trust what I know? I don't know if that makes sense.... In the end, I just have to believe if I keep working on me, and seeking my HP's guidance, he will provide me with the answer (& I'll recognize it as such )

All that, just to let you know that you're not alone! Hugs, here's to a happier, healthier new year for both of us

Yurt

For the past few days, I have tried to open myself to suggestions from my HP, and I see a glimmer. I had a doctor's appointment this week to address the sudden weight loss that I have experienced in the last 4 months along with some other symptoms that concerned me. One issue that she is looking at quite closely is that I might have thyroid problems, which might explain why my anxiety has ratcheted up during this time period as well. If this is the case, and it is easily treatable, then I should be able to make some rational decisions again soon. I downloaded Melody Beattie's book "Choices" the other day as well, and while my decisions may be painful to make, I guess they will be mine to make. Depending on what the lab results tell me, and what the doctor says, I may also take on counseling or therapy to help guide me. I just feel like I am a mess at the moment, and cannot do it all on my own.

JustAGirl1971

I like this The choices may be painful and they may be difficult, but they're still ours to make. Owning those choices is key for me. My fear of failure is so great that I frequently will avoid making choices in order to avoid failing. The problem is, not choosing is itself a choice.

I'm in counseling. It started out as faith-based marriage counseling. AH stopped going and I'm going alone. I really, really like my counselor, but I think a counselor who specializes in addictions or alcoholism would be more helpful. When I confessed that I'd searched the garage for alcohol last month, she told me that was good. She went so far to say that sometimes it's necessary to hire a private investigator to discern the truth of the situation. The realization that I've come to is that I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to snoop around for proof of his misdeeds. I need trust and respect in a relationship and hiring a PI or searching the garage is not respectful. She's also made multiple comments that would probably be really helpful in a normal marriage but is not helpful when you're married to an A. If you do counseling, you may want to consider looking for a counselor who specializes in addictions. I wish I had (thankfully, DS's counselor does specialize in addictions & he's been really helpful.) Al-anon helps, too.

I hope your health gets sorted out, Yurt. It sounds like you have a lot going on. Does your DD graduate this year?

Yurt

Unfortunately, some of what I have going on that is causing my angst is of my own making. I think my decision making process is very sc***ed up at the moment. I need to hit the pause button and think things through. My DD graduates next year, and is on track to obtain several scholarships as well. One issue that concerned me was that I might be messing with her chances if I made a move before then. I am just so danged unhappy now, I don't know if I can wait that long.

JustAGirl1971

Are they income based scholarships? If not, I'm not so sure how leaving would affect them? Also, depending on whether your AH works/provides an income, she may/may not be eligible for more income based aid if you divorce. Really depends on the circumstances. If she graduates this spring and has already received acceptance letters, the financial aid office at those schools could probably help answer those questions. Once you've filed her FAFSA next March, those schools can absolutely help answer your questions.

Hammer

Outstanding. All prayed up and on the launch deck and ready?

Here is what much wiser folks than I have found . . .

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Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

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You will be fine, Yurt.

Everything is right where it should be, right now.

Yurt

In addition to any income based scholarships that she may be eligible for, she will probably also qualify for some merit based monies. That is what I am concerned about the most. I have been afraid that if I disrupted the family, she might lose her focus. I work in the education field and have seen what can happen when lives are tossed around with divorce. And unfortunately, we don't have the resources to compensate. I have been having conversations with her, and she does understand that a move might be happening in the near future. She did tell me that I can't wait until she graduates, that she doesn't think that she could live alone with AH. I assured her that this would not happen. When exploring options, it has been with the assumption that she would be living with me.

Yurt

Thanks, Hammer; you give me hope. I have never been very spiritual or religious, but I am opening my mind and my heart. Funny thing...My counselor friend is very religious, so I don't know where his interest in me comes from. He doesn't preach, but he does tell me about his activities and involvement with his own church.