New e-mail from my AD...what to do????
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New e-mail from my AD...what to do????
I woke up this morning...opened my e-mail and this was there from my AD:
DMV/registration = $777.00
Impound fee = approx $300.00
Car lienholder =$500.00
The car is worth more than that. Just thought u should know. I would get it if i didn't have rent. I know that car means nothing to you, but you showing absolutely no ******* remorse, sympathy, ANYTHING shows that I obviously mean nothing to you.
Awesome.
Merry Christmas.
I KNOW that this information is not true. REAL info is:
DMV/Registration - ????? License is suspended/she has no insurance
Car lienholder = $2305.85 due IN FULL to avoid repo. Or... They will take $670.56 NOW (up until the 28th) with payments BY PHONE of $120.00/month until balance is paid in full.
Impound fee: Car is on a mandatory hold for 30 days....at that time it will be $1, 526.65
It is Xmas Eve morning....I am in knots...don't know whether to reply, ignore it, correct it or WHAT???? More lies, manipulation and guilt trips....
DMV/registration = $777.00
Impound fee = approx $300.00
Car lienholder =$500.00
The car is worth more than that. Just thought u should know. I would get it if i didn't have rent. I know that car means nothing to you, but you showing absolutely no ******* remorse, sympathy, ANYTHING shows that I obviously mean nothing to you.
Awesome.
Merry Christmas.
I KNOW that this information is not true. REAL info is:
DMV/Registration - ????? License is suspended/she has no insurance
Car lienholder = $2305.85 due IN FULL to avoid repo. Or... They will take $670.56 NOW (up until the 28th) with payments BY PHONE of $120.00/month until balance is paid in full.
Impound fee: Car is on a mandatory hold for 30 days....at that time it will be $1, 526.65
It is Xmas Eve morning....I am in knots...don't know whether to reply, ignore it, correct it or WHAT???? More lies, manipulation and guilt trips....
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
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I can understand your desire to respond, but it seems to me that the most effective response is no response. Otherwise, no matter what you say, you are reacting to her manipulation. She pushes the button, you rise to the bait. The dance of the addict and the codependent. Over and over again. Not responding best communicates to her that you are done with the dance - doesn't it?
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
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My son called me after his car was impounded a year and a half ago. He called four different times using a different approach each time......anger, guilt, begging, and "I'm clean". I knew that the car was his collateral with his dealers. He could run drugs, make deliveries, etc......as long as he had a car. It was often the only shelter he had. I said "No". That was the beginning of a rapid spiral for six months that was extremely hard to watch. But I stuck to my guns. Would I do it differently 20/20 hindsight. No.
Just because your daughter says something doesn't mean it is true. She is using the age old manipulation tactic F.ear O.bligation G.uilt = F.O.G. That tactic makes it very difficult to think clearly. (She's using all three of those things in that email.....she's loaded for bear). F.O.G. will make us do things that contribute to their addiction.....we can't think when our heads and hearts are in a F.O.G. Unconditional love without boundaries is not love at all. Just think....if she said "Hey Mom (in a loving manner) can you send me a couple thousand so that I can buy (insert drug of choice) to hold me for the next week or two?" Could you say no? I know you could.......so does she.
In Nar-Anon we learn to control our actions and reactions. Sometimes no response is very effective. There is no anger in it. There is no giving into manipulation in it. Sometimes the best response is absolutely no response at all. It sends a powerful message. But I guarantee she'll take another run at you. Brace yourself. It'll be a different tactic or she'll escalate.
You know you love her. So does she. She's counting on it.
gentle hugs
ke
Just because your daughter says something doesn't mean it is true. She is using the age old manipulation tactic F.ear O.bligation G.uilt = F.O.G. That tactic makes it very difficult to think clearly. (She's using all three of those things in that email.....she's loaded for bear). F.O.G. will make us do things that contribute to their addiction.....we can't think when our heads and hearts are in a F.O.G. Unconditional love without boundaries is not love at all. Just think....if she said "Hey Mom (in a loving manner) can you send me a couple thousand so that I can buy (insert drug of choice) to hold me for the next week or two?" Could you say no? I know you could.......so does she.
In Nar-Anon we learn to control our actions and reactions. Sometimes no response is very effective. There is no anger in it. There is no giving into manipulation in it. Sometimes the best response is absolutely no response at all. It sends a powerful message. But I guarantee she'll take another run at you. Brace yourself. It'll be a different tactic or she'll escalate.
You know you love her. So does she. She's counting on it.
gentle hugs
ke
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Thanks for the replies....I drafted a response e-mail just like my posting...but did not send it....funny KE...my husband was just talking about her next "run at me"...her 30 day hold on the car is up on Jan 3rd....I think the last payment on her car was the one I made in June (about 3 months worth) just prior to the July "episode" here....Since then, e-mails from her and this guy she has been with have been nothing but name calling, vulgar, full of profanity and accusations...I have not responded to most...but, I did respond to a few. In most of them she has said "Stay the F*** out of my life!" or "Do not F****** contact me!".....now lately, THIS....after being arrested and car impounded....You are right as well, SG...I guess I need to be done with this "dance"....over and over again.... Gotta remember that F.O.G. acronym.....
For me, this is a first...just stopping...
For me, this is a first...just stopping...
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Sorry this had to fall upon your lap on Christmas Eve, probably why she did it - pull at the told heart strings.
Why not set her email up so that it goes into a junk folder or spam - that way it's out of sight until you feel strong enough to read her "fictions".
I think ignoring her, not responding at all is the way to go right now.
Her car her problem!!!!!!
Why not set her email up so that it goes into a junk folder or spam - that way it's out of sight until you feel strong enough to read her "fictions".
I think ignoring her, not responding at all is the way to go right now.
Her car her problem!!!!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: WA
Posts: 124
Whether her financial figures are fiction or not, there isn't enough money in the WORLD for someone who is addicted to drugs. And, if we let it, our children's addiction will bankrupt us parents sure as anything.
They do know our weaknesses and are not shy about using them. And the profanity...amazing how they talk to us in ways they'd never dream of clean and sober. My daughter has F-bombed me non-stop in screaming fits to get money and during those rants I know she's about to or is withdrawing and needs a fix NOW.
She's homeless but couch surfs wherever she can. This last time was disguised in a request for "rent". During a real cold snap here in Seattle, too.
"I HAVE NOWHERE ELSE TO GO AND WILL BE OUT IN THIS FREEZING WEATHER!" Fear.
"BUT I'M YOUR CHILD!!!" Obligation.
"YOU HAVE MONEY AND A HOUSE...I HAVE NOTHING!" Guilt
FOG was definitely used on me. I said no. She swear a blue streak and hung up. She's still staying at that house...hmmm.
I think ignoring these emails is the best thing. Helps no one to engage. I WISH my daughter would email instead of phoning...as I (INSERT MY GUILT HERE) still feel the obligation to answer her calls. Slow learner...but I'm trying!
They do know our weaknesses and are not shy about using them. And the profanity...amazing how they talk to us in ways they'd never dream of clean and sober. My daughter has F-bombed me non-stop in screaming fits to get money and during those rants I know she's about to or is withdrawing and needs a fix NOW.
She's homeless but couch surfs wherever she can. This last time was disguised in a request for "rent". During a real cold snap here in Seattle, too.
"I HAVE NOWHERE ELSE TO GO AND WILL BE OUT IN THIS FREEZING WEATHER!" Fear.
"BUT I'M YOUR CHILD!!!" Obligation.
"YOU HAVE MONEY AND A HOUSE...I HAVE NOTHING!" Guilt
FOG was definitely used on me. I said no. She swear a blue streak and hung up. She's still staying at that house...hmmm.
I think ignoring these emails is the best thing. Helps no one to engage. I WISH my daughter would email instead of phoning...as I (INSERT MY GUILT HERE) still feel the obligation to answer her calls. Slow learner...but I'm trying!
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Thanks, YouWillBe, she does indeed know my weaknesses.....I was just discussing her use of profanity to me to my husband....I do not deserve to be disrespected in this way....I have done SOOOOOOO much for her....financially, emotionally, etc.....to the point of detriment to our other (grown) children, who are doing FINE, BTW....This AD has been motel-hopping for months....suddenly has rent to pay???? hmmmmmm.....I get the guilt part...still feel the obligation to respond....somehow thinking that I want to set the record straight.....
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somehow thinking that I want to set the record straight.....
Engaging with an addict in manipulation mode, does that make us a.......victim?.......or volunteer? The first time someone said that to me I wanted to slap them silly. But as Gloria Steinem said "The truth will set you free.......but first........it's going to pi$$ you off." I can now recognize that any time I step foot on the dance floor with my dear son.....I'm a willing participant. I can't blame him for something I control......my actions/reactions. I can choose not to engage anytime I want to.
Sometimes changing our perspective helps. I know that my son doesn't really have problems.......he just has solutions he doesn't like. And the same goes for me.
gentle hugs
ke
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Originally Posted by trudgingagain 
I have done SOOOOOOO much for her....financially, emotionally, etc.
I'm certainly not judging your parenting but tuff love works even better then the constant giving and giving.........because to an addict nohting is ever going to be enough and to someone who's practically gotten everything they have asked for, using the NO word really shakes their world...takes some time getting use to saying it and hearing it for the both of you.
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KE...your words are so poignant....and right on....Indeed...victim or volunteer...I have read that over and over....guess it just needs to sink in. And....you are right. I am trying to "win"....thank you for that. She does indeed twist the words and I guess her perception is her reality. As the day wears on, I am really getting pi$$ed, as well...lol...now I am to the "how dare she!" stage. I am, as I write this, realize that I am spending waaaaayyyy too much time and energy on this today.....ugh! Alatose...I agree with you also. She does "expect" it. I have always done it. I am a true behaviorist at heart, and in looking at it "objectively", her manipulations have always been "rewarded"...just like the "Skinner rats" in a maze.....
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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You are exactly right that rewarding her behavior will get you more of the behavior that you reward. In this case, responding is the reward. By responding, you let her know that she has your attention.
Now work on your response to her attempt to extract money from you. The mental energy that you are devoting to her today is useful since it led to your realization that you are spending too much time and energy on it. Maybe work on letting the cycle of emotions wash through you faster. Recognize them as old habits. Watch them play out without immersing in them. Or find a way to interrupt the cycle before it takes hold. Let go and let God is one meme that can facilitate that. There may be others that work better for you in this situation.
When I was younger I had a habit of beating myself up that started with, "I'm not good enough". I call it the fast train to hell because it ends in a very bad place. I taught myself to interrupt it by thinking, "That's not true". I took inventory of all of the things that I do very well. After a while, I was able to look at mistakes as learning opportunities and not as character defects.
She will give you more opportunities to learn not to respond to her bad behavior. Eventually, she will modify her behavior and you can begin to respond to the actions that you want to see more of. Keep in mind, as I do, that sometimes no is a loving answer.
Now work on your response to her attempt to extract money from you. The mental energy that you are devoting to her today is useful since it led to your realization that you are spending too much time and energy on it. Maybe work on letting the cycle of emotions wash through you faster. Recognize them as old habits. Watch them play out without immersing in them. Or find a way to interrupt the cycle before it takes hold. Let go and let God is one meme that can facilitate that. There may be others that work better for you in this situation.
When I was younger I had a habit of beating myself up that started with, "I'm not good enough". I call it the fast train to hell because it ends in a very bad place. I taught myself to interrupt it by thinking, "That's not true". I took inventory of all of the things that I do very well. After a while, I was able to look at mistakes as learning opportunities and not as character defects.
She will give you more opportunities to learn not to respond to her bad behavior. Eventually, she will modify her behavior and you can begin to respond to the actions that you want to see more of. Keep in mind, as I do, that sometimes no is a loving answer.
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Thanks, Stucco...actually, I do know about reinforcing positive behaviors...and yes, my attention/reaction to her e-mail would be her reward....My husband is SO DONE with this/her and cannot understand why I cannot just delete the e-mail and move ON! Sounds like some cognitive behavioral therapy....
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And what part did you play in having her car impounded?
None?
NONE?!
So do nothing! Not your problem!!! I'm not sure how old she is but if she's old enough to have a car, she's old enough to know better. She wants, wants, wants! Well, I want too and as her mother, so do you!
None?
NONE?!
So do nothing! Not your problem!!! I'm not sure how old she is but if she's old enough to have a car, she's old enough to know better. She wants, wants, wants! Well, I want too and as her mother, so do you!
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Hahaha! You are so RIGHT Box! I was not even in that country....lol...I live in Costa Rica 
She is 25...I think I have paid more in payments than she has....always paying months that she has not paid...at first, it was because she was working, had rent, etc. Then, when she lost all of that, it was out of fear....that she might need to sleep in it. Now, the car is impounded as a result of HER choices (not to pay registration, tickets, driving on suspended license, etc.) I guess it is hard for me to think that she only owes $2000. on the car and it will be paid off....but then what? So what...right? Gotta get off of this crazy train....
She is 25...I think I have paid more in payments than she has....always paying months that she has not paid...at first, it was because she was working, had rent, etc. Then, when she lost all of that, it was out of fear....that she might need to sleep in it. Now, the car is impounded as a result of HER choices (not to pay registration, tickets, driving on suspended license, etc.) I guess it is hard for me to think that she only owes $2000. on the car and it will be paid off....but then what? So what...right? Gotta get off of this crazy train....
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Trudging I am so sorry this was thrown at you, on Christmas Eve no less. No response is your best option. I am glad to see you are taking care of you and realize what this is, manipulation. Big hugs to you. Sometimes the right thing is the hardest. You are not enabling and that is the right thing. Hope you can do something nice for yourself! You sure deserve it.
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