cara2272

It's been a while since I last posted anything & so much has happened. My boyfriend, a recovering addict, and I broke up again - for the third time in 8 months! The past 2 - 3 months he's really been going through a tough time & it seems that whenever things get too much for him he immediately wants to get rid of the one variable in his life, me. His 1 year milestone is coming up & the festive season is clearly a very difficult time for him. He's also been battling depression, a common side effect I believe. He was constantly pushing me away & then pulling me in again which made me very insecure leading to more fights & him wanting space. I love him very much but I'm starting to wonder if my unfailing love, in the face of all his changing moods, makes me co-dependent? I read somewhere that most partners of addicts do find themselves walking a very thin line between co-dependency & unconditional love. We've been broken up now for 2 weeks but both admitted today that we miss each other. Do I just step back & wait for him to deal with what he needs to deal with? Or do I tell him that I want to get back together & run the risk of that pushing him away because he can't deal with it? I'm fighting an epic battle within myself wondering whether I should be true to my heart or rather take a step back. I'd like to know if anyone else has experienced this roller-coaster with a recovering addict, break up/make up/break up/make up?? I really do love him with all my heart & at the end of the day I only want what's best for him. Any input or constructive comments would be greatly appreciated.

Kindeyes

This seems to be a fairly common situation.

With my XAH, I eventually came to terms with the fact that our son and I were #2 in his life. Drugs were #1. If I was content being #2, I guess I could have stayed with him. However, since I didn't make that choice and eventually I got remarried to a man who showed me what it was like to be with a solid partner......I have no regrets.

Everyone has their own tolerance levels. Mine may be very low....who knows.....although eight years (five of those married) on the roller coaster was about as much as I could take. I believe that it's important to deal with what "is" and not what I want things to be. Eventually time reveals what really "is" and you'll make a choice to either stay or move on.

Ultimately......we do what is right for us (or feels right) at the time.

Only you can answer the question of whether or not you are codependent. Some people are and some people aren't.......it isn't a good vs bad scenario.....it also just "is" or "isn't". But once self-identified as codependent, we have the ability to do something about it.

gentle hugs
ke

AnvilheadII

3 breakups in 8 months is now a PATTERN. it's classic Come Here Go Away behavior. while you might give credence to his "reasons" at the very core he is USING you as a way to deal with his emotions....continually creating stress and strain, discarding you and then reeling you back in. you become in essence a TOOL.

you mentioned being true to your heart....which you claim has unfailing love FOR HIM.

what about being TRUE to yourself? what do YOU want? do you want to continue to be something he can toss away at a whim? and then coax back with a couple "I Miss You's"?? how much of what you feel is LOVE (big grown up love) and how much is need based? how much is you trying to PROVE your worth by putting up with all his BS? what prize are you trying to WIN?

gothbarbie

Aww so sorry you're dealing with this too :/ My AXBF did this crap to me every few weeks until things got so out of control for him that he ended up going to rehab & dumping me for good & although he promised to keep in touch & that he loved me blah blah , it's now 4 months later & I have yet to recieve any contact from him at all. I'm not sure if he's in sober living or whatever but I did hear from someone that he got a black kitten ( the same kind I wanted when we were together)!!! WTF?! Anyways life has NOT been easy for me & although I really miss him , I don't miss the push & pull bs he did to me. One week he loved me & didn't want me to go, the next he wanted to be alone & didn't want to be in a relationship... ugh, I'm still trying to convince myself that it wasn't my fault he left. I'm a very attractive girl (not trying to be concieted) but I could have almost any guy i wanted & he threw me away like I'm rubbish. I'm also fairly convinced by now that he isn't gonna come crawling back anytime soon , like he used to. He always had one foot out the door with me anyways which always kept me on my toes :/

cara2272

I went to my first Nar-Anon meeting last night, probably should've started going a long time ago. Apparently addicts' emotional maturity gets 'stuck' at the age they started using regularly? Makes a lot of sense seeing as my ex started using when he was still a teenager & doesn't really have any relationship experience. His last long term relationship was also a break up/make up situation. So I guess I have to accept the fact that he just isn't emotionally mature enough for a relationship. I've also decided to go to a CoDA meeting tonight, I do need to take responsibility for my part in the break up after all. I'm in an immense amount of pain & ultimately I do want to be with him but for now I just have to let him go. As you can tell I'm feeling quite strong today, tomorrow might be a different story though. I firmly believe in 'if it's meant to be it will be' & only time will tell.

gothbarbie

^ yup , if it's meant to be it will work out & yes time will tell! Patience isn't my strongest quality though :/ lol