Aiko

Love that song...

I love Candy but it is just rotting me...
Is a Spiral... you take you rot... you suffer you take... you rot... you take...


You try to stop and your head is a mess...

It is Christmas and I got all dressed and pretty...
I took the antidepressants with wine...
I got drunk and can not drive anywhere...
so I phoned to get some s**t over...
to finish myself off... :mog

And I feel so lonely... at home alone... Waiting for s**t....
I could go with them but I prefer to get stoned at home...
they will start with heavy stuff and I like downies ...

I do not know why I dress up... Why do I bother to put on make up...
All I want is get numb forget I exist...

I try again and again... for the last two years... and I keep on going back...
and every time I go back it gets worse... my head drives me crazy...
and I have to pretend I am fine on the outside GOD!

I am just upset... waiting...

Twinings

Sorry you are struggling Aiko

least

I'm sorry you're having a bad time of it.

Anna

Aiko, it definitely is a spiral. I felt the same as you do and I was continuing to go down more and more quickly. You really need to take a leap of faith and stop. Just stop, right now, tonight. Get rid of whatever you have. Don't pick up the phone. Don't answer the door. Just get through the night. You can do this!

Thepatman

I'm sorry you are down tonite.

Have you ever felt anger, not towards yourself but aimed at your addiction?
For me, anger was the original emotion that got me going for sobriety. Like a survival instinct, the emotion was raw and brutal.

Now the anger has passed, acceptance is my frame of mind. Like a war that's now over.

Be well

neferkamichael

Aiko, Feliz Navidad! Rootin for ya.

FourSeasons

Aiko, I am so sorry you feel like this. You can pull yourself . I know it is a tough time of the year, at least it is for me, but this time will pass. Hang in there and please don't give up...

Dee74

I really hope that you decide to stop waiting and decide to change Aiko - it's never too late...or too early

D

Django

I love this one Aiko, having a little evening stroll helps. If music inspires you try and find something that will lift you. I hope you feel better :-)

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons
I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now! (now)

It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly, I probably did it subliminally
For you, so I could come back a brand new me you helped see me through
And don't even realize what you did, believe me you
I been through the ringer, but they could do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of
My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers
And drop dead, no more beef flingers
No more drama from now on, I promise
To focus only on handling my responsibilities as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof, like my daughters
And raise it, you couldn't lift a single shingle on it!
Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to the club
Or the corner pub, and lift the whole liquor counter up
Cause I'm raising the bar
I'd shoot for the moon but I'm too busy gazing at stars
I feel amazing and I'm...

soberhawk

Don't give up Aiko.

Sun is shining tomorrow in Malaga

(( Aiko ))

Aiko

Thank you for all your kind messages and support.

I feel like s++t today!

My friends say I do not got a problem...they do not support me any more they do not want to talk about my problem... as It does not exist...
My family has not got a clue... I can not loose my job...
I lost my psychologist and have to look for a new one but I do not want to start again...
I feel alone with the problem...

I cannot stop medicating and am mixing (Sertralina+trileptal) with alcohol and sometimes I have a sweet Alprazolam to get stoned fully. and on top I started to smoke pot occasionally...
My heart is not too good lately...

I am playing with fire, I know it but I continue...
I have to stop or it will come out in the open...
I got responsibilities I have to stop I really do...

At 19 I had an overdose mixing and now I am 38 on the same direction...
My parents lost my brother in an accident & my younger brother would not overcome it twice...

I have to stop... I keep on saying!
at long last I cry I wanted to cry for such a long time...
I need to get it out.

Thank you so much for putting up with me...
I need to stop complaining and act upon it.

Have a great Christmas lots of Love...

silentrun

No one seems to think I have an alcohol problem either. I think there might be some denial on their part. It seems like this thing destroys us from the inside out. They can't see what is going on inside if we hide it. That's OK there are people on here that do understand.
You are so not alone in this.

soberhawk

People do not always want to talk about the darker aspects of life, I think that is very common and normal.

You did stop Aiko and you can do it again.

Do not be hard on yourself, think about what made you drink again and what you are going to do different next time.

It can be done.

Enjoy your holidays and take care of yourself.

Aiko

Dear all,

I am going to try again on the 1st!!!
Bad bad word > try.
a phoned a friend to stay with me on the first, I need help...
It is getting harder and harder to stop... I think I lasted 3 weeks.
and now I am out all the chances I get... I am awake when I am at work.. and even there we are having shots in the office.

Today I tried to go running
and I could not was too stoned.
so I walked the seafront where I used to run...

I got to get through another 2 days without loosing it!
tomorrow is another drinking session with the workmates...
I am feeling worse and worse but still at it!!!

I am worried I keep on doing this circle of I stop such day...
I manage to stay most of the time awake and then start slowly tapping going back...
Until I am inside again... then I loose it and get panic I can not control any more...
then I choose another day... all over again... I am not learning over and over again 2 years.

I am ***** up with myself...

Dee74

I know I've said it before but I had to find more support, and I had to make major changes to my life - any thing short of that and my old life kept dragging me back in...again and again.

I was like that for years.

I wish you the best Aiko
I hope you can turn things around this time.

D