am i over reacting?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: columbus,ga
Posts: 6
am i over reacting?
This could be a long story so I am going to sum it up. My younger brother (23) is an addict. He has been through numerous treatment centers etc. he even lived with myself and my husband for about a year straight and still relapsed, after that I swore he would never live with us again because of the stress it created for me and my husband...About 2 months ago he pulled a knife on my mom and was making threats (due to the drugs) so they called the cops on him and he was arrested.
My mom couldnt stand leaving him in jail and was going to get him out and put him up in a hotel room. (yes a horrible idea) so i suggested that my brother come stay with my husband and myself until he could get into a drug rehab program and would stay only a few days to a week at the most here with us (we live in a nearby state). my brother did go to a 7 day detox center and has been taking his prescriptions (that we pay for, little help from my family) but has been pushing my nerves to the limit.
I have been trying to help him get a job and a truck so he can move on his own but it is proving way harder to deal with him than anticipated. I cannot send him back home to our family's house bc they are not going to allow him back and he would just relapse.
now my husband and I (we have only been married 4 years and half of the time my brother has been staying or living with us) are having to deal with this the best we can.
The last straw was today, my husband and i went on an OVERNIGHT getaway for the holidays and left my brother at our house with specific instructions:
1. no one allowed over
2. if he wanted a mixed drink, he could only have 2 weak drinks before bed.(which is okay with his meds, i checked but still not exactly what I think is healthy for him)
come home this a.m. to find he had not only drank half a bottle of jameson but lied about it saying i was crazy (even though i marked the bottle w a sharpie before w e left)
i was upset but thought maybe I was making a big deal out of nothing so i was checking his email for jobs and saw a facebook message to one of his friends here where we live stating that the friend 'should come over because his sister and brother in law were gone for the night'
i have not confronted him yet and not really sure what to say.. i told him earlier that if he didnt act like a child i wouldnt have to treat him like one which led to an argument.
i am exhausted, frustrated and depressed.. i want to help him but how far do i have to go to make him grow up?
i need ADVICE!!! good advice from serious people.. i am not perfect by any means and there is no handbook given to families of addicts so please guide me i am so lost!!!
Additional Details
my husband and i had been planning this trip for months and i really needed a break for being with my brother 24/7 ..he has no health insurance so everything he does is out of pocket. we could not get him into a longer treatment facility or even a halfway house without $$$ (trust me, i made phone calls for a week straight!) The detox program was the only choice we had at the time now he sees a doc at the health dept but the doc isnt there half the time so not really beneficial. he doesnt have a vehicle to go to A.A. meetings and my husband and i dont have time to run him around..its very disheartening and frustrating should i kick him out? force him into a halfway house or bare with it?????
My mom couldnt stand leaving him in jail and was going to get him out and put him up in a hotel room. (yes a horrible idea) so i suggested that my brother come stay with my husband and myself until he could get into a drug rehab program and would stay only a few days to a week at the most here with us (we live in a nearby state). my brother did go to a 7 day detox center and has been taking his prescriptions (that we pay for, little help from my family) but has been pushing my nerves to the limit.
I have been trying to help him get a job and a truck so he can move on his own but it is proving way harder to deal with him than anticipated. I cannot send him back home to our family's house bc they are not going to allow him back and he would just relapse.
now my husband and I (we have only been married 4 years and half of the time my brother has been staying or living with us) are having to deal with this the best we can.
The last straw was today, my husband and i went on an OVERNIGHT getaway for the holidays and left my brother at our house with specific instructions:
1. no one allowed over
2. if he wanted a mixed drink, he could only have 2 weak drinks before bed.(which is okay with his meds, i checked but still not exactly what I think is healthy for him)
come home this a.m. to find he had not only drank half a bottle of jameson but lied about it saying i was crazy (even though i marked the bottle w a sharpie before w e left)
i was upset but thought maybe I was making a big deal out of nothing so i was checking his email for jobs and saw a facebook message to one of his friends here where we live stating that the friend 'should come over because his sister and brother in law were gone for the night'
i have not confronted him yet and not really sure what to say.. i told him earlier that if he didnt act like a child i wouldnt have to treat him like one which led to an argument.
i am exhausted, frustrated and depressed.. i want to help him but how far do i have to go to make him grow up?
i need ADVICE!!! good advice from serious people.. i am not perfect by any means and there is no handbook given to families of addicts so please guide me i am so lost!!!
Additional Details
my husband and i had been planning this trip for months and i really needed a break for being with my brother 24/7 ..he has no health insurance so everything he does is out of pocket. we could not get him into a longer treatment facility or even a halfway house without $$$ (trust me, i made phone calls for a week straight!) The detox program was the only choice we had at the time now he sees a doc at the health dept but the doc isnt there half the time so not really beneficial. he doesnt have a vehicle to go to A.A. meetings and my husband and i dont have time to run him around..its very disheartening and frustrating should i kick him out? force him into a halfway house or bare with it?????
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Southern U.S.
Posts: 1,030
Hi tsula, I am so sorry to hear about what you're going through with your brother. I don't have any experience in this realm, but I'm sure others will be along to respond shortly.
Have you seen the Friends and Family forum? You are welcome to post anywhere, but you'll find lots of folks who have dealt with similar situations in that section. This is the link:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Have you seen the Friends and Family forum? You are welcome to post anywhere, but you'll find lots of folks who have dealt with similar situations in that section. This is the link:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Tsula, I am sorry that you are going through this. I think you probably already know that an addict cannot be trusted in any way, shape or form. You cant leave anything with him alone that you dont want pawned, stolen or consumed. Promises were made to be broken. Sadly you can't believe a word he says. Most likely it will be a lie.
Your brother is 23 years old. He is grown up. There is nothing you can do to make him grow up or see that what he is doing is wrong. You have done enough. You have done more than enough. By letting him stay with you, by trying to find him a job and buy him a truck you are enabling him. Why should he put forth any effort if his big sister is taking care of him?
I understand that he can't go to your mothers. But why should he stay with you? He has shown that he can be violent. He threatened his own mother with a knife. Under the influence or not, no excuses. He has shown you that he will not abide by house rules. By the way, I wouldn't give an addict alcohol, even two weak mixed drinks. That is how many addicts start out. It is time to take care of yourself. Time to get your brother out of your house. Like yesterday if it were possible.
I know you probably love your brother but you are doing him no favors. You have had him there for half your married life. In that time has he shown any initiative? I mean honest initiative? Looked for a job? Contributed anything to your household? If he has gotten a job has he kept it for any length of time or has he been fired or quit because they just didn't understand, they were jerks, he hated it, any excuse under the sun other than looking in the mirror for a reason?
My husband is an alcoholic and a crack addict. I have been through almost all what you are going through except my husband has somehow been fortunate enough to have avoided arrest but that is just a matter of time if he keeps it up. I have yelled, cried, threatened, tried to reason, tried to be understanding and supportive. None of those things worked in the slightest. i can't fix, manage or control what he does. I can only do what is best for me and our children.
It is time for you to let go of your brother. Addicts are manipulative and crafty, he will land on his feet even if you get him out of your house. He will find a way if he has to. Good luck and read and post on the family and friends of substance abusers. Hang in there.
Your brother is 23 years old. He is grown up. There is nothing you can do to make him grow up or see that what he is doing is wrong. You have done enough. You have done more than enough. By letting him stay with you, by trying to find him a job and buy him a truck you are enabling him. Why should he put forth any effort if his big sister is taking care of him?
I understand that he can't go to your mothers. But why should he stay with you? He has shown that he can be violent. He threatened his own mother with a knife. Under the influence or not, no excuses. He has shown you that he will not abide by house rules. By the way, I wouldn't give an addict alcohol, even two weak mixed drinks. That is how many addicts start out. It is time to take care of yourself. Time to get your brother out of your house. Like yesterday if it were possible.
I know you probably love your brother but you are doing him no favors. You have had him there for half your married life. In that time has he shown any initiative? I mean honest initiative? Looked for a job? Contributed anything to your household? If he has gotten a job has he kept it for any length of time or has he been fired or quit because they just didn't understand, they were jerks, he hated it, any excuse under the sun other than looking in the mirror for a reason?
My husband is an alcoholic and a crack addict. I have been through almost all what you are going through except my husband has somehow been fortunate enough to have avoided arrest but that is just a matter of time if he keeps it up. I have yelled, cried, threatened, tried to reason, tried to be understanding and supportive. None of those things worked in the slightest. i can't fix, manage or control what he does. I can only do what is best for me and our children.
It is time for you to let go of your brother. Addicts are manipulative and crafty, he will land on his feet even if you get him out of your house. He will find a way if he has to. Good luck and read and post on the family and friends of substance abusers. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
Had this been my brother he would have been on the first bus home by now.
I think you need to face the fact that you are an enabler. He is 23 years old, not 13. Reread that list of instructions you had to leave for him. Does that look like something you should have to do for a 23 year old? You, your husband, and your mother are cleaning up all his messes for him. If he never has consequences for his actions he will never have any reason to make good choices.
Seriously, did you honestly believe that he would have 2 weak drinks? And why ANY drinks. He shouldn't be drinking at all.
You need to kick this kid to the curb, or face the fact that you and he will be roommates for the rest of your life. No actually, you will be his caregiver for the rest of your life. Your mom passed the problem on to you and now you have to deal with it. This is not your responsibility. It's time for baby brother to grow up and face the fact that he's a man.
I didn't mean to be harsh, please take it as help not judgement, that is the way it was intended.
I think you need to face the fact that you are an enabler. He is 23 years old, not 13. Reread that list of instructions you had to leave for him. Does that look like something you should have to do for a 23 year old? You, your husband, and your mother are cleaning up all his messes for him. If he never has consequences for his actions he will never have any reason to make good choices.
Seriously, did you honestly believe that he would have 2 weak drinks? And why ANY drinks. He shouldn't be drinking at all.
You need to kick this kid to the curb, or face the fact that you and he will be roommates for the rest of your life. No actually, you will be his caregiver for the rest of your life. Your mom passed the problem on to you and now you have to deal with it. This is not your responsibility. It's time for baby brother to grow up and face the fact that he's a man.
I didn't mean to be harsh, please take it as help not judgement, that is the way it was intended.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
You have a lot on your plate right now, and have for quite some time. 
I think I'd let your brother make his own decisions and live somewhere else on his own. I wouldn't let anyone damage my life like that, relative or not.
I think I'd let your brother make his own decisions and live somewhere else on his own. I wouldn't let anyone damage my life like that, relative or not.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: columbus,ga
Posts: 6
thanks to everyone for the replies. i have decided to take yalls advice. i called my mom rigth after reading these and told her that i needed help to show him that this is not a life our family wants for him or US. i may not confront him tonight due to my anger and frustration but i will talk to him after i can think of a rational, understandable way to say what i mean and mean what i SAY! thanks, i do not feel criticized. i never claimed to know what i was doing, ive never done this before. i even went to therapy for months to deal with all of this and still am in the boat i was in before so a pattern has to change!!
_the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
_the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Chattanooga TN
Posts: 596
As a brother, I would hope my sister would make me live my own life, and deal with my own consequences. You are not helping him in the least, you are just letting him get away with his choices.
When I was in my very early 20's, I was sorta like this, still living like a kid. My family never got me out of any trouble and by the time I was 22, I had a regular job, and much better friends. i still drank and smoke pot etc, but I had to learn to take care of myself.
Best of luck with the brother. I am a brother and I love my sister dearly and am very glad she has never let me interfere with her life with MY problems. She is there when I need to talk, but if I am drinking or drugging myself into homelessness, all she can do is feel bad for me. Just as a contrast, if my home burns down tomorrow and I have no place to stay until I can get an apartment, I have a bed at her place. But if I show up drunk and am not taking care of lifes priorities I would be out.
Tough love. It sucks to have to do, but the ones to do it is family.
When I was in my very early 20's, I was sorta like this, still living like a kid. My family never got me out of any trouble and by the time I was 22, I had a regular job, and much better friends. i still drank and smoke pot etc, but I had to learn to take care of myself.
Best of luck with the brother. I am a brother and I love my sister dearly and am very glad she has never let me interfere with her life with MY problems. She is there when I need to talk, but if I am drinking or drugging myself into homelessness, all she can do is feel bad for me. Just as a contrast, if my home burns down tomorrow and I have no place to stay until I can get an apartment, I have a bed at her place. But if I show up drunk and am not taking care of lifes priorities I would be out.
Tough love. It sucks to have to do, but the ones to do it is family.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Hey Tsula, it is hard but I think you will feel better. Less stressed, less depressed, less frustrated. It does get to you after a while. Hang in there and keep us posted. Come here early and often if you have questions. This is a good place to get answers, support and suggestions.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Tsula, time to concentrate on your marriage. You and your husband are in the sweet period of life, early marriage, where you have dreams and ambitions and you are working together to make a life for yourselves.
Your husband and you have been more than patient. Save your parenting skills for your children (if you decide to have some) and give your brother the dignity of making his own way in life.
Your husband and you have been more than patient. Save your parenting skills for your children (if you decide to have some) and give your brother the dignity of making his own way in life.
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