zoey09

Haven't been making great choices the last month or so. I dunno I'm so confused right now. And the last couple times it hasn't been a catastrophe when I drink or use, it's been a good time, made me feel like I can moderate. But I spose it's just a matter of time before this blows up in my face.
I went to rehab, had a few sober months and went back to my old ways, (not completely)but it's bound to end up that way right?
I didn't follow thru on my recovery plan, I just kept busy, which is good but no rehab, no sponsor, no counselling, no journaling... I guess I didn't put in the work.
I got sick of dealing with it every day, I just wanted to numb myself the easy way, the way I know would work quickly. I did it once and it set off a trigger... It opened Pandora's box and I'm having trouble closing the lid.
Why does this have to consume my life? Why am I always counting days, why does it creep into my mind, why can't I stop after a few?
Now I feel like I have to lie to mostly everyone bc they knew I went to rehab. Everyone thinks I should be cured, and I'm not. Confused, feel alone, not sure what to do. Sorry I'm all over the place, thanks for listening.

Dee74

Hey Zoey

the times when I drank and nothing bad happened were the worst thing that could have happened to me because they'd convince me moderation might be possible (never mind the 100s of other times I tried and failed)

seems like a lot of work you're doing - obsessing about drinking, not drinking, hiding the fact you'rE drinking and trying to appear normal - no wonder you're exhausted....

I dunno what you've done in the past to stay sober, besides rehab - perhaps now is a good time to think about what else you can try?

D

PinotNOmore

Dee always knows what to say! Take it for what its worth!
He know's what he's talking about!

GracieLou

Instead of looking at all of these as one huge commitment, why not try just taking on just one of them? Lets say a sponsor. Get a sponsor. Make that the one thing you do. Forget the rest for now. Like one day at a time, sometimes we must tackle one recovery suggestion at a time.

It is a journey. Try not to look down the path to far because or minds want to tell us that we already know what is down there but in reality, we really have no idea. We cannot control the path, we just have to walk it.


Or what you are willing to try. Sometimes just being willing can make a difference. If someone said, jump on one foot for ten minutes, would you try it or dismiss it?

Willingness takes courage. For me it meant I was willing to set aside what I had already taken as fact and let someone else teach me something different. Being open to learn is what was key for me.

hypochondriac

It takes a long time to learn how to live without numbing ourselves Zoey. It sounds like you know what you should be doing. There is no shame in having to work hard at something to make it work. You can do this, just keep trying x

least

I hope we can help you stay sober for good.