Getting through the holidays
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Getting through the holidays
You are reading from "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie (Dec 24th)
For some, the sights, signs, and smells of the holidays bring joy and a warm feeling. But, while others are joyously diving into the season, some of us are dipping into conflict, guilt, and a sense of loss.
We read articles on how to enjoy the holidays, we read about the Christmas blues, but many of us still can’t figure out how to get through the holiday season. We may not know what a joyous holiday would look and feel like.
Many of us are torn between what we want to do on the holiday, and what we feel we have to do. We may feel guilty because we don’t want to be with our families. We may feel a sense of loss because we don’t have the kind of family to be with that we want. Many of us, year after year, walk into the same dining room on the same holiday, expecting this year to be different. Then we leave, year after year, feeling let down, disappointed, and confused by it all.
Many of us have old, painful memories triggered by the holidays.
Many of us feel a great deal of relief when the holiday is ended.
One of the greatest gifts of recovery is learning that we are not alone. There are probably as many of us in conflict during the holidays as there are those who feel at peace. We’re learning, through trial and error, how to take care of ourselves a little better each holiday season.
Our first recovery task during the holidays is to accept ourselves, our situation, and our feelings about our situation. We accept our guilt, anger, and sense of loss. It’s all okay.
There is no right or perfect way to handle the holidays. Our strength can be found in doing the best we can, one year at a time.
This holiday season, I will give myself permission to take care of myself.
For some, the sights, signs, and smells of the holidays bring joy and a warm feeling. But, while others are joyously diving into the season, some of us are dipping into conflict, guilt, and a sense of loss.
We read articles on how to enjoy the holidays, we read about the Christmas blues, but many of us still can’t figure out how to get through the holiday season. We may not know what a joyous holiday would look and feel like.
Many of us are torn between what we want to do on the holiday, and what we feel we have to do. We may feel guilty because we don’t want to be with our families. We may feel a sense of loss because we don’t have the kind of family to be with that we want. Many of us, year after year, walk into the same dining room on the same holiday, expecting this year to be different. Then we leave, year after year, feeling let down, disappointed, and confused by it all.
Many of us have old, painful memories triggered by the holidays.
Many of us feel a great deal of relief when the holiday is ended.
One of the greatest gifts of recovery is learning that we are not alone. There are probably as many of us in conflict during the holidays as there are those who feel at peace. We’re learning, through trial and error, how to take care of ourselves a little better each holiday season.
Our first recovery task during the holidays is to accept ourselves, our situation, and our feelings about our situation. We accept our guilt, anger, and sense of loss. It’s all okay.
There is no right or perfect way to handle the holidays. Our strength can be found in doing the best we can, one year at a time.
This holiday season, I will give myself permission to take care of myself.
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I read this during my meditation time this morning and it made me think of all of you.
I am going to make this a lovely holiday. I just am. I'm going to roll with it. I'm doing things very differently this year. I'm having an open house policy all day on Christmas. No big dinner (but lots of food) and I didn't invite just family. I've invited people I know who have no family around. They will all be embraced and loved and welcomed like family.....coming and going whenever they choose, staying for as long as they like, and leaving when they want to......no expectations on my part.
Wishing all of you peace and joy.....finding it in whatever manner you can......
Love and hugs
ke
I am going to make this a lovely holiday. I just am. I'm going to roll with it. I'm doing things very differently this year. I'm having an open house policy all day on Christmas. No big dinner (but lots of food) and I didn't invite just family. I've invited people I know who have no family around. They will all be embraced and loved and welcomed like family.....coming and going whenever they choose, staying for as long as they like, and leaving when they want to......no expectations on my part.
Wishing all of you peace and joy.....finding it in whatever manner you can......
Love and hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
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Thanks Kindeyes. I am sitting here at my computer working (I work from home and need to still work even today). My son (not the AS) is staying here on his visit from out of state. He only comes in once a year. But there is tension here because of my decision not to include the AS in my life, even during the holidays, unless he is embracing a drug-free life. Unfortunately, his two siblings (one is sitting upstairs) do not think there is a drug problem - only a problem of laziness and immaturity - in the AS. so they are torn and visit him (like the split holiday visits in a divorce situation). I have been googling "fragmented family" but am tired of looking and came back here and saw your post.
I would like to sit these two siblings down and get things on the table. But I know that will not end up like I would like - just with more tension and anger at me for not doing it different.
so I will pray, walk the dog, and have the best Christmas possible. After all, this holiday is not my birthday but Someone else's.
I would like to sit these two siblings down and get things on the table. But I know that will not end up like I would like - just with more tension and anger at me for not doing it different.
so I will pray, walk the dog, and have the best Christmas possible. After all, this holiday is not my birthday but Someone else's.
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I needed to read that today, Kindeyes. I feel the loss of my missing son most of all at Christmas and learned, years ago, to use that feeling for good, not sadness.
We took food to a food bank today and special Christmas gifts for children to a women's shelter in the city here where we spend our winters.
I don't usually talk about these things, I don't get a halo because the true gift is in the giving and just doing "something" good helps Mr. Ann and I both feel like we are giving back some of the blessings we have received in our own lives.
For those who feel sad today, or lonely, maybe take cookies to a nursing home or children's small gifts to a hospital or shelter and let your heart feel the joy of giving.
Hugs and Merry Christmas to you, Kindeyes, and to all my dear friends here.
Hugs
We took food to a food bank today and special Christmas gifts for children to a women's shelter in the city here where we spend our winters.
I don't usually talk about these things, I don't get a halo because the true gift is in the giving and just doing "something" good helps Mr. Ann and I both feel like we are giving back some of the blessings we have received in our own lives.
For those who feel sad today, or lonely, maybe take cookies to a nursing home or children's small gifts to a hospital or shelter and let your heart feel the joy of giving.
Hugs and Merry Christmas to you, Kindeyes, and to all my dear friends here.
Hugs
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Thank you for this Kindeyes. I needed to read it. I am going to one sister-in-laws tonight then another tomorrow. I feel sad. My Christmas spirit is nowhere in sight and I am sitting here crying as I type. I don't know why. I have so much to be thankful for. Ann, I've bought for others less fortunate and we even brought over a big gift card to a couple we know who is struggling. It's the first Christmas for one SIL lost her son in January to an accidental OD. It will be a somber night.
Sojourner, my younger son did not believe his brother was an addict either. He thought we were overreacting. Since all he has gone through, he now sees exactly he is indeed an addict. It is very hard for them to admit it I think. They see them as a sibling with a slight problem and not reality. I hope your Christmas is a good one and you feel love and peace in your home. It can be a very tough holiday when you don't have that feeling of fulfillment and happiness that comes from having a family that is all doing well in the world.
Sojourner, my younger son did not believe his brother was an addict either. He thought we were overreacting. Since all he has gone through, he now sees exactly he is indeed an addict. It is very hard for them to admit it I think. They see them as a sibling with a slight problem and not reality. I hope your Christmas is a good one and you feel love and peace in your home. It can be a very tough holiday when you don't have that feeling of fulfillment and happiness that comes from having a family that is all doing well in the world.
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He, he. Talk about irony. I donated a new coat to the church Christmas coat drive. Guess where I bought it - yep, at TARGET. Used my credit card. That is probably the fifth time in my entire life that I bought anything at Target. Now I have a no-good credit card!
but my goodness, it could have been so much worse. God is good. Wish I could buy more coats for children who need them.
but my goodness, it could have been so much worse. God is good. Wish I could buy more coats for children who need them.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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Thank you for sharing. She is right. Each year has gotten a little bit better for me. For a few years, Christmas brought feelings of dread and sadness. The memories of Christmases past were traumatic. My addict/bipolar mother is usually at her worst this time of year.
Now, my Christmas brings out different feelings. I feel some yearning for what I don't have. I also feel happiness for the beauty of the season. I make my own memories and new traditions. I feel some anxiety regarding calling my family. I feel the usual nervousness over how my mother is going to cope with the holidays (but, at least I'm not there to be a witness). I feel hope for the new year and sadness for those who have lost family this year. I also feel gratitude for what I have. I feel more acceptance and peace than in the past. I'm glad to be at home--in my sweat pants. I have no obligations to be social or to fake happiness.
Now, my Christmas brings out different feelings. I feel some yearning for what I don't have. I also feel happiness for the beauty of the season. I make my own memories and new traditions. I feel some anxiety regarding calling my family. I feel the usual nervousness over how my mother is going to cope with the holidays (but, at least I'm not there to be a witness). I feel hope for the new year and sadness for those who have lost family this year. I also feel gratitude for what I have. I feel more acceptance and peace than in the past. I'm glad to be at home--in my sweat pants. I have no obligations to be social or to fake happiness.
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oh no! Target Boutique (said with a French accent and soft "g") is one of my favorite stores.....don't know why but I do love browsing their aisles and I usually go frequently. BUT alas.....I didn't shop there at all during the "period in question"......go figure. lol
I agree with Ann.....doing someone a good turn, letting someone go in line ahead of you, buying a coffee for the person behind you, putting money in the Salvation Army Red Kettle, bringing cookies to a neighbor, inviting someone with no family in the area to spend Christmas, buying a coat for children who need them, giving extra generously for the 7th Tradition,......these are just a few things to help us feel useful and good about giving back for our many blessings.
Sometimes....we let the shadow of addiction darken every corner of our lives. I plan to turn on the lights and experience joy tonight and tomorrow.
And in the words of Tiny Tim from "A Christmas Carol".....
.........God bless us every one.
gentle hugs
ke
I agree with Ann.....doing someone a good turn, letting someone go in line ahead of you, buying a coffee for the person behind you, putting money in the Salvation Army Red Kettle, bringing cookies to a neighbor, inviting someone with no family in the area to spend Christmas, buying a coat for children who need them, giving extra generously for the 7th Tradition,......these are just a few things to help us feel useful and good about giving back for our many blessings.
Sometimes....we let the shadow of addiction darken every corner of our lives. I plan to turn on the lights and experience joy tonight and tomorrow.
And in the words of Tiny Tim from "A Christmas Carol".....
.........God bless us every one.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 198
Yes, turn on the lights: candles, Christmas tree, and inner light in our souls. We have all known dark times, as have the addicts in our lives, but we don't have to let the darkness win. Our addict son is with us tonight, and in a foul mood (coming down from heroin and meth), but I plan to proceed with tamales for Christmas Eve, church tonight (just me), and Christmas dinner tomorrow (herb crusted chicken, mashed potatoes, Waldorf salad, green salad, and apple pie). Wishing SR family light and love.
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Location: Los Angeles, CA
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Thank you for this post KE....time to turn the page...make new traditions....there is always hope, but for me, I need to learn acceptance of what is. Blessings to you and yours and to all of those on SR 
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 198
So far so good for our Christmas. Beautiful service at church last night and the stars showed up so clearly in the cloudless sky. I felt such peace. Our son was appreciative of presents - nothing too extravagant- and my husband also liked his gifts. My husband's presents to me and our son were chosen very thoughtfully. Son received a book on Zen from his uncle. It is an area that interests him and I know this gift was intended to support him in his difficulties. So kind! Another cup of coffee and I will start cooking. Hope this low-key, serene feeling continues. I will try to enjoy the moment.
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