Thoughtful2

Hi friends

I never realised I was being manipulated by my boyfriend and even I thought I was one step ahead. Wrong! - he always catches me sometimes I am saddened at how smart he is and yet waste this intelligence.
My boyfriend even subtly told me that if I don't come back to him he will get another girlfriend. It hurt me because I love him very much
Now I don't wan to lose him.
I have supported him this far.
Xx

Dee74

Is this the same boyfriend you are 'away from him right now' and have been writing about in other threads Thoughtful?

If it is, you seem very wrapped up in this guy and he doesn't seem to be very nice to you.

I think you deserve better.

D

Thoughtful2

Hi Dee

Yes it is and I just can't see what he is
Just when I have made a decision I connect with him again.
I can't help loving him.
I realise now that I could be the one with the problem

Thank you see for those words xx

ClearMind

Good luck with your situation, Thoughtful.

EndGameNYC

My assuring you that nothing good will come of this union -- as I've either done or suggested on your previous threads -- will clearly have absolutely no impact on what you do.

My best advice is to start getting help for yourself.

silentrun

Sorry Thoughtful. It seems like you already know what he is up to and you know what you have to do. I have been in that situation and it is like our alcoholism it gets progressively worse. He has already gotten angry with you for not wanting to be intimate when he is drunk. He can't do that. Is he jealous also? That should have been the tipoff for me. I couldn't see it until after it was over.

doggonecarl

Yes, you have a problem. And he knows how to exploit it.

Thoughtful2

Endgame
You're right I know, my father drank my uncle drank
In our family we don't go to counsellors or help centres
My mom and I suffered years of emotional and verbal abuse from my dad
But we were not allowed to tell anyone
Everything was secret and it was very hard at times when we needed help
I will figure this out, for my sake I gave to
Xx

Whiterhino24

I am told i manipulate but some times i think i am just being honest about my feelings. I really dont know now when i am manipulating but i get told i am. Something i need to work on i guess.

EndGameNYC

Hello again.

His threatening to "get a new girlfriend" if you don't come back to him is simply another desperate attempt to control you.

The problem is, it seems to work.

I don't think that "figuring this out" on your own is a wise decision, no matter what you ultimately decide to do. You're essentially endorsing and continuing the life-cycle of your family's legacy of secrecy.

Given your personal history, it's no wonder that this despicable human being is so attractive to you.

Save yourself. Get help, and get out.

jdooner

I know nothing about your relationship but I know I only recently learned how to love bc for decades I hated myself so much that it made it impossible to love someone else. We all have issues mine are from childhood, but I often mistook lust for love. I would put myself in relationships that were sadistic bc I didn't believe I was deserving. If this guy is bad for you you may want to look into why you keep returning to him - perhaps you like me hate yourself and feel that you don't deserve better? Coincidentally this also was a big reason for my alcoholism and drug abuse - I was subconsciously trying to commit suicide slowly, despite having so much.

I am just sharing my experience which revealed these issues, I have no idea if they apply but thought I would point out - they were not obvious at first.

Thoughtful2

That is very sad story I am glad you now have found some happiness
I understand a little because I feel that I don't deserve better I actually feel better when I am used. This us not just in relationships but with family and friends too.
I feel I should be at everyone's beck and call and be happy about it. It's a very strange feeling as if you are on the outside looking in. I built these walls around me thinking I wasn't supposed to have a life for my sake
I now realise I see myself in my boyfriend
However mean he has been he has these moments where he will be there fir evetyone except himself then, I am sure he will feel empty and want to numb that feeling.
Thank you for sharing this with me it has made me realise the problem I have. It was very considerate of you and it has helped me realise how I need to value myself more than I do.


God bless and good health xx
I

EndGameNYC

Many of us carry the delusion that if we are needed, if we make ourselves indispensable or irreplaceable to others, then they will not hurt us and cannot leave us. The same distorted thought process applies to what folks refer to as "people pleasing." If I sacrifice myself and my life for other people, they won't hurt me...In the case of alcoholism and people pleasing, if I anticipate and take care of their needs, they won't trouble me about my drinking.

That's the big lie.

If we pull for abuse and criticism from others -- no matter how well meaning we may be -- we usually get abuse and criticism.