Serotonin

I've been drinking almost daily since I was 17. I'm 34 now, so that's half my life. I managed to quit cold turkey with surprisingly little physical withdrawl in December of 2009 for a 4 months after my ex left me. During those four months my body went through a rapid weight loss. I went from a bloated 185 down to 145 during that time. I was feeling good about myself, but like an addict I jumped right into a few relationships and fell off. Since then I have only managed to stay sober for a few days or weeks at a time. I had 18 days sober this past July, but fell off again. Since then I have made a few attempts at sobriety but they only lasted a few days. I get intense panic attacks and hot flashes in the days I dont drink. After a few days I feel better physically but I can't slow my mind down. I wake up in a puddle of sweat and have intense nightmares.

What brought me here today was my desire to be healthy, happy, and sober. I have a 15 month old son now. His mother does not drink or use any drugs, although she did before she got pregnant. She is 9 years younger than me and is bipolar with rapid cycling, high functioning aspergers syndrome, and a compulsive liar. We are currently seperated because we have recognized our relationship is as dysfunctional as we are. We are trying to do what is right for our son. She is currently living with family friends who are sober people and have really helped us out with our child. He is an amazing little boy, and is very loved. I recently found out that his mother has cancer. We don't know exactly how bad it is yet, but the doctors have told us they have caught it early. She is a good mother, but we are both dysfunctional people trying to raise a child.

My son need his father to be sober. My father was a physically and mentally abusive man. My mother has been severely depressed and is a passive agressive person to the point my 3 older siblings barely talk to her. I have been reaching out to people I know to try and find some sober people to associate with, but to no avail. I spend much of my away from my son drinking alone and feeling sorrymfor myself... It's pathetic.

I could try to place blame on my father, my family, my ex, my sons mom, but I am the only one responsible for my choices. I don't have to make that trip to the liquor store, but it's my immediate response to stress.

Today is a new day. I want to be sober and live a happy life, and be a good father to my son. I want to be able to get along as well as I can with his mother. I'm worried about her cancer. Today I have to just focus on not drinking. I always seem to sabotage my sobriety by thinking too far ahead.

Seabee

Its hard and this is my first day too. I am going to go to an AA meeting tonight. I fell back into it again and they way I look at it, is a matter of life or death. I either have to stop drinking and have a life, of keep drinking and have a life that isn't worth living. Good luck. I am here is you want to talk.

Serotonin

Thanks for your support. I am currently having a major panic episode. My body gets hot and then freezing, my mind gets foggy and I feel like I'm dreaming for a minute. The past few times I have stopped I have had worse withdrawal symptoms. I'm scared. If this keeps up or gets worse I might go to the ER. My mind is all over the place. Last time I went a few days sober I started having auditory hallucinations after the physical withdrawal started subsidizing. This was just 8 days ago.

firstymer

Welcome to you both. In my first days of recovery I spent a lot of time here at SR. The people here really understand what you are going through. The support and helpful advice that I have received here have helped me remain sober for longer than I have ever been sober in my adult life. Good luck to you both. I am glad you are here with us.

Seabee

Yeah, I am having stupid anxiety too. My wife and kids left yesterday and I sat around in a fog all day. Then got the wise idea to go to the store and buy liquor. Then after I got all buzzed up, I went to a bar and stayed out all night. I woke up on my livingroom floor this morning.

All I can think about are all the bad things I have done.

Thepatman

It's never too late. I have a son so I can relate. He was 2 and half when his mom left me because of my drinking. I have shared custody and always controlled my intake when he was with me. (Sometimes failed) When he would leave I would get hammered all week nights.

Suffice to say that he is now 7, and I'm sober for 15 days now and going strong. You guys can do that too if you put your mind to it.

I heard withdrawal symptoms, please take them seriously, your life is worth more than a doctor visit.

Be well friends and good luck

KateL

See a doctor if you are hearing stuff. It happened to me too. You have made a good decision today

Inca

Welcome to the start of a new journey. It's tough to find alternative ways to deal with stress besides drinking, especially since the natural response is to reach for a drink.

What do you plan to do differently this time? Do you have a sponsor that can help with some tools to handle stress?

Serotonin

I have been fortunate that my living situation has improved recently. I'm now living in a decent apartment without too many factors around that act as triggers. I will start AA again. I still have yet to hear from any people that I've known through the years that live sober, and haven't written me off yet that I know of. I'm thinking about my work. I have an instrument repair business that I would like to work on improving. Tonight I am staying with the family where my childs mom lives. It's not even 8 am and I'm ready for bed and laying here with my tablet. I am feeling more intune with what is happening in my body already and I can feel the night sweats getting ready. Tomorrow I have the house to myself, which has a nice gym and entertainment system. This time around I will make my goals short term, as to not get too caught up in the things I can't control. That has always been a huge trigger for me. I was able to eat a few healthy meals today and take some vitamins. I'm still rather dehydrated though. Instead of isolating I'm actually working on trying to build a support system. One hour, or day at a time right now.

deeker

Stop by the 24 Hour club sign up sheet, we commit to staying clean and sober for 24 hours. A roster is posted nightly at 10 pm EST USA.

MythOfSisyphus

If you have physical issues don't mess around, get to the ER! You're no good to yourself or your son if you don't take care of yourself.

I commend you on realizing you have to get sober. It's a profound thing to see the chain of misery that got you to this point and realize you must break the cycle, not just for yourself but for your son.

EndGameNYC

Therapy is not a panacea, but it sure seems that both of you can use it. Both together and separately. Seriously.

There are places that offer a sliding scale based on your salary if you don't have insurance.

You gave your wife's diagnoses, but didn't say whether or not she (or you) is already in therapy. Given what you're both struggling with, I strongly recommend that you both pursue the help you so clearly need.

Serotonin

My child's mother is in therapy which is covered by the state because we have a child. I would love therapy but dont know how to go about finding something I can afford even with a sliding scale, no I don't have insurence. Besides alcoholism I also have OCD and anxiety, both diagnosed when I was a teen. Although now that I think about it a few places, come to mind that might offer something I can afford. The money I save on beer may add up to enough to get me in the doors. Certainly a better way to spend my cash. There is a wonderful clinic in my county that charges on a sliding scale for doctor visits. My last visit was under $20. Perhapse they could point me in the right direction if I can't find advice from a local AA member.

Happy to say I slept rather well lastnight. I did wake up sweating a few times, but was able to put some solid chunks of sleep together. I did have vivid dreams as well. I feel OK about facing today and not drinking today. If I'm up to it I think I'll do some cooking today and maybe some exercise. Well see. I don't want to get too manic.

I WILL NOT DRINK TODAY.

Thank you all for caring and for support.

EndGameNYC

Very happy that you're open to getting help. OCD is a serious, often crippling, condition that can be managed with a combination of therapy and medication. Without it, you're fighting a battle with one hand tied behind your back.

If your medical clinic cannot help you, use Google to find clinics in your area. They'll sometimes give you a break, based on your salary and your situation in general.

If that fails, there are also research programs that offer medication and treatment free of charge that will help you continue in treatment when your part of the study ends. Some will even pay you to participate.

Be resourceful. Get active in your recovery. You'll be amazed at how empowering just taking these steps can be.

Serotonin

I am medicated for my OCD, but alcohol doesn't really allow the meds to work. When I spent 4 months sober a few years ago my OCD started to become more manageable after initially being right in my face. At least this time I am aware that I have to let some time pass before I can expect things to improve. My withdrawls at this point don't seem as bad as I would expect them to be, yet I am still only 40 hours since my last drink. I'm drinking water like no tomorrow. I've had 1 panic attack thus far today, compared to 13 I had before I fell asleep lastnight. I'm feeling pretty good, pretty restless and hot flashes though. No desire to drinkmat the moment. I won't get ahead of myself.

I was planning on staying by myself today, but I think I'm better off getting out around some people today to keep me out of my own head too much.

Thanks all.

Serotonin

Feeling mentally exhausted after going out to a christmas party. Early bed tonight. Tomorrow will be day 3.

HenryKrinkle

You're doing great Serotonin! Keep it up!

Diva76

I really appreciate the honesty in your posts...
Yes, half your life is a long time, but you can choose
to look at it this way...
Thank goodness you're only 34...
If you get the help you need now, you 'll get to live
more than half of the rest of your life
sober....

I sincerely wish you the best...


Linda

JWC

Serotonin, you and I have really similar situations. I have a 10 month old son (whom is 1,000 miles away and I haven't met yet ) and I know I have to be sober if I ever want to be in his life. I'm 33 and my ex is 8 years younger and a pathological liar and expert manipulator. So I can somewhat understand what you're going through. Glad we're both here.

Serotonin

I'm glad you appreciate the honesty Linda. I feel like if I'm really going to do this I have to be honest with everyone and myself. I've lied to myself and made excuses for my drinking and drug use for far too long. I'm not even craving alcohol yet, but I've been at this point before and I'm really trying to be prepared to face the itch. Right now I'm starting to get a flood of emotions and I am drained mentally and physically. Despite feeling drained and emotional, I do feel better. I'm committing to another 24 hours. Thanks.