My ACOA, NPD/BPD mother
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My ACOA, NPD/BPD mother
Thank you for the thread about lying and your explanation Kailua. My mother was ACOA and she lied quite a bit also. The weird thing is that I think she believed her own lies. Whenever she would relate a story about something that happened in my childhood, the events were jumbled or switched around. If I were to say "that's not how it happened" or something like that. She would get furious and call ME a pathological lier. This happened frequently in my childhood. For example when she would relate a story about something to my father or her friend.
I began to question my own sanity when I was a child. How could I view something so entirely different? Then similar to what Kailua mentioned I started just agreeing with everything she said so that I wouldn't get yelled at or beat.
During my teenager years, I would sometimes challenge my mother's stories that's when she really started calling me a pathological lier. In fact she tried very hard to sabotage my marriage when I was in my 20's. She would call my husband up and tell him that he could never be happy with a pathological lier and continue to list all of my bad qualities. Thank God he never took my Mom seriously and we are still married, but she was able to destroy my brother's marriage and nearly broke my daughter's engagement. Early on in my marriage and because of her continual interference in my life I went no contact for a number of years. At least 5 years we had no communication. I felt bad about that so I started visiting on special holidays only. Needless to say, those visits were rarely pleasant. I was viewed as the black sheep of the family. The child that chose her husband (no one in my family liked him because he did not play her game) over her family of origin. My mother always brought up some kind of story and would twist it into something else. She would be critical of my husband or my kids or my life in general. My divorced brother (now terribly unhappy, alcoholic/addict and father of addict/alcoholic nephew 28 high school drop-out /unemployed living with my brother.) would always take her side and pretend the story was true. So every visit turned out being a two against one power struggle. My father would passively leave the scene to do yard work, clean or whatever. It was clear that he would defend my mother if need be.
Well, my mother has since passed on (cancer) and on a day shortly before she died she actually apologized for being a horrible mother. Of course I lied once again, and said she was a wonderful mother and the best mother in the world.
In all honesty, I think she tried. I feel that she was just a very sick woman. I do feel sorry for her because I think she never found peace and healing from her own horrible childhood and the abuse she endured from her alcoholic father and enabling mother. I have to say that going no contact and emotionally detaching from her was the best thing I ever did. It let me heal and to realize that my mom was sick and that her issues were her own issues and had nothing to do with me. Because for so long I carried around a lot of guilt thinking that her depression, her attempted suicides, her anger, her disappointment was my fault. That I couldn't be the daughter that she wanted me to be. That I was the black-sheep. The bad one. Can anyone relate to what I'm saying?
I began to question my own sanity when I was a child. How could I view something so entirely different? Then similar to what Kailua mentioned I started just agreeing with everything she said so that I wouldn't get yelled at or beat.
During my teenager years, I would sometimes challenge my mother's stories that's when she really started calling me a pathological lier. In fact she tried very hard to sabotage my marriage when I was in my 20's. She would call my husband up and tell him that he could never be happy with a pathological lier and continue to list all of my bad qualities. Thank God he never took my Mom seriously and we are still married, but she was able to destroy my brother's marriage and nearly broke my daughter's engagement. Early on in my marriage and because of her continual interference in my life I went no contact for a number of years. At least 5 years we had no communication. I felt bad about that so I started visiting on special holidays only. Needless to say, those visits were rarely pleasant. I was viewed as the black sheep of the family. The child that chose her husband (no one in my family liked him because he did not play her game) over her family of origin. My mother always brought up some kind of story and would twist it into something else. She would be critical of my husband or my kids or my life in general. My divorced brother (now terribly unhappy, alcoholic/addict and father of addict/alcoholic nephew 28 high school drop-out /unemployed living with my brother.) would always take her side and pretend the story was true. So every visit turned out being a two against one power struggle. My father would passively leave the scene to do yard work, clean or whatever. It was clear that he would defend my mother if need be.
Well, my mother has since passed on (cancer) and on a day shortly before she died she actually apologized for being a horrible mother. Of course I lied once again, and said she was a wonderful mother and the best mother in the world.
In all honesty, I think she tried. I feel that she was just a very sick woman. I do feel sorry for her because I think she never found peace and healing from her own horrible childhood and the abuse she endured from her alcoholic father and enabling mother. I have to say that going no contact and emotionally detaching from her was the best thing I ever did. It let me heal and to realize that my mom was sick and that her issues were her own issues and had nothing to do with me. Because for so long I carried around a lot of guilt thinking that her depression, her attempted suicides, her anger, her disappointment was my fault. That I couldn't be the daughter that she wanted me to be. That I was the black-sheep. The bad one. Can anyone relate to what I'm saying?
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Yes, CleaninLI, it sounds about right to me. My mom was pretty insane too. There was so much I didn't understand about her. At her death. I mostly felt pity and sadness for her life so lived unfulfilled. If that makes any sense.
Love from Lenina
Love from Lenina
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Was she an alcoholic as well? Yes it is an odd view of life to always have to be figuring out what to say all the time. I don't think I ever lied to my kids, and certainly never harmed them with untruths. I decided at the young age of three that my parents were nuts and that I couldn't wait to grow up, get away and never treat kids like they did. My mom was the enabler and martyr and she lied a lot, just made up ideas about others. I never told them what she said because I didn't want to end up being the only one taking care of her as she aged. But now I feel like telling them, probably won't. She probably told them imaginary things about me as well.
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Kailua, my mother never drank. She did have a rather large assortment of pills that she would take daily. Lots of benzo's. My mother was more than just ACOA she was mentally ill. She suffered from a personality disorder as well as severe depression. My father did a very good job caring for her but I think the role he played contributed to her remaining ill and kept her from seeking out help through therapy and just growing as a person. He kept her protected and on a sort of pedestal. It's hard to explain but we were taught at a very early age to protect her. The family revolved around my Mom. Some things I remember being said to me by my father and my Grandparents/Dad's parents were:
"Take care of your Mom."
"Don't upset your Mom."
"Your Mom is having a bad day, so stay in your room and play quietly."
"Your Mom had a bad childhood, so try to make her happy."
There were many unspoken messages as well.
It became our duty to keep Mom happy and healthy. The majority of my childhood was spent walking on eggshells waiting for my Mom to flip out or attempt suicide. She was hospitalized quite frequently. During those times that she was not at home, my father leaned on me for emotional support as well as support to maintain the household. (Cook and clean for the family). When she first came home my job was to babysit and take care of my Mom. When she felt better, enough to take her "mother role" back. My job was back to being the daughter/child who would be sure not to "upset" Mom. That cycle went on and on throughout my childhood. I thought it was normal. I didn't even realize my needs were not being met until much later. I vowed that I would never be that kind of mother.
Unfortunately, in my 40's I became addicted to painkillers and thrusted my own daughter (16) into the care-taking role. Now that I'm in recovery it's so important to me that I never allow that to happen again. I have a 12 year old son and a 9 year old daughter still home with me.
Because my other daughter who was 16 and is now 24 took on the "mother" role, she still seems to own that role with her two siblings. I will not force her back to the childhood role and will respect the role she wishes to take on. I have noticed that since she is becoming more trusting of my recovery she is slowly giving up that role and learning to enjoy her life as a 24 year old college student. This is what I want for her. But I will not force it on her the way I was pushed back into the childhood role. When I was pushed back to the childhood role by my parents I felt used and resentful as well as confused.
I don't know if any of this makes sense but thanks for reading and responding!
Also, Kailua, I do understand why my Mom behaved the way that she did. I do love her. It's just so sad how the cycle of addiction/dysfunction goes on and on in families. (My Mom's father was the alcoholic in her family) It looks like you broke that cycle in your own family. That takes a lot of courage, insight and hard work. I commend you for doing that and you look like a hero in my eyes!
Lenina, thanks for your support. I'm sorry about your Mom and all you had to deal with.
Hugs!
"Take care of your Mom."
"Don't upset your Mom."
"Your Mom is having a bad day, so stay in your room and play quietly."
"Your Mom had a bad childhood, so try to make her happy."
There were many unspoken messages as well.
It became our duty to keep Mom happy and healthy. The majority of my childhood was spent walking on eggshells waiting for my Mom to flip out or attempt suicide. She was hospitalized quite frequently. During those times that she was not at home, my father leaned on me for emotional support as well as support to maintain the household. (Cook and clean for the family). When she first came home my job was to babysit and take care of my Mom. When she felt better, enough to take her "mother role" back. My job was back to being the daughter/child who would be sure not to "upset" Mom. That cycle went on and on throughout my childhood. I thought it was normal. I didn't even realize my needs were not being met until much later. I vowed that I would never be that kind of mother.
Unfortunately, in my 40's I became addicted to painkillers and thrusted my own daughter (16) into the care-taking role. Now that I'm in recovery it's so important to me that I never allow that to happen again. I have a 12 year old son and a 9 year old daughter still home with me.
Because my other daughter who was 16 and is now 24 took on the "mother" role, she still seems to own that role with her two siblings. I will not force her back to the childhood role and will respect the role she wishes to take on. I have noticed that since she is becoming more trusting of my recovery she is slowly giving up that role and learning to enjoy her life as a 24 year old college student. This is what I want for her. But I will not force it on her the way I was pushed back into the childhood role. When I was pushed back to the childhood role by my parents I felt used and resentful as well as confused.
I don't know if any of this makes sense but thanks for reading and responding!
Also, Kailua, I do understand why my Mom behaved the way that she did. I do love her. It's just so sad how the cycle of addiction/dysfunction goes on and on in families. (My Mom's father was the alcoholic in her family) It looks like you broke that cycle in your own family. That takes a lot of courage, insight and hard work. I commend you for doing that and you look like a hero in my eyes!
Lenina, thanks for your support. I'm sorry about your Mom and all you had to deal with.
Hugs!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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The behaviors are very similar to an alcoholic, and hey, pill popping is an addiction in itself. Most addiction of this nature also has an underlying mental illness. You are certainly in the right forum for your questions. My childhood was much like yours. Make mom happy. Don't rock the boat. Be grateful that she keeps a roof over your head (yeah, barely). Be grateful that she bought you things to make up for ruining your credit by maxing out your Visa and not paying you a cent towards the balance. And on and on. I finally had enough when my kids became the focus of some of her worst behavior yet.
And yes, my memories of my childhood differ greatly from my AM's (or most of my family, actually). They swear it was all blissful perfection, but I know better.
And yes, my memories of my childhood differ greatly from my AM's (or most of my family, actually). They swear it was all blissful perfection, but I know better.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Part of my mom's makeup was pill popping too, but always with a prescription. Though she found a couple dozen different doctors to do it and was really out of it. She always cleaned and cooked but never had a nice house, nor did she care about clothes for us. She never spoke to us except to discipline and didn't participate in any school or church functions. She was never happy and had no friends or relatives she cared about. She was a hypochondriac and convinced doctor after doctor to hospitalize her only to find absolutely nothing wrong with her. My alcoholic dad would always believe her because he was too drunk to figure it out or to care. So he would always admonish us to be nice to her and obey her because she wasn't going to be alive next year. She lived a healthy long life to 97.
I never realized how much the pills played a part of her disposition until this thread.
I never realized how much the pills played a part of her disposition until this thread.
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