My dad died on Friday 12/20 from alcoholism
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: San Diego
Posts: 2
My dad died on Friday 12/20 from alcoholism
That title is so hard for me to type. It just seems so unreal at this time. My dad was the sweetest, kindest, funnyest man I have ever known. He was also one of the saddest and most resentful and took life onto his heart and it crushed him many times over. He was a giver, a Physical Therapist for 44 years and he loved his job. Through out life as he lost eveything one by one, his job was the only thing that I think kept him as sain as he could be. He leaves behind 3 adult children, 6 grand children ranging from 8 to 14 yrs. He also leaves behind 2 children from his last marriage ages 9 and 10. This is the saddest part becasue his ex wife decided to cut off contact with my father when he went into the hospital on Oct. 1st becasue he could not make his Oct. child support payment. My dad worked all the way up to the day before he went into the hospital and, more or less, never left.
My dad was diagnosed with alchoholic hepatitis at the beginning. He lived in L.A. and came to San Diego to look at an apartment I had picked out for him to move closer to us. When I saw him was was visibly very ill. He pretended that everything was fine but I knew it was not. 30 minutes after we met, he told me he needed to go to the hospital, which I had already planned to take him. I had to call the paramedics instead. From that day he went back to the emergency room for times in 2 months. The 4th time he was admitted to the ICU for breathing issues due to possible pneumonia. He never left. He suffered from multiple organ falure caused by liver failure. He was intubated soon after and put undersedation. Soon his kidneys failed and he was put on 8 hours of dialysis daily. One day they turned off the sedation meds and he did not respond. They tried liver dialysis that they only do in San Diego, to hopefully wake him up to no avail. Then we were told by the neurologist that 90-95% he would never wake up again. We would visit him daily and do and say anythig to get him to wake but nothing worked. We were then told they had don everything they could and we as a family neede to make a decision weather to keep him alive or let him go. He was being kept alive by O2 and BP meds just to keep his heart rate up. It was the hardest decision ever but my brothers and i and our spouses had to let him go. We stood around his bed and told stoires about our dad. We laughed and cried and held his hands. They turned off the machines and my dad took his last breaths in less than 10 mins. It was peacefull and we had that kind of closure.
Now I sit here and I am still in such disbelief that I lost my best friend. My dad and I were so close and I took on the roll of taking care of him my whole life, or tried to at least. I thought I was only showing my dad an apartment one day, not saying goodbye 8 days after his birthday and 5 days before Christams. I have so many questions for him. Like did he know he was sick? If so why didnt he tell us? Why didnt he ask for help? Di he know he was going to die while he was in the hospital? If so why didnt he talk about it with me? I did not expect him to die and I dont think he expected to die. I am so sad about that.
Now we are left with questions and battling his ex wife for visitation to the kids. My dad had almost 50% custody before he died and he was a very active father. Although he was not able to be mentally whole for these children, they were all he was living for. He worked to pay child support and to make happy memories with them. All while being taken to court over and over again by his ex who just wanted money from him. While my dad was in the hospital we hired an attourney when she cut off contact. She was ordered to make calls 3 days a week to him for the kids and never followed through. She then did not allow me or my brothers to speak to the children any more and update them on their fathers condition. As of now she nor the children are aware that he has passed away. She is a terrible mother and person and wished my father dead. I am so worried and broken hearted for those kids.
I am devistated and at times feel alone and as if im the only person going through this. Although I know that is not true, I am still living in my own hell. My dad is still in the hospital morgue and I miss him so much. I wonder what could have been done to prevent this and where is he now? Is he with me? Can he hear me? Is he at peace? What would he say to us now? I love my dad so much and miss him terribly.
My dad was diagnosed with alchoholic hepatitis at the beginning. He lived in L.A. and came to San Diego to look at an apartment I had picked out for him to move closer to us. When I saw him was was visibly very ill. He pretended that everything was fine but I knew it was not. 30 minutes after we met, he told me he needed to go to the hospital, which I had already planned to take him. I had to call the paramedics instead. From that day he went back to the emergency room for times in 2 months. The 4th time he was admitted to the ICU for breathing issues due to possible pneumonia. He never left. He suffered from multiple organ falure caused by liver failure. He was intubated soon after and put undersedation. Soon his kidneys failed and he was put on 8 hours of dialysis daily. One day they turned off the sedation meds and he did not respond. They tried liver dialysis that they only do in San Diego, to hopefully wake him up to no avail. Then we were told by the neurologist that 90-95% he would never wake up again. We would visit him daily and do and say anythig to get him to wake but nothing worked. We were then told they had don everything they could and we as a family neede to make a decision weather to keep him alive or let him go. He was being kept alive by O2 and BP meds just to keep his heart rate up. It was the hardest decision ever but my brothers and i and our spouses had to let him go. We stood around his bed and told stoires about our dad. We laughed and cried and held his hands. They turned off the machines and my dad took his last breaths in less than 10 mins. It was peacefull and we had that kind of closure.
Now I sit here and I am still in such disbelief that I lost my best friend. My dad and I were so close and I took on the roll of taking care of him my whole life, or tried to at least. I thought I was only showing my dad an apartment one day, not saying goodbye 8 days after his birthday and 5 days before Christams. I have so many questions for him. Like did he know he was sick? If so why didnt he tell us? Why didnt he ask for help? Di he know he was going to die while he was in the hospital? If so why didnt he talk about it with me? I did not expect him to die and I dont think he expected to die. I am so sad about that.
Now we are left with questions and battling his ex wife for visitation to the kids. My dad had almost 50% custody before he died and he was a very active father. Although he was not able to be mentally whole for these children, they were all he was living for. He worked to pay child support and to make happy memories with them. All while being taken to court over and over again by his ex who just wanted money from him. While my dad was in the hospital we hired an attourney when she cut off contact. She was ordered to make calls 3 days a week to him for the kids and never followed through. She then did not allow me or my brothers to speak to the children any more and update them on their fathers condition. As of now she nor the children are aware that he has passed away. She is a terrible mother and person and wished my father dead. I am so worried and broken hearted for those kids.
I am devistated and at times feel alone and as if im the only person going through this. Although I know that is not true, I am still living in my own hell. My dad is still in the hospital morgue and I miss him so much. I wonder what could have been done to prevent this and where is he now? Is he with me? Can he hear me? Is he at peace? What would he say to us now? I love my dad so much and miss him terribly.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
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Hello Sheri, I am glad you found us and decided to post.
I am so sorry you are going thru so much pain. I cannot even imaging how difficult this must be for you. I have lost family members to alcoholism. My father, my uncle and my aunt all died in a three week period, much the way you described. Alcoholism has to be most horrid thing in the world.
If you spend a little time reading through the posts here you will see that we all ask ourselves that question. Every single one of us. In time you will find the answer that is true for you. You will see that everybody here finds an answer, but each answer is different for each person.
If I may be so bold as to make a suggestion? Look after your own pain first. The answers to your question will all be answered in time, but not right away. They are very difficult and painful questions and the answers won't come while your emotional wounds are so fresh.
All of us in this forum have felt that loss you have expressed. The details of our history are different, but the pain we have experienced is much the same.
Welcome to our group. I am sorry you had to find us, but I am glad you did. Please write all you want, "dump" whatever you want. We will read every last word you write and share with you our experience in dealing with the same pain. You are not alone.
Mike
I am so sorry you are going thru so much pain. I cannot even imaging how difficult this must be for you. I have lost family members to alcoholism. My father, my uncle and my aunt all died in a three week period, much the way you described. Alcoholism has to be most horrid thing in the world.
Originally Posted by sherimaddison 
... I wonder what could have been done to prevent this ...
If I may be so bold as to make a suggestion? Look after your own pain first. The answers to your question will all be answered in time, but not right away. They are very difficult and painful questions and the answers won't come while your emotional wounds are so fresh.
All of us in this forum have felt that loss you have expressed. The details of our history are different, but the pain we have experienced is much the same.
Welcome to our group. I am sorry you had to find us, but I am glad you did. Please write all you want, "dump" whatever you want. We will read every last word you write and share with you our experience in dealing with the same pain. You are not alone.
Mike
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: San Diego
Posts: 2
Thank you
Thank you so much for the supportive posts. Sometimes I feel so alone but then when i hear people tell me they have gone through the same or similar situations it snaps me out of that feeling and i think "how did they get through it?". I guess time is all i have for healing and like you said i will find answers at my own time. Thank you again.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 47
My father sounds like your father and we basically went through the same thing at the hospital. It hurt really bad and I like you had so many questions for him, but my biggest question of all was "why"?
Dad was not a talker. He would drink from sun up to sun down, stay drunk for days and he lost his job at the steel mill because he stayed drunk so much, the floor supervisor could not trust him to run the machinery for fear that he might still be drunk even after getting 8 hours of sleep. They finally let him go. He did not really tell us how bad his liver had gotten either until it was too late and there was nothing we could do. My sisters and I made the decision along with my mom to cut off the machine. I thought I would break into a million pieces even though he made our lives a living nightmare, i was still so very sad. I know its not much, but I will pray for peace for you as my friends did for me.
Dad was not a talker. He would drink from sun up to sun down, stay drunk for days and he lost his job at the steel mill because he stayed drunk so much, the floor supervisor could not trust him to run the machinery for fear that he might still be drunk even after getting 8 hours of sleep. They finally let him go. He did not really tell us how bad his liver had gotten either until it was too late and there was nothing we could do. My sisters and I made the decision along with my mom to cut off the machine. I thought I would break into a million pieces even though he made our lives a living nightmare, i was still so very sad. I know its not much, but I will pray for peace for you as my friends did for me.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 168
I'm really sorry for your loss.
Sadly, there wasn't anything you really could do, except just be there. The decision for him to drink wasn't yours. I've struggled with this concept myself. I grew up wondering what could I have done so that my father wouldn't drink half the week away? My only 'miracle' was when he became diabetic and had to slow down. He was a productive alcoholic; he was able to go to work full-time and still be a part-time alcoholic (full-time on weekends).
I'm not one much for religion, but I'm sending positive thoughts your way. <3
Sadly, there wasn't anything you really could do, except just be there. The decision for him to drink wasn't yours. I've struggled with this concept myself. I grew up wondering what could I have done so that my father wouldn't drink half the week away? My only 'miracle' was when he became diabetic and had to slow down. He was a productive alcoholic; he was able to go to work full-time and still be a part-time alcoholic (full-time on weekends).
I'm not one much for religion, but I'm sending positive thoughts your way. <3
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 1,443
I can so relate....we had to "pull the plug" on my mom, years ago, on the day after xmas...she had been in the hospital for a few days, on a breathing machine. Jaundiced and organ failure from alcoholism...nothing anyone could do. We found medical records from 1991 stating that she was a "chronic alcoholic"...but, of course we knew that. We had tried everything...each time she was hospitalized....cleaning out the house (of bottles/alcohol, etc.), hiring a nurse to say with her, a housekeeper to keep up the house for her, etc. etc. etc. She got rid of everyone...would drink from when she woke up until apparently she passed out....horrible, ugly, illness and death....wishing you peace during this difficult time...
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
I am so sorry for your loss and you are not the only one.
Both of my parents died of alcoholism.
I have found there are many questions and very few answers. My mother knew that alcohol was killing her but she continued to drink. My father was in total denial and didn't see alcohol as a problem.
The only real answer I've ever come up with is the desire to drink was stronger than the desire to live.
What does give me some peace is the Alanon line
you didn't cause it
you can't control it
you can't cure it
Both of my parents died of alcoholism.
I have found there are many questions and very few answers. My mother knew that alcohol was killing her but she continued to drink. My father was in total denial and didn't see alcohol as a problem.
The only real answer I've ever come up with is the desire to drink was stronger than the desire to live.
What does give me some peace is the Alanon line
you didn't cause it
you can't control it
you can't cure it
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Sheri - I'm so very sorry for your loss.
I'm a recovering addict and am/was living with my codependent dad and a stepmom (sm) who was a pill addict and codependent.
I saw her addiction getting worse, but dad wouldn't listen, she tried to keep it secret that she was dr. shopping, but I knew and warned she and dad she would get caught and go to jail. I also, repeatedly, told her "this shytt is going to kill you!!"
It did. I found her dead on our den floor on Nov. 7th. I tried CPR but it was too late.
I know she didn't do it on purpose but that doesn't help. I kept wondering if I'd just waken up earlier, could I have saved her? As my dear stepsister pointed out, maybe I could have gotten her back but she would probably have had brain damage. If not, and she came back to normal? She would go right back to the drugs.
It hurts, I went through all the questions of what I could have done different. Bottom line? Nothing. She was very protective of her addiction and had many enablers (her sisters also were major enablers).
I also had a lot of anger. It's a long story, but I've worked past that and now I'm just grieving as I go through her stuff.
It takes time, it took me quite a while when my mom died and she died of a heart condition.
Take all the time you need to grieve, read and post here - it really does help. I hope you also have some f2f support.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm a recovering addict and am/was living with my codependent dad and a stepmom (sm) who was a pill addict and codependent.
I saw her addiction getting worse, but dad wouldn't listen, she tried to keep it secret that she was dr. shopping, but I knew and warned she and dad she would get caught and go to jail. I also, repeatedly, told her "this shytt is going to kill you!!"
It did. I found her dead on our den floor on Nov. 7th. I tried CPR but it was too late.
I know she didn't do it on purpose but that doesn't help. I kept wondering if I'd just waken up earlier, could I have saved her? As my dear stepsister pointed out, maybe I could have gotten her back but she would probably have had brain damage. If not, and she came back to normal? She would go right back to the drugs.
It hurts, I went through all the questions of what I could have done different. Bottom line? Nothing. She was very protective of her addiction and had many enablers (her sisters also were major enablers).
I also had a lot of anger. It's a long story, but I've worked past that and now I'm just grieving as I go through her stuff.
It takes time, it took me quite a while when my mom died and she died of a heart condition.
Take all the time you need to grieve, read and post here - it really does help. I hope you also have some f2f support.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Sheri, so sorry to hear of the pain you are going through.
Life somehow feels surreal when a parent passes away. It feels somehow more difficult around Christmas. Feels like the whole world is focused on happiness and family gatherings whilst your world suddenly has a void.
Although everyone's situation is different, I lost my Mother on Christmas Day a few years back from an alcohol-related illness. We were not close at the time, but I definitely went through the wishing and wondering of how she deserved a life that was so much better.
All I can say is the rawness of the pain will lessen Sheri, and you most certainly aren't alone.
Life somehow feels surreal when a parent passes away. It feels somehow more difficult around Christmas. Feels like the whole world is focused on happiness and family gatherings whilst your world suddenly has a void.
Although everyone's situation is different, I lost my Mother on Christmas Day a few years back from an alcohol-related illness. We were not close at the time, but I definitely went through the wishing and wondering of how she deserved a life that was so much better.
All I can say is the rawness of the pain will lessen Sheri, and you most certainly aren't alone.
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