Concerns about a functioning alcoholic boyfriend
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Concerns about a functioning alcoholic boyfriend
Hey guys,
I really hope I am posting in the right place and hopefully can get some feedback about situation even if it is just understanding my dilemma.
I have been with my partner for almost 4 years now. I met him while working and we fell in love the minute we met - we worked together for 3 years, were friends for 5 before he even asked me out. Since then we've been together for 4 years. He is my best friend. He's asked me to marry him and I have even said yes. I am madly in love with him and I know that he would do anything in this world to make me happy, but he cannot quit drinking. He can lie about his consumption, but he can't seem to quit. The longest (I think) he has gone sober was 1 month while being with me. We have fought about it, we have discussed it, we've been to therapy, we've sat down with his family and his therapist knows his issues with drinking. He has even had a best friend who died of alcohol poisoning. And I have given him plenty ultimatums and even kicking him out for while before. He always quits, comes back and everything goes well for about a month and then its back to being the way he was with alcohol.
I knew his problem when we began dating - my thinking was always that he's a good guy, he doesn't hurt anyone especially not me. In fact, he's overprotective in adorable way. He doesn't do anything wrong so I'll let him drink because it something he enjoys. I always told him be honest with me and I'll do what I can to help you. If you have a problem, talk to me instead of hiding it from me. What matters to me is being honest with each other, but despite all of this he still lies to me about drinking. He used to drink a handle of Vodka every other night when we got together, now its more like a 6 pack every other day and perhaps 3 to 5 bottles of wine a week. He told me six months ago (after our last fight) that he had quit hard alcohol. I was foolish to believe him.
Honestly, I came from a culture where alcohol is not okay neither is dating, but I don't share those beliefs so I gave him a chance. I went out of my way to take care of him to several medical issues, I finally convinced my family to accept our relationship and now I find out that he's been lying to me for the past six months about quitting hard alcohol on top of beer and wine.
I know in my heart that staying with him irrational, but I don't want to leave him after all the trouble been through making this work. I've told him quitting isn't as necessary as honesty, but... it makes no difference. He even hides his problems from his therapist. I don't what to do. My heart sinks when I think that I have to live another day without him.
Do you think forcing him to think about AA is acceptable? I know that the change has to come from him, but enough is enough. I don't know what to do. I literally am not even sure what my question is to people reading this. I am just heart broken.
I really hope I am posting in the right place and hopefully can get some feedback about situation even if it is just understanding my dilemma.
I have been with my partner for almost 4 years now. I met him while working and we fell in love the minute we met - we worked together for 3 years, were friends for 5 before he even asked me out. Since then we've been together for 4 years. He is my best friend. He's asked me to marry him and I have even said yes. I am madly in love with him and I know that he would do anything in this world to make me happy, but he cannot quit drinking. He can lie about his consumption, but he can't seem to quit. The longest (I think) he has gone sober was 1 month while being with me. We have fought about it, we have discussed it, we've been to therapy, we've sat down with his family and his therapist knows his issues with drinking. He has even had a best friend who died of alcohol poisoning. And I have given him plenty ultimatums and even kicking him out for while before. He always quits, comes back and everything goes well for about a month and then its back to being the way he was with alcohol.
I knew his problem when we began dating - my thinking was always that he's a good guy, he doesn't hurt anyone especially not me. In fact, he's overprotective in adorable way. He doesn't do anything wrong so I'll let him drink because it something he enjoys. I always told him be honest with me and I'll do what I can to help you. If you have a problem, talk to me instead of hiding it from me. What matters to me is being honest with each other, but despite all of this he still lies to me about drinking. He used to drink a handle of Vodka every other night when we got together, now its more like a 6 pack every other day and perhaps 3 to 5 bottles of wine a week. He told me six months ago (after our last fight) that he had quit hard alcohol. I was foolish to believe him.
Honestly, I came from a culture where alcohol is not okay neither is dating, but I don't share those beliefs so I gave him a chance. I went out of my way to take care of him to several medical issues, I finally convinced my family to accept our relationship and now I find out that he's been lying to me for the past six months about quitting hard alcohol on top of beer and wine.
I know in my heart that staying with him irrational, but I don't want to leave him after all the trouble been through making this work. I've told him quitting isn't as necessary as honesty, but... it makes no difference. He even hides his problems from his therapist. I don't what to do. My heart sinks when I think that I have to live another day without him.
Do you think forcing him to think about AA is acceptable? I know that the change has to come from him, but enough is enough. I don't know what to do. I literally am not even sure what my question is to people reading this. I am just heart broken.
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Location: Winnetka, IL
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I wish forcing your partner to AA would work but from my experience with my ex, who was a high functioning alcoholic, it probably won't. I understand your heart break and pain. Lying and hiding is part of the disease. Maybe if you think about going to Al Anon meetings and start taking care of yourself differently in this relationship, he could be attracted to the AA program but that will take time and patience. There are no quick fixes here -he has to totally surrender to getting the help he needs and then there are the relapses. Just being honest here. Best wishes.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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You are exactly right, the change DOES have to come from him. Simply put, there is no way you are going to "force him to think about AA", any more than you can force anyone else to think about anything else. You control ONE person, and one person only--and that's you.
Alanon is a wonderful idea, as the previous poster mentioned. I'd strongly recommend it for you. It's good to have some real-world support in addition to the help you'll find here at SR.
I'd also recommend that you read as much here as you have time for, and make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. There's a lot of great info there. This thread is an example: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Glad you found your way to SR--as you read, learn and hopefully start to attend Alanon meetings, you'll see more clearly what you need to do and you'll find the strength to do it.
Alanon is a wonderful idea, as the previous poster mentioned. I'd strongly recommend it for you. It's good to have some real-world support in addition to the help you'll find here at SR.
I'd also recommend that you read as much here as you have time for, and make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. There's a lot of great info there. This thread is an example: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Glad you found your way to SR--as you read, learn and hopefully start to attend Alanon meetings, you'll see more clearly what you need to do and you'll find the strength to do it.
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Originally Posted by scout360 
I wish forcing your partner to AA would work but from my experience with my ex, who was a high functioning alcoholic, it probably won't. I understand your heart break and pain. Lying and hiding is part of the disease. Maybe if you think about going to Al Anon meetings and start taking care of yourself differently in this relationship, he could be attracted to the AA program but that will take time and patience. There are no quick fixes here -he has to totally surrender to getting the help he needs and then there are the relapses. Just being honest here. Best wishes.
I am definitely considering going to an Al Anon meeting, but I guess it just scares me because I work full time and go to school time, and even though I want to help my boyfriend and hopefully build a future with him... I am wondering whether it's going to be worth it in the end and whether I am going to destroy my own life in the process.
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hey, reading your post is like reading about my own life, nothing you have said differs to my situation at all, and i feel for my husband how you do for your partner, my husband sounds exactly the same as yours, his issues the same as your situation.
my husband wants so much to stop drinking for me and us -so much so that he has just done 9 months sober and i believed we had found our happy ending.... but tonight: tonight i am alone and he is asleep in the other bedroom, he is drunk, and crying, because he didnt want to do this, but this weekend he said he wanted to stop fighting the battle - it was wearing him out, so he got drunk whilst i was at work. He told me tonight through his tears and his pain, he wants to commit suicide, because he hates himself so much for what he is doing.
i know i should just get up, walk away, theres nothing more i can do here, i am becoming unhealthy and weak by his problem..... but yet, this is not the first time i have said this to myself, and it wont be the last. Very few people even know he is a drunk or what I/we are going through.
i share your heart break, really i do, but all i know is there is no easy answer.
my husband wants so much to stop drinking for me and us -so much so that he has just done 9 months sober and i believed we had found our happy ending.... but tonight: tonight i am alone and he is asleep in the other bedroom, he is drunk, and crying, because he didnt want to do this, but this weekend he said he wanted to stop fighting the battle - it was wearing him out, so he got drunk whilst i was at work. He told me tonight through his tears and his pain, he wants to commit suicide, because he hates himself so much for what he is doing.
i know i should just get up, walk away, theres nothing more i can do here, i am becoming unhealthy and weak by his problem..... but yet, this is not the first time i have said this to myself, and it wont be the last. Very few people even know he is a drunk or what I/we are going through.
i share your heart break, really i do, but all i know is there is no easy answer.
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I think there were definitely a lot I learned from the link you posted. I have in fact been financially supporting him - not his addiction, but his life. He's been through multiple surgeries for a span for 2.5 years... and still choose to drink through this while being on strong drugs like oxycodone. Now that he's on his feet and we're on budget that isn't supported by his family, he claims he won't have a choice about buying alcohol. I just don't know if I can trust that.
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Originally Posted by chocolate1092
I am definitely considering going to an Al Anon meeting, but I guess it just scares me because I work full time and go to school time, and even though I want to help my boyfriend and hopefully build a future with him... I am wondering whether it's going to be worth it in the end and whether I am going to destroy my own life in the process.
You are wise to weigh your own future against "hopes" of a future w/him. It's often said here to look at the reality of a situation, not the potential. You might find that advice helpful also--an awful lot of us here surely have!
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Dose of reality here. An alcoholic can NOT drink....period. It's not about avoiding "hard" liquor, or not drinking during the week, or only drinking at home, etc etc etc. None of that works. Quitting IS as necessary as honesty. This is a progressive disease, he will only get worse over time.
You can't help your boyfriend. You can't force someone into recovery. This is his path. His Higher Power has a plan for him, and it may take him losing everything to see that. You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it.
When you look at your future, what do you see? Do you see children, a home, parenting together? If you marry an A, it's likely your dreams will not be what you envision now. Read in the Children of Alcoholics forum to see what the future would hold for your kids. You don't want to leave because of all the trouble you've been through to make this work. Is it working???
You deserve the life you want. Yes, you've put a lot of time into this relationship. Take the lessons learned, and build the life you want. Find an Alanon meeting near you, and start working on you. Your life is where you have control. I'm sorry if any of this sounds harsh. When I read these kind of posts from a young single person who still has a chance....I feel passionate about reminding that person to really think carefully about their future. BIG (((hugs))) to you.
You can't help your boyfriend. You can't force someone into recovery. This is his path. His Higher Power has a plan for him, and it may take him losing everything to see that. You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it.
When you look at your future, what do you see? Do you see children, a home, parenting together? If you marry an A, it's likely your dreams will not be what you envision now. Read in the Children of Alcoholics forum to see what the future would hold for your kids. You don't want to leave because of all the trouble you've been through to make this work. Is it working???
You deserve the life you want. Yes, you've put a lot of time into this relationship. Take the lessons learned, and build the life you want. Find an Alanon meeting near you, and start working on you. Your life is where you have control. I'm sorry if any of this sounds harsh. When I read these kind of posts from a young single person who still has a chance....I feel passionate about reminding that person to really think carefully about their future. BIG (((hugs))) to you.
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Originally Posted by scacra1
hey, reading your post is like reading about my own life, nothing you have said differs to my situation at all, and i feel for my husband how you do for your partner, my husband sounds exactly the same as yours, his issues the same as your situation.
my husband wants so much to stop drinking for me and us -so much so that he has just done 9 months sober and i believed we had found our happy ending.... but tonight: tonight i am alone and he is asleep in the other bedroom, he is drunk, and crying, because he didnt want to do this, but this weekend he said he wanted to stop fighting the battle - it was wearing him out, so he got drunk whilst i was at work. He told me tonight through his tears and his pain, he wants to commit suicide, because he hates himself so much for what he is doing.
i know i should just get up, walk away, theres nothing more i can do here, i am becoming unhealthy and weak by his problem..... but yet, this is not the first time i have said this to myself, and it wont be the last. Very few people even know he is a drunk or what I/we are going through.
i share your heart break, really i do, but all i know is there is no easy answer.
my husband wants so much to stop drinking for me and us -so much so that he has just done 9 months sober and i believed we had found our happy ending.... but tonight: tonight i am alone and he is asleep in the other bedroom, he is drunk, and crying, because he didnt want to do this, but this weekend he said he wanted to stop fighting the battle - it was wearing him out, so he got drunk whilst i was at work. He told me tonight through his tears and his pain, he wants to commit suicide, because he hates himself so much for what he is doing.
i know i should just get up, walk away, theres nothing more i can do here, i am becoming unhealthy and weak by his problem..... but yet, this is not the first time i have said this to myself, and it wont be the last. Very few people even know he is a drunk or what I/we are going through.
i share your heart break, really i do, but all i know is there is no easy answer.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
Originally Posted by chocolate1092
Hey, I am really sorry to hear your situation. I am not glad that either of us has to go through this. And I do feel the same way you do. I don't think this will be the last time I considering leaving him. I've scheduled another appointment with our counselor. I will see how that goes, but I hope you keep your spirits up. We'll see where life takes us, I guess.
We shouldnt wait to see where life takes us, we should lead our life where we want to go, we should walk away and get ourselves the life we deserve, let them keep their problems to themselves. BUT how can i walk away from the man i love so dearly, and if i did would the pain of being without him be worse than the pain of being with him?? i dont know.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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There isn't a person posting on the family and friends forum that doesn't wish every day that they could love their alcoholic into a sober lifestyle. I'm sorry for your situation but until he acknowledges that he has a problem that is beyond his control and takes steps to change his current behavior there just isn't a lot you can do.
But please consider putting marriage on hold until you've at least until you've read numerous posts on here and think about attending al anon. Please, like I said Love can solve many problems in this world but alcoholism isn't one of them.
But please consider putting marriage on hold until you've at least until you've read numerous posts on here and think about attending al anon. Please, like I said Love can solve many problems in this world but alcoholism isn't one of them.
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Not only will forcing him not work, I personally don't think you can 'force' another adult to do anything. I know it has taken me many years to finally understand that.
I can relate to your situation in that I also fell MADLY (and I mean MADLY) in love with my adh. That mad, passionate love makes my decision making so much harder....
My therapist is helping me 'unlock' from this mad passionate love....to understand that the intensity of my love is actually part of my issues and what has contributed to me becoming co-dependent. She's helping me discover what this 'mad passionate love' is and where it came from, and we are working out whether that is MY addiction.
Not saying its the same for you of course, but your words resonated with me and I can sympathise....
I can relate to your situation in that I also fell MADLY (and I mean MADLY) in love with my adh. That mad, passionate love makes my decision making so much harder....
My therapist is helping me 'unlock' from this mad passionate love....to understand that the intensity of my love is actually part of my issues and what has contributed to me becoming co-dependent. She's helping me discover what this 'mad passionate love' is and where it came from, and we are working out whether that is MY addiction.
Not saying its the same for you of course, but your words resonated with me and I can sympathise....
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Concerns about a functioning alcoholic boyfriend
Functioning is a stage of alcoholism, not a type of alcoholic. It's a progressive disease. It will get worse. And he won't be the good, adorable man you are describing now.
Functioning is a stage of alcoholism, not a type of alcoholic. It's a progressive disease. It will get worse. And he won't be the good, adorable man you are describing now.
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