Mutually Destructive?

Old 12-24-2013, 11:55 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
InvisibleFrank's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: London
Posts: 18
Mutually Destructive?

Up until recently I had been in a relationship with a woman I love dearly. We started our relationship at a party and often got drunk and took various drugs together at parties and occasionally at home together. After about 16 months I realized that the drinking and drugs had spiraled out of control for the two of us although we both held down jobs and kept our house and lives in order. I (30) was 4 years older than my lover and found that the toll taken by everything (being hungover / guilt etc) was getting too much. I kept asking for her support in my abstinence as I knew that drinking and drugs was killing me / her, she would stay in bed and vomit uncontrollably all day after a session which is not a nice position to see the woman you love in. I kept requesting her not to bring drugs into the house or if she did, then not to tell me. She would say 'yes I support you and admire what you're trying to do" and then bring drugs in to the house and do them / let me know that she was doing them. I inevitably would end up getting involved and regret it hugely. I told her that I could't bear keeping on re-lapsing and that I would leave if she couldn't help and support me but not behaving in this way as I found it hard to resist temptation when it's right under my nose.

She would ask me not to drink so much and particularly not carry on into the next day but I couldn't stop although I new that if I didn't start it wouldn't be a problem!


We both new that after too many drinks and 2 days drinking I could get really mouthy towards her and verbally unkind, never violent or abusive so much as sarcastic and angry. (perhaps at my frustration at her for not supporting my continuing pleas for help / support).

After the scenario kept happening and various times of me saying I'll walk out if this keeps on happening…I left, I walked out to stay with my family and get clean and sober with their support (my dad is 40 years sober).

She moved in with her mother and is now also free from drugs (it's impossible to get them on the small island where she lives) but continues to drink like most normal people. She seems to be doing great.

I still love her with all my heart and although we said that we initially had quite a fair bit of communication and promised each other we would work through things slowly, she now has closed down all contact. I know I did the right thing for the both of us, but it's killing me that she won't communicate.

I kind of wish I'd just carried on and that we were still together. What are people's thoughts on this? 24 days sober and clean.
InvisibleFrank is offline  
Old 12-24-2013, 12:02 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
I think you are so brave for doing what you did. You will never have a real relationship if you are both using. But if you are sober you may have a chance in the future. Your sobriety should be the most important thing in your life right now, cuz without it life sucks.


If it was meant to be it will happen. But sounds like taking the route you took is also really helping here as well and she may really thank you someday!
deeker is offline  
Old 12-24-2013, 04:20 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
peaceful seabird
 
Pelican's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I think you are in love with a fantasy of what the relationship could be, because the reality doesn't appear to be mutually respectful, supportive or understanding.

Originally Posted by InvisibleFrank View Post
After about 16 months I realized that the drinking and drugs had spiraled out of control for the two of us

I kept asking for her support in my abstinence as I knew that drinking and drugs was killing me / her,

she would stay in bed and vomit uncontrollably all day after a session which is not a nice position to see the woman you love in.

I kept requesting her not to bring drugs into the house or if she did, then not to tell me. She would say 'yes I support you and admire what you're trying to do" and then bring drugs in to the house and do them / let me know that she was doing them

She moved in with her mother and is now also free from drugs but continues to drink
If she is still drinking, the chances are good that she is lying about the quantity. My ex husband would lie about his level of drinking when he tried to reconcile with me. He also would say he fell asleep early on nights he was drunk so I wouldn't hear his slurring words.

In my sober life, I wanted a relationship partner who is open, honest, and treats me with respect as an equal partner in life. I didn't settle for less.
I deserve to be treated with respect, and so do you.

Your sobriety is priority one! You have 24 days clean and sober. Your ex is not sober. How are you going to handle her bringing home booze, drinking in front of you, and getting smashed? I tried living with an active alcoholic after I was sober, and I was not able to detach from the disrespect that came in the house with the bottle of booze.

Originally Posted by InvisibleFrank View Post
I (30) was 4 years older than my lover and found that the toll taken by everything (being hungover / guilt etc) was getting too much. I kept asking for her support in my abstinence as I knew that drinking and drugs was killing me

I told her that I couldn't bear keeping on re-lapsing and that I would leave if she couldn't help and support me

What are people's thoughts on this? 24 days sober and clean.
It was not up to my husband to help me stay sober. It was not up to my family to help me stay sober. They didn't cause it. They couldn't control it. They couldn't cure it.

My addiction was my problem and it was mine to solve. That way, if I failed ~ I had myself to blame. Plus, that way if I succeeded, I could take the credit.

Your dad has been sober 40 years. That is awesome! I would ask him what his thoughts were, and do that.
Pelican is offline  
Old 12-26-2013, 01:51 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
InvisibleFrank's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: London
Posts: 18
She will continue drinking, her mom is a big drinker still and used to be a wake and bake drinker. She (my ex) was always the one in the relationship who was the "I don't have a problem" half. I sent her and her family a christmas card but didn't hear anything. I'm convinced that I am being made into the bad guy by her mom, which hurts as I'm a kind person and I believe I did the right thing for both of us, at least she's not doing mounds of coke as well now. Me and my old man are very close, he has helped me a great deal. Thank you both for your advice it has really given me a great insight! I do take full responsibility for what passes my lips, it's just that the situation is made much harder when you have someone else doing it right in your face and right under your nose (metaphorically). Thank you both so much @pelican and @deeter Happy Holidays !
InvisibleFrank is offline  
Old 12-26-2013, 02:58 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Good morning, Frank!

I think you absolutely did the right thing, and 24 days sober is fantastic news!!!!

It is early days in a life-long lifestyle change, though. I hope you will continue to concentrate on your sobriety and recovery and life!

What will be, will be when it comes to your girlfriend. You know you did the right thing for your health and maybe your very life. I hope that you will not jeopardize that now by going back to the same old pattern of behaviors. Her mother may or may not be badmouthing you.....but as another SR moderator says "What other people think of me is none of my business".

Sending you strength and good wishes for your continued recovery~!
Seren is offline  
Old 12-26-2013, 03:06 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
InvisibleFrank's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: London
Posts: 18
Thanks Seren, I'm in for the long haul, being in the music industry makes my fight even harder as I have to be surrounded by drinking and partying for work. I'm tough and this place really helps! Happy Holidays!
InvisibleFrank is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:52 AM.