Cheating after sobriety
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 2
Cheating after sobriety
Hello:
This is my first post on this forum. My AH of 15 years has been sober for nearly three years. He became sober because he had the symptoms of advanced cirrhosis at the young age of 40. Staring death in the face was enough to sober him up. He started going to AA because he was told by his doctors that was a requirement in case he needed a liver transplant. Aside from quitting the booze, he did everything possible to clean up his diet, got back into the gym, and miraculously, he made an almost full recovery and looks better than he has in the 20 years I have known him. As soon as he was "better" he stopped going to meetings regularly.
I am very proud of his transformation. The first 12 years of our marriage had their moments because of his drinking but I wouldn't have said we were unhappy until the year or so before he got sick, when he really kicked the drinking into high gear. But I stuck around through the loss of our business (partially due to the drinking), his sickness, subsequent recovery and some other issues that followed.
In the last year or so, the gym has become his therapy. I think it is positive that he has been channelling his energy into something healthy. At times he seems to get a little obsessive about his body. He looks fantastic after almost being dead three years ago. I'm not bad to look at either but I admit I don't look as good as he does.
Anyway, about a month ago, I discovered he'd been having an affair for about a month with his coworker, who happens to be his ex-girlfriend. She and her soon to be ex-husband came back into our lives right before he got sick and we had all been friendly. She started working (in very close quarters) with him about 10 months ago. When I caught him, he swore it was over, he was sorry and he wanted to work on the marriage. I am not sure if I am reading between the lines the wrong way, but it seems like he really doesn't want to be married any more, even though he says he does. We are in the beginning stages of trying to reconcile so maybe I am reading the signals wrong. There are so many crazy emotions.
I have been on a couple of infidelity boards but nothing I have seen so far has addressed cheating after becoming sober. I have seen divorce being common if both spouses are heavy drinkers/users and only one gets sober. I drink occasionally and he swears he doesn't mind. I feel like I have been nothing but supportive of him and his endeavors our entire marriage. Getting through his sickness while simultaneously losing our business was hard but I thought we came out of that a stronger couple. This betrayal is the worst thing that I have ever been through and I can't understand why he'd do this to me after what we've been endured. Maybe I'm an enabler. Or a doormat. Or he's got this shiny new life now and wants to toss aside everything from his drinking days. Or maybe he just likes the other woman more than me.
Sorry for the dissertation. Thanks in advance for any help/advice.
This is my first post on this forum. My AH of 15 years has been sober for nearly three years. He became sober because he had the symptoms of advanced cirrhosis at the young age of 40. Staring death in the face was enough to sober him up. He started going to AA because he was told by his doctors that was a requirement in case he needed a liver transplant. Aside from quitting the booze, he did everything possible to clean up his diet, got back into the gym, and miraculously, he made an almost full recovery and looks better than he has in the 20 years I have known him. As soon as he was "better" he stopped going to meetings regularly.
I am very proud of his transformation. The first 12 years of our marriage had their moments because of his drinking but I wouldn't have said we were unhappy until the year or so before he got sick, when he really kicked the drinking into high gear. But I stuck around through the loss of our business (partially due to the drinking), his sickness, subsequent recovery and some other issues that followed.
In the last year or so, the gym has become his therapy. I think it is positive that he has been channelling his energy into something healthy. At times he seems to get a little obsessive about his body. He looks fantastic after almost being dead three years ago. I'm not bad to look at either but I admit I don't look as good as he does.
Anyway, about a month ago, I discovered he'd been having an affair for about a month with his coworker, who happens to be his ex-girlfriend. She and her soon to be ex-husband came back into our lives right before he got sick and we had all been friendly. She started working (in very close quarters) with him about 10 months ago. When I caught him, he swore it was over, he was sorry and he wanted to work on the marriage. I am not sure if I am reading between the lines the wrong way, but it seems like he really doesn't want to be married any more, even though he says he does. We are in the beginning stages of trying to reconcile so maybe I am reading the signals wrong. There are so many crazy emotions.
I have been on a couple of infidelity boards but nothing I have seen so far has addressed cheating after becoming sober. I have seen divorce being common if both spouses are heavy drinkers/users and only one gets sober. I drink occasionally and he swears he doesn't mind. I feel like I have been nothing but supportive of him and his endeavors our entire marriage. Getting through his sickness while simultaneously losing our business was hard but I thought we came out of that a stronger couple. This betrayal is the worst thing that I have ever been through and I can't understand why he'd do this to me after what we've been endured. Maybe I'm an enabler. Or a doormat. Or he's got this shiny new life now and wants to toss aside everything from his drinking days. Or maybe he just likes the other woman more than me.
Sorry for the dissertation. Thanks in advance for any help/advice.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello KittenLittle, Welcome to SR!!
I'm really so sorry for the pain you feel right now. It's one I know all too well. I am glad you found us!!
I don't think drinking is really all that correlated to cheating. Many alcoholics would never, ever be unfaithful while actively drinking or while sober.
In my experience, there is nothing more painful than learning that your spouse has been unfaithful. When my ex-husbad cheated on me, we did try counseling (which did not work for us), and I learned about recovering from an affair from two sides:
The Cheater: The person who cheated has to first and foremost stop seeing the person with whom they had the affair, but they also have to fully and completely acknowledge the damage and the deep hurt that they have caused by having the affair. Being unfaithful is the most intimate of betrayals. Then, they have to be open, honest, and straightforward about all their actions and whereabouts to their spouse for as long as it is needed for trust to be rebuilt. Because the trust is broken at this point.
The Spouse: Ultimately, the spouse has to decide if there will ever come a time when they will be able to trust the cheater again. The spouse does not get to beat the cheater over the head for the rest of their life.
If you are both willing, then you can work to heal all the brokenness in the marriage. Perhaps there was something missing from the marriage....that does not excuse the cheater's actions. Being unhappy with aspects of a marriage is one thing, but taking the action of having an affair--that's all the responsibility of the cheater.
Please stick around! You will find this to be a very supportive place!!
And speaking from after an affair...the pain does fade, I promise.
I'm really so sorry for the pain you feel right now. It's one I know all too well. I am glad you found us!!
I don't think drinking is really all that correlated to cheating. Many alcoholics would never, ever be unfaithful while actively drinking or while sober.
In my experience, there is nothing more painful than learning that your spouse has been unfaithful. When my ex-husbad cheated on me, we did try counseling (which did not work for us), and I learned about recovering from an affair from two sides:
The Cheater: The person who cheated has to first and foremost stop seeing the person with whom they had the affair, but they also have to fully and completely acknowledge the damage and the deep hurt that they have caused by having the affair. Being unfaithful is the most intimate of betrayals. Then, they have to be open, honest, and straightforward about all their actions and whereabouts to their spouse for as long as it is needed for trust to be rebuilt. Because the trust is broken at this point.
The Spouse: Ultimately, the spouse has to decide if there will ever come a time when they will be able to trust the cheater again. The spouse does not get to beat the cheater over the head for the rest of their life.
If you are both willing, then you can work to heal all the brokenness in the marriage. Perhaps there was something missing from the marriage....that does not excuse the cheater's actions. Being unhappy with aspects of a marriage is one thing, but taking the action of having an affair--that's all the responsibility of the cheater.
Please stick around! You will find this to be a very supportive place!!
And speaking from after an affair...the pain does fade, I promise.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 90
I'm so sorry for the pain you're feeling. Not sure if becoming sober then lends one to look elsewhere. But I've heard different views on people trading one addiction for another. They give up the bottle, go to gambling, being a shopaholic, etc., etc., and then there's the addiction to sex.
In my own experience, my RA had a past of needing attention from women. Made him feel great, b/c deep down he didn't feel that way at all. He craved attention from them, and as far as I know none went to physical relationships, but the emotional connection was just as bad. This happened during his marriage. After getting sober, now divorced, and with me, this style started to manifest once again. Without the bottle to make him feel awesome, he needed a quick fix elsewhere. They are all 'friends', and he puts it out there in the open. But I have a feeling there's others that are not known to me.
I don't know that this is the norm. But I do know that my RA's self esteem was down in the gutter after the turmoil of rehab, so he needed instant gratification. Many of the guys you see at the gym are all caught in up that same mode ...fragile egos that need to be stroked. I frequent a gym regularly, see this often. Lots of flirting (harmless?) goes on at mine.
Just my two cents. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Hurts to the core. My RA still needs to address what sent him down the bottle. He may be sober, but the messed up man inside is still there. Needs lotsa lotsa therapy. Is yours open to getting to the route of his demons? IMO one on one therapy a good place to start.
Hang in there. You will see answers in time. Hugs.
In my own experience, my RA had a past of needing attention from women. Made him feel great, b/c deep down he didn't feel that way at all. He craved attention from them, and as far as I know none went to physical relationships, but the emotional connection was just as bad. This happened during his marriage. After getting sober, now divorced, and with me, this style started to manifest once again. Without the bottle to make him feel awesome, he needed a quick fix elsewhere. They are all 'friends', and he puts it out there in the open. But I have a feeling there's others that are not known to me.
I don't know that this is the norm. But I do know that my RA's self esteem was down in the gutter after the turmoil of rehab, so he needed instant gratification. Many of the guys you see at the gym are all caught in up that same mode ...fragile egos that need to be stroked. I frequent a gym regularly, see this often. Lots of flirting (harmless?) goes on at mine.
Just my two cents. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Hurts to the core. My RA still needs to address what sent him down the bottle. He may be sober, but the messed up man inside is still there. Needs lotsa lotsa therapy. Is yours open to getting to the route of his demons? IMO one on one therapy a good place to start.
Hang in there. You will see answers in time. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Kitten-
It was my husband's affair that FINALLY got me dealing with the elephant in the room. He struggled with alcohol.
You talked a lot about him in your post, what about you. What kind of support do you have? Around his former drinking? Around the affair etc.
For me what helped me with one, helped with the other. Therapy, reading about addictions and affairs, Al-Anon etc.
It was my husband's affair that FINALLY got me dealing with the elephant in the room. He struggled with alcohol.
You talked a lot about him in your post, what about you. What kind of support do you have? Around his former drinking? Around the affair etc.
For me what helped me with one, helped with the other. Therapy, reading about addictions and affairs, Al-Anon etc.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Yeah, running around is a not uncommon part of the Dry Drunk thing.
As is Stopping Going To Meetings.
You know about "Dry Drunk," yet?
You understand his "Shiny New Life" is likely JUST on the outside, at this point?
He is likely rotting from the inside out.
Some folks call this a Polished Turd.
As is Stopping Going To Meetings.
You know about "Dry Drunk," yet?
You understand his "Shiny New Life" is likely JUST on the outside, at this point?
He is likely rotting from the inside out.
Some folks call this a Polished Turd.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by wynter 
I'm so sorry for the pain you're feeling. Not sure if becoming sober then lends one to look elsewhere. But I've heard different views on people trading one addiction for another. They give up the bottle, go to gambling, being a shopaholic, etc., etc., and then there's the addiction to sex.
In my own experience, my RA had a past of needing attention from women. Made him feel great, b/c deep down he didn't feel that way at all. He craved attention from them, and as far as I know none went to physical relationships, but the emotional connection was just as bad. This happened during his marriage. After getting sober, now divorced, and with me, this style started to manifest once again. Without the bottle to make him feel awesome, he needed a quick fix elsewhere. They are all 'friends', and he puts it out there in the open. But I have a feeling there's others that are not known to me.
I don't know that this is the norm. But I do know that my RA's self esteem was down in the gutter after the turmoil of rehab, so he needed instant gratification. Many of the guys you see at the gym are all caught in up that same mode ...fragile egos that need to be stroked. I frequent a gym regularly, see this often. Lots of flirting (harmless?) goes on at mine.
Just my two cents. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Hurts to the core. My RA still needs to address what sent him down the bottle. He may be sober, but the messed up man inside is still there. Needs lotsa lotsa therapy. Is yours open to getting to the route of his demons? IMO one on one therapy a good place to start.
Hang in there. You will see answers in time. Hugs.
In my own experience, my RA had a past of needing attention from women. Made him feel great, b/c deep down he didn't feel that way at all. He craved attention from them, and as far as I know none went to physical relationships, but the emotional connection was just as bad. This happened during his marriage. After getting sober, now divorced, and with me, this style started to manifest once again. Without the bottle to make him feel awesome, he needed a quick fix elsewhere. They are all 'friends', and he puts it out there in the open. But I have a feeling there's others that are not known to me.
I don't know that this is the norm. But I do know that my RA's self esteem was down in the gutter after the turmoil of rehab, so he needed instant gratification. Many of the guys you see at the gym are all caught in up that same mode ...fragile egos that need to be stroked. I frequent a gym regularly, see this often. Lots of flirting (harmless?) goes on at mine.
Just my two cents. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Hurts to the core. My RA still needs to address what sent him down the bottle. He may be sober, but the messed up man inside is still there. Needs lotsa lotsa therapy. Is yours open to getting to the route of his demons? IMO one on one therapy a good place to start.
Hang in there. You will see answers in time. Hugs.
Mine also quit going to meetings after he deemed himself "better". It opened the door for all the old behaviors to come creeping back in, including flirting. Led to relapse not long after, and I said goodbye.
A healthy recovery means working on finding self-worth, self-love (I don't mean arrogance...big difference there, of course), and this doesn't come from other women.
Hammer said it best. What you see is likely a "Polished Turd" complete with some rotten insides and a buffed-up, glorified body on the outside.
You are beautiful and worthy of a full-time heart, mind, body, and soul commitment from your husband. Take care of yourself, don't beat yourself up, don't view his infidelity as your fault. You are worth much more than what you are receiving right now.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
KittenLittle---the thing that jumped out at me, in your post, is the fact that as soon as he was "better", "he quit going to regular meetings"The thinking and behaviors that accompany alcoholism are frequently characterized by low self-esteem and shame; emotional immaturity self-centeredness and selfishness in relationships. Much of the twelve steps is focused on changing the alcoholic thinking and attitudes that lead to the behavior that destroys most of their relationships. Yes, sobriety (no alcohol intake) is necessary as the first step--and it sure is good for the liver...LOL....but, it does not necessarily change the thinking and attitudes that accompanied an alcohol-driven life. Sober is not the same as recovering.
I am sure that these words are of little comfort to you, though...because you are left heart-broken with destroyed trust. Try as you might--even if you could figure out "what makes him tick"---it won't matter much....because you can't change him and you can't fix him. He would have to want to change and be willing to do the work that it takes to do it. He is not willing to commit to his own program--but, takes more pleasure from ego-stroking activities to fill the place that alcohol served--in order to feel good.
None of this has to do with you--whether you are a shrew or an angel-on-earth. It has to do with him. And..you can't change him-or-fix him.
You will have to turn back to yourself. Who are you..what do you want...how did you get to this point...what are you going to do....how do you take back your own power.....how do you get past the grief...
I am so sorry for your pain...which I know feels almost unbearable now. I am glad that you came here....alanon and individual therapy have been the saving grace for so many others who have waked in your shoes.
Please continue to read and learn---the stickies at the top of this page contains a wealth of knowledge. It is a good place to get started.
Please keep posting and reading. You are not alone--we have your back.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: back woods USA
Posts: 171
Hi Kittenlittle...my XRAH did the same thing..got sober, stopped going to meetings, instead of working on fixing our mess he started another relationship that he left his family for. Fast forward 2 years...he is a lonely miserable man..does nothing but work, has no relationship with his only son but still with the ow as far as I know. He works no program but every year proclaims how proud and happy he is that he is sober. He has 4 yrs in Feb. and Im glad for that but he is still just as unhappy and miserable as he was the day I left.
I had the same questions...never got answers. Dandylion is right...even if you did get answers it wouldn't change a thing. I was told this many times... when an alcoholic jerk gets sober, you still have a jerk...that was the cleaned up nice version...:0
sorry you are dealing with this...I know how painful it is ...hold on and hang in there.
I had the same questions...never got answers. Dandylion is right...even if you did get answers it wouldn't change a thing. I was told this many times... when an alcoholic jerk gets sober, you still have a jerk...that was the cleaned up nice version...:0
sorry you are dealing with this...I know how painful it is ...hold on and hang in there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 2
Thank you all so much for your comments. I had an especially rough night last night, running into some mutual friends of the other woman. Definitely a "two steps back" kind of night. Waking up to your kind words made my morning.
I have been to a couple of counseling sessions alone and my H and I went to one together. He didn't like it too much because he was on the hot seat. I hope to continue. I was also considering going to Al-Anon. Actually, that is what brought me to this site. After reading what you all have written, I am definitely going to give it a try.
Thanks again.
I have been to a couple of counseling sessions alone and my H and I went to one together. He didn't like it too much because he was on the hot seat. I hope to continue. I was also considering going to Al-Anon. Actually, that is what brought me to this site. After reading what you all have written, I am definitely going to give it a try.
Thanks again.
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