formyboys

About a month ago, I sent XRAH an email once again reaching out to him for some kinds of "relationship" between us..at the very least to co parent together. It was a moment of weakness on my part as I had done this several times only to be rejected. I hate the whole situation between our son and my XRAH, I hate that after 20 yrs its as if he (XRAH) doesn't exist...but If Im honest I hate that things ended that way they did between us also. The "other woman" involved pretty much made it impossible since he is still with her and has continued to put that relationship as his main priority.

He never responded and I was kind of grateful and was finally working on excepting that it is what it is....
2 days ago I get an email from him, apparently he doesn't use that email much anymore and just received it. He said the email caught him off guard and he had not expected that at all..? (again, this is not the first time I have extended an olive branch) that he would "not mind talking to me since it gets kind of lonely around here sometimes" and that "he would be lying if he said he didn't think about me from time to time"...."maybe we could laugh some of the hurt away and make it better for both of us"

I responded that I know I originally sent the email but after thinking about things am not sure how that would work out, that I would love for him and our son to have a relationship but as far as he and I, obviously I have a hard time trusting him after all that has happened and not sure even what to say, that I don't feel like we even know each other anymore.

I got another email this morning saying that things got out of control between he and I and he was sorry he let that happen, that he would do a lot of things differently if he could do them over. that he is not an angry person and he thinks I know that. that I could call him anytime I needed to for anything.

Im not even sure I should respond...Ive wanted things to be on more friendly terms with us for so long but now im just thinking how do you be friends with someone who put you through what he put me through. The years of drinking and then waiting for him to go through the rehab only to have him leave us for someone else was literally the hardest thing I have ever gone through. What it did to my self confidence, my mental and physical health, was unbelievable. For him to say "maybe we can laugh some of the hurt away"...I was just stunned. He obviously has no clue how what he has done affected everyone involved.

I want to be able to just put the past aside and make things easier for my son...I think he feels like after everything that has happened he would be betraying me if he has a relationship with his father, and if he sees things between his father and I going better maybe it is ok for him to have that relationship.

But I don't think I cant make it through another betrayal with his father...it feels like maybe he and this "other woman" are on the outs and now hes wanting to make things better with us. I don't think he is trying to come back, not at all. but it just feels like oh im lonely I can interact with them now.

BlueSkies1

I don't remember the age of your son, but I think that is the key here. If your son is 16, or old enough to decide to pursue or not a relationship with his dad, then the communication efforts need to be between them, without you really involved. If the son is younger, then your X has really dropped the ball because children are not expected to have the same level of competence at communication, nor the methods or means.

I think civility is what you want with your X. With all the billions of people on the planet, do you two really need to re-experience each other? Maybe a nice note once in awhile, observe a birthday, happy holidays to you.

I would make it clear to my son that if he wants a relationship at all with his father, (which I personally think is healthiest that he does have one) that he should not feel badly about it. I would encourage it.

Stung

I think you should only strive for civility between you two. You don't need to be friends, and I agree, that would be really difficult to be friends with someone who has put you through so much. But showing your son that you can be the bigger person is a good lesson.

Greensleeves

I agree with Stung and BlueSkies. Civility is good, but opening your heart to someone who thinks he can "laugh the hurt away" seems like a recipe for disaster. Perhaps have a talk with your son and let him know it's okay by you if the two of them have a relationship. Emphasis "two of them." You don't have to be involved, and it might work out better for everyone if you keep a cordial distance.

formyboys

Ive realized that civility is pretty much all there can be...I mean really, how can you be friends with someone you don't trust, who has hurt you so bad that the word "hurt"doesnt even do it justice, and has not expressed any remorse other then "I wish I would have done things differently"...
I just wish there was not this huge wall between our son and his father...but I didn't build it and I cant take it down...the three Cs apply here also.
Blueskies our son is 16 and most def able to make his own decisions regarding his dad...I just thought if he saw that I was able to let it go and be friendly with his dad then maybe it would make it easier for him. Ive had the talk with our son many times....at this point its just time to let it be what it is I guess.

dandylion

formyboys----everything that I have learned (from my own life experience), tells me that you are best to handle it just as you already are. I think it would be best for all concerned to let that sleeping dog lie.....

dandylion