WMJ1012

I am dying.
For four years my body has been slowly deteriorating from the inside out.
I didn't realize it at the time but I tried to rescue a very sick sociopath (a man) and really was trying to create chaos because I was addicted to it.
The punishment was that he arranged character assassination.

No one will talk to me or have anything to do with me. My family is large and we know a lot of people. My father also is a public man so everyone in our state has heard about this.

I have been abused and shunned more and more as time goes on, by people in recovery, by doctors, kicked out if hospitals, by everyone I come across in all
Walks of life. It's not getting better; it's getting worse.

I can't sleep, I've lost teeth, crashed up cars, carry rage, shame and fear around with me, have no defense, using nicotine to stuff the trauma, and my health is just failing. I am laughed at, jeered, hated, disrespected and have no defense against life. Four years ago I was absolutely beautiful and today I look horrible and beaten up and old.

When this happened I was doing really well in recovery and people saw that. So they jumped in to help the slander along to knock me off my path.

Anyone who needs someone to carry their shame points the finger at me.

I am told it is just a fear of people's opinions but I can't overcome it no matter how much spiritual work I do.

My family is torn apart and incredibly ashame and hurt. They want nothing to do with me.

I believe I will die if I don't set a boundary the guy who did this but I feel I have no right because I had a part in it.

I didn't spend much time with him, maybe 40 hours total over 10
weeks, and did not sleep with him - but it was enough to sabotage myself and he was looking for someone to blame so it was perfect, we both got what we wanted! (I did it to myself that's why I chose him!) but now that I realize this and did the work on it do I need to die for it?

I just can't overcome it. It's too much.

I could just speak about it in meetings and say this. Maybe that would be enough. Or I could seek him out and set a boundary calmly and seriously in front of others. He did years in prison and is already on thin ice - but has ALSO gotten a lot from this...if I take it away from him or threaten his security publicly he could become violent physically (although of course he's really just a coward.)

He and his friends think they're real cool now. It sickens me.

Ritual

Build, I can't advise you really, but you seem to be in acute distress. Pick up the phone now and try to talk it through a little with someone who is trained and can advise you properly. It really sounds like you could use someone on your side right now.

I hope that you find some peace today, somehow.

Rit.

FeelingGreat

Hi BWM, I'm sorry you're in such a bad way, and I hope you get professional assessment as soon as you can. I can't understand why your family would cut you off after knowing you for so long, just on the word of a criminal.
There is a possibility that your mental health is deteriorating, and that you may benefit from some time in a facility to help you calm down and get a better sense of reality.
Are you actively using drugs, or drinking to self medicate?

WMJ1012

I don't seek professional or psychological advice for a spiritual
illness
That's why I came here, for a spiritual solution.

WMJ1012

I just did my morning work anyway
I saw that all my life I react to gossip and make the whole situation bigger.
I do have to set a boundary with him and others but it's not oing to he done in the way most people think about boundaries.
A lot of people aren't gonna like it and I'm gonna sit through the discomfort

Ritual

With the very greatest of respect for what you're going through, you have described both physical health problems, and all of the symptoms of depression, which DOES need to be treated.

I sincerely hope that you DO find some spiritual solace, but I again advise to pick up the phone and speak with someone who can help make you physically stronger again.

Please don't take my words as harsh ones - I really do hope that you will be OK!

Ritual.

Hammer

Most Excellent.

Not that we are most excellent. He is.

For better or worse, you have been sent to sort of the Quartermaster Section of His Army, and I am but a Jackass in the Rear with the Gear carrying loads and burdens. That would explain my braying from time-to-time that some find annoying and some find humorous. Truth is that just bray because I am a Jackass.

But sometimes I find favor with Him, and the braying turns to praying, and that is not such a bad thing.

-----------------------


Dear God,

Please deliver BuildWithMe from Lies and Evil.

Amen.

---------------------

Pray. Then go on about your own business. Let Go and Let God.

WMJ1012

And I am in a spiritual program called Alanon.
Step 1 says we are powerless over alcohol (the alcoholics in our lives.) But everyone has "alcoholism". That's why we see so much insanity in the world.

So if Step 1 says I'm powerless over this abuse I'm dealing with do I not believe that?
However: we are not HELPLESS.

In order to have the wisdom to know the difference I have to do the steps.
There are things I can do. But I have to food spiritual principles.

So unless a therapist is a recovered Alanon it Alcoholic (and REALLY knows the steps) he/she will not have a solution for me.

Also, there is no pill for spiritual maladies (which is really the whole problem.)
All there is is spiritual solution.

And yes. I'm in pain because my ego wants to run the show.

Recovering2

I have a GREAT counselor, who has a background and specialty in addiction issues, who saved my sanity first. Yes, I am a grateful member of AlAnon. But I also give equal credit to my counselor. I love the shares in AlAnon meetings. But my counseling sessions have given me one on one time for an hour each week. That time is focused on my particular situation, and allows me to share more than I can in a meeting. The combination of the 2 was life saving....and definitely spiritual.

lillamy

Build - forgive me if I overstep, but reading your post, it sounds like the help you need is more than spiritual.

Here's why I'm saying that: it appears unlikely to me that one person is able to completely and utterly ruin your reputation to the extent you believe. That is - all the people who knew you before he came on the scene cannot possibly all believe his lies about who you are and what you have done.

But you may feel like they do.

It's clear that he has destroyed your life - but I really wonder how much of the destruction exists outside of your worried mind?

My story is that AXH did exactly what you're talking about. Within 24 hours of me leaving him, he had been in contact with all my friends and family, telling them I has cheated on him for years and finally staged a disagreement where I could trick the police into believing he has done wrong so that I could leave. I was a devious, evil **** of a woman who had pretended to be a Christian wife for 20 years. He contacted my employer, my coworkers, tried every alley to slander me.

We're there people who believed him? There were. But they were a minority, and they were largely people who didn't know me well. And they were people who didn't matter.

In my head, though, everyone I saw on the street had heard and believed his story. I waited and let people contact me to ask for my side. The ones that didn't weren't worth wasting my time on.

It is easy to overestimate a controlling, manipulating person's reach. Even a master manipulator can't convince everyone.

If your body is falling apart and you think you are dying, I would agree very strongly with the first commentor that seeking medical care for your physical and mental health is a good step. That doesn't preclude working on spiritual problems - but being dead pretty severely limits your options. So don't rule out the help God can provide you just because it comes through folks in white coats without wings...

jessicajoe

^^^^^^^^this this this

bravo lilamy

Ritual

Build, I'm sure that alot of people on the forum would be happier if you would post back again soon. I for one am worried about you!

I hope that you took lilamy's advice...

Rit

WMJ1012

I have spent the last several weeks going to a lot of meetings and carrying the message.
God has also brought me two new sponsees to bring through the 12 steps.
I've been very vocal in meetings about the fact that I had a sick attraction to "certain types of people". That's all I really needed to say.
I am hearing that a lot of people are upset about what I have said but nevertheless they will have to do their own work so I keep doing mine.

I feel very fulfilled and am sleeping at night.

I thank God for the 12 Steps. It gives me a place to have a Voice.

Enjoy your day, everyone

Hammer

Continue to March.

Do Good and Be Kind.

Best to you.

Sungrl

Nobody should be hearing anything you are saying in Al-Anon meetings that is the whole concept of anonymous. How is what you are saying getting back to others??

AnvilheadII

who is it that is telling you that OTHERS are upset?