EmmyG

So, last night AH and I actually had an adult conversation. He agreed that his treatment of me is completely wrong and that we can't go on in this situation. He said he wants to do AA, and I said "that's great, but I pretty much take anything you say with a grain of salt at this point." He understood. He said he can't raise his boys in a negative environment because as a child, all he and his siblings wished for was that their parents would divorce and they could get some peace, and he refuses to put our kids through that. I feel the same way, and we both agreed we have to make a drastic change.

We've decided to separate for a year. We're going to have Christmas as a family and then give notice on our place on Friday. He thinks he needs to go on a "journey" and deal with his issues. I think it would take a year to see if he is serious about making changes and becoming a better person. We have too much history for either of us to make any progress together. I don't necessarily see us getting back together. I just think "divorce" is a little overwhelming for me right now, but separating would be the best for everyone. I want a positive, light environment for the kids. I'm already looking for apartments around here, so I can stay in this school district. I'll stay at my job. The boys love their schools and my job is a great source of self-confidence and support for me. I have a couple of friends here, but I can definitely make more. I am actually excited about living on my own. I haven't lived without him for 7 years, so I know there will be low times, but I feel SO sure about this being the right thing.

My question is, what do we tell the kids? I know they're going to ask about their dad, where he is at night. I hope for the best, that he means what he says about being a good dad and being around. He will be, if he doesn't drink. If he does, he'll binge sometimes and disappear for a week or two. I know it's 50/50 that he'll change. He may stay the same, he may get worse. I just want to make them feel secure. They are 5 (almost 6) and 2. The five-year-old is obviously going to need more of an explanation.

dandylion

Emmyg--I think you have come a long way in a relatively short time. I just wanted you to hear that!

dandylion

EmmyG

Thank you!! I feel pretty good. I cried a little last night when I ran out to the grocery store, but I pulled myself together. I used to be so worried about him, that the thought of separating was too scary. I felt so responsible for him. I don't now, and I realize that I'm actually making things worse by being his mommy. We need to be apart. Thank goodness I went back to work, because I was recently able to lease a safe, decent car. I can afford rent on my own, and the boys are in a good school. So, I feel like it's a win/win, because if he fails, I just stay on the path I'm on. If he doesn't I'll be pleasantly surprised.

lillamy

Em -- I'm happy for you. This sounds like a very sane move.

As for what to tell the children -- well, I think if your AH can be sober, I would like for him to have that conversation with them, with you present. Let him explain to them about his drinking problem and that he needs to figure that out and "get better" and while he's doing that, he will be living separate from you because you need calm and peace and quiet?

I would want to make sure they get the truth though -- not "Dad is going to work strange hours so he'll be getting an apartment so he doesn't wake us up" or some such.