I should have known better
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
I should have known better
Why am I continually surprised by my AH's crap??
Condensed version: His elderly mom fell, needed surgery so he decided to fly up for a short visit. The kids and I were meeting him in our hometown so he could have Christmas with them. I wanted it to be a surprise for the girls for obvious reasons. Of course he told them about the trip and promised them fabulous gifts he supposedly bought them.
Supposed to fly in today at noon. Got a call from him yesterday that he had time wrong, he would arrive at night. Calls this morning to say he's sick he will come tmrw.
I remained calm for the most part but told him kids will be disappointed. I did toss in a few words about his gf (who he swears its over with. More lies)
He proceeds to tell me the real reason he's postponing the flight is bc he can't take all my questioning. I need to just decide now what I want from the relationship and questions will only be answered I'm counseling according to him. OR he can just talk to my lawyer.
Unbelievable. Guess he's not done with his addictions. So sad that he's destroying everything he once worked so hard for. I have to believe there are better things ahead for me if I just keep moving forward on my own path.
Condensed version: His elderly mom fell, needed surgery so he decided to fly up for a short visit. The kids and I were meeting him in our hometown so he could have Christmas with them. I wanted it to be a surprise for the girls for obvious reasons. Of course he told them about the trip and promised them fabulous gifts he supposedly bought them.
Supposed to fly in today at noon. Got a call from him yesterday that he had time wrong, he would arrive at night. Calls this morning to say he's sick he will come tmrw.
I remained calm for the most part but told him kids will be disappointed. I did toss in a few words about his gf (who he swears its over with. More lies)
He proceeds to tell me the real reason he's postponing the flight is bc he can't take all my questioning. I need to just decide now what I want from the relationship and questions will only be answered I'm counseling according to him. OR he can just talk to my lawyer.
Unbelievable. Guess he's not done with his addictions. So sad that he's destroying everything he once worked so hard for. I have to believe there are better things ahead for me if I just keep moving forward on my own path.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Calif
Posts: 757
Catherine
how long have you been married? sort of sounds like your kids are young. have you ever had an addiction?
that is sad that he makes a decides his addiction over his children. i think it is important to decide what you want from your marriage from your AH. do you want to continue to live with his addiction? no matter what you do, you cannot get him sober, only he can decide if and when. i might see it as the longer you live with it, the more you might become tolerate of his addiction to a point you might be enabling him.
you said he is destroying everything he worked for, i would be afraid that he might destroy so much, that there is nothing to go to, especially for your girls.
how long have you been married? sort of sounds like your kids are young. have you ever had an addiction?
that is sad that he makes a decides his addiction over his children. i think it is important to decide what you want from your marriage from your AH. do you want to continue to live with his addiction? no matter what you do, you cannot get him sober, only he can decide if and when. i might see it as the longer you live with it, the more you might become tolerate of his addiction to a point you might be enabling him.
you said he is destroying everything he worked for, i would be afraid that he might destroy so much, that there is nothing to go to, especially for your girls.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
We have been married 9 yrs, but together for nearly 20. Kids are young. I've never had an addiction, unless you count my addiction to him.
It's a hard disease to understand. I can't live with it anymore. The addiction counselors that were working with us told me he's in the end stages. They said there is always hope but at this point it would take a miracle. They used to say he's not done yet and I wondered how they could possibly know. Now that I've been around people in recovery I can see how a person's entire demeanor changes. The blaming stops. There is acceptance and humbleness and a willingness to look inward. I have great respect for those that have turned their lives around. I don't see any of that with my A.
It seems daunting to think about a divorce, dividing everything up, custody, etc. But living with active addiction would be far, far worse. It was destroying my health before we separated.
Now I am very sad for our kids. He used to be such an involved dad. All I can do is get and stay healthy for them and continue to educate them about this disease.
It's a hard disease to understand. I can't live with it anymore. The addiction counselors that were working with us told me he's in the end stages. They said there is always hope but at this point it would take a miracle. They used to say he's not done yet and I wondered how they could possibly know. Now that I've been around people in recovery I can see how a person's entire demeanor changes. The blaming stops. There is acceptance and humbleness and a willingness to look inward. I have great respect for those that have turned their lives around. I don't see any of that with my A.
It seems daunting to think about a divorce, dividing everything up, custody, etc. But living with active addiction would be far, far worse. It was destroying my health before we separated.
Now I am very sad for our kids. He used to be such an involved dad. All I can do is get and stay healthy for them and continue to educate them about this disease.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I encourage you to have a consult with an attorney. We have been together for 16 yrs and I thought it would be very difficult to separate our lives. Come to find out, it will not be nearly as complicated as I thought as far as property is concerned. I felt very much more in control once I visited with the attorney and much more calm.
You are obviously a great mom. You cannot accept responsiblility for his bad behaviors, just help your kids deal with them which it seems you are already having to do anyways.
Hugs. I hope you take some time to enjoy the new year with your children!
You are obviously a great mom. You cannot accept responsiblility for his bad behaviors, just help your kids deal with them which it seems you are already having to do anyways.
Hugs. I hope you take some time to enjoy the new year with your children!
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Don't you love how it's always our fault when the A makes a bad decision??? HE doesn't keep his word to his girls, but it's YOUR fault because he can't take all your questioning. QUACK....ugh!
He's shown you who he is at this point. Take care of you and the girls. Detach from his quacking, and let him talk to your lawyer.
He's shown you who he is at this point. Take care of you and the girls. Detach from his quacking, and let him talk to your lawyer.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 44
Hi Catherine,
I really feel for you with the shifting times thing. Its a big trigger for me as its usually the first sign that my A ( although really, he's not mine any more) is drinking again. I really relate to a lot of the the things in your post.
You sound like a fab mummy to your girls and I wish you all the strength in the world for carrying on that journey on your own. Its hard to accept that after 20 years and two children that life won't be as planned. But for both you and I the future has to be fantastic because we have daughters who need it to be.
I really feel for you with the shifting times thing. Its a big trigger for me as its usually the first sign that my A ( although really, he's not mine any more) is drinking again. I really relate to a lot of the the things in your post.
You sound like a fab mummy to your girls and I wish you all the strength in the world for carrying on that journey on your own. Its hard to accept that after 20 years and two children that life won't be as planned. But for both you and I the future has to be fantastic because we have daughters who need it to be.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Calif
Posts: 757
sorry to hear about your situtation.
you been with him for a long time. i know it must be difficult to make a big change. i had an addiction to alcohol also. my wife started to say the same things as you are. that is what made me finally make a change. it was difficult to say the least. as of now i been completely sober for over 13 months now.
but as i look back, i had to make the change for myself, no matter as much as i wanted to be with my family. deep down if your AH wanted to make a change, he can do it, but as you know sometimes addiction can be very powerful. sometimes it takes the loss of everything to make a change.
but if you ask me, the most difficult decisions should have your daughter's best interest in mind. i dont think living with an alcoholic parent is in your daughter's best interest. i have no dought that they love him and he loves them, but it can be harmful for them to see him like that.
you been with him for a long time. i know it must be difficult to make a big change. i had an addiction to alcohol also. my wife started to say the same things as you are. that is what made me finally make a change. it was difficult to say the least. as of now i been completely sober for over 13 months now.
but as i look back, i had to make the change for myself, no matter as much as i wanted to be with my family. deep down if your AH wanted to make a change, he can do it, but as you know sometimes addiction can be very powerful. sometimes it takes the loss of everything to make a change.
but if you ask me, the most difficult decisions should have your daughter's best interest in mind. i dont think living with an alcoholic parent is in your daughter's best interest. i have no dought that they love him and he loves them, but it can be harmful for them to see him like that.
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Originally Posted by Catherine628 
Sorry for typos. My smartphone and emotional distress are to blame.
NO. IT IS YOUR FAULT. IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT.
(sure hope you find that funny)
btw, your guy is an ass.
From us to you . . . .
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
Yes Hammer I found it funny. It's all my fault all the time! Sun not shining, my fault. Sun shining too bright, my fault.
Speaking of the sun, I sure miss TX right now. Maybe someday when life isn't so crazy we'll move back. Try it without an A though.
Speaking of the sun, I sure miss TX right now. Maybe someday when life isn't so crazy we'll move back. Try it without an A though.
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