tyrocks

My BF (heroin/opiate addict) comes home from almost 100 days of rehab in just a few weeks. I have been working on myself since he has been gone and really trying to stay positive through this whole journey with him.

We had lived together previously (I kicked him out a few months before rehab since I knew he was using again and I didn't want it in my home).

We live in a clean home (no alcohol/drugs - I don't even like taking RX drugs if I am sick) and live a very clean organic lifestyle.

Just wondering for those of you who live/have lived with a loved one just out of rehab or someone in recovery if you have any tips or advice as I prepare for him to come home.

Thanks in advanced ❤️

hopeful4

My tip is not to live with him for a while. Let him sort out who he is and if he can live outside of rehab without the addiction, H is a very strong thing to have to overcome. You can continue to work on you, he on him.

My AH went to rehab for alcohol addiction. He stayed clean for a year. The worst mistake I ever made was letting him come right home after rehab. It turned me and our home into a safe landing pad for him. Unfortunatley safe landing pads do not force the addict to face the issues that got them where they are and it took away consequences he should have had to deal with which possibly would have kept himself from relapsing. Who knows?

Now, almost 4 years later we are getting ready to separate. I am certainly not saying that this fits all, but you will hear this alot on here, that is it a good idea to live separately for a while.

I wish you both the best of luck. Keep posting, you are not alone!

tyrocks

Hopeful4, thanks for the advice! I will certainly keep that in mind when preparing for him to come home. We have discussed that as an option. We have also discussed contracts so he knows his actions come with consequences.

We've also looked into ways to help around the house without them causing fights (a trigger for him). Chore charts + a positive enforcement chart if things are done well/early.

We have agreed to go to RCA and found a local Friday night meeting to help is both on this journey.

Thanks again for the reply, it means a lot!

hopeful4

Absolutely. I am no expert and certainly can only pass along my experiences but my AH is also a Rx drug user and it does not make for a happy mix, so I post in both places.

I can only share what it was for me. I truly wish you the best no matter what you decide. This board has helped me through some tough times, I hope we can extend that same support to you!

Blessings!

overit263

Mine stayed in a sober recovery house after the first relapse while we were married. It scared the hell out of me. Two weeks later I let him come home. Big mistake. We actually went on dates to have coffee etc. which was really nice....fast forward to a move for his job and we are now divorcing. You just can't predict what will happen, stay positive and focus on yourself while he is doing the work on him. Enjoy the good times and do not ignore the red flags. Mine is an opiate addict as well, the moment they start fighting your ground rules, know that something is not right. The one thing we didn't do that I really wish we had, was therapy together. I doubt it would have changed anything, but maybe he would have communicated more, which would have been nice because he didn't at all for over a year.

hopeful4

We only just recently went to couples therapy. Now, it was a waste of time for us, because he is an active binge drinker and blames everything and everyone but himself for his issues. That being said, I think it helped me to go just to hear what he had to say and for him to hear what I had to say in an environment where there was a third party.
I made sure it was someone with an actual doctorate and that neither one of us knew to start with so he could not say the counselor was partial. It was a train wreck but at least I heard some hard truth and he did too.

Hugs.

Lily1918

Hmmm... well it could go either way. The first time D went to rehab, he went to sober living. The second time he went to rehab, he got a studio appartment, and I stayed in mine, but we would sleep over at each others places almost every night. Both times he relapsed. The second time I did.

This time, we will be living seperate for a looong time. Not by our choice, but I think that its for the best.
I would expect him to spent a lot of time out at meetings... or "meetings"

Always trust your gut and remember that recovery looks like recovery.

Opiates are very powerful. Its gunna take him at least a year to get on his feet.

cynical one

I'm not sure how old your son is, but I would think most teenage boys would find both a chore and reward chart to be quite childish and humiliating. Maybe give him a list of weekly chores and tell him when they are completed he will then receive an allowance or a privilege.

allforcnm

My husband came home directly after his 90 day rehab and it worked out well for us; I have no regrets but will say there were challenges along the way, and I think the most important thing for us was to focus on communication, and being honest with our feelings & what we needed at any given time. We were lucky I think because his rehab started us in marriage counseling when he was about 6 weeks into treatment. We continued it for the first year (he has over 1.5 years clean now).

Before he came home from rehab, his doctor helped him work out a relapse prevention plan, and we discussed it together. It included what his plans were for aftercare (in his case it was continued support with a therapist), continued work on our marriage through counseling, changes in his lifestyle with stress management, exercise, no contact with the old friends from his work (the only people in his life that used drugs), identifying triggers and how to deal with them, etc. All of that was helpful to me so I knew what types of things he was going to be doing to work on his health, I understood in general things that triggered him (including emotional triggers), and I knew what to look for if he started to waiver in his prevention plan & what to do (because we talked about that with the doctor also).

When he was in rehab, I also stared working with a therapist. She helped me prepare for his early recovery also. One of the things she focused on was positive reinforcement, and the use of it to encourage and support his early recovery. She recommended a book to me called “Get Your Loved One Sober, Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening” by Robert Meyers. It teaches the CRAFT method (community reinforcement and family training) which can be used to help a person engage in treatment, and also support recovery. (You can google that for more info if you’ve not heard of it). It is done in subtle ways; you remain true to your genuine feelings, become aware of the challenges faced by your partner and recognize change or effort they put forth ( in their recovery, around the home, within the relationship. meeting their personal goals, etc). The concept is to reinforce there is more pleasure in recovery, living a clean and sober life, being responsible for your home, etc. I think it is important in early recover because it can be a very emotionally stressful time, where the mundane can become triggers, where people need to feel positive and see results for their efforts because it provides them with a bit of energy to carry on. Anyway, it has worked well for us.

I tried to treat my husband as “normal” as possible, but kept in mind that he had been ill. Had been through a tough physical and emotional battle, and that it was something he was not fully recovered from. So I did cut him some slack in certain areas which I also don’t regret. For example with our son (who was about 8 months when he dad came home); my husband’s responsibilities gradually increased in terms of his care. Initially he had some stress in dealing with him when he was fussy so I tried to take care of him at those times, when my husband first went back to work I let him sleep and would get up in the night with our son…. Now my husband gets the full force of a Terrible Two’s tantrum and he deals with it just fine; better than me usually – lol.

I think your on the right track with what you have shared. Keeping communication open, going to a Friday night meeting together, making clear how the household chores will be divided up, and having some incentives… I would also include joint incentives for the both of you… creating special nights out, a weekend away, special purchase for your home etc. to celebrate landmarks in the journey.

I would suggest talking about it all together & deciding what makes you both feel comfortable; the art of compromise. We did not have a “contract” per say… but I know people who have used one & they felt it helped set clear rules for the home/relationship. I would say just work on it together so it is mutual. Never forget the relationship & keep safe the role of girlfriend. You don’t want to bend it too much; become his mom, or his watchdog because something gets lost in the translation.

Other thing I would mention is to remember a relapse does not signify failure. It can be a learning experience and offers the person a chance to figure out what went wrong & how they can strengthen themselves and their recovery. We have been fortunate and my husband has not had a relapse, but it is common especially in the early stages. I would not be afraid to talk about it with your boyfriend, think about how you will handle it, etc. (Relapse for drugs is at a rate that is consistent with relapse to other chronic illness like asthma or high blood pressure). My husband and I have relapse plans in place and especially in regards to our son it helps give me peace of mind because I know what steps to take to keep him safe, me safe, and hopefully assist my husband in getting back into more intensive treatment.

starfish401

When I returned home from my three month stay in rehab, it was with the knowledge that if I used drugs I was out. Period.

However, that was only the main rule. My family had set a contract in place with me while I was still in rehab. The contract contained what my family expected of me, as well as what I expected of them.

I was expected to continue on with outpatient therapy, return to school, obtain a part time job (within a timeframe) so I could take care of my own expenses, continue going to AA/NA meetings, keep my room clean, and participate in household chores. I was also expected to be present at thrice-weekly family dinners and all family events (unless I had to work.) I was subjected to random drug screens, both at home and at outpatient. I was also subjected to "track checks" where my family would check my arms for marks.

On the reciprocal, my family promised to maintain a "clean" home - no alcohol or prescription drugs. (Scripts were locked in a safe so I wouldn't be triggered.) They promised to be involved in my family therapy, and to have family check-in dinners at least once a week, so we could see how things were going. They also maintained that they would no longer enable me - pay for gas, court fines, car insurance, etc. However, they would reward my sobriety.

We also had a relapse plan in place. If I were to relapse and come to them honestly, I would be sent back to rehab. If I chose to hide my using, I would be thrown out of the house with nothing, until I decided I wanted to clean up again.

This is just an example, but it worked for me and my family for a little bit. However, I got complacent and stopped doing the work I needed to do. I think family can be a great support after rehab. However, sometimes people just need more structure. 100 days in the great scheme of things is not that long.

"If it takes seven years to walk into the woods, then it stands to reason it will take seven years to walk out."

atalose

I agree with cynical one......except I read it as this is your boyfriend who I am assuming is not a child.

I would as an adult be insulted and humiliated with a chore chart and reward system.

I also agree that living together right away is not a good idea, he needs to stand comfortably on his own before he can be part of a couple.

Alliloooove

Hi tryocks,

My oxycontin addict husband went to Rehab 7 months ago. He was there for 30 days. We were ecstatic when he came home. he had a very positive outlook on life and staying clean. The first week or two was wonderful. Then he went back to work and the real world slapped him right in the face. He had lots of anxiety and worry. He did stay clean for about three months and has since done a cycle of a couple weeks sober a couple weeks using. We both agree that he should have stayed longer in rehab and came home to do an outpatient program. I really hope everything works out smoothly for you and your boyfriend. Its a long HARD road. How I thought things were going to be is not at all what they have been. My husband attends AA and NA meetings and I attend alanon, which has been amazing for me. I would definitly suggest setting boundaries for yourself and for him. And make sure that he agrees with them should he cross the line. Good luck!

Carlotta

You took the words out of my mouth.