LoserFaceTosh

Hi everyone! I am new to this, so I hope i am doing this right? My name is Tosh (,and i am an addict?) So anyways, I have been clean now for over a year. So I guess like everyone else life gets to me here and there. I am going to share my experiences, so you can understand the source of my uneasiness. So, I guess I will have to go back quite a bit. My parents used just about any drug they could get their hands on for as long as I can remember. They went through different phases of coke, crank, alcohol, opiates, yada yada yada. They were not picky. So as a child living through this, I have always been affected by drugs, even though I didnt partake in the act myself. I have been beaten, raped, neglected. (when I say neglected i am talking my mom left me, homeless, took off to a different state while my dad was in jail, when i was 13) long story short my childhood was hell. I do not feel sorry for myself, nor do i search for pitty. I have overcome these battles within myself, and i now realize this made me who i am. Im not afraid to talk about this anymore, and while it was extremely difficult, i have come to terms with it and forgiven. So this, in turn, became my platform for what i never wanted to be. i told myself i have bigger obligations to fill. one of my outlets of pain was drawing. i was doing it so much that i became very good at it. I developed a very high skill. My senior year of high school i earned a competitive scholarship. moved away, and went to college. this was an extremely big deal to me because i never had anything growing up. i rode the school bus til this last day. my clothes were raggedy. i NEVER brought any friends home, 1 i didnt have many to begin with and 2 the trailer we lived in was awful. i could look outside through the walls without looking through a window or door. we did not have heat. so i went to college wit my scholarship, graduated with awards and honors. I had no other choice but to move back home. This is where my seemingly rags to riches story falls straight into the crapper. My ex high school sweetheart came back into my life. prior to this he had joined the military to help him distance himself from meth, which i had no idea about this until a year after he joined. we tried the long distance thing for 3 years and it failed. he spent his remaining 3 years of service and got out and came home around the same time i graduated college. things ended on good terms, and we still loved each other, its just that a relationship over the phone is hard. When we reunited it seemed like a dream come true. soon after i became pregnant. to me, this was a sign from my higher power, that this is the person i am supposed to be with. things financially got rough and we moved in with my parents. he started using the drugs with them. this was unsettling to me but i accepted it. i had my son and post pardom depression set in hard. i literally had a nervous breakdown and all the bad things that happened to me made me sink. i was hospitalized against my will in a mental facility for a week. when i was released, i started taking opiates. i guess my state of thinking was that if i couldnt beat em join em. So now, not only does my husband has a nasty addiction, so do i. we have this newborn. we got back on our feet and moved out but continued the drug use. i was working 3rd shift and one night i started bleeding and hurting really bad. my son was 6 months old so it wasnt that. i went to the e.r. and the doctor asks me if i knew i was pregnant and second that i was miscarrying. i had no idea. this was scary. even though i knew it was wrong, and i wanted to quit doing the drugs, i didnt. my husband and i started having marital issues because of our conflicting addictions. my son and i moved back into my parents place, where my addiction escalated. my dad fed me this stuff. it got to where i cried myself to sleep every night because i wanted to stop but couldnt. i was hurting my babies. i became the one thing i had tried to set out not to be. my parents. its hard to swallow and i felt guilty, remorseful, shameful, empathetic, hopeless, and helpless. i did it anyway. one day, my mom and i went to this lady's house to clean it for our fix that day. i left my son who was 11 months old at the time, at home with my dad. when we got home, my dad and his friend had the living room torn apart and was acting hysterical. when i asked what was wrong, my dad completely ignored me. i asked a few more times and his friend finally tells me that they left a sub. out and my son may have eaten it. my son had just started walking and was into everything so it wasnt hard to believe. we all knew this and tried to baby proof to an extent. my dad refused and he would say "this is my house and i will do what i want." immediately i picked my son up and started looking him over. i kept screaming we got to get him to the hospital now! everyone kept telling me no no no what if he didnt take it, and i was trying to tell them, well what if he did? i took him outside and we sat down in the grass. 10 minutes later he starts nodding out. he stops breathing and loses consciousness and there is nothing i can do to wake him. they drove me to the er and left. the nurse rips him out of my arms and 3 police officers got in my face interrogating me. i know they were doing their job, an infant was injured and could possibly die from someone's neglect. i get this and expected nothing less. the doctor tells me that we have to go to another hospital for specialized treatment, which was an hour away. when we got there he was admitted into the pediatric intensive care unit. this was the worst day of my life. He had so so so much stuff sticking out of him. he had respiratory failure. luckily he survived this. the doctor told us if he hadnt made it to treatment even minutes later, he would have died. the hospital we took him to first didnt do anything for him and he didnt get medicine into him until we made it to the second hospital. i can never express into words what that night was like for me. i will never forget walking into picu for the first time. god if the feelings i had with our situation and my son wasnt bad enough, just walking through the pediatric icu was omg. mind you this section of the hospital looks like a baby nursery, that just adds to the sadness. here im walking through and see babies that could fit in the palm of your hand, babies in incubators, tubes sticking out of every orpheous and then some, babies with physically noticeable deformities, and were born with and never asked for these problems. then here we walk in, i have this beautiful, healthy full sized baby boy, that was put here at the hands of someone else, who this never shouldve happened to, and he shouldnt even be here in the first place. I had never been more scared or more embarrassed in my entire life and i have seen some troubles let me tell you. even more sad was the fact that all these messed up babies, most of which were no parents in sight. i never left my son's side. i didnt go out to smoke. this was a huge awakening for me. that night me my husband and my parents stood over my dying son and made a pact to stop doing drugs. this was it. i am the only one who has honored this pact. i was blessed. the social worker saw the goodness in me and gave me a second chance. oh, and lets not forget that by this time i am 7 months very pregnant. all this time i had been using drugs. as such, in fear of being drug tested and getting in trouble, i did not see an obgyn. a week after this, i seen a doctor. omg did they let me have it, (they didnt know of the situation) because not only was i pregnant but this was a high risk pregnancy. they took an emergency ultrasound and the actual doctor himself did it instead of the tech. when i heard him say baby is actually surprisingly perfect i just started crying. i also found out for the first time it was a girl. i was so happy and i knew i was blessed. i know i didnt deserve such good news and i am extremely grateful that it was. so anyways, we did not see my husband for months at a time. he was still using. he would show up out of the blue drunk or messed up, wanting to take my son. i refused to let him. now i firmly believe that if a father wants to be involved in a child's life by all means let him but my point was that you are not dui with my kid! sorry, you shouldnt be driving in the first place, and you know this is stupid. a few of those and i got served with papers several months later. i had already been clean for several months, was attending meetings on a regular basis, had a sponsor and a drug counselor, and was overall pretty happy. when we went to court for the first time, the court ordered me to let him take my son and now also daughter (he didnt even come to see her and she was already 2 months now) and my lawyer and i were granted our request for a hair follicle test and home visits from cps. he came and got the kids and 3 hours later calls me asking me to take them back. i came and got them. later he starts texting me about how he doesnt want a divorce and how he wants to be sober and asking me for help. so i invited im over to talk. we reconciled under the grounds that in order for me to help and to stay together, that we would have to face a life of sobriety together. this was a mutual agreement. here as of late i have been noticing signs here and there, then i actually caught him at it. first i found a rolled up dollar bill in the console of the car that still crushed pill falling off of it, then i found crushed pill on his possession. i have tried everything i know to do. this time i was just going for the you know what, you win, i dont give a f*** anymore approach this time. i find it difficult because of our pact. all this time i have been trying so hard to make my kid's life a drug free environment as much as possible and here he is bringing it right back into it. i just remember that night and what my son went through and it makes me sick to my stomach. seeing my son lay there with all off that crap jabbed into him is forever burned into my memory and i get repulsed by the drugs. dont get me wrong, i try not to judge others, and in fact if anything i get it more now, but that doesnt mean its for everyone. thats not the thing to do or have around small kids. i just dont get why it didnt do the same for him. i just cannot wrap my head around that one. i mean this is his son too. i missed that one? i feel like we have been cheated. i know we need to accept things we cannot change but this one is really hard. even though i know this is not what i should be thinking i find myself asking why cant i change that one thing. i have tried explaining this to him but deep down i know he isnt listening. or at least if he is he chooses to ignore it. i know with that of which he is going through he cant hear and one sure could not think rationally. i know these things but it doesnt mean its easy. im very confused, conflicted, angry, hurt, empathetic, i feel betrayed and cheated, all at the same time.........

Raider

Whoa. That was a tough read. Your husband is sick, very sick. He doesn't prefer drugs over his family, he is just really sick. You know in your heart, you cannot control this situation. I'm sorry. But it's up to him to get clean. His decision, his time frame, his deal.

You'll have to pattern your decisions around that reality. Prayers to you. So sorry all that sh$t happened growing up. That truly breaks my heart. Much love to you. I would hug you I could.

Dee74

Thanks for sharing your story Tosh, and welcome

I always believe that childrens well being should come first, as our own. It doesn't sound to me like you're in the ideal situation there - especially in the light of past events.

What are you planning to do?

D

LoserFaceTosh

wow that was fast and thanks for posting! (sorry, i tried to re-edit to make it easier to read, but no luck) god do i know this all too well. like, i get it, but i dont you know? one thing that kind of bothers me is that he came to me, he asked me for help, and now i feel like i am just dragging him by his shirt collar through this which isnt right, for either o us. i guess i feel like i cant help if i am the only one making the effort. i have tried every different approach i can think of.
one thing though, is tat i have quit going to meetings. so glad i found this cuz you guys are awesome. i have asked sooooo many times for him to go with me, but he wont(whic i get this too) i remember being new to it and thinking there is no way these people knew anything about this. but it took one time. changed me forever and i know it would do the same for him its just getting him to that first one. but then again i think it could be pointless also if he is just lying to himself

LoserFaceTosh

sorry for the misspellings, my kids like to beat my keyboard so sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt

LoserFaceTosh

idk what to do yet. i guess this has taught me that i need to focus on my own battles and fight for happiness. right now i have been trying to keep my mind busy. it looks like hobby lobby threw up all over my house right now. and listening to music. if i had a song that expressed exactly my feelings now it would be marilyn manson's cover of "terrible lie" idk, i need to figure out something bc these conflicts in my head are keeping me awake. i havent slept all week

KateL

Well done for getting well, especially with all that has gone wrong in your life. Kudos to you. Look after you and your kids. It's a shame your partner is unwell, but he has to want to get better really, it's not your fault. I hope you find some answers here x

Notimetoloose

Hi Tosh, you are certainly one amazing woman, with all you had been through as a kid to go on to college on a scholarship, you really are amazing.

I read your story and can only image that it had to be nice to get it all out.

I am sure that you love your boyfriend very much and you would have more insight than most people because of your history. It is very hard to see what is happening when we are so invested in our relationship.

Support groups are great, Narcotics Anonymous or Nar-Anon are there and would have a great list of resources. Also, information about healthy boundaries, communication, strategies for coping and offer face to face support.

Take care of yourself and your kids..
.

LoserFaceTosh

thanks for commenting guys, really. i find it helpful. this is my first time sharing. so thanks for making this a good experience. im really not one to moan and complain. it seems every time i start feeling really good about things, i reach the end of my rope. almost like this sick demon yanks my tight leash and says, ha ha were do you think you're going? i hate this because god, i love this person, with all of me. it seems i know all the right things to do and say to other people, but when it comes to him, i am baffled. god it sucks. i am so freaking stressed. so much that my freaking hair is falling out! i am 24 years old, but i feel like i am 40! i just want the best for my kids, like everyone else. i just couldnt fathom that him being gone as a solution. god i dont want that. he needs my help and i just dont know how. god knows i have tried. i kind of feel like he has been leaving these obvious cues as a cry for help. i feel the best thing for me to do is to leave it be. let him do it on his own. im not wrong about this am i? i mean he is the only one that can make this decision, and i cant do it for him. whats the point in me getting hurt feelings when he fails? am i selfish for feeling this way? i didnt really address this either, i showed him the proof i had, asked him what it was, and that was it. i did not yell at him or cry to him. i just let him know that i know, and that i am not happy about it and feel let down, but that i am here for support if he needs it, but i also let him know that i am not going to let this ruin me anymore. this is not going to ruin my happiness anymore. like i said, i did not yell or judge or cry, i let him know these things over a matter of days. but even still though, even though this is what i am trying to portay this, this is not how i feel inside. i feel quite opposite and it hurts really bad.

LoserFaceTosh

i am actually good friends with his mother and she knows the situation. she tells me all of the time that she thanks god her son has me in his life. i love and respect her very much. she keeps telling me dont give up on my son, he will fail without you, which i think is a nice gesture, but i also think this is unfair for her to say. she has never been through this before, and god i love her to pieces dont get me wrong. my husbands biological father has the same issue and hasnt been sober for years and she tells me she couldnt do it. she tells me i am stronger than she couldve been. i am thankful to have her in my life, but she really doesnt have a clue.

Mizzuno

He does not need your help in the way that you think. The best thing that you can do to help him, your children, and yourself is to remove yourself from this situation with your children and never look back. Never. It is up to this young man to straighten out his life. It is up to you to straighten out your life and take care of your two children. The previous experience with your son in the hospital can take place again if you allow a person to use drugs in your home. We all have our own personal battles, and his drug use is his battle. I do understand your situation all too well. My mother was your mother. My father was a raging alcoholic, drug abuser..... The best thing that I ever did in my life was to walk away from these people and never look back. You have a college education that can be utilized. You have a lot going for you. Two children. You are very young still. This type of love that you have for this young man comes with a heavy price. One that can get your children taken away from you if there are drugs in the home. I do not judge you and I commend you for stopping the drugs and getting yourself together. However, you still have a lot of work to do. Let him go and do what he needs. Take care of you and those kids. Maybe get some counseling. I do understand. I really do. If you let it be, then you are making the decision to allow harm to come to you and your children. Not to sound harsh but you have to make decisions that will benefit you and your children. Please do the right thing for you and your children.

NA
Counseling
Social Service programs
Half way house to get on your feet
Any resource that you can use, use it. It is there for you.


You are not a loser face. I dont like your screen name. It implies negative thinking and will keep you in a place of thinking negatively. How about Tosh the Amazing!

LoserFaceTosh

this is EXACTLY the conflict in my head that I am talking about. You nailed it. I understand what you are saying. I did the same with my parents. I walked away and never looked back. (which sucks because i was just getting to know and love my mom) But, you know. These babies should come first. my son is now 2 and my daughter 1. Just to let you know how blessed I really am, and by no means am i bragging, i am just saying god is a good god... i did herione until i was 7 MONTHS PREGNANT! and she, who just turned 1, is already walking talking and even potty training already. i know every parent thinks their kid is a genius but she really is, im sorry i am just pouring my eyes out right now. god i am so so so thankful and grateful for that. i guess thats why him doing this is a huge slap in the face. reading everyone's posts and me own even, i feel like i can stand on the outside and look in. of course i see something i always have, if losing your infant child didnt wake you up, i kind of doubt anything else on this planet will. its not the truth i want to face but the cold hard truth at that. you are absolutely right and i dont think its harsh. its fact, one i need to deal with. my worst fear is for this to happen again. ever. out of everything that was the worst $*** i have ever been through. i need to take what god has given me and be happy and thankful that its wasnt a whole f-ing lot worse because it could have been and i know that. yeah i had a messed up childhood but i did learn from it, it made me the caring loving person i am now. it also made me strong and drove me to do better. my childhood, or lack there of made me look forward to motherhood. i wasnt sure how to be or do, but i know exactly what not to be or do. i always wanted to show my (back the future) a life of love and peace, and i need to stick to that. I need to start getting support again. i think this is a first step and also key. thanks everybody for the love and support. i think i am starting to see the big picture now. it is scary as all get out too.

LoserFaceTosh

oh and the loserfacetosh thing i know sounds bad but this was actually from a comic from mine, and my friend's comic back in middle school. i kind of like it.

LoserFaceTosh

it wasa happier memory i hold

LoserFaceTosh

honestly, i dont even know if he realizes that this has made me cry, or pour my heart out

Mizzuno

Yes, walking away from all of that hell that you went through with your parents, and continued to go through living with them as an adult, was the best thing that you could have done considering the circumstances. There is not much difference in what your partner is showing you and those kids. It may not be that all of you are in a trailer, with no food, no heat, and no doors.... but his addiction and your parents addiction are one in the same. If his actions are to use and your actions are to maintain your sobriety while caring for your babies, then the two do not mesh well together. It does hurt big time to lose the ones that you love to a horrible addiction. Losing in the way of the loved ones being removed from your life because they choose drugs over living. Losing in the way of having to say NO, and not letting anything come between you and that decision. You are light years ahead of this crap. You deserve to be healthy, happy, fed, warm, loved, and cared for. You do not deserve to repeat a cycle that was shown to you. It is you that will stop this cycle and only you.

I see your story in my own. I have been on my own since 13. I barely made it out alive. I am not one to talk too much of these troubles other than to say that my parents were addicted to drugs and alcohol. The aftermath of their using has taken me years to recover from and learn from. At its worst, there was no food, water, clothes, money, love.....There was nothing. All of the child support that was supplied to my mother (my parents divorced) was spent on meth, and I believe on Heroin, but I will never know the full extent. I had a mom and step father that shot up the worst drug, and a biological father that drank himself into blackout nightly. Needless to say the cards were stacked up against me. Is that even a saying? My point is that I was the only one who was going to make a difference in my life. Period. You are doing just that. However, when it comes to this young man and his addiction, you are in danger of relapse and your children are in danger as well.

I am not my parents in many respects and neither are you, but I did not make it out without having my own addiction issues. I am an alcoholic. You are recovering from a heroin addiction. I learned to trust myself and to trust no one else. This survival tactic does not serve me well now that I am 33 and married. I am having to relearn a lot. I do daily. The thing about this is that without walking away from all of it, I would not be who I want to be in this world. There is inter-generational dysfunction that takes place within families. (One reason as to why I do not and will not have children). I have seen it it my own family, and I am sure this is happening in yours. Ya, you learned from your childhood. What not to do and all that. You should not have even had to learn it. Period. It sucks. This is not what you need as a young woman starting her life. Seriously, if you are not pissed off about any of it, I will be for you. I get it though. There is no use in crying over that Sh##, but the anger will do anyone a little good when they are fighting for their lives.

In closing, (sorry for the diatribe) you have to stop this addiction that keeps popping up in your life. If it is not your partner, your parents or your own, this using is showing up in different colors and forms. Your children are a blessing. Cherish them and cherish yourself. Get some support on your side, and know that you are never alone. It is up to you how you want to live. It sounds like you are making the right decisions. Please continue to do so. Do not think for one moment that it is your job or duty to take care of this young man. It is not your job. His mother has laid a heavy emotional guilt trip on you that you do not have to take on. You need to take care of you and he needs to take care of himself. He seems to be doing that, Ya? Please watch out for those babies and watch out for yourself. When we learn to take care of ourselves in the proper ways, we can then truly be there for others. This is your life.

(Now that I have been given the reason behind your name, I get it. I still think Tosh the Amazing is good. Or, AMAZING FACE TOSH)

LoserFaceTosh

i respect you a whole lot for being real with me its what i really needed. I see that you are one in the same. I readover my own posts and was just thinking to myself god that is stupid. I know better. Posting allowed me to see it, and i guess organize this crap. I am coping the only way I know how, which probably isn't healthy. I listen to music. Sad f-ing music. Somehow, I find comfort here. And defacing my image. I shave my head, which i did this time too. People ask me- you are such a beautiful girl, why do you do this to yourself? (I'm the chick with the mohawk) Most girls try to show their beauty, I hide mine. I'm getting off subject here but I really don't express my emotions even though i am very in tune and they run really deep. I guess it is my way of showing what is on the inside without having to explain it. You would think after being together for 8 years my husband would pick up on this. But,anyhow, it's hard, because I grew up with this person. His family is my family. When I had NOTING and I mean NOTHING, I had him. Never in a million years would I have ever thought he would ever be the problem. EVER. But I know what I need to do now. This is not the crap I want my kids around. I have expressed this to him several times, and while I understand why, he doesn't hear me anymore. God bless I have tried everything to show him. But I have been there too, and I know I am just wasting my time. I know. And in being there before, really, I dont get why it's so hard for me. I get mad at myself. I really do. I haven't nor do I plan to, but I just want to scream at him so bad- WHAT THE F HAPPENED TO YOU? What I am about to say will probably make some people mad but. So here recently I was listening to Nirvana on the net and his suicide letter came up. I never involved myself with these kinds of things, but I read it out of curiosity. Reading this was so frightfully chilling to me because it was like reading my own thoughts. So now, here I am looking through his past and realized this person is just like me! He dealt with the same kind of crap I went through basically. It really didn't dawn on me until i was watching the news report of his death and it hit me like a sack of bricks.We all know he was notorious for his heroine addiction. He was going through divorce, they were caught up with social services with their 2 y/o daughter, he he felt guilty about the drug use. anyways a few days later after he runs away from the rehab center he goes home shots up his last fix and blows his brains out. Now i never gave this much thought before, I remember telling my mom the first week of sobriety that this is what i wanted to do and I didnt know this about him at that time. IDK seeing this was like seeing myself. Honestly, I really dont know why i didnt blow my head off because god knows that is certainly what i wanted to do more than anything. I know this sounds really selfish, but thats what it was like, and i think everyone here can relate to this. Italk of these things to my mother in law (I dont tell this to anyone else, for obvious reasons, until now) but she is a christian woman, she listens to me, and she believes that this was god's way of showing me something. That god knows how to speak to us, and this was his way of speaking to me. But anyways this situation puts me right back to that freaking place. I am not going to blow my head off and I am not going to hurt myself, this is not what I am talking about. I know i am the only one who is going to look after my kids. But these feelings are back again. I dwell a whole lot too. I try not to, but i have done this ever since i was a child. I dont know any other way. Another thing too before I go, is that i got in a counselor i really liked and i found a meeting in my town i really like that meets once a week. I live in a small town. It took me months to find and itis an AA .I like it. I found a sponsor and got a book, but after i reconciled our marriage, i gradually quit going and i didnt follow through. which i know is really dumb. I regret this now that I need help and support. Thank you all for your support like I cannot stress how much this has helped i really cant. You all are so very awesome and kind, and even if it is just for a few minutes you all have made me feel better and put a smile on my face.

LoserFaceTosh

I started drawing a portrait of kurt cobain to hang on my wall, sort of like a reminder that things could have A LOT worse. I keep coming back here going through this wondering if schizophrenia could be an issue.... Just one of those scary thoughts I just had. Talk about guilt trip, you are not even kidding. That's what I meant by her being unfair. After I read that my brother in law came to visit me out of the blue to talk about things with his brother. STRANGE. So this lets me know that my husband does know I am very upset and is afraid that I am going to pack the kids up and leave. I think he put his brother up to this. I just thought I would add this. Talk about unfair. I still know what is right though. this did not change my point of view. So I guess my question is this: How do I convince them that he is the one that needs to change, not me? I don't have to put up with this. He has everyone convinced that he needs this and that I am just freaking out. I try to tell them (because they don't understand this) that as addicts, we feel guilty about what we are doing not only to ourselves but to people we love. In an attempt to feel better about the situations, we think of excuses as a way to justify our wrong doings. But they don't believe me. He has convinced them all that he is doing no wrong! Of course, they have never been in our shoes. I remember telling my husband this when he tried to feed me this crap: You know what my justification was for using? That if I didn't stop, I would miscarry from withdrawals. I told him that his excuses sound just as stupid to me.

LoserFaceTosh

Seriously i am tired of this!

Mizzuno

Tosh,
I was a teen when Kurt Cobain decided to take his life. His mental issues stem way deeper than just being an H addict. You know what I think of him? He was a person that took the easy way out instead of dealing with his problems. He thought that ending his life was more appropriate, and he left behind a child that needs a father. He is not a man to be put on a shrine and cherished. His contributions to society were of deep depression and self loathing. You are only similar in the way of possibly being depressed, and having a heroin addiction that you are recovering from. Nirvana's music was a great time for some. Being in my thirties now, I can see that he took a road that was all too easy. Its a shame. I guess I am older and see that he did not live up to his obligations. He glamorized a punk rock heroin addicted life. Not all that cool, in my opinion. I think he could have done a lot more had he dealt with his problems.

If you can, please go back to your meetings. Get in touch with your sponsor. Live strait edge. Do the right thing for you and your children. Keep it simple. Once again, you are not here to take care of another adult. Being that you are an adult now, you need to take care of yourself in the proper ways. I know this is easier said than done. You are very intelligent. The right decisions will come to you. Keep talking. Keep posting. You are the one that can promote change. All this energy focused on your husband can be put elsewhere, like you and the children. Thanks for opening up.