Booo

Sorry for yet a other long winded question.

Has your A ever been so wretched You wanted to tell them to have a drink? I DIDNT, but how sullen has he been today. Sullen enough that two people asked if he was mad at them.
Very out of character for him. Very.

We took a pal out to Christmas dinner last night, I didn't drink, AH didn't drink, (much to his chagrin I think, no one seemed to care)

but pal we took out had five beers and two glasses of wine or visa Versa.

We wanted it to be a nice surprise and let him know at the end of dinner we were picking up the tab.

That extra money for booze didn't make me very happy, however I thought at the moment that seeing this guy get progressively sloppier as the night went on , might somehow let my A see the light. That's not how I went into the night as of course I had no idea this guy drank this much. (My life seems to be closing in on me)
I can't say he was awful, but his tone went up and his thoughts were scattered.

but after dinner AH did not say a word to me. Just huffed and sighed his way through the rest of the night.

I was practicing my detach mantra, and he went to bed with many things left to me.

I have not gone into my physical issues but it was quite hurtful mentally and physically to leave them all for me.

Since he is white knuckling this, without a doubt, how much leeway do I give him to be grumpy?

We are not home for at least 10 more days. No alanon and no AA here that I can find (for me). I asked about alanon and was told there was not even AA.

Hammer

mmmmm . . . . yes.

Never have even hinted towards anything like that . . . but yes.

After Rehab took the addictions away, we were only left with untreated crazy.

The addictions were easier to live with than the crazy.

------------------------

As for the of what you dealing with -- maybe a Count Down Calendar. Maybe like an Advent Countdown . . . or the 12 days of (Alcoholic) Christmas Song here on the forum.

Booo

It's nice to not be alone hammer thanks. He came around to his old self this morning, maybe it's just a mood or withdrawal. I didn't ask because what's the use? It's his, I get to live with it,

hopeful4

Definitely. I too have never but have wanted to in the past. It's like a child where you want them to stop with their little fit. It's stupid.

You are not alone!

Hawkeye13

Hi Booo;
I'm sorry you are putting up with all this during the holiday.

It seems as though he knows he overstepped a significant boundry for you when he
violated his own "beer only" limit the other day and you caught him.

I'm sort of dealing with a similar issue. My husband is a great guy and l love him very much.

But the drinking is an increasing problem for me and I think it also creates its own limitations for him and his future--both health and in the world.

I've been reading your threads carefully because of this. I'm a recovering alcoholic myself, but also the main breadwinner and have been for years. Not all about him
by the way, we live in an economically backwards place for his skill set and I can't
move due to job. He also helped for many years with my caregiving of an alcoholic housebound smoking mother who was a nightmare, and he also does many many things
without which our rustic household could not function.

Yet he is depressed and the drinking is both an escape and a way of not really engaging
his issues and making changes in his life. He's watched me quit, and though his drinking
wasn't as bad as mine, he's still doing it and I'm still waiting for him to choose something
different.

I guess the question we both face is what if they don't do it?
You said you have a deadline. What do you really think you will do in response to all this?



I

Booo

Hawkeye I am pondering all of this and not lightly. I am sorry this response is so long and may go off course a bit.
The biggest issue (with me putting up with this so long)is that my time is overspent with work. I work much too hard and don't like it, but it's my own business so I can't see many options but sell it..and it's not worth much to anyone but me, as it's commission work (and I am the commissioner and shockingly successful at it) and give myself time to handle the day to day business of life. In reality I would need to tap into my retirement and this would honestly be the end of my career. I am sure I could work, but not in this field. That is a situation too personal and identifying to explain.

He cooks, he cleans he, in a other life must have been a soccer mom. He handles the most mundane of tasks plus the cooking and cleaning while I pay the bills,

Most couples however, both find time to work, and handle the mundane too, so his excuse has been that he has been too busy to do more work because of *this* or *that* . for a long while it was very NICE to be taken care of (in every way but financially) but we never made a Decision to live like this, this is just how it progressed. And in all honesty the errands alone are something I would PAY someone to do.

I never signed on to be his keeper. He got lazy with his own commission work, bringing in JUST enough to cover his booze and a few "toys", maybe groceries now and again.

I have not received any household money in years. This is a conversation we have had for years, and in October/November? we came up with the deadline. It's also when he had his tearful drinking episode. Not his first, there have been a few over the years, but this was his second very very big one.

So the decision was pay your share and stop drinking by the end of January.

He beat the financial deadline by coming up with half his share, just before we went on the holiday. He can always seem work for money for the holidays, he always has that cash. This time i just was astounded that he put that money in my hand. (Even though it will all be spent here on holiday)

I just don't want to talk to him about it while we are here I am having a quite wonderful peaceful time. He is not. He's doing the mundane again and God bless him for that.

Now while I am working on my stuff here on vacation and here on sr and the books I am reading, I want to throw in that he is an extremely logical man, he is probably "smarter" than most therapists and after childhood trauma saw quite a few, who could do nothing to help him for a few reasons. Even so young he thought himself smarter than therapists and every test know to man shows it's probably true,
A child in therapy back in those days was cause for enormous ridicule at school, so he has less than fond memories.
If he could outsmart therapists, I know for a fact he thinks he can logically outsmart alcohol.
He cannot separate AA from god (and he is an atheist) . I understand now of course, this is all textbook A behavior.

Last night on the boards I saw someone had given Her AH a book called Under the Influence. I started reading samples online and see how it logically explains how the alcoholics physiology is different, why they cannot drink. It is fascinating to me and it makes so much SENSE I wonder if I should get it for him.
Or is that jumping the fence for a run at his side of the street?

I honestly don't want to lose him by him leaving or by his slow suicide by bottle, but I think in January if he is not in some sort of program (it can be a program of his choice) I think he will leave under the guise of visiting family. He may go visit and stay with an elderly aunt who has asked repeatedly for his help. She is 1000 miles away for us.

He has not told his family and I don't know if I should. One of his siblings is always asking why we don't do this, or we don't do that and I honestly want to say "because your brother is an alcoholic, that why," but I never have. Everyone else sees him with a few beers in him when he is FINE, they do not see the aftermath and where he is physically and mentally a month later after the spiral.

So I do think the end of January he will leave. Otherwise I am just throwing words about, again.
I fear him leaving
I fear him leaving and never coming back
I fear him leaving and then coming back.
I fear the change that any change will bring, but I am facing my fear anyway and doing my best to stay over "here"
Did I at all answer your question?