i dont know what to do
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
i dont know what to do
I guess I am going to have to get outside help. My obsessing about his behavior is becoming very un-healthy for me. I dont know what else to do. This weekend was long, he stayed out all saturday night and didnt come home until Sunday at noon.
He walked in and had an exscuse of coarse. But I just dont know what else I can do. I feel myself constantly obsessing about him, and what hes doing. This whole other woman situation is about to drive me too, she called our house 77 times Saturday and left messages each time. He was gone all day and I didnt get to tell him until Sunday. He said he is ignoreing it, he said she should get the picture. I say slap a restraining order on her ass. He says it is not that serious, then told me just not to buy into her bs.
I am constantly worried about him being with the other woman, esp. because of the lack of trust, and it seems with him, and his mindset, he doesnt know how to work on regaining that trust with me.
But its like I dont want to do anything about the situation I am in, mainly because I dont want to deal with myself or the pain of him leaving me. I hate the thoughts I have. I know I dont deserve to be treated this way. It is almost like there is no boundries, or respect at all. It is almost like an anything goes policy now at my house. I hate feeling like this, why did this happen to me? why have i become this weak and afraid? I tell ya, it is all I can do to sit here and pretend I am working. Sorry for the rambling, I have no other ears that would understand.
He walked in and had an exscuse of coarse. But I just dont know what else I can do. I feel myself constantly obsessing about him, and what hes doing. This whole other woman situation is about to drive me too, she called our house 77 times Saturday and left messages each time. He was gone all day and I didnt get to tell him until Sunday. He said he is ignoreing it, he said she should get the picture. I say slap a restraining order on her ass. He says it is not that serious, then told me just not to buy into her bs.
I am constantly worried about him being with the other woman, esp. because of the lack of trust, and it seems with him, and his mindset, he doesnt know how to work on regaining that trust with me.
But its like I dont want to do anything about the situation I am in, mainly because I dont want to deal with myself or the pain of him leaving me. I hate the thoughts I have. I know I dont deserve to be treated this way. It is almost like there is no boundries, or respect at all. It is almost like an anything goes policy now at my house. I hate feeling like this, why did this happen to me? why have i become this weak and afraid? I tell ya, it is all I can do to sit here and pretend I am working. Sorry for the rambling, I have no other ears that would understand.
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I can relate to the pretend you are working part <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" /> I had a couple of weeks like that. I sat at work on the boards, just to keep my head above water.
I think outside help is a good idea. It will help you sort everything out. I just went through counseling for a few months to help me with my son.
It sounds like you are very clear on what you are allowing in your life, but can't find the strength to change it right now. I think counseling can help you with that too. Outside support can give you the extra strength you need to take care of yourself.
You are worth sooooooooooooo much, you just don't know it yet.
Many Hugs,
MG
I think outside help is a good idea. It will help you sort everything out. I just went through counseling for a few months to help me with my son.
It sounds like you are very clear on what you are allowing in your life, but can't find the strength to change it right now. I think counseling can help you with that too. Outside support can give you the extra strength you need to take care of yourself.
You are worth sooooooooooooo much, you just don't know it yet.
Many Hugs,
MG
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
BonBon, I agree with Morning, counseling may be a good idea. I am in counseling now and still struggling through my issues. It is not a magic cure, but it helps to have someone to work though this with.
I understand about being confused and not knowing the correct action to take. I am still in the same situation but I am working on me. I know this will help in the long run. You will get this sorted out, you are in the in between zone. The yucky in between zone.
Perhaps you could change your telephone number? That way this other woman wouldn't be able to call. Maybe an unlisted number.
I have also been there pretending to work (like what I am doing right now, haha) when I could hardly breathe.
You are worth so much, we all need you. take care
I understand about being confused and not knowing the correct action to take. I am still in the same situation but I am working on me. I know this will help in the long run. You will get this sorted out, you are in the in between zone. The yucky in between zone.
Perhaps you could change your telephone number? That way this other woman wouldn't be able to call. Maybe an unlisted number.
I have also been there pretending to work (like what I am doing right now, haha) when I could hardly breathe.
You are worth so much, we all need you. take care
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hello Bonbon!
I would like to second the "change your phone number" motion!
Some of us get hit by a lightning bolt, and some get gently moved along by an undercurrent of realization, but the time will come when it will dawn on you that all of this obsessing is absolutely futile. It changes nothing, except your blood pressure. It's the "eureka" moment. Until then, it can help to "act" like you're not obsessing. That means sometimes actually forcing yourself to become occupied with things that have nothing to do with the other person. My friends used to try to get me to go out with them and do fun stuff, but I would demure. I didn't have time. It was an excuse to sit by the phone and wait for Dino or some such nonsense. Sometimes I was aware that it was a bogus excuse and sometimes not. So I started MAKING myself accept an invitation a week. Now I crave those outings, and if I miss them it's because I really do have to work. If Dino wants to talk to me, he has no problem with leaving a message. I truly never gave him enough credit. It's amazing all the things he can handle just fine without me.
Perhaps your obsessing, like mine, is a lack of something else to keep your mind on. And perhaps, like me, you just have a habit that you need to force yourself to break. I'm not telling you it was easy. It wasn't. I'm just saying it can be done.
Hugs!
Smoke
I would like to second the "change your phone number" motion!
Some of us get hit by a lightning bolt, and some get gently moved along by an undercurrent of realization, but the time will come when it will dawn on you that all of this obsessing is absolutely futile. It changes nothing, except your blood pressure. It's the "eureka" moment. Until then, it can help to "act" like you're not obsessing. That means sometimes actually forcing yourself to become occupied with things that have nothing to do with the other person. My friends used to try to get me to go out with them and do fun stuff, but I would demure. I didn't have time. It was an excuse to sit by the phone and wait for Dino or some such nonsense. Sometimes I was aware that it was a bogus excuse and sometimes not. So I started MAKING myself accept an invitation a week. Now I crave those outings, and if I miss them it's because I really do have to work. If Dino wants to talk to me, he has no problem with leaving a message. I truly never gave him enough credit. It's amazing all the things he can handle just fine without me.
Perhaps your obsessing, like mine, is a lack of something else to keep your mind on. And perhaps, like me, you just have a habit that you need to force yourself to break. I'm not telling you it was easy. It wasn't. I'm just saying it can be done.
Hugs!
Smoke
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi Bonbon
I posted on the Nar-Anon board a post called "In Between" from Melody Beattie's "Language of letting go". I hope reading it may help you a little. In-between can be the most difficult place to be, sometimes harder than the bad place we are because it is unfamiliar territory. But it leads to better things.
Hugs
I posted on the Nar-Anon board a post called "In Between" from Melody Beattie's "Language of letting go". I hope reading it may help you a little. In-between can be the most difficult place to be, sometimes harder than the bad place we are because it is unfamiliar territory. But it leads to better things.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
Dear Bonbon - sorry to hear you're having such a hard time right now. Calling a person's house 77 times in one day definitely constitutes harrassment. Do you have the option of call-block where you can block her calls from coming in to your phone? Just a temporary solution, I know, but it may help your peace of mind for the time being. I think that you should document everything in case you do decide to use a restraining order. The more evidence you have, the better. You may want to keep the phone tapes if your answering service is a machine. If not, you can always get the records from the phone company. The best thing that I read in your post is that you do know that you deserve better than this. Keep that in the forefront and it will become clearer to you everyday. That is where you will draw your strength from. Thinking of you, Bonbon.
Hugs.
<small>[ May 28, 2002, 12:13 PM: Message edited by: margo ]</small>
Hugs.
<small>[ May 28, 2002, 12:13 PM: Message edited by: margo ]</small>
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Colorado
Posts: 161
my question is - where was he? is she harrassing - yes - but i will bet my last dollar - he is telling her that you are the insane one... I am sorry but I just have this gut feeling that there is more to his story that you probably don't even know.....
BonBon - sweetie - if you don't do somethign - get to meetings, find a counselor - I hate to say this - but more serious probelms might be coming down your path.... I am sure your employer has recogonized that your focus is not on work and how long do you think they are going to tollerate your lack of attention to the job.....no matter how wonderful they are - especially in this economy????
Obssessing on your addict is NOT AFFECTING HIS LIFE ONE BIT!!! but it is begining to seriously affect your health - both emotional and physical, my fear is that it is going to effect your finacial health in ways you would never imagine and if you think life is bad now.....the loss of a job increases stress 1000 times....
Am I trying to throw you into another What if fit - no - but I am swinging the skillet ferciously....
Look at this statement......
"But its like I dont want to do anything about the situation I am in, mainly because I dont want to deal with myself or the pain of him leaving me."
take out the word but because there is not BUT about it..... you don't want to do anything because you have talked yourself into this level of fear which you know is COMPLETELY UNREASONABLE! Question - didn't you survive before you met this guy? Why won't you survive if he is not here.....
another thing - you worry about him leaving you.... is he really there now??? You know the honest answer to that......
what would you have to deal with yourself about if either decided to leave? I don't understand that statement... it sounds like you are saying that you would have to deal with the guilt of leaving..... because why??? Because you were smart enough to get out of a horrible situation, becuase you cared enough about you and your daughter to live a happy life? because you might have to ask for help and some people you might count on might not be there? The unknown of the future is scary... it is...... but what is THE WORST that can happen.... you don't like it out on your own and you choose to go back to the hell you are living in now......
I am swinging the skillet for one reason..... LOOK at what you are saying.... is that REALLY the person that you are? scared, frail and weak????? why is it that my answer is a resounding NO and yours might be - well........
what are you going to do TODAY to make your life better????
The Chulpa Bunny is now stepping off her stool, skillet at her side
Love Ogly
BonBon - sweetie - if you don't do somethign - get to meetings, find a counselor - I hate to say this - but more serious probelms might be coming down your path.... I am sure your employer has recogonized that your focus is not on work and how long do you think they are going to tollerate your lack of attention to the job.....no matter how wonderful they are - especially in this economy????
Obssessing on your addict is NOT AFFECTING HIS LIFE ONE BIT!!! but it is begining to seriously affect your health - both emotional and physical, my fear is that it is going to effect your finacial health in ways you would never imagine and if you think life is bad now.....the loss of a job increases stress 1000 times....
Am I trying to throw you into another What if fit - no - but I am swinging the skillet ferciously....
Look at this statement......"But its like I dont want to do anything about the situation I am in, mainly because I dont want to deal with myself or the pain of him leaving me."
take out the word but because there is not BUT about it..... you don't want to do anything because you have talked yourself into this level of fear which you know is COMPLETELY UNREASONABLE! Question - didn't you survive before you met this guy? Why won't you survive if he is not here.....
another thing - you worry about him leaving you.... is he really there now??? You know the honest answer to that......
what would you have to deal with yourself about if either decided to leave? I don't understand that statement... it sounds like you are saying that you would have to deal with the guilt of leaving..... because why??? Because you were smart enough to get out of a horrible situation, becuase you cared enough about you and your daughter to live a happy life? because you might have to ask for help and some people you might count on might not be there? The unknown of the future is scary... it is...... but what is THE WORST that can happen.... you don't like it out on your own and you choose to go back to the hell you are living in now......
I am swinging the skillet for one reason..... LOOK at what you are saying.... is that REALLY the person that you are? scared, frail and weak????? why is it that my answer is a resounding NO and yours might be - well........
what are you going to do TODAY to make your life better????
The Chulpa Bunny is now stepping off her stool, skillet at her side
Love Ogly
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Posts: n/a
BONBON,
I'm too new to all this to give you much advice on the hardcore stuff. I will say that some of your post were special to me. I have posted on here that I had to give a very good job to handle my problems, you know what that job was? I was a manager at Southwestern Bell, it shows you are in Arkansas which means more than likely your more core company is SWB. This is my area of expertise...at least I have one!
Call them, there are lots and lots of options that you have, trust me. You may already have some because it's usually cheaper to buy the packages. and I bet you probably already have some. Ask them what you have.
Also you can go to the front of your phone book and a few pages in you'll see instructions on how to use things. There are also things like Call Trace which is usally expensive and only to be used if you are fully prepared to press charges, that's an options to.
Even if you are in a little town in a rural area where caller id isn't available, (the odds are serious agianst it) they will have some sort of call tracing system in place.
If you have one of the compeitors, they usually resale out of our equipment, not always but more often than not and can still get you set up with features.
With Bell you can also change your number for just 30 days which is usually enough to throw the harasser off track and get them out of your hair. I can't remember but I think there's almost no charge for it.
There's Anonymous call rejection as well, and privacy manager. Call blocker, also. If money's tight you can probably get the features for just a couple of months, that's usually all it takes before they give up.
Now if you are one to torment yourself, you won't be the first..If you still want her to call so you have an idea what's going on, then you can set your phone up so it will ring different when she is calling from her numbers, if you know them you just program them in.. at least that way you don't have to run if it's just her, that's priority ring. Or if your A answers and tries to play it off that he was talking to someone else, you'll know because of the ring who it was.
Call Bell, we handle things like this all day, every day, we know the all the tricks. I would hate to wager how much of our income is based on the fact no one want annoying calls, haha.
Another tip...never call on Mondays, everyone calls on Mondays for some reason. You'll get stuck on hold forever because of how many calls we get on Monday!
I'm going out of town for a few days, but I'll try to keep an eye on the board. If you have questions, I can help you came up with a plan. Though just about anyone in customer service can do the same for you.
I'm too new to all this to give you much advice on the hardcore stuff. I will say that some of your post were special to me. I have posted on here that I had to give a very good job to handle my problems, you know what that job was? I was a manager at Southwestern Bell, it shows you are in Arkansas which means more than likely your more core company is SWB. This is my area of expertise...at least I have one!
Call them, there are lots and lots of options that you have, trust me. You may already have some because it's usually cheaper to buy the packages. and I bet you probably already have some. Ask them what you have.
Also you can go to the front of your phone book and a few pages in you'll see instructions on how to use things. There are also things like Call Trace which is usally expensive and only to be used if you are fully prepared to press charges, that's an options to.
Even if you are in a little town in a rural area where caller id isn't available, (the odds are serious agianst it) they will have some sort of call tracing system in place.
If you have one of the compeitors, they usually resale out of our equipment, not always but more often than not and can still get you set up with features.
With Bell you can also change your number for just 30 days which is usually enough to throw the harasser off track and get them out of your hair. I can't remember but I think there's almost no charge for it.
There's Anonymous call rejection as well, and privacy manager. Call blocker, also. If money's tight you can probably get the features for just a couple of months, that's usually all it takes before they give up.
Now if you are one to torment yourself, you won't be the first..If you still want her to call so you have an idea what's going on, then you can set your phone up so it will ring different when she is calling from her numbers, if you know them you just program them in.. at least that way you don't have to run if it's just her, that's priority ring. Or if your A answers and tries to play it off that he was talking to someone else, you'll know because of the ring who it was.
Call Bell, we handle things like this all day, every day, we know the all the tricks. I would hate to wager how much of our income is based on the fact no one want annoying calls, haha.
Another tip...never call on Mondays, everyone calls on Mondays for some reason. You'll get stuck on hold forever because of how many calls we get on Monday!
I'm going out of town for a few days, but I'll try to keep an eye on the board. If you have questions, I can help you came up with a plan. Though just about anyone in customer service can do the same for you.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Oh one more thing, if cells phones are involved, or the phone is in your A name or something and you can't get the features, here's a tip from before the days of tech. Get a police whistle, or one of those airhorns people get for sports. When she calls don't talk, just blow that in the phone.
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