DoubleDragons

Hi, all. My mother is an alcoholic. Throughout my life both of my parents and my extended family were heavy drinkers, but in the last 10-15 years my mother has turned into a full-blown alcoholic. The last year has been the worst, with my father calling my sister and I right before last year's Christmas to complain of my mother's many benders. They then showed up to my Superbowl party an hour late with my mother obviously under the heavy influence of alcohol. Mother's Day was a disaster as my parents showed up at a lovely restaurant to meet up with my family (I have four children) at 2 pm and my mother was hammered. She fell into a potted plant and could barely speak. The good that came out of that event is that I finally attended some Alanon meetings and I also came to the conclusion that I no longer wanted to drink alcohol as I never wanted to turn into her, so I have been sober since September.

The latest terrible event happened this month. My parents were supposed to meet us at a restaurant for my son's birthday and then go to a Holiday choral concert at my daughter's elementary school. However, when I spoke to her at 8:30 that morning, she was wasted. I disinvited my parents to both events because I didn't want to be tied in knots wondering what shape she would be in when they arrived. Also, while I get that I cannot control her drinking, I am sick of enabling it and looking the other way. I feel like I am helping her kill herself when I pretend nothing is wrong. Of course, I went through the wrath of hell standing up to them (16 missed calls on my cell phone alone), but I did stick to my guns. The next day, she tried to act like nothing happened. When I called her out on it, and said that there would be no more drunkedness or abuse in front of me or my family, she immediately asked if she could still have cocktails at Christmas as long as she wasn't drunk.

Christmas is at their house this year and they have all sorts of events planned. She probably will hold it together for these events because they are important to her, but she pretty much is plastered by late evening every evening. My father talks a good game with me, but then does a 180 and on the very day that I disinvited them, tells me that my mother never drinks during the day. He is the classic enabler who likes his evening cocktails, too. I think he thinks he can "control" her drinking until he can't.

I had lunch with a friend who has known me for 25 years today. She knows my mom drama and was sympathetic to me but then kind of downplayed it and made me feel kind of guilty for not letting them come to my daughter's show.

I am not sure what I even want by posting here. It just helps to get support from others who really understand. The Alanon groups I attended were helpful but seemed more geared to spouses of alcoholics. I had the sense that some people felt like, "Just get over it already. You don't live with her." My sister agrees with me but she lives out of town and she and her husband are heavy drinkers, so she doesn't really want to deal with it. I feel so alone with this burden.

Thanks for reading.

Dee74

Your friend may be well meaning, but she's not in the middle of this situation and I doubt very much she's seen the things you've seen, or experienced the disappointments you've experienced with your parents.

I said it at the time and I'll say it again. You did the right thing.

You put your kids first.
They have happy memories now of the night and that's priceless

D

greeteachday

It sounds like you are establishing a healthy boundary for you and your family that you will not be around your mom when she is drinking. I'm sure your folks don't like it, but as you stand firm, they will eventually learn acceptance.

I've found that the boundary has to be for me - It's not going to help anyone if I establish a boundary in hopes of changing my addicted loved one. Your actions may not change your mom, but you and your family will feel so much less anxious and will be able to enjoy special times together without the stress.

Perhaps you may want to consider an "escape" plan for Christmas where you stay only until the situation becomes uncomfortable if she is drinking. A plan for something special to do at home may help get the children's buy in when you believe it is time to go.

I hope your holidays are peaceful!

patientlywaitin

What you did took courage and you shouldn't feel guilty for it. You love your parents but when it comes down to it your kids come first. Imagine all the bad things that could have happened... Not only are you setting a healthy boundary for yourself but your teaching your kids at the same time, you didn't have a choice growing up but you do now.

One thing that my rah and I made clear to family and friends was that we wouldn't be present at get togethers (outside of our home) that involved alcohol. If they want us to come they can abstain for a while. Visits during the early afternoon have worked best so far. However there is no alcohol allowed in our home whatsoever. We live out of state and don't have much face to face time with them so it's not that difficult.

Cheer up! Your doing the right thing. Your kids will thank you for sparing them the embarrassment, anxiety, worry and stress.

FireSprite

I don't think you can ever go wrong by putting your kids first. In truth, we don't have a lot of options in dealing with the dysfunction of others around us - we can detach, minimize our exposure by limiting the time we spend together or go no contact altogether. It really is ALL we CAN do. If I can't affect a change in the person afflicted (& I know I can't, I have zero control) then I can only work on making changes for me & my kid to protect us from the impact. The bonus is that we get to show the kids how to create & stick to healthy boundaries!!