hopeful4

The other night AH was under the influence and was slurring around and called me some names. He also told me he thinks I am pompas regarding how I act about his mother passing away. For one, I am not sure I know what that means. His mother passed one year ago on the 21st and it was a hard day for him and I totally get that. It is like he is resentful because I still have my mom and dad here. I get that too in a way, but certainly I don't think it makes me pompas.

What I did say was that there will always be pain in our lives, some of it terrible like death, and that even though there will be that pain it is not a green light to drink and relpase. I will always say that. I am not trying to be cold hearted about it either. Life is full of pain and challenges and if this is how he will react each time it only reinforces my decision to want to separate.

The next day he said he was sorry (QUACK). However today he says that we both have distorted views of each other when we were talking about this and basically said I am trying to cause drama. I really am not, but if someone thinks this of you isn't it even more reinforcement that you do not really like the other. I guess I am upset because in my eyes I have tried to be there for him during these hard times like losing his mom and I feel slapped in the face for it. It's one thing when he is mean when he is drinking. It is quite another to say this while stone cold sober.

I have posted a few times recently and it really helps me to go back and read these to remind me of how life REALLY is from day to day. It is a reminder I NEED TO CHANGE MY OWN SITUATION, slowly but surely I am making progress.

Hammer

And I am pretty sure that I am not/do not have . . . .

addiction issues; or
an eating disorder; or
Trying to Control Her; or
Stopping her from getting a job; or
Not letting her go to meetings; or
Keeping her from therapy; or
Trying to turn the kids against her

or any of another 100 or more Total Lack of Self-Responsibility Blame-Games.

Quack, Quack, Quack.

At least you get an apology.

About the Best I get is that I must have "misunderstood." Quack, Quack, Quack.

dandylion

duckhopeful4---this is as common as dirt with alcoholics. They either blame-shift or project their feelings onto someone else in order to detract attention from their drinking behavior.
They do this about as often as they breathe in and breath out.

This has nothing to do with you, of course--it is all about protecting his drinking and low-self esteem. It can knock a poor unsuspecting codie for a loop, though. It keeps us off balance, it hurts our feelings and leads us to become very defensive and filled with self-doubt. This is EXACTLY what the alcoholic wants to happen---they have shone the spotlight on you to get it off of themselves. And, they are soooo good at it. They know our hot buttons and they know our achilles heels. They know how to go straight for the gut.

My guess is that he knows that you are compassionate and supportive during hard times and he is envious of that. A good way to make your own self feel or look better is to bring the other person down. That is my guess about accusing you of being pompous when the fact is--you were supportive.

Please don't take the judgement of a drunk alcoholic as true fact--just because they said it.
Who are you going to believe---a drunk with low self-esteem and a twisted reality--or your own self?? By the way, an active alcoholic has twisted thinking even in the times when they might not be intoxicated.

He was QUACKING!!!!

dandylion

FireSprite

Hey Hopeful, you know, in a way he's right..... "distorted views" reminds me of when we quite literally could not agree because we had utterly different definitions, levels of acceptance & denial, etc. I had to let go of being "right" - (even though, like you I wasn't striving to BE right so much as it turned into that because I just wasn't going to stand by & be told how WRONG I was, make sense?) because yeah, ok, our views were "distorted" since I live in Reality & you are on permanent vacation in Addictland. (eyeroll)

Part of what helped me to see how different we were was noticing that he seemed to be the ONLY person in my life with such negative opinions about my behavior, attitude, etc while everyone else seemed to think highly of me. I reasoned that the whole world couldn't be wrong while he solely had the "correct" POV... and while I'll always need improvements as a work in progress, I simply could not be AS bad as the picture he painted at times. Eventually I saw how this was really just a reflection of how he was feeling internally - he needed it to be me to give him something external to deflect his dysfunction onto so he could keep delaying working on himself.

It was all just a bunch of quacking.

ladyscribbler

The other night AH was under the influence and was slurring around and called me some names.

Funny how it still hurts, and affects us, even when we KNOW its the addiction talking. Toward the end, before I left for good, I got some earplugs so I didn't have to listen to his mouth run when he was drunk. Helped me sleep better too.

hopeful4

Thank you all. I suspect you are all correct. I know he was quacking....I am usto that when he drinks. I guess that he was saying I was pompas about something so serious as his mother passing while sober did truly knock me for a loop. You know what, I know who I am. I am kind. I am compassionate. He can say what he wants, I know who I am and lots of others around me know too, so we cannot all be wrong. Misery loves company and I believe he was simply trying to drag me down with him. That's ok, it won't work because I won't let it. I know who I am. I an not perfect. I make mistakes. But pompas...LOL...nope.

As always, I thank you all for reading and responding. No idea what I would do without SR!

Blessings!

dandylion

Hopeful---what some people have been known to do----visualize him with a big, blinking "Q" on his forehead whenever he starts to talk trash. That makes it so much easier to step back and detach from the rubbish that he is trying to hurl. Don't react; dont' respond to him. Just listen to the sound of quacking ducks.

Try it......and, ...please, let us know!!!...LOL.

dandylion

MissFixit

hi

they say lots of mean things especially if things aren't going their way. they are hurting and want to hurt you too. don't fall for his bs. when you are free of him, you will look back and see they bad things he said to you were attempts to manipulate/control you.

good luck

readerbaby71

Hopeful, you are one of the most humble and kind people I've "met" here. You are far from pompous. Let that bs go in one ear and out the other!

xoxoxo

hopeful4

Thank you, each of you, truly. In life I try to treat others how I want to be treated, it's a simple thing that I try to teach my girls too.

Dandylion...I dont know how you made those little faces saying La..La..La...but I love it! That is too funny!

I will remember that always! Thank you all for your kind words, they made it alot easier to see it for what it is...QUACK!

MissFixit

for what it is worth, 5 years ago my ex told me "i had nothing to offer." he said the other woman had more to offer than i did. (she doesn't). that statement cut me to the core and took me 3-4 years to stop dwelling on or believing. he said it on purpose because he knew it would hurt me and cause insecurity. your guy did the same thing with a different insult.

hopeful4

Yes, I agree. He found what would really upset me to try and cut me down. I am simply not usto him doing that while sober. O well I say, I know myself better than anyone and if he cannot see it that's ok too. What is funny is that now he is being all lovey dovey. Just sent me this text that he read how important it is to give a hug to your spouse 4 times a day. HAHAHA. This pompas girl does not feel much like hugging him just right now.

MissFixit

they change. if they are not strongly working a program, they get worse (and so do we). no one believes it until it happens to them. i sure didn't.

lizatola

My AH quacked crap for 15 years of white knuckled sobriety to the point that I began to believe I was seriously flawed(well, more flawed than I already was anyway) and I started to believe it. I mean, he was sober and he was blaming me for the garage door being broken even though I knew it wasn't my fault but I found myself believing his convoluted story because he was SOBER! It wasn't until he started drinking again that I realized it was a dry drunk syndrome with him or some other mental health issue/personality issue that was creating havoc in our lives. I have had to accept my part in all of this, though, and that meant picking up a mirror and realizing that even though I was emotionally abused, I allowed it to happen. I turned a blind eye to it because of my 'vows' and my Christian faith, etc. I quieted that still small voice in my head that told me it was wrong and that what he was doing and saying was wrong.

The best thing about where you are now: you know better. You have a program and you have support and you know he's quacking. A few years ago when I had started program I remember someone here saying, "Look at their forehead and see the letters SSS written there: it stands for Sick, Sick, Sick." So hard to remember that they are sick, but hopefully it helps us to remember that just because someone said it, doesn't make it true. You know your truths and that's all that matters.