ROC1965

Hi!
Am New to this and am not sure I have the right to be here...... please tell me if I should be somewhere else!

I'm 6 weeks separated from my husband of 18 months after he shut me out of his world again because he was unhappy and bored.....he finally told me the reason for his sulk, 3 days later, by e-mail...... we were still living in the same house at this time. His passive aggressive silks are his way of dealing with minor conflict or if he doesn't get his own way.....
I should tell you that he is a recovering alcoholic, hasn't drunk in 18+ years and is an intelligent but isolated man...... no friends he sees regularly, no hobbies anymore, and doesn't talk things out/through with ANYONE, not even me, allegedly the love of his life!!!!
I and my daughter (not his) quickly moved out after he lost his temper at my daughter (15) and trashed his office desk in front of her after she went to stick up for me....... when you see fear in your child's eyes you protect them as best you can.........
Despite all my family wanting me to permanently walk away,I love him and don't want to give up on him,but can't keep walking on eggshells everyday, measuring every word I say so he doesn't go into a mood or sulk....
Does anyone have any advice???? Walk away or fight for my marriage?
Please help, somebody, please!!

Mizzuno

I am sorry for your troubles. It does sound like a bad situation. Our friends and family section deals with a lot of this type of stuff and I would post there.

Having said that. Are the two of you willing to go talk with a professional? It already sounds like you do not want to give up. However, the two of you may need a safe place to work out the issues.

ROC1965

Thank you for your advice. I shall go to the other section also.

I think my main problem is getting my estranged husband to see there is a problem...... he's blaming me for everything because I've left....... he has said that I should take 95 per cent of the blame for our break up as I suffer from depression ....... I've been in counselling for 9 months and am feeling stronger and better. He hasn't communicated with me since 20/12/13 and even then it's always by email

I just don't know whether to give him his space or try to reach out and help..... and risk being ignored again.....

mecanix

Hey ROC ,
welcome , everyone is welcome in the newcomers section especially newcomers

Whats happening doesn't sound healthy , not that i'm any expert . In the UK we have a charity called relate used to be called the marriage guidance counselling service , you can go by yourself to get some help and ideas . I'm sure wherever in the world you are that something similar would be available ?
It saved my dads second marriage 25 years and going strong .. If you stay or go i'm sure talking to someone with no agenda other than to help you sort it out would be a good move .

Bestwishes, m

least

I'd give him his space since he seems to go out of his way to make you unhappy when you do contact him. His blaming you is his way of avoiding the situation. There are always two sides to the story and he's not listening to your side. I'd pay more attention to making a peaceful life for you and your child.

Mizzuno

I think it takes two to tango. so, you are not 95 percent of the problem and to me this sort of statement sounds immature. No, do not take his stuff on. He seems to want space and this may not be fair to the relationship that the TWO of you are in together. There are two sides to this, and I would still think that a marriage counselor may be able to help. If not, then what is there to work out?

ROC1965

Marriage guidance would certainly help....... if I can get him to come with me..... but I worry that I'm dealing with a "dry drunk" or a man with a Borderline personality disorder ........

Maybe I'd be best working on my family first before trying to get through to the man that I love but obviously doesn't love me enough to want to work this through....

suki44883

Have you talked about this with your 15 year old daughter? I believe the main focus should be what is best for her. She has been living with all this chaos and should have a voice in whether or not she has to live with him anymore. She'll be old enough to be on her own in just a few years. Please don't waste these last few years with her by doing something YOU want, but wouldn't be best for her. It's hard, I know. ((((HUGS))))

ROC1965

My kids come first DEFINITELY!

The answers are coming through.......... THANK YOU!!!

mecanix

You can go to marriage guidance by yourself , you don't have to both go … hopefully he would come on board with you at some point , but face to face support can be a great help , even if it's just you .

Bestwishes, m

Dee74

Welcome ROC1965

great advice here.
you are very welcome to post here - glad you've found us

D

ROC1965

Update.......
Left him alone and concentrated on my daughter and myself. Strangely 3 days into the New Year he got in touch saying he was going back to AA......
He's now brighter in himself and more self aware and has admitted to being an arrogant idiot and has taken some responsibility for his actions and behaviour.
We are still separated but going to Relate as well as our other meetings - AS (him) Al-Anon (me) plus other relaxing practices separately. Things are improving but need to take things slow and steady for my daughter's sake..... she is EXTREMELY wary and would prefer it if we didn't work things through...... very difficult one!!!!

Dee74

I'm so glad to read that update ROC- I really hope they continue to improve. Best wishes

D

EndGameNYC

It sounds as though you've been ignored for quite some time. Only you can decide if your marriage is worth fighting for.