ddincrisis

So my story is long but I will try to shorten it as much as possible. I'm 29, soon to be 30. Im married to a wonderful LEO with 3 kids and have a sister who is married and expecting her first baby. My sister and I grew up with great parents in an upper-middle class home. My parents were very involved in our lives and in our community. My dad coached us in softball year round, mom was at all games and practices, dance recitals, plays, etc... We really had a great childhood and I dont have bad memories of my parents pre adult life.
About 5 or more years ago I started noticing my dad's drinking getting out of control. He had drank my whole life without me every seeing him drunk. At first I just equated it to, this is how he always has been, but now that I am an adult he just is showing me more of his true self. Well a couple of years went by and he had a horrible colitis attack that sent him to the hospital for a few weeks. In there he admitted he has a drinking problem. He quit cold turkey. I was so proud of him! I never suspected him drinking and really dont think that he did in the next few years to follow. However, my mom, who is VERY co dependent on my dad, would occasionally offer him wine at holidays and such (it made me livid since she knew he admitted he had a problem previously) he actually would refuse it. My mom never admitted my dad had an alcohol problem. She would just say he quit drinking for his stomach problems. Yeah okay mom...
Okay so about 3 years ago I started noticing other habits, first in my mom. She would fall asleep in mid conversations, she mumbled, she drooled, she laughed weird and said random things in conversations that had nothing to do with what we were talking about. Her appearance started going downhill and she rarely wanted to leave the house. It used to be a few times a week, then every day, then all day every day. I didnt notice it in my dad until a few years later and then the same type things started happening with him. So eventually I confronted them. I talked to my dad first and asked about my mom. He said he thought it might be her going through the "change" of life or other health issues. I wanted so bad to believe that, that I did for a while. Eventually it got to be too much though. My sister began to notice things(she lives 4 hours away and isnt here much). So we both confronted them. My mom blamed it on old age, bad health, etc.... She wasnt even 50 yet at the time. I could go on and on about events and issues that occured that gave me signs, but many of you probably know the drill and the behavior by now The straw that broke the camels back for me was when my two boys came home from "grandma's house" and told me they had to wake grandma up at a redlight because she fell asleep driving. Mad didnt begin to explain it! So we confronted them again, this time with my husband stepping in and putting his foot down. He told them they would only see the kids at our house with one of us present.
The next week my parents got pulled on a traffic stop. They were found with over 100 pills. Xanax, oxys, loratabs, percocets, and a few others in the same family. My mom was charged with DUI and taken to jail. The next day when we went to bail my mom out, they were both charged with possession and intent to distribute. I sat in a courtroom and watched my mom in an orange jumpsuit and my dad in handcuffs. All of this took place in the same county my husband works as a cop in. I was hurt, embaressed, etc....
I got my parents home and they admitted everything to me. My mom was taking more pain pills, upwards to 20 a day! My dad was taking more xanax and a few pain pills a day. They wanted help and they wanted to be clean because now they were facing legal troubles. So I detoxed them. No judgement passing, because i was so glad to finally have heard the truth. This all happened around Thanksgiving 2012.
My parents are self employed so they dont have their own insurance. I detoxed them by myself with the help of a family doctor weaning them with adavan, and having to make one ER trip for anti seizure meds for my dad coming off the benzos and fluid for them both because they were having diarrhea and vomiting and not able to hold anything down. But we made it through that week somehow! Their family dr followed them closely and referred the to an outpatient clinic, with strict instructions to try to find inpatient care if they could afford it. They chose the outpatient care and told me after three months their counselors told them they didnt need to come back they were doing great.
When I think back I feel so stupid. There is no addiction counselor that would ever say that 3 months into sobriety! I just wanted to believe it so bad. So 2013 has been awesome up until a few weeks ago. My parents seemed to be doing great and they were acting like their old selves. My dad did start drinking at occasions but I never saw him drink more than one beer. A few weeks ago I noticed my mom nodding off again, and some of the mumbling. I asked her if she was okay and she said she was just tired from work. Its happened a few times since them, including yesterday while we were last minute christmas shopping. She has a margaritta with lunch and started doing it. There was no way she was drunk off the little bit of alcohol she had. I think the alcohol increased the pill's feeling somehow. A few days ago my husband noticed my dad acting weird. I didnt see it so I pushed it out of my mind. Then tonight at Christmas eve dinner he was nodding off. He had wine with his meal and was drinking baileys Irish cream. I don't even know where to start or what to do. My sister has noticed my mom as well and wants to talk to the after the holidays. She wants to go to my dad about my mom. She doesnt think my dad is having issues, however she's not around them as much as I am and she doesnt see it. I'm wishing I am just paranoid but my gut tells me they are using again. I am so upset. They don't realize they hurt more than just themselves by doing this! My children LOVE their grandparents, but I can't let them be around that kind of behavior. I'm so scared of confronting them because I know my mom will definitely deny it all. Please help me here!!!!!!!!!!! Any advice is appreciated.

thestarxvii

welcome.

confront, accuse, ask; answers will vary with mood, whether they are high, or jonesing.

if you know their behavior is not normal, trust that.

thestarxvii

parenting your parents is always difficult. but w/ anyone, anytime you scream and yell, the more defiant they become. just leave them to their own devices and they will get it done if they want to.

it took me about 3 weeks of reading stories here to learn to completely let go of trying to control addicts behavior. that's the best advice. don't give them a channel to lie. make your boundaries and adhere to them. Do it for You, and your families health and wellness.

Twofish

Hi DD, Welcome to SR and glad you are seeking the support you will be needing. These SR folks are so kind and brutally honest, you will find so much good advice. Read the stickies at the top of the Forums, lots of good info. I'm sorry this has happened to you and your family, especially the second time around at Xmas , relapse is part of the disease. Addiction is a selfish disease, out for itself and no one gets in it's way...except you. Be strong, take care of you, call the Dr. it's time for inpatient therapy especially if your parents are willing to be sober. DD here's a big hug to you from us on this special Xmas eve, sobriety, hopefully will begin on Xmas! Merry Xmas DD, the gift of sobriety is waiting for your parents. Many, many gentle hugs, TF

EnglishGarden

Facing reality on Christmas Eve is a hard thing to do, but here you are, asking people in recovery for feedback, so that means that you are not as sick as the rest of your family.

Your parents are both addicts, and in addictive disease, there is loss of control. "One" drink, "one" pill just does not happen because of loss of control. Any mood-altering narcotic will trigger the addiction and the loss of control. The addict or alcoholic will drink or use when every intention was to avoid it, and will drink or use to excess when every intention was to have only one or two. It is a disease of obsession and then of compulsion. Loss of control.

Your parents will be addicts/alcoholics for life. For their entire lives. For your entire life. No matter how much you deeply wish this were not so, it is the reality. They are dangerous to their own lives and they are dangerous to your children if allowed to babysit. It is not an option. They cannot be trusted to take care of children because addiction is loss of control. And that means that intoxication can and will happen when they are with your children.

So the first step is setting firm boundaries about the children never being left alone with their addicted grandparents as babysitters. And I would hold those boundaries for a minimum of two years and then reassess. It all depends on proven sobriety. You'll know.

You need all the education you can get. Read about addiction so you do not have unrealistic expectations of your parents. Read about its effects on the family so you will understand that the family--you, your sister, all the others--can be in serious denial about this devastating family problem and can react in extreme and even destructive ways.

Al-Anon meetings have free literature for families of alcoholics/addicts. This forum has links in the Sticky section which will give you information.

Typically the family denies the severity of the problem and is usually unwilling to accept the fact that they cannot control and cannot cure the alcoholic/addict. It often takes several crises for the family to finally accept this.

Sometimes the family members turn on each other, releasing the anger and hurt and helplessness they feel by attacking each other. This is the way addiction can destroy not only the alcoholic/addict but also the soul of the family and the souls of all involved.

So there is a great responsibility to seek help. If you do not, your family will become sicker and crazier and your children will absorb it. You can be healthy, you can handle this in healthy ways. But you have to seek help. Alone, you will do all the wrong things.

Your parents may remain in active addiction to the end of their days. They may have an unconscious pact to do so. I have seen it happen. It becomes a kind of bond.

They are individuals with their own personalities, identities, weaknesses, strengths, histories and choices. Let them own it all. Find help for yourself in Al-Anon or in counseling so you can accept their paths, whatever the outcome. We need help to do this. Otherwise we become quite sick with anxiety and with rage and guilt.

Many blessings to your children this evening. This is your life, live it well, and let others live theirs. You are powerless to control anyone else but yourself. Your emotional health will depend upon your complete acceptance of this reality. You can get there.

rose

Welcome to SR DD...

So sorry to hear this Wow, pretty devastating for you and your sister. I think you can see the hand writing on the wall ...red flags are flying so listen to your gut, something isn't right. For sure tell them what your noticing and their grand kids will not be left with them nor be around them until you get to the bottom of what is wrong with them. That way you are not accusing them of using just saying somethings not right here....

Rose

ddincrisis

Thanks everyone for your responses. I really appreciate it. It feels so lonely sometimes going through this. I don't think my parents will be open to rehab at all. How do I suggest it without coming across as judgemental and angry? Or do I suggest it at all? I hate controversy and really am nervous about WW3 starting in my family.

cleaninLI

Merry Christmas dd! Sorry this is happening in your family. I can relate to a lot of what you posted. I'm on the other side of this. I'm a pain pill/benzo addict in recovery. Like your parents addiction, mine developed later in life too. After a shoulder injury and prescribed Percocet for pain, I developed an addiction to it.

Everyone is different and of course you can not force your parents into recovery. They have to want it for themselves. I do think you need to build strong boundaries though. I think it would be a good idea to sit down with your parents and have a very serious talk about YOUR boundaries. I know these seem a bit harsh but trust me growing up around an addict or alcoholic does affect the children.
1.) under no circumstances will you allow them to be alone with their grandchildren.
2.) you will not allow them to visit their grandchildren in your home.
3.) you will not bring their grandchildren to their home for visits
If you like, you could explain why you feel that way.
4.) you will no longer bail them out of jail or help them with any legal issues as a result of their addiction. Their choices their consequences.

I know that these boundries are placed there for your benefit and for those of your children, but I do think that placing them there will help them to take a very serious look at the effects their addiction is having on their family. Hopefully, they will think about loosing your love and respect and that of their grandchildren. It would be great if all your siblings could have the same boundaries. Get them all on the same page with you. That way it will help your parents to see that they are losing their entire family. Perhaps they will reach out for help quicker.

That in my opinion is pretty much all you can do. You can't force them into rehab. Even if they were to go it doesn't mean they won't start using again.

Ultimatums don't really work either.

I will tell you that when my husband was walking out the door with three of my children, I did decide to get help. I did not want to loose my family. That was a bottom for me. That is how I felt. No one can predict how your parents feel though. If you are a close family, And they fear the loss of you and their grandchildren, they might decide to change.

Wishing you the best. I know this is hard for you.

ddincrisis

I swear I hate this! I know I need to keep my kids away, but how do I tell them? They are 9, 7 and 4. My two oldest in particular love the granddad and are used to doing things with him all the time. This is so hard.

rose

You only need to tell them grandpa and grandma are not well

Rose

ddincrisis

So i thought I would update. Its' been like 8 months since I posted, and after this incident I did confront my parents. They of course made up a legitimate excuse that I fell for. To be honest, now I can't even remember what it was but I know i believed them at the time (probably because in the back of my mind I wanted too) We had a pretty decent spring. My dad even coached my middle son's tball team. I really thought things were good....
Last month I started noticing the slurring and falling assleep with my mom. I tried hard to put it out of my mind, but it kept happening. Most of the time it was when my dad was not around. So I thought well maybe she is on the pills again and is trying to hide it from my dad because he's doing well with his sobriety. How wrong I was.... So a few weeks ago we went to our familys' beach home for my middle sons 8th birthday. We had the whole family together since my sister had her baby. It was supposed to be an awesome weekend. As soon as we got down there I thought it was odd that my mom called my dad into their bedroom and closed the door. I could hear a pill bottle rattling, but then they came out and I figured it was just my dad's blood pressure meds or something. Of course within an hour they were both slurring their words and my mom was even falling asleep on the toy isle in Walmart while she, my sister and I made a toy run for my sons' bday gifts. She threw random things in the buggy and acted out of sorts at the cash register. When we got to the car my sister and I both confronted her about it. Of course she denied it and then turned the whole arguement around on us. It was a nightmare. She said she'd leave if we wanted her too and tried to make us feel guilty. We told her to stay so my kids wouldnt notice and my son could still have a good bday. They left soon after breakfast and gifts the next morning. So all of that happened and my dad actually told me he had taken something and that he did slip up. He apologized and told me he really was working on his sobriety. I was happy about that part because before he wouldn't admit when he had a problem. My mom still denies anything... So we go through this "pretend like nothing happened phase" the past few weeks and then we had another blow out today. I won't bore you with the details because many of you go through fights with your addicts that go no where and just end up with everyone doing a lot of finger pointing and name calling. My husband, the LEO, seems to be who my parents really go after and he is the one who tries to avoid the fights with them. They are so paranoid they believe since he's a cop that he had them setup to be busted. They are delusional! Now they are telling extended family that my husband is disrespectful to them and blah blah blah....
I know what I should do... not argue with them, stick to my boundaries, remember they are addicts and its a disease, but its so hard not to want to fight to protect my husband and to let them know how bad this hurts their daughters, son in laws, and most importantly their grandkids who adore them. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare I can't wake up from.

Ann

DD, their bad behaviour isn't about you or your husband, they are trying to find someone to blame rather than accept responsibility for their own bad choices.

I am so sorry you are going through all this, I can't imagine how hard it would be to watch a parent or worse, both parents, do this.

I wouldn't leave the kids unattended with either of them, the danger is just too great.

If you think a family intervention might help, then maybe get your sister on board and give it a try. It seemed to help some before.

Other than that, there is not much you can do except keep your children safe and be honest with them as to what you see.

Keeping you all in my prayers as this must be very hard to go through.

Hugs

Twofish

Dear DD,
I'm so sorry that you are still on this roller coster ride. It feels like a trap, right?
You have to let it go and that will hurt but you and your family are what is most important. You will drive yourself mad trying to fix this, I know I almost did.
Denial is strong. They are in denial and not interested in sobriety. So, protect your children, set those boundaries and keep strong to them. Just tell your children that grandma is sick, ( she is with the disease of addiction.) A very difficult cruel disease.
You have to let go...let God handle this one?
And please, I know it's hard, just like it was last Xmas, take care of You and your husband and your children.
Bless the family of an addicted parent.
Hugs, gentle hugs,
TF

ddincrisis

So I keep getting pulled into the guilt trip game. After last weekend, I decided i was going to contact my parents. They called today to try and get the kids for the day. When I told them know they flipped and of course tried to say we were using the kids against them and holding their past over their heads, blah blah blah.... Its really frustrating and I just feel numb right now. We held firm to our boundaries though and did not let them get the kids. Someone please tell me this gets easier.

chicory

Good for you! in holding your boundaries!

It will get easier as they accept that you are going to do so-non negotiable boundaries .

I know it must be hard. the less you let them try to change your mind, the more peaceful it will become. just state the facts, and say see ya later. they will finally get the hint and maybe they will decide to do something about the real problem.

hugs!

hopeful4

I agree with Chicory. You must keep your boundaries for the safety of your children. Don't ever let them manipulate you into thinking anything else. As they see you have boundaries that you will stick to, they, like children, will test them less and less. If you continue to push your boundaries away and let them manipulate you, this will continue on.

As far as your husband setting them up....wow. If they were not doing anything wrong they would have nothing to worry about. Keep that in your head ALL THE TIME.

It hurts, I know. However, you cannot let addicts control you, your boundaries, or your life.

Tight Tight Hugs!