KittieMeme

Hi, I am am mom of 5. One is an alcholic. He is 31 and is a dad to one, an eight year old boy and a new baby coming in 8 weeks.
I am here for help. For me, for my son, for my sanity. He blames me for his drinking, tells me I taught him how. I will admit that I did drink, but not till he was almost 18 years old. I have always held a job. I have been at my last job for 12 years. We have been through a lot. His father is an alcholic, abusive to both of us. I divorced him 20+ years ago, but not soon enough. So here I am...trying to grasp at help for us. I am overwhelmed with him. his bullying and do not know what to do. Help!

Dee74

Hi KittieMeme

I'm an alcoholic and I firmly believe noones to blame for my drinking but me.

I know there are grandkids involved but do you really need to subject yourself to bullying?

Have you thought about AlAnon for yourself? There's a lot of support there - and in our Friends and Family forums too

KateL

I have a bullying daughter who drinks too much and is bi polar. She is lovely sometimes but when she is off on a moody, I am to blame for everything of course. Firstly, I had to make myself strong and convince myself that her problems were not my fault. I tried my best with her and her father left us, had a new family and abandoned her (does not contact her at all) So that has been tough on her. I have to ride with it and let her rant at times, at least she doesn't live with me. She is seeing her doctor and doing something about her problems now fortunately, but this has taken a long time, she is almost 30. They can't be helped unless they want to be. Do you think your son wants to sort himself out? Just be there for him and try to ignore his abuse, he very likely doesn't mean it. [Perhaps diplomatically hint about his getting help, but above all, Do not blame yourself for any of it. That part is really important. I hope he gets help for both your sakes. Good luck xxxxx

Ruby2

Hi. Don't beat yourself up for your son's bullying. That is not something anyone should have to tolerate. You don't say whether your son lives with you. If he does live with you can you ask him to move out?

In many ways my husband blames his mother for his drinking and substance addictions. However, he is a grown man and can choose for himself. He chooses to drink and do drugs. And he too can be bullying. It is intolerable regardless of how it came about. Read and post in the family and friends of alcoholics forum. There is a lot of support there.

SeekingGrowth

People in active addiction often look outside themselves for responsibility for their lot in life, blaming other people and circumstances. It is a defense mechanism that protects their addiction - if something or someone else is to blame, then this frees them from the responsibility to do something about it. If it's not their fault, then they are not accountable. Blaming you is also a manipulation - it deflects your attention from HIS problem, and makes you feel guilty so that you will be less hard on him for his choices.

My son blamed me for his heroin use, saying that because I wouldn't let him smoke marijuana in the house, he "had" to switch to heroin - since it had no odor and could more easily be hidden in my home.

You are not to blame for your son's alcoholism. Don't fall for his efforts to deceive himself and manipulate you.

PurpleKnight

As already mentioned, your NOT to blame for HIS addiction, the difficulty though is he needs to take responsibility before he can change, no one can be forced to become sober, the decision must be reached by the person who has the addicition.

It's tough though!!

Louise82

Welcome Kittie. Like your son, I'm 31. My mother despaired of me and thought I would never quit drinking. I said some horrible things to her when I was drunk and bullied my little brother. During my last relapse this summer my mum actually said to me that she thought I would never be able to give up drinking.

I'm now 5 months sober but I could only get sober when I myself was ready and truly wanted to.

I agree that AlAnon is worth checking out. My mother is yet to go but I hope you do, or find another way to take of yourself and get support.

IOAA2

Hi. No one ever forced 1 ounce of alcohol between my lips, it was always my choice. My parents did the best they could to raise their children. I feel that some negative seeds were planted by my mother as all 3 children are alcoholics, 1 died as a result. My mother hardly ever drank, my father maybe 1-2 drinks a week. Many of the messages we got were about our feelings/fears etc. Like don't feel that way and be careful about every thing. They were filed in memory and when I drank that feeling of I don't care moved in and was my escape which I pursued.

BE WELL

jazzfish

Regardless of what behavior my parents modeled for me, I am solely responsible for my actions. I learned this when I was given the privilege of dealing with all the consequences of my actions.

KittieMeme

Thank you for your posts. I read them late last night while lying in bed crying over this whole mess. He does not live with us anymore. He is in a 3 year relationship (now his fiance) and she is about to give up on him. She texted me the other night that she is ready to sell her house and move. She also texted me that he has written us off after my husband went to their home and was rather harsh with him. He told him to stop his bullying of me and that he needed to grow up and stop the bullying of the women in his life. Apparently that upset him quite a bit and now he is going to write us off. We are the only family members he has left who will talk to him and stand by him. I would not mind so much if it were not for my grandkids. That is the part that kills me..and he knows it. This has been an 8 year long journey with him. He lived with us for most of the 8 years, except the last 2.5, where he is living with his finace.
I am exhausted with all of this. I have started going to some on line Al-Anon meetings and they are helping. I am trying to distance my emotions and remove them out of the equation so that I can approach him in a non emotional and non judgemental way. I think part of the issue is that I freaked out on him the last few times and that it is too much for him . I have taken my support away from him by freaking out. At least that is what I believe. Thanks again everyone. You REALLY HELPED! I know we have a long way to go...but with God's help we will get there.