I think I hit a new low
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
Posts: 203
I think I hit a new low
well, I think I did it, ended a marriage of 18 years with three kids and very little financial potential in my future, but.....
it's not what I want, it's not "plan A" for my life!!! I wanted the dream. And okay, I'm a realist, I figured out that plan A is the movies, so Plan B went into place and then I watched stupid alcohol destroy that plan. I guess I was still hoping against hope that when it came time to "choose" he would choose me and the kids, but as I put it out there and told him I couldn't live like this anymore and that the kids and I needed an alcohol-free home and significant boundaries..... I just saw it. He wasn't going to choose me. I guess I knew it, but... well, maybe I didn't really know it, you know? It does feel like another woman, I've heard others equate it, and that's how I feel right now. so today, feeling a bit crushed in spirit. I need to focus and do what I need to do, get a job, look for a house,..... cry a lot!
Thanks for listening,
Pam
it's not what I want, it's not "plan A" for my life!!! I wanted the dream. And okay, I'm a realist, I figured out that plan A is the movies, so Plan B went into place and then I watched stupid alcohol destroy that plan. I guess I was still hoping against hope that when it came time to "choose" he would choose me and the kids, but as I put it out there and told him I couldn't live like this anymore and that the kids and I needed an alcohol-free home and significant boundaries..... I just saw it. He wasn't going to choose me. I guess I knew it, but... well, maybe I didn't really know it, you know? It does feel like another woman, I've heard others equate it, and that's how I feel right now. so today, feeling a bit crushed in spirit. I need to focus and do what I need to do, get a job, look for a house,..... cry a lot!
Thanks for listening,
Pam
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Iowa via Alabama
Posts: 43
(((((((((((Pam))))))))))))
Sorry for your pain today, I know there is nothing I can say to you to ease it. But remember your not alone. As Gabe said, endings are also beginnings.
The move out is one of the hardest things to do... I threatened for years, and of course it got to the point where he never believed i would do it.. UNTIL the day I came back with a sheriff deputy to get my things, then the tears and more promises started. You have to do what is right for you and your children...and trust in your Higher Power, that in time all will be ok....until then remember your loved and have many people here who care and will listen anytime you need to vent.
God Bless you,
Sue
Sorry for your pain today, I know there is nothing I can say to you to ease it. But remember your not alone. As Gabe said, endings are also beginnings.
The move out is one of the hardest things to do... I threatened for years, and of course it got to the point where he never believed i would do it.. UNTIL the day I came back with a sheriff deputy to get my things, then the tears and more promises started. You have to do what is right for you and your children...and trust in your Higher Power, that in time all will be ok....until then remember your loved and have many people here who care and will listen anytime you need to vent.
God Bless you,
Sue
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
(((Pam)))
I'm so glad to hear from you - I missed you and was wondering what was going on. I know the choice you're talking about. He blames me but he made the choice of the most important thing in his life many years ago and he knows that deep inside. He has to live with it.
You have to do what it right for you and the kids. You will be OK. I'm cheering for you and crying with you. Keep the faith.
L
I'm so glad to hear from you - I missed you and was wondering what was going on. I know the choice you're talking about. He blames me but he made the choice of the most important thing in his life many years ago and he knows that deep inside. He has to live with it.
You have to do what it right for you and the kids. You will be OK. I'm cheering for you and crying with you. Keep the faith.
L
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
Pam,
it may not seem like it today. but you are on the path to healing. spiritual, physical, mental and emotional healing. may look like a whole lot of rainclouds ahead. but there is a rainbow after it. hang in there.
i have been where you are now. and it does get better. one day at a time.
it may not seem like it today. but you are on the path to healing. spiritual, physical, mental and emotional healing. may look like a whole lot of rainclouds ahead. but there is a rainbow after it. hang in there.
i have been where you are now. and it does get better. one day at a time.
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Indianapolis, In
Posts: 112
Oh, Mc-
I'm so sorry. I wnet thru a divorce 3 years ago. My ex wasn't an A. We just weren't compatible. It only took me 17 years to come to that conclusion. i was SOOO reluctant to give up my dream. I wanted a family so bad. I was so depressed afterwards and went searching for a man to fulfill my dream. I am finally now at apoint where i don't need a man for my dream (after two very ugly relationships)....my kids and I can have it all by ourselves. And we make a great family. I struggle with finances all the time. But you know....my kids will reap that reward. Too many kids today have every thing. And that makes for a lot of kids who don't appreciate anything. My kids will. For that I am grateful.
My only advice......give yourself plenty of time to heal. Just plenty of time. Create a new dream with your 3 lovely children. Relax. Enjoy the peace for a change. Get professional help. counseling has been our saving grace and I had to go thru two counselors before I found the right one. It has saved my daughter's life.
huge hugs to you...what a big decision. I'm proud of you and have great hopes for your future.
I'm so sorry. I wnet thru a divorce 3 years ago. My ex wasn't an A. We just weren't compatible. It only took me 17 years to come to that conclusion. i was SOOO reluctant to give up my dream. I wanted a family so bad. I was so depressed afterwards and went searching for a man to fulfill my dream. I am finally now at apoint where i don't need a man for my dream (after two very ugly relationships)....my kids and I can have it all by ourselves. And we make a great family. I struggle with finances all the time. But you know....my kids will reap that reward. Too many kids today have every thing. And that makes for a lot of kids who don't appreciate anything. My kids will. For that I am grateful.
My only advice......give yourself plenty of time to heal. Just plenty of time. Create a new dream with your 3 lovely children. Relax. Enjoy the peace for a change. Get professional help. counseling has been our saving grace and I had to go thru two counselors before I found the right one. It has saved my daughter's life.
huge hugs to you...what a big decision. I'm proud of you and have great hopes for your future.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
Posts: 203
you guys are awesome..... thank you from the bottom of my heart... truly, I didn't know where to turn this morning for assurance and your words honestly mean the world to me at this moment. I don't have much to say lately to anyone, just too much hurt going on inside, but know in my silence that I'm just reading your posts and getting strength from you all! Lorelai, thanks for you kind words and constant support, I know I have someone in my corner, friend!
Pam
Pam
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
Posts: 203
doing fine, but just sooooo confused. My decision has spawned all these intentions to sober up, and do this, and that...... etc. But that whole attitude of being angry and what's "my part" in this and what am I going to do to contribute and what are MY issues and why aren't those as important.... yada yada yada..... it goes on.
Now you all can probably relate to this...... I have issues, I haven't been the perfect wife, mother, person, sister, daughter..... but for me, alcohol is such a deal-breaker, because it's so impossible to work on a marriage with a drunk person. Sober, it's tough enough to nail down the issues and work through stuff, but drunk..... well, you all know and it's taken me so long to finally stop trying to beat a dead horse and realize it's all just diverson tactics and if we can keep all of this my problems, then we don't really have to deal with this elephant in the middle of the frickin room! So, as usual, when he's yacking, I'm listening and doubting myself, and feeling like maybe I'm not so sure, and maybe it's not really what I think, and maybe....
But dangit! When I'm back alone with my own sane thinking I cringe how easily I'm persuaded to listen and believe! I need off of this ride, it's no fun anymore, and the benefits no longer outweigh the problems. But shoot, if there's not that stupid voice saying, yeah but he says he'll sober up, maybe this time he means it, maybe this time.....
AAAArrrrrggggghhhhh. I need a heart lobotomy..... but it's broken, it'll be tough to get it out...
I'm the old McTired today!
Now you all can probably relate to this...... I have issues, I haven't been the perfect wife, mother, person, sister, daughter..... but for me, alcohol is such a deal-breaker, because it's so impossible to work on a marriage with a drunk person. Sober, it's tough enough to nail down the issues and work through stuff, but drunk..... well, you all know and it's taken me so long to finally stop trying to beat a dead horse and realize it's all just diverson tactics and if we can keep all of this my problems, then we don't really have to deal with this elephant in the middle of the frickin room! So, as usual, when he's yacking, I'm listening and doubting myself, and feeling like maybe I'm not so sure, and maybe it's not really what I think, and maybe....
But dangit! When I'm back alone with my own sane thinking I cringe how easily I'm persuaded to listen and believe! I need off of this ride, it's no fun anymore, and the benefits no longer outweigh the problems. But shoot, if there's not that stupid voice saying, yeah but he says he'll sober up, maybe this time he means it, maybe this time.....
AAAArrrrrggggghhhhh. I need a heart lobotomy..... but it's broken, it'll be tough to get it out...
I'm the old McTired today!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Birthplace of Rock & Roll, Home of the Blues
Posts: 233
Leaving is hard and staying is hard. Both ways HURT so bad at times. A's always want to deal... I'll stop if you do this, quack, quack, quack... it doesn't matter what it is. They will stop when they are good and ready to stop and not a moment before that. I used to smoke and had for decades. I'd tell people when the time is right, I'll stop. One day the time was right and I stopped cold turkey from 4 packs a day. In the beginning it was one day at a time. Changing your life is hard work and you have to do it one day at a time.
Remember to be nice to you today!
Remember to be nice to you today!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Hopeland
Posts: 95
[QUOTE=McTired] So, as usual, when he's yacking, I'm listening and doubting myself, and feeling like maybe I'm not so sure, and maybe it's not really what I think, and maybe....
QUOTE]
I love you guys
I can't put into words how encouraging it is to hear so many people tell my stories. I'm not crazy even though he keeps telling me that everything would be ok if only I stopped making everything into such problem.I so hate self doubt. That's how I knew it was time to get out. How can I live with myself if I start to doubt everything. I can't, I just can't. Being on my own is much better. And coming hre helps so much when the tough times hit. I kept a diary of my days with my A and when I miss him bad I just start reading my diary and get over the need to have him back pretty quick.
Thanks for reading :smile:
QUOTE]
I love you guys
I can't put into words how encouraging it is to hear so many people tell my stories. I'm not crazy even though he keeps telling me that everything would be ok if only I stopped making everything into such problem.I so hate self doubt. That's how I knew it was time to get out. How can I live with myself if I start to doubt everything. I can't, I just can't. Being on my own is much better. And coming hre helps so much when the tough times hit. I kept a diary of my days with my A and when I miss him bad I just start reading my diary and get over the need to have him back pretty quick. Thanks for reading :smile:
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Oh, Pam -
You can not believe how great it feels to see those words coming from somebody else - I am not all alone !!!
My H can say the exact thing at the exact time that will cause me to doubt everything I know for sure.
I have come to the conclusion that my H may never acknowledge his part in our problems. He will probably always blame me and will never look to himself whether I'm here or whether I'm gone. I have to work on my reaction to that. I believe that when I can truly believe that I'm not at fault - when I have done everything I can to make myself a better person, his accusations won't affect me. I will KNOW that I'm not to blame.
That's my confusion - Will there come a day when I know that I want to leave absolutely for sure no matter what he says OR Am I just prolonging the suffering because I don't have enough guts to just do it and get it over with?
My H is the king of delay tactics - they seem to think that if they can just put it off for now by saying that they'll cut down or be better, everything will be OK. I have to say, it's worked for him for 15 years so I can't really blame him for thinking it's going to work now.
Glad you're posting - I'll be thinking about you.
L
You can not believe how great it feels to see those words coming from somebody else - I am not all alone !!!
My H can say the exact thing at the exact time that will cause me to doubt everything I know for sure.
I have come to the conclusion that my H may never acknowledge his part in our problems. He will probably always blame me and will never look to himself whether I'm here or whether I'm gone. I have to work on my reaction to that. I believe that when I can truly believe that I'm not at fault - when I have done everything I can to make myself a better person, his accusations won't affect me. I will KNOW that I'm not to blame.
That's my confusion - Will there come a day when I know that I want to leave absolutely for sure no matter what he says OR Am I just prolonging the suffering because I don't have enough guts to just do it and get it over with?
My H is the king of delay tactics - they seem to think that if they can just put it off for now by saying that they'll cut down or be better, everything will be OK. I have to say, it's worked for him for 15 years so I can't really blame him for thinking it's going to work now.
Glad you're posting - I'll be thinking about you.
L
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Iowa via Alabama
Posts: 43
Ya know last summer, my husband "stopped" drinking, I in my own stupidity thought this would be the change of a lifetime...that overnight the man I fell in love with would be there, and all our problems would be gone......OH just the complete opposite....he turned his anger on me...he "quit drinking for me" etc....but he also began on a chemical abuse (pills)....just becouse they "quit drinking" doesnt change the behavior, and mean all is going to be as it once was....IF only I would have realized this....maybe just maybe I would have been more prepared for what laid ahead....its been a month now that he has been dead...when does it get easier? When will I begin to feel I had nothing to do with this? I'm not sure where to post these things..I am having a hard time finding my way around here...I just need help dont know where or how to go about it....my biggest question is WHY???? Why did God do this (I know God didnt but getting it from my logically brain to my reality brain...aint working) Why didnt my husband listen to me? Why didnt he get help? Why didnt I stay a little longer? God I wish I could turn back the hands of time....I have such a heavy heart and nowhere to go or turn....I want off this roller coaster
Sue :-(
Sue :-(
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Birthplace of Rock & Roll, Home of the Blues
Posts: 233
Sue, I know you are hurting...
Does it get easier? Yes, with time - how much time? No set answer there, only enough time. One day at a time.
Also please know that NOTHING could change the outcome. You could not have prevented it, you could not have changed it, you could not control it nor could you have cured it. The ONLY person who could have saved him ... was him. The ONLY person you can save is yourself. He was responsible for himself.
Keep coming back and reading this board & the Nar-Anon board. The good part and the bad part is you'll see situations very similar to yours. You will also find understand and acceptance.
Be good to you today... just do one nice thing for you and only you.
(((Hugs)))
Does it get easier? Yes, with time - how much time? No set answer there, only enough time. One day at a time.
Also please know that NOTHING could change the outcome. You could not have prevented it, you could not have changed it, you could not control it nor could you have cured it. The ONLY person who could have saved him ... was him. The ONLY person you can save is yourself. He was responsible for himself.
Keep coming back and reading this board & the Nar-Anon board. The good part and the bad part is you'll see situations very similar to yours. You will also find understand and acceptance.
Be good to you today... just do one nice thing for you and only you.
(((Hugs)))
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