Mid-Visit Check In
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Mid-Visit Check In
I'm holding my own during my AH's visit home. We've had some struggles and challenges, but I am working so very, very hard to keep my focus on myself, working my program, and the kids. When I start approaching that panic/meltdown phase where I am muttering insults under my breath and silently calling my AH names, I have been doing some deep breathing and reminding myself that I will be OK. The kids will be OK. Regardless of the choices my AH makes, THE KIDS AND I WILL BE OK. And my good old stand-by prayer "Please [HP], help me." I say that to myself several times, and inevitably a more coherent prayer comes to me. "Please [HP], help me to focus on the positive here." Or "Please [HP], help me to keep my focus on my own path." Or "Please [HP], help me to NOT punch this idiot in the throat and sell all of his crap at the pawn shop." Just kidding on that last one. I don't say that prayer nearly as much as I used to.
I went for a short visit with our pastor on Monday, which left me feeling re-centered. At the end of our talk, the pastor said a short prayer that really, really stuck with me. There has been a lot of attention in the Christian faiths in recent years to the concept of "What Would Jesus Do?" You know...choosing our actions based on how we believe Jesus would have acted. My pastor flipped it around, and said in his prayer that he prayed we could all treat each other as of the OTHER was Jesus. How would we REACT to what someone else does, if that someone else was Jesus? Now, I am a pretty loosey-goosey Christian who embraces people of all faiths and persuasians. I do not adhere to a lot of religious dogma and generally just believe that I should live an honorable, respectful, charitable life. I have some beliefs about Jesus that I'm sure some Christians would find upsetting. But this statement made a HUGE impact on me. It was one of those moments where someone says something so simple, but so major. It immediately made me look at situations in new ways. Instead of the WWJD attitude (which, for me, can trigger some codie behaviors...over-the-top self-sacrifice, etc.), this different perspective made it so much easier to look upon my AH with detached compassion. I spent YEARS struggling with detached compassion, and it has really become a lot easier for me in the past 4-5 months. I feel like I'm doing a really crappy job explaining this shift in perspective, but it has helped me move from a mindset of "how can I behave in this situation so I am as blameless and "good" as possible," to "how can I behave in this situation that acknowledges, accepts and respects that this other person is a fully formed individual who on some level wants to and is trying to do the right thing. And when the chooses to be hurtful it is NOT a reflection on me" Now don't get me wrong...NOTHING would ever excuse the atrocious ways my AH has behaved. And this shift in perspective doesn't mean I have decided to stay. But it sure does mean I can keep letting go of hurt and resentment and bitterness, and work on living my own best life.
I went for a short visit with our pastor on Monday, which left me feeling re-centered. At the end of our talk, the pastor said a short prayer that really, really stuck with me. There has been a lot of attention in the Christian faiths in recent years to the concept of "What Would Jesus Do?" You know...choosing our actions based on how we believe Jesus would have acted. My pastor flipped it around, and said in his prayer that he prayed we could all treat each other as of the OTHER was Jesus. How would we REACT to what someone else does, if that someone else was Jesus? Now, I am a pretty loosey-goosey Christian who embraces people of all faiths and persuasians. I do not adhere to a lot of religious dogma and generally just believe that I should live an honorable, respectful, charitable life. I have some beliefs about Jesus that I'm sure some Christians would find upsetting. But this statement made a HUGE impact on me. It was one of those moments where someone says something so simple, but so major. It immediately made me look at situations in new ways. Instead of the WWJD attitude (which, for me, can trigger some codie behaviors...over-the-top self-sacrifice, etc.), this different perspective made it so much easier to look upon my AH with detached compassion. I spent YEARS struggling with detached compassion, and it has really become a lot easier for me in the past 4-5 months. I feel like I'm doing a really crappy job explaining this shift in perspective, but it has helped me move from a mindset of "how can I behave in this situation so I am as blameless and "good" as possible," to "how can I behave in this situation that acknowledges, accepts and respects that this other person is a fully formed individual who on some level wants to and is trying to do the right thing. And when the chooses to be hurtful it is NOT a reflection on me" Now don't get me wrong...NOTHING would ever excuse the atrocious ways my AH has behaved. And this shift in perspective doesn't mean I have decided to stay. But it sure does mean I can keep letting go of hurt and resentment and bitterness, and work on living my own best life.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Good for you! Letting go of the anger and hurt for your own recovery is a very helpful thing to do for your own health and sanity. No one can ever be in a good place while you are carrying it all around. That is why they say, "Let Go and Let God." I too am doing this right now.
Hugs Wisconsin!
Hugs Wisconsin!
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