MsJojo

Hi
My AH is a binge drinker- has had some dry times in the past year and has been a functional daddy to my two girls but for the past 7 weeks has been drunk in a sad, sick way. Says he wants to stop but is struggling and becoming physically and mentally sicker by the day.
AH has always had anxiety issues and until 18 months ago had stopped drinking completely. However he fell of the wagon in april 2012 and I asked him to leave the house and take some time to recover ( I had said to him previously that although I could cope with his anxiety issues I was not prepared to deal with the way that drinking exacerbated these and I would leave if he ever took a drink)
All sorts of drama has ensued over these last 18 months but thankfully none of it in my house and no drunkeness has been seen by my girls.
My daughters are 8 and 4. My 8 year old has aspergers and can find life a little tricky from time to time. They have NEVER seen their daddy drunk but they do miss him greatly and , although I try my best to keep things happy and normal they know that I miss him and have seen me feeling sad.
I have told them that their daddy loves them but is very poorly and doesn't think straight when he's not well so its best we don't see him until he is well again . They asked to send him letters and a small gift for Christmas which we have done. I try my best to make a happy, loving home for my girls but they miss their daddy dreadfully , particularly as they have never seen any drunkeness so only remember the good guy. Just want some ESH about how to protect my lovely girls from the effects of this awful disease

Stung

My daughters are both very young (and truthfully haven't really noticed that he's gone) so I don't really have any advice to offer. But sending you hugs!

jarp

I also don't have any words of wisdom......I don't know what to tell my kids about Daddy/ Step Dads behaviour either, and the older they get the more this is driving my decision making....

I just wanted you to know you are not alone in your confusion and I'll also be watching this post to see what some of the older and wisers say!!

Catherine628

We worked with a wonderful addiction counselor last year when my AH was very much in the grip of addiction. Lots of craziness. My girls were also 8 and 4 at the time. The counselor said one of the first casualties of addiction is the truth. Trust becomes a big issue. She advised me to tell the girls the truth in an age appropriate way.

She also said if my girls arent aware of the reality of the situation they may resent me for either making dad leave or taking them away from dad. My AH is not in recovery and has continued to spiral down. I'm glad I told my girls the truth. Now they know they can come to me with their problems and feelings. So many times we keep alcoholism a secret and that is a big burden to carry. Children are smart and intuitive. I believe they sense when things are off. They are also resilient.

My oldest talks to the school counselor and an addiction counselor that specializes in children. There is a sticky in the Friends & Family of substance abusers section under The Library that discusseshow to tell children about a parent's addiction. Sorry I don't know how to post the link from my phone.

hopeful4

I tell the truth. My girls are 8 and 14 and are very perceptive. Im separating after the holidays and will tell the truth then also, although i am terrified to be honest.

Hugs, it sucks.

NWGRITS

Tell the truth. Addiction is a family disease, and if you let it, it will ruin all of you. Don't trash talk dad, but don't sugarcoat it, either. Being able to tell the truth is something most Adult Children of Alcoholics (like myself) aren't taught to do. We are supposed to lie and keep the status quo. Denial about the elephant in the room is key to the family looking normal to the outside world. That's not healthy for anyone.

CactusJill

My AH works late so only the 13 year old notices. I tell her the truth - that he drinks too much on occasion (he is a binge drinker). She says that although she loves her stepdad, she would not want a husband who drinks like him. I told her that I hope that she chooses more wisely than I did.

I am also an alcoholic - I have been in and out of recovery going on ten years. I told them the truth in an age-appropriate way, which is that alcohol is not good for me and so I am trying very hard to never drink it. (The 13 year old knows the real deal.)

I don't believe in lying to them but at the same time, I am glad that my AH generally works late and drinks at the bar rather than does it earlier or at home where they would face it more often.

MsJojo

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...addiction.html

Thanks catherine . This is the link :-)

MsJojo

Thanks for all the replies.
I guess i can't work out what an age appropriate amount of truth is. They know that he is ill and that this affects his thinking ( they have always known this , prior to the drinking being out of control. ) and I know that the drinking will need to be discussed at some point. I think, if I'm honest, part of my issue is that my eldest daughter is inclined to tell EVERYONE absolutely everything ( this is one of her Aspie traits) and I'm not ready for that at the moment. Friends and family know anyway but she will tell absolutely everyone that we bump into if its on her mind. I know thats selfish of me. Is them knowing that he is sick enough for now or am I storing up problems for us later?

Catherine628

That's a tough call. Is there anyone who works with your daughter that you would feel comfortable discussing this with? Pediatrician or trusted teacher maybe?

hopeful4

I agree, that is a tough call and I can understand totally what you are saying. I agree, I would ask a counselor or psychologist who specializes in Aspie. I would hate to tell you the wrong thing.

No matter what you decide, we are here to walk this with you.

Hugs!

MsJojo

Its tricky. I know that school, although lovely, wouldn't feel able to help with this. I found a local organisation that provide 1:1 support for children of families where there are addiction issues. However they will not work with her because of her Aspergers. I tried to get some support via her autism network but they are unable to deal with the addiction

It irritates me that I can't just suck it up that she'd tell people. She tells people all sorts of embarrassing stuff and I deal with it, but I feel so ashamed of her dad's drinking and that I chose badly. That in itself annoys me when I'm working full time and bringing up my daughters as a single parent and trying my hardest to provide them with a happy home.

LvWrAM123

My kids are 10 & 7. Dad had quit drinking a couple years ago but relapsed recently (hidden from them) and just returned from IP rehab. Before he left we explained he loved them much, but he had a problem in his brain and sometimes it caused him to make bad choices and feel out of control. From rehab he wrote a letter to each kid and in the 10yo's he used the expression "doctors told me I have a disease in my brain that makes me feel bad and make bad choices". So far we have not used the words alcoholism or addiction. But they know he has a problem that made him make bad choices and in order to be happy and healthy and be a good dad like they deserved, he had to get help from people who knew how to help him.

Of course I don't know what the future holds, but no matter what, as they get older, we will revisit this with proper/clear terminology and the grim realities of addiction, but for now, we avoided certain words.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I have viewed my husband and his illness through several lenses over time-him as a big jerk/how could he keep doing this and hurting people he purports to love so much, and with compassion for someone who has a bad and progressive illness. For today, the later makes me feel better. It doesn't mean I will live with him or let him live with his kids if he is actively drinking/using, but the compassion lens just FEELS better for me, and helps to depersonalize things.

Some here recommended a book-something like, My daddy loves me, my daddy has a disease. It looked really good for kids if/when you are (I am) ready to use the terminology with the kids. For me, the fact that they have not seen/experienced him altered was part of my decision, as was wanting to preserve his privacy since he decided to go to IP treatment. There is no right or wrong here, and you can always follow their lead. I frequently left openings for questions and had decided that if asked for more info or if it felt right, I would happily share more, but so far, have not.

Take care & good luck-

MsJojo

LVWRAM123, thanks for your reply. I've been using similar terminology with my children and, as you say have been avoiding certain words.
I totally get the idea of having looked at the addiction through different lenses. I am much more at peace with it now that I feel compassion for him as suffering a dreadful illness. I think, as you say, it helps that the chaos hasn't been seen by the children. I guess some of the worry with DD telling all and sundry is that I know that it has taken me a long time to view AH with compassion and I guess that others will not take the same view when she blurts out the "A" word.
I'm sorry that you too are going through this.