BlueChair

My husband said he would like to renew our wedding vows. He asked me if I would marry him again given all that's happened, went on about how he understood if I couldn't, but he wanted to renew the vows to officially reinstate his commitment and faithfulness to me and yes he cheated on me during his relapse on cocaine.

Wasn't expecting this!

I said yes of course, and we are going to do it here on Monday in an Ice Chapel just the two of us. I have a lot of emotions about it. I love him, I am committed to him, I'm so happy he wants to express his commitment again. It doesnt erase what happened. He knows this and said as much. I have forgiven him but I still have a lot of hurt over it. I've been asking myself is it wrong to renew the marriage until I'm passed this? Will this help me move beyond it?

And part of it feels like all this is surreal. A few months ago he was missing, drugging, sleeping around, smashing things in rehab because of paws, now it's a full 180 and feels sometimes like my head is spinning. I'm not sure what will happen when we go home and I'm scared he can't hold up with those pressures and I remind myself he is fragile and I could lose him to this disease. He’s told me what it means to him, now Im trying to process what it means to me.

Ann

Bluechair, if you would like to do it, then do it with joy in your heart.

If you would rather not do it just now, you get to say so and wait until the moment would have more meaning for you.

We don't need to lose the joy in today through fear of tomorrow and regets over yesterday. But we also don't need to feign joy if we don't feel it at the moment.

Whatever you choose, I wish you confidence in your decision.

Hugs

Lily1918

Have you read about the pink cloud at all? It sounds like this is what your husband might be experiencing. Follow your gut instincts and do whatever is best for you
Hugs,
Lily

BlueChair

"old Joe has gone from seeing pink elephants to seeing pink clouds" I found that funny quote when I looked up "pink cloud" and found it's an AA word.

I think he wants to do something to get past the cheating and sort of like make ammends as best he can. It happened and he can't go back and change it, we've talked about how all we can do is work through it, and we will get past it. This is something he feels he wants to do for himself and for me. I guess it's like an action he can take before me, before God because we talked to the minister from the church and he explained to him about these past few months and it was another wow moment because he gets it and even though he is usually reserved talking with people he was so open with everything he said and this man from the church was awesome. He talked to us both a long time about faith, love, trusting in God, being there to support each other even if one of us stumbles and falls, as long as there is love and repentance. My husband said if it wasnt for me and the rest of his family he would have self destructed and he is in constant pain over how he hurt me. I don't know if this is what recovery looks like, or it's him trying hard to work on our marriage but everyone says actions speak louder than words.

I figured out I think what it is in the back of my mind, and its the drugs still. I never ever thought he would cheat on me and I know it was only because of the cocaine and that is what scares me still. If he relapses and uses it again then could it happen again even if he means every word he says and feels in his heart. No answer but time, and the question I have had to ask myself is he worth all this risk. I know tomorrow I will feel joy because I am making the choice for myself to walk beside him even knowing all I know now. The minister said to remember we have this day, and are guaranteed no more we have to make the most of each one we are given.

suki44883

Just a question for you to consider...If you had been with him through all this, but not yet married, would you marry him now? Of course, you ARE married and will remain married whether or not you choose to renew the vows. But, it's just something that popped in my head and wondered about.

Would you maybe feel better if he continues on this recovery road for a year, and then think about renewing the vows? Like I said, just something for you to think about.

BlueChair

If we had not been married before this, NO I would not marry him right now. I HATE admitting this or part of me does but it is true. If we were not married I think I would even be suspicious if he asked me to marry him at this moment. I dont think he would be stable enough to make a decision like that, and Im not sure I would be either.

If we were not already married and were only dating, I like to believe I would have walked away. That says a lot doesn't it ? !

needingabreak

Bluechair I think you need to do what you feel in your heart. This isnt just about him and what makes him feel good or helps alleviate his guilt. Do you feel he is in a place where he knows what renewing the vows means or do you feel it is out of some guilt? I am not implying he doesn't love you or want to renew vows but in his early recovery feeling the shame and guilt he probably feels he wants to right wrongs which is understandable and sweet.The real question is how do you really feel? This is just as much about you as it is him.

LvWrAM123

Just wanted to say I can relate to you. Found out nearly 2 months ago that hubby relapsed several months prior and it included an episode of infidelity. He just returned from a month of rehab. I am proud of the hard work he has done and where he is at now. I am working on forgiveness and rebuilding trust on the relationship side-I MOSTLY accept that the infidelity was part of the disease, which certainly makes it easier to move to forgiveness, but at the same time, it FEELS so personal, it seems harder to get past than "just" the drinking and the drugs. We have a family vacation planned to the beach in 2 months and are thinking/hoping we will be in a place where we are making good progress on rebuilding trust, and are considering a vow renewal, as part of the healing process.

I, too, never thought in a million years he would ever cheat on me. While viewing it as part of his disease makes it easier to forgive, in other ways it also make it, and us, scary, because this whole recovery thing is a 1 day at a time thing, and they are powerless over the addiction-they can make the promises, but yet we already know how precarious it all is. Praying he has learned some lessons about the importance of ALWAYS working the program-that's part of the deal in a "forever" recovery and a forever marriage.

Good luck-Hope you enjoy your vow renewal - sounds like you deserve to have a little joy come your way-

Mountainmanbob

that would truly seem to be the beast thing to do
put it off for a while
until your heart and mind are in 100 % agreement on this issue
but
it seems that you have already told him yes
mat wiss him off or disappoint him greatly
if you change your mind

Mountainman

Txhelp

Such a lovely thought that your husband has....I know there is such guilt and shame involved....especially once you are in recovery.

However, as the other poster said....don't do it just to relieve his guilt. I love that this was mentioned as it would be something that I would do.

I also love what another person said...perhaps a vow renewal at the end of some (you name the time frame) period of sobriety.

Vale

I've said it before........vows are words.

Words are easy.
Performance is tough, and cannot be faked.

I don't remember my "vows".... and I'm quite certain
my wife doesn't, either.

But she knows in her heart I have her back .....to the end..
...and I know she has mine.

If I were you, I'd clue him in to the fact that you wish to see
performance ---- not more promises. Doing 10 pull ups is HARD.
Pushing air past your vocal chords whilst forming words....

.......is easy.