Thoughtful2

He doesn't work, drive socialise. Is it because he doesnt want anything to make him see or is it not having to deal with guilt in situations that could compromise him seriously.

clematis

I don't know but my niece once said; an A is oversensitive, it is just someone who can't cope life with his ups an downs... I thought this was a bit harsh to state it that way. But after talking to a lot of people with an A-problem.
I've got some sort of theory it helps me to cope (?) or handle: If you drink you don't have to feel, the people I know who are alcoholics were, when sober, very sensitive people, and a bit of perfectionists. I don't know if that counts for all A's but it's something I see around me. Most of them had traumatic experiences during their lives and what I think I saw is that failure is not an option... But I don't know if this counts for everyone or if it's just an excuse from my side

FeelingGreat

Hi thoughtful, I stayed in all the time because if I went out I couldn't drink my customary bottle of wine a night.

Stung

My husband says its because he has tremendous anxiety about life. Anxiety that he'll make one of our kids cry, anxiety that he'll make me mad, anxiety that he'll fail miserably at something, anxiety that bad things are just waiting to happen to him. So he drinks to drown out the anxiety.

healthyagain

I think it has to do with the lack of coping skills, flexibility as well. Negative things happen in life, they are part of life, and something to be expected. Life knocks you down, you pick yourself up, and keep going. When it comes to my AH, life knocks him down (or maybe even only pats him on the back), and he picks up a glass and drowns himself in it. He really does not know any better. Maybe they are afraid of living, or of pain that comes with living? I do agree with clematis though.

Recovering2

Alcohol is a depressant. I think the deeper they get in their disease, the more profound this becomes. Hard to care about anything when your brain is chemically depressed.

Hammer

Sometimes it is because there are other folks around who will do those things for them.

When those others may stop, they may start.

readerbaby71

Yep. I agree with this 100%.

littlefish

A lot of alcoholics have secondary issues, everything from chronic depression, (extremely common) to various forms of mental illness. These outside issues affect the alcoholic population to the same extent as the normal population. The difference is that alcoholics can count their issues on two fingers while the normal population can use one.

I don't really think that you can paint all alcoholics with the same brush. For every shy alcoholic you have the bigger than life one that is a glutton for social stimulus.
Not driving, working or socializing sounds like a secondary issue.

CupofJoe

Like others have said, we're not all the same. My best friend, currently in a horrific relapse, is much, much more social when he's drinking. Sober, he's a hermit.

When I was drinking, I got to the point where I was only happy if I was sitting in a dark room drinking a bottle of vodka. No phone, no internet, no tv, no books, just me and the bottle. If you had asked me if I was hiding from life, I would have stared at you like you were insane. To me, drinking was the only life worth having. I wasn't interested in anything else; life got in the way of drinking and I only reluctantly went to work so I could afford to keep drinking and keep my room.

And like others have said, take away the bottle and a whole host of other problems are likely to arise. It can be tough and the bottle can seem like a refuge.

As a happily sober person, I can only look back and attempt to describe what that situation was like. It was like I was possessed by the desire to drink and absolutely nothing else mattered. It's illogical and I mean this in the nicest possible way, but I hope you never have to fully understand. It truly is a form of insanity.

My best wishes to you that you can stay healthy and I wish you all the best.

Pamel

Don't overthink this; when we are drinking nothing counts except the next drink. We can't help that; the only "cure" (and THAT is a daily reprieve) is abstinence. IMHO...

Then life in all its complexity can happen.

atalose

Addiction is like a stone wall built to keep them in and everyone else out.

JustAGirl1971

This is how my AH use to be. Now, he just prefers to stay home (whether drinking or not.)

thislonelygirl

YES!!!
ah is OVERLY sensitive. Cant cope at all
Emotional mess! And yes perfectionist with low self esteem

trixie56

I agree with what everyone has posted here. My XABF had a great public persona of being the 'partier,' very social, etc. But as our relationship progressed (while he was 'dry' and I didn't know he was an A), I clearly saw that he had low self esteem, poor coping skills, was VERY defensive if I ever expressed that he did anything wrong, couldn't say 'I'm sorry,' and lacked very basic relationship skills. When he would reminisce about the days drinking with his best friends and doing crazy stuff, his eyes would light up and he looked so happy……This made me sad. I began to see that alcohol was a huge part of his identity. It made him the 'it' guy everyone wanted to party with. And without it….what did he have? To me, he was an amazing person, but he didn't/still doesn't see that.
I think certain issues can help propel someone toward alcohol, and then a whole other set of issues can flourish from there...

Thoughtful2

I see a lot if familiarity in what you wrote about your ex. Mine used to sit and tell me about good times he had with his ex. I sat there and listened and it hurt how happy he seemed. Poor self esteem, coping skills couldn't take it when someone didn't appreciate a favour he did although on the outside he seemed fine.

Sometimes we need to just jump out and save ourselves that the only way we can help the ones we love.