New and trying to learn

Old 12-26-2013, 05:47 PM
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New and trying to learn

I can't say I'm new to addiction. Several family members have struggled, all but one have been incredibly successful. I also have friends and family who work closely with addicts and have had great insights for me and taught me a lot. But that was family. I guess this situation is different and I'm not intimately involved in this persons life (at least not at this time). But I want to learn more, and I may even need to be told to just walk away.

We dated for a very very short period (a month or so) but were open and honest from the start. I knew from the first date and we had many open conversations about what this person went through and was currently going through. I have an amazing amount of respect for this person. I truly believe they will be successful. Perhaps they'll relapse, but I know they take their recovery very seriously, it is priority number one as it should be.

When we started seeing each other, they believed they were ready to date. As did their sponsor. I asked. We talked boundaries. We were on the same page. About a month into it, they asked me to be exclusive and a few days later explained that the emotions involved were becoming a lot. They'd never been in a committed relationship sober and needed some time to figure things out. They were confused, cared about me a lot (I wholeheartedly believe this as their actions made this clear) but had to be selfish because sobriety came first. I 100% understand, respect and agree with this. So I stepped back. I reached out once after "taking space" and there was a response but again a request for space at this time. I was told they didn't want to close a door permanently "just right now" while they figure things out.

I know not to wait around and hope, and I'm not waiting but I do still hope. But I care very much for this person and want very much to be a part of their life. Is this just selfish of me? Is letting go the best thing I can do for them? With my family I knew to check in, make sure they knew I was there. But this is different. I want to respect their needs, but I also really enjoyed having them in my life. So. Straight talk. Walk away? Act with patience? Disappear? I believe them when they said they just need space to work things out but also know I need to live ,y own life too. So I'm torn.

Note: It may be silly but I'm using the plural pronoun as a way to try and give this person as much privacy as I can. Try to just keep this about my side of the situation. I dunno.
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Old 12-26-2013, 06:01 PM
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Relationships are hard... over 50% of marriages fail. The vast majority of committed relationships fail.

Add alcoholism ... even with someone in recovery and the bad odds just got catastrophically worse.

I would see this as a good thing and not look back... life is too short to ask for trouble and alcoholism in any form is trouble.
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Old 12-26-2013, 06:12 PM
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I know you're right. I've even grid to tell myself this. The lifestyle isn't an issue for me. I rarely drink myself. However, I do know its a life long battle - regardless of how long the person remains sober.

I've tried to tell myself this is for the best. My desires are probably founded in selfish needs and desires. But I do care for this person and their success (in recovery and their life ambitions) so I've been having some difficulty in just walking away. Strangely, my short lived relationship with the, was probably the most open, honest and respectful one in a long while. Or perhaps I'm focused on the fantasy of what I believed it to be.


But as you said, relationships are hard enough without the added difficulties of an addiction. I guess I just feel/felt like they genuinely deserved a chance. Ok. Still feel. Maybe the only thing to do is walk away and stop hoping for a chance with us as just leave it at the hope they'll be successful and happy. I really feel they will be, with or without me in their life. Perhaps not realistic but I do sense it.

Again. Thank you for your response.
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Old 12-26-2013, 07:34 PM
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Being with an alcoholic, is HARD! From everything I've heard it's even harder when they relapse and there are no guarantees that they won't relapse.

Considering that he/she is aleady dedicating so much focus at this time to their sobriety (good for he/she BTW), I'd say they aren't at a point in their life to start a relationship and probably won't be anytime soon. IMO, your best bet is to walk away for the benefit of you both.
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Old 12-26-2013, 07:38 PM
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You've been given a gift....walk away.
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Old 12-26-2013, 07:43 PM
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Thank you for your input, Stung. It's what I'm trying to do. I'm sure over time, like with all relationships, the desire will pass. And I'll meet someone who IS in a healthy place. But I do hope someone gives them a chance one day, when they ARE ready. They deserve it

Let's just say, this person gives as much as they receive. Even with all they went through they still had it in them to take care of me when I was in need after a family emergency left me blind sighted and in a state of shock. But yes. Moving on. Healthiest for all involved.
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Old 12-26-2013, 07:55 PM
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I believe the short term relationships are full of the most honest, fun, respectful, enjoyable times. If only they could all be like that for the long haul. But life creeps in.
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Old 12-27-2013, 01:59 AM
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Originally Posted by Newtoanon View Post
Let's just say, this person gives as much as they receive. Even with all they went through they still had it in them to take care of me when I was in need after a family emergency left me blind sighted and in a state of shock.
My A was there for me at times like this also--he was around for the big dramatic stuff, but as far as being present in a day-to-day way, remembering conversations we had, even knowing where things were kept in the house, he was simply not there. That little daily stuff is the glue of a relationship, in my opinion. It's nice to get support from your partner when the world is falling down around you in a crisis, but if you and your needs and your life are being ignored the other 99% of the time, it's still not much of a relationship.

I've struggled with this also, wondering if the times he HAS been present have been "real" or have been just alcoholic manipulation or something else. I don't have an answer at all, and am not sure if it even matters or not. I think I do understand your mixed feelings, though, about your A and the fact that he/she did in fact do these things for you.
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