Acheleus

Well I am at the house of one parent I have left who ruined his life with alcohol. He still drinks, is in a bad mood early in the day, then all of a sudden is ****** up later. He seemed irritated when I went to a meeting for the second night in a row. He went to the bar and does not listen to me when I tell him about recovery. He hangs around lowlife alcoholics and lives alone at 73.


I am 38 days sober and trying to relax on xmas break but I feel so anxious here because I hate being around alcohol and he does not understand my recovery. That I quit drinking makes him uncomfortable, I think deep down he knows he is an alcoholic. Should I leave? I feel like I have no family except this person, my gf left me a year ago, and I am going to meetings every night but still cannot sleep at night and feel horrible anxiety. I am thinking I should leave but I felt worse all alone. Advice?

Inca

Put yourself and your sobriety first so whatever you need to do to protect your sobriety, that is what I would do.

Raider

Only you know how much you can take. I feel sorry for your Dad. I'm sorry for you too. Do what you need to do. I don't have any advice.

Dee74

I thought you had planned to spend Christmas doing AA things Ach?

D

Acheleus

I thought it would help me feel better to get away. I am going to meetings. Maybe I should just go back home. Being here makes me want to drink.

Dee74

what about going home, but making sure you connect with sober people over the break?

Acheleus

I felt bad where I live. I call my sponsor everyday. All I want is peace. I am supposed to move furniture for three hours tomorrow and I came down here to relax. Being aroind my father makes me want to kill myself. I cannot even sleep.

PurpleKnight

I know exactly the feelings, I can't recall a day when my dad didn't drink, he'd go to the pub every day and drink wine in the house after work until he went to bed blacked out, his addiction ended in a massive stroke.

At the time when I reached my mid 20's I knew I needed to create a relationship with him, I guess it was that time in life when you realise your parents aren't going to be around for ever, but meeting up with my dad always meant in a bar, or for a drink, it was never for a coffee or go around his house and just chat.

I knew shortly after that he was never going to change, he didn't want to change and that is the most important thing in recovery, I therefore had to make the best of the situation! we didn't really develop the father/son relationship I set out to achieve, but then we had something more than when I was in my early 20's!

Sobriety should come first, don't compromise that for anyone or anything, but at the same time realising that your dad is unlikely change and so make a plan with this in mind!

Marcher13

Acheleus I am sorry to hear that you didn't go through with your plans to study over your Christmas break and involve yourself in AA activities on Christmas Day. Could you return to those plans?

I'd urge you to think carefully about where the support is for your sobriety and to cultivate the people who can help you. If you hoping for some utopian family/girlfriend relationship you are going to make yourself very unhappy and place your sobriety at risk.

It seems to me you have a lot going for you:
* you have somewhere to live and work that is safe and warm;
* you have your graduate study and the year is half over;
* you have your teaching work;
* you have safe places to walk which you enjoy;
* you can have coffee and people watch in spare time;
* you have an AA group to meet with and young people's meetings;
* you are over a month sober;
* you have medical support and medication for your needs;
* you have SR where you get a lot of support; and
* you have a future ahead of you where you will step out as a sober recovered young professional person.

Look at the positives Acheleus, there are many.

tazbo

Sounds ruff. Just remember. You are your first priority. You have to take care of yourself first and others are secondary. Some people can be around drinkers and others can not. If you can't. Run. I have a friend that will not go to partys if there is drinking. I suspect he attends very few partys. Good luck.

TucTee

Spend as much time as possible out of the house. That way, you can craft your own ideal environment during the day and evening. When you get home, it'll be too late to have much interaction with your father (I'm presuming from your post he's your father). You get the company you want and the freedom to pursue sobriety.

Hawkeye13

I couldn't stand to be around my alcoholic mother during holidays Ach.
Her drinking always got much worse and the irony of the misery and lies
during the "happy family time" always made me ache inside.

So go home and start the reading list for your Spring classes and get a jump on the term. Make your daily teaching syllabus and get the first month or two prepped.
Do AA activities and stay around sober people. Exercise.

Are you sticking to taking your meds as prescribed?
I know it is really tempting when you are on holiday to let things slide a bit,
but not a good idea if so.

Please take care and keep us posted. You are building a better man,
but it takes time and hard work.

You can do it. Great job on the sobriety!

anyistoomuch

Ache - you have made an effort to be with your father and share some time, and perhaps it is time to go back to your own life and your own plans. He is not going to change, and you are picking up that he is irritated by your recovery....so that is a sign that he is perhaps not going to change his ways right now. I'd give him a hug and tell him that you are going home.

Don't sabotage yourself and your sobriety by trying to rekindle some sort of family feeling when it isn't there, and probably won't be there ever the way you are hoping. Sometimes the hardest thing we have to do is accept that we have some "orphaned feelings" and step into our adult self and soldier on.

You have tools to make your life what you want it to be. Embrace it. hugs.

Acheleus

Ok I am going to wash clothes and then head back home. I hate to think of school, I just am burned out, but today is 39 days and I went to a meeting last night. It just hurts that my dad would rather go to a bar than spend time together.

Dee74

I spent years looking for approval respect or even just friendship from my father.
It just wasn't there...I'm a lot happier and more at peace since I accepted that.

I stopped blaming myself for that Ach...and resenting him for it too..

Do you think you need to see the Dr or therapist again Ach? you seem pretty unhappy again.

D

Acheleus

I cannot see professionals due to lack of funds. Getting sober takes a lot out of me. The only time I ever thought I was happy was when I drank with a cigarette, letting my worries fade away. But I am feeling tired all the time, even after sleeping. I hope my body is healing. I feel like I have nowhere to go, and I feel like no one wants me around. But I want me around.

Dee74

I hope you can find a way to get some professional help again soon Ach - from an outsiders perspective I think you do best when you have that

D

JaylaaKent

For me seeing how someone acts while drinking spurs me AWAY from drinking. Try to pray to your higher power for love and tolerance for your family. Know that they do not have the gifts you have (or will develop) of being a higher being. You being there sober might be a reminder of how much of a problem he really has. Just focus that the situation is NOT permanent - this is not the rest of your life. Especially if you stay sober

Acheleus

Something strange is going on. My father is talking on the phone behind closed doors, he is drinking in his room, and he keeps asking me if I am going to meetings. I feel so stupid for coming here, I hate my life and family and no one listens to me when I tell them I quit drinking. If I did drink he would yell at me, but when I do not drink he acts like I am in the way.

Tiptree

Ach - it sounds like a really tough situation and I feel for you having been in a similar situation myself when I was younger. 39 days is awesome though, don't let this temporary situation get you off track. I hope you can find a safe space and some peace during your visit and then get back to the sanity of your sober life. Your Dad is not be able to hear you right now, but we do, and we applaud you.