Here to find help with my guilt...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Kingman, AZ
Posts: 20
Here to find help with my guilt...
Hello.
First, let me just say that I have been an addict, that I do understand how hard it can be to leave your addiction.
Now let me explain why I have created an account here and why I am posting:
I fell in love with a beautiful woman. She was 35 (now 36). She was honest with me from the beginning that she was a heroin addict of 15 years.
She moved in in short order and things were great at first as they usually are. She appealed to my longing for a family and children. We have each list a child to a custody battle. Of course she promised to get clean and be the best girlfriend ever. Of course that is what I wanted more than anything.
We lived together until very recently for about 7 months. I worked 6 days a week. She did the typical "addict thing"... Chasing the sack each day, not tending to our (my) home, lying... Never any stealing and always payed back promptly anything she borrowed outside of what a boyfriend would typically sport for the girl he loves, such as gas money, etc.
I had stated from the very beginning and she had agreed that we would need to nail down he addiction by any means necessary before the resentments mounted and things went to s**t.
After some lying and also finding meth in my home (which I absolutely CANNOT be around under any circumstances, I put my foot down about treatment. It took a couple months for her to get a detox bed and a spot in a treatment center.
By this time the typical resentment encountered by way of addict/ codependent living under one roof had mounted substantially, but there still seemed to be something there.
She went off to detox/ treatment and I as supportive; bringing positive radi g material, sending photos of self and family, writing regularly, etc.
She walked out of treatment, which had been an ultimatum given the circumstances (wont ramble too much more right now), after only seven days
I only allowed her home because she claimed there had been another girl who had gotten heroin into the treatment center, she knew shed relapse of she'd stayed. She seemed confident that after four days of detox plus three days in treatment, she had a good chance. I continued to extend trust.
She sow t the following few days with addict acquaintances, which I called her
Her out on. She claimed that she was clean and I should trust and believe in her.
On one of these nights she tested positive on pregnancy test. I was less than happy as I'd been fairly sure shed been lying since she'd walked out of treatment.
A few days more had gone by, and on a hunch I came home early without calling.... And caught her on the couch with a huge dose in hand
I was devastated. I really didnt think she would have gone that far once I saw it. I should mention now that her father is a horrible enabler, to the point that he give her a out $100 daily and even gave her a car and a couple hundred bucks the very days he had walked from treatment! I should also mention that I'd asked her for an abortion the night prior when she was falling asleep on her pancake at Denny's, which she had refused.
I'm not proud of this and have never done this before or since to anyone, but at my wits end, I calmed the sheriff. I didn't know hat to do as she had been telling boldfaced lies, had opted for the highlife when she had a real chance to get out, and was doing huge amounts of heroine in my home while carrying a baby she plans to keep. The sheriff came and took the heroine for "disposal", then let her drive.
At this point we were obviously both very very resentful. By now she as still halfway living with me and sleeping mostly at her enabler "don't bring me into your bs" dads, near obviously was devaluing and about to discard me in favor of (I'm pretty sure) someone with a bit less spine and perhaps more money or a habit of his own...
All this came to a head when I caught her with about 20 more syringes a d she lied about those as well. This was two Thursdays ago. I we t apes**t, told her I could no longer trust her or help her, went home and through the rest of her stuff out in the rain, packed my car and drive three states away (I should add that she is also unwilling to go on the methadone program).
I am beside myself with guilt for acting out of anger as I have. I am brimming over with hate after watching her kill a life willingly but the part of me that lives her is deeply remorseful for having acted out of rage toward a pregnant woman with a disease. I love her. I know I cannot help her, that she must help herself. I have had no contact in seven days but said some really hateful things before cutting her off.
In the course of the relationship I have slapped her a couple times. I have identified that I may suffer from borderline personality disorder. She has Ben diagnosed as a narcissist.
She has reached out to my extended family and they have advised get about terminating. She is still emailing me. I have not deleted my account as I am heavily interested to know if she will terminate or get help, but I have not been responding to her. One day she is terminating because she thinks I've cheated in the course of our relationship, the next she is keeping the baby, etc.
I know it takes two to tango. I know I should feel guilty for some of my indiscretion in handling matters, that I should have terminated the relationship much sooner.
I'm looking for verification of my actions, but know I have been wrong too.
Candid advice would be appreciated. I am doing everything in my power to fix my bulls**t.
Thank you
First, let me just say that I have been an addict, that I do understand how hard it can be to leave your addiction.
Now let me explain why I have created an account here and why I am posting:
I fell in love with a beautiful woman. She was 35 (now 36). She was honest with me from the beginning that she was a heroin addict of 15 years.
She moved in in short order and things were great at first as they usually are. She appealed to my longing for a family and children. We have each list a child to a custody battle. Of course she promised to get clean and be the best girlfriend ever. Of course that is what I wanted more than anything.
We lived together until very recently for about 7 months. I worked 6 days a week. She did the typical "addict thing"... Chasing the sack each day, not tending to our (my) home, lying... Never any stealing and always payed back promptly anything she borrowed outside of what a boyfriend would typically sport for the girl he loves, such as gas money, etc.
I had stated from the very beginning and she had agreed that we would need to nail down he addiction by any means necessary before the resentments mounted and things went to s**t.
After some lying and also finding meth in my home (which I absolutely CANNOT be around under any circumstances, I put my foot down about treatment. It took a couple months for her to get a detox bed and a spot in a treatment center.
By this time the typical resentment encountered by way of addict/ codependent living under one roof had mounted substantially, but there still seemed to be something there.
She went off to detox/ treatment and I as supportive; bringing positive radi g material, sending photos of self and family, writing regularly, etc.
She walked out of treatment, which had been an ultimatum given the circumstances (wont ramble too much more right now), after only seven days
I only allowed her home because she claimed there had been another girl who had gotten heroin into the treatment center, she knew shed relapse of she'd stayed. She seemed confident that after four days of detox plus three days in treatment, she had a good chance. I continued to extend trust.
She sow t the following few days with addict acquaintances, which I called her
Her out on. She claimed that she was clean and I should trust and believe in her.
On one of these nights she tested positive on pregnancy test. I was less than happy as I'd been fairly sure shed been lying since she'd walked out of treatment.
A few days more had gone by, and on a hunch I came home early without calling.... And caught her on the couch with a huge dose in hand
I was devastated. I really didnt think she would have gone that far once I saw it. I should mention now that her father is a horrible enabler, to the point that he give her a out $100 daily and even gave her a car and a couple hundred bucks the very days he had walked from treatment! I should also mention that I'd asked her for an abortion the night prior when she was falling asleep on her pancake at Denny's, which she had refused.
I'm not proud of this and have never done this before or since to anyone, but at my wits end, I calmed the sheriff. I didn't know hat to do as she had been telling boldfaced lies, had opted for the highlife when she had a real chance to get out, and was doing huge amounts of heroine in my home while carrying a baby she plans to keep. The sheriff came and took the heroine for "disposal", then let her drive.
At this point we were obviously both very very resentful. By now she as still halfway living with me and sleeping mostly at her enabler "don't bring me into your bs" dads, near obviously was devaluing and about to discard me in favor of (I'm pretty sure) someone with a bit less spine and perhaps more money or a habit of his own...
All this came to a head when I caught her with about 20 more syringes a d she lied about those as well. This was two Thursdays ago. I we t apes**t, told her I could no longer trust her or help her, went home and through the rest of her stuff out in the rain, packed my car and drive three states away (I should add that she is also unwilling to go on the methadone program).
I am beside myself with guilt for acting out of anger as I have. I am brimming over with hate after watching her kill a life willingly but the part of me that lives her is deeply remorseful for having acted out of rage toward a pregnant woman with a disease. I love her. I know I cannot help her, that she must help herself. I have had no contact in seven days but said some really hateful things before cutting her off.
In the course of the relationship I have slapped her a couple times. I have identified that I may suffer from borderline personality disorder. She has Ben diagnosed as a narcissist.
She has reached out to my extended family and they have advised get about terminating. She is still emailing me. I have not deleted my account as I am heavily interested to know if she will terminate or get help, but I have not been responding to her. One day she is terminating because she thinks I've cheated in the course of our relationship, the next she is keeping the baby, etc.
I know it takes two to tango. I know I should feel guilty for some of my indiscretion in handling matters, that I should have terminated the relationship much sooner.
I'm looking for verification of my actions, but know I have been wrong too.
Candid advice would be appreciated. I am doing everything in my power to fix my bulls**t.
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
No worries, Ekrub, I think you are in the right forum here. But if you want it moved just let me know where you want it.
Oh, and on the Holidays it's very quiet, that's why you are getting so few replies.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Oh, and on the Holidays it's very quiet, that's why you are getting so few replies.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Kingman, AZ
Posts: 20
Thanks Booo. I am home with family now. That is good. That and my car are about ALL I have at the moment. Left my home and my job. I know that distance is the best thing now as everyone is volatile. I wish I'd been able to make the same decision sooner and without being such a chump about it. Maybe this is what she needs to finally see the light and perhaps what I need to get help for my own suspected BPD. As for myself, I know what I need to do, but for her I'm afraid ill only be able to hope from a distance.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Ekrub,
She told she was a long term heroin addict and you began a relationship with her and let her move in. Now that you have spent a lot of time together and she has shown you who she is and it is now up to you to believe her. She simply isn't relationship material nor is she motherhood material at this time. To hope and dream that she would just quit is not realistic as very few make it to long term sobriety after being in addiction for so long.... especially if she is surrounded by enablers.
You are not in control of anything except yourself and I hope you will seek out recovery for yourself with Alanon, counseling, reading, reading, reading everything you can get your hands on that is relevant. Time is your friend and more will be revealed.
So very sorry you are going through this....
It is very sad that she is pregnant because as you know the prognosis is not good
She told she was a long term heroin addict and you began a relationship with her and let her move in. Now that you have spent a lot of time together and she has shown you who she is and it is now up to you to believe her. She simply isn't relationship material nor is she motherhood material at this time. To hope and dream that she would just quit is not realistic as very few make it to long term sobriety after being in addiction for so long.... especially if she is surrounded by enablers.
You are not in control of anything except yourself and I hope you will seek out recovery for yourself with Alanon, counseling, reading, reading, reading everything you can get your hands on that is relevant. Time is your friend and more will be revealed.
So very sorry you are going through this....
It is very sad that she is pregnant because as you know the prognosis is not good
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Out-of-control behavior, punishing the addict or the alcoholic with words or with slaps and pushing, inability to make decisions, inability to stick to decisions once made, storming out, coming back, storming out again, issuing ultimatums, not following up on ultimatums, screaming, crying, begging, berating, attacking, and falling apart:
these are all classic behaviors of the partner of the addict. It will help if first you accept that these are symptoms of the disease as it expresses itself in the loved one of an addict. In any Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting, every single individual in the room will attest to many or to all of these behaviors.
And all these behaviors create guilt. Because these behaviors violate what we have always done in the past: treated people with respect, with patience, with understanding. We are not ourselves in a relationship with an addict. We become a different person, a more primitive person, taken over by emotions and actions we cannot believe. This is why addiction is called a family disease. Whether "disease" is the right or wrong term, certainly "disorder" is. We become extremely disordered. It is part of the syndrome. It has visible symptoms. And all those out-of-control behaviors I listed, and which you are living, are the symptoms.
Perhaps you have BPD. Or perhaps you are an unrecovering addict/severe codependent. Because both addiction and codependency are spiritual disorders. And if the spiritual recovery doesn't happen, the craziness, the rage, the guilt, the shame will not go away.
Do you attend AA or NA? Do you go to Al-Anon? Have you a spiritual practice of any kind? Because turning over your will to a higher power is the core of recovery, and without that, you will try to battle addiction (your own as well as hers) and codependency with your ego and your intellect. And it simply will not work. That is not where healing takes place. Healing has to go much much deeper, to the spiritual core.
My suggestion is to let go awhile and get yourself to a 12-Step meeting four times a week. Do this for six months. Four times a week for six months. Stop playing God. Find a meeting and surrender. See what happens when you get your ego out of the way. I have seen amazing transformations in people's lives when they actually do the work of recovery. It saves their lives and their families as well, regardless of whether the addict gets clean.
these are all classic behaviors of the partner of the addict. It will help if first you accept that these are symptoms of the disease as it expresses itself in the loved one of an addict. In any Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting, every single individual in the room will attest to many or to all of these behaviors.
And all these behaviors create guilt. Because these behaviors violate what we have always done in the past: treated people with respect, with patience, with understanding. We are not ourselves in a relationship with an addict. We become a different person, a more primitive person, taken over by emotions and actions we cannot believe. This is why addiction is called a family disease. Whether "disease" is the right or wrong term, certainly "disorder" is. We become extremely disordered. It is part of the syndrome. It has visible symptoms. And all those out-of-control behaviors I listed, and which you are living, are the symptoms.
Perhaps you have BPD. Or perhaps you are an unrecovering addict/severe codependent. Because both addiction and codependency are spiritual disorders. And if the spiritual recovery doesn't happen, the craziness, the rage, the guilt, the shame will not go away.
Do you attend AA or NA? Do you go to Al-Anon? Have you a spiritual practice of any kind? Because turning over your will to a higher power is the core of recovery, and without that, you will try to battle addiction (your own as well as hers) and codependency with your ego and your intellect. And it simply will not work. That is not where healing takes place. Healing has to go much much deeper, to the spiritual core.
My suggestion is to let go awhile and get yourself to a 12-Step meeting four times a week. Do this for six months. Four times a week for six months. Stop playing God. Find a meeting and surrender. See what happens when you get your ego out of the way. I have seen amazing transformations in people's lives when they actually do the work of recovery. It saves their lives and their families as well, regardless of whether the addict gets clean.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Kingman, AZ
Posts: 20
Thanks to EnhlishGarden and Hopeworks.
Yes I have attended one alanon meeting in the lil Podunk town I am in in AZ, as there is no naranon here, and do have plans to attend more twelve-step meetings as they are available to me.
Over the course of the dysfunctional relationship I have reached out for help via crisis lines, emergency room crisis counseling, etc., but due to my erratic work schedule unfortunately was totally u able to make any meetings whatsoever, though vigilantly sought them. Now that I am out if the relationship at least in the physical sense I will be able to be more proactive in regard to twelve-step introspection.
I had conquered hard drugs several years ago however I should note that I have been on the marijuana maintenance program nearly the entire time up until my addict went to detox, at which time I have up smoking in support of her and have not picked it back up. I suppose I cannot differentiate between her addiction and mine, so won't go into why it how smoking weed is "not as bad" as shooting heroin. The fact is that I promised to be supportive and have not gone back on my word as a cheat head is the only way through this.
Spirituality has been the missing theme in my life, for most of my life, although there were a couple years in my twenties when I was VERY well grounded and spiritually on time. I am seeking that place again.
I have been reading everything I can get my hands on in reference to male anger, personality disorders, finding peace, codependency and so forth.
I have every intention of being a diligent and open minded pupil of whatever twelve step programs I can find including AA, NA, Alanon, possibly codependents anonymous.
My family who I am home with are casual drinkers, and I have to admit also that that could become a problem in my own weakened state, so AA will be crucial and essential.
Yes I have attended one alanon meeting in the lil Podunk town I am in in AZ, as there is no naranon here, and do have plans to attend more twelve-step meetings as they are available to me.
Over the course of the dysfunctional relationship I have reached out for help via crisis lines, emergency room crisis counseling, etc., but due to my erratic work schedule unfortunately was totally u able to make any meetings whatsoever, though vigilantly sought them. Now that I am out if the relationship at least in the physical sense I will be able to be more proactive in regard to twelve-step introspection.
I had conquered hard drugs several years ago however I should note that I have been on the marijuana maintenance program nearly the entire time up until my addict went to detox, at which time I have up smoking in support of her and have not picked it back up. I suppose I cannot differentiate between her addiction and mine, so won't go into why it how smoking weed is "not as bad" as shooting heroin. The fact is that I promised to be supportive and have not gone back on my word as a cheat head is the only way through this.
Spirituality has been the missing theme in my life, for most of my life, although there were a couple years in my twenties when I was VERY well grounded and spiritually on time. I am seeking that place again.
I have been reading everything I can get my hands on in reference to male anger, personality disorders, finding peace, codependency and so forth.
I have every intention of being a diligent and open minded pupil of whatever twelve step programs I can find including AA, NA, Alanon, possibly codependents anonymous.
My family who I am home with are casual drinkers, and I have to admit also that that could become a problem in my own weakened state, so AA will be crucial and essential.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Kingman, AZ
Posts: 20
Uhh, WANTING kids and willingly knocking her up of course are two different things. Yes, I want kids. My "assessment" was that shed done too much damage to her reproductive system by way of substance abuse to actually become pregnant. We had used patches for a time.
I was surprised that she was pregnant. I suppose in my own fantasmal thinking I had the mistaken belief that if pregnant she would do anything and everything to cheap up. I approached her very sincerely about a oration when I saw that was not in fact the case.
.... Ultimately, yes! I am just as much at fault as she is of this baby actually goes to term. Yep. I'm mortified and that is EXACTLY why u am here.
I was surprised that she was pregnant. I suppose in my own fantasmal thinking I had the mistaken belief that if pregnant she would do anything and everything to cheap up. I approached her very sincerely about a oration when I saw that was not in fact the case.
.... Ultimately, yes! I am just as much at fault as she is of this baby actually goes to term. Yep. I'm mortified and that is EXACTLY why u am here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: boring oregon
Posts: 23
Get out while you can. Tally your losses and move forward
You can not build a life with a heroin addict
The odds of recovery are abysmal . You are playing
With fire . Your worth more move on and pray for her and nothing more .
You can not build a life with a heroin addict
The odds of recovery are abysmal . You are playing
With fire . Your worth more move on and pray for her and nothing more .
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Kingman, AZ
Posts: 20
I surely am cutting my losses and moving on, and the support I am getting here is proving invaluable. Thanks to every one of you for your replies, advice, and words of wisdom. I have no intention of trying to rescue her. I have already been in too deep. My only concern at this point is that she terminate the pregnancy, but I have offered my guidance there. I can do no more; only work on myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Kingman, AZ
Posts: 20
For now I have a project to be passionate about... Which is a form of spiritual outlet on a sense. There is a property here outside of town that my father and I built some twenty years ago which had fallen into disrepair. I am headed out there now to start the process of renovation and bringing it back to its full potential. I will be moving there very soon and making it my positive outlet and my home.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
What happens to the other place? I'm sorry for being a b!tch but her being an active addict and not wanting to stop for that baby burns me up. I have an adopted sister who can never live on her own because her mother was so selfish she ruined that child's life with fetal alcohol syndrome. She's 18 years old and will always be a child! If the baby lives she/he is going to suffer through detox and what else?! It kills me to even think about it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Originally Posted by BoxinRotz 
What happens to the other place? I'm sorry for being a b!tch but her being an active addict and not wanting to stop for that baby burns me up. I have an adopted sister who can never live on her own because her mother was so selfish she ruined that child's life with fetal alcohol syndrome. She's 18 years old and will always be a child! If the baby lives she/he is going to suffer through detox and what else?! It kills me to even think about it.
It is very frustrating. My youngest brother and sister, who are twins, were born addicted to cocaine and heroin. They went through withdrawal for almost two months. Very sad. We're all adopted, and my parents also took foster children, so I've seen a lot. I'm happy to say they are both well-adjusted, functioning adults at 24 years old now.
There's not really much he can do right now to change anything she does. Once she has the baby he can fight to get sole custody and probably do so right away by insisting on a drug test as soon as the baby is born. It's heartbreaking. I really don't understand addicts who keep having children. I just don't.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Kingman, AZ
Posts: 20
I'm ok with you, BoxinRotz. I am a fan of honest self-inventory and constructive criticism. They are supposed to help us grow and become better people and avoid making the same mistakes over and over. Of you are asking about the "other place" meaning the home she and I had lived in in Washington, it was a rental. I did love that house and rented from a good friend. It was on the water in Olympia, great crabbing right off the dock, canoeing on the sound, etc... But I can't live there fir fear I will throttle this biznatch!! Also, all the despair I had felt in that house is deadening. Sometimes relocating is a big step in the healing process.
I'm sorry to hear about the hand your sister had been dealt. I hope to GODD I don't fi d myself part in bringing a child into this world under circumstances like that.
I'm sorry to hear about the hand your sister had been dealt. I hope to GODD I don't fi d myself part in bringing a child into this world under circumstances like that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Originally Posted by BoxinRotz
What happens to the other place? I'm sorry for being a b!tch but her being an active addict and not wanting to stop for that baby burns me up. I have an adopted sister who can never live on her own because her mother was so selfish she ruined that child's life with fetal alcohol syndrome. She's 18 years old and will always be a child! If the baby lives she/he is going to suffer through detox and what else?! It kills me to even think about it.
I'm not sure if there are laws to protect unborn babies of addicts, but there ought to be! It seems criminal to allow her to harm this child!
I know that they routinely test for drugs in newborns at birth. If the baby comes up positive at birth the mother is not allowed to take the baby home with her. Sorry for getting too political but it seems a little too late.
Ekrub, Please call cps and find out what if anything can be done!
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