I think my wife is addicted to prescription drugs and I don't know what to do
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Warminster
Posts: 2
I think my wife is addicted to prescription drugs and I don't know what to do
I don't even know where to begin.
In April I was laid-off from my job after 12 years. I was unemployed and my wife was working so I was essentially a stay at home dad. I cleaned the house, did laundry, made dinner, etc. One day while I was putting away clothes I found a bag of pills in her dresser drawer. I had no idea what they were so I looked them up online. They were pain pills and muscle relaxers (I don't remember specifically what kind). I did not think to much of it at the time as I knew she took them every once in a while when her back was hurting. I was curious and checked again about 3 days later and all I found was the empty bag. I started checking every few days since she did not know I knew about her "hiding" spot. It was the same thing over and over. I would see a full bag of pills and in a few days they were gone again. I never really saw any "signs" she was abusing pills until this. I might have just been naive I don't know.
After about a month of the same routine I confronted her about it. She was very defensive about me "going through her things". She said her back hurt from a car accident that happened before we met (8+ years ago). I told her how i was worried about her being addicted to the pills. She was very apologetic about it and told me she would stop. I said I don't care every once in a while as long as I know how often and why(probably a bad idea). Sometimes I am in fairly severe pain and would not mind a pain killer every once in a while.
I stopped seeing them in the drawer and foolishly thought she stopped. Then after about 3 months I started to see "signs" of drug abuse. She would take out almost her entire pay check on payday, fall asleep while eating, find reasons to "help" her best friend who I am almost certain is the source of the pills. One night when she fell asleep I looked every where for pills and found them in a hidden compartment in her purse. I started to monitor her usage again and it was even more then before. It was about 30 every 3 days instead of 20.
After about a month of the steady usage I asked her how she was doing with the pills and she said she had not used any since the last time we talked about it. I wanted to call her a liar to her face and pull out the pills from her purse but I didn't. Instead I told her how much I care about her and if she feels the need for pills to contact our doctor as the pain could be alleviated with something as simple as physical therapy. She agreed and I kept asking her if she called her doctor yet over the course of about a month. She kept saying she forgot and would do it tomorrow. Eventually she said she did and when I asked her when the appointment was she said she forgot to right down the date. This is highly unlike her as she lives by her planner. I asked several times when her appointment was and should kept saying she has to find out. So I am pretty sure she never made an appointment and is lying to my face.
After this I put a gps tracker on her phone. I forgot to mention that at this point I am working again and paying most of the bills because she never has money. I now know she goes to the bank withdraws about 80% of her paycheck and goes to her "best friends" house. When she goes to bed afterwards I look in her hiding spot and she has a full bottle of pills again. I tried asking her about the money and she keeps saying it is for Christmas presents but I have not seen anything. We have to daughters in the late teens and do not hide presents anymore.We have a access to each others accounts and all I see are ATM withdraws. Not a single purchase from a store besides 7-11 for cigarettes. They are also starting to notice changes in her behavior but I have not told them anything about what I know even though I want to.
So. My questions are:
Do my suspicions seem legitimate?
Should I tell our kids? They are 18 & 20.
I want to have an intervention but most of her "friends" are druggies and I don't know who else I can get involved besides her kids and I.
Sorry this post is a little scatter brained but I have had so many thoughts going through my head while trying to type this. I love my wife dearly and don't know what to do. I need advice from people that have been in the same situation.
In April I was laid-off from my job after 12 years. I was unemployed and my wife was working so I was essentially a stay at home dad. I cleaned the house, did laundry, made dinner, etc. One day while I was putting away clothes I found a bag of pills in her dresser drawer. I had no idea what they were so I looked them up online. They were pain pills and muscle relaxers (I don't remember specifically what kind). I did not think to much of it at the time as I knew she took them every once in a while when her back was hurting. I was curious and checked again about 3 days later and all I found was the empty bag. I started checking every few days since she did not know I knew about her "hiding" spot. It was the same thing over and over. I would see a full bag of pills and in a few days they were gone again. I never really saw any "signs" she was abusing pills until this. I might have just been naive I don't know.
After about a month of the same routine I confronted her about it. She was very defensive about me "going through her things". She said her back hurt from a car accident that happened before we met (8+ years ago). I told her how i was worried about her being addicted to the pills. She was very apologetic about it and told me she would stop. I said I don't care every once in a while as long as I know how often and why(probably a bad idea). Sometimes I am in fairly severe pain and would not mind a pain killer every once in a while.
I stopped seeing them in the drawer and foolishly thought she stopped. Then after about 3 months I started to see "signs" of drug abuse. She would take out almost her entire pay check on payday, fall asleep while eating, find reasons to "help" her best friend who I am almost certain is the source of the pills. One night when she fell asleep I looked every where for pills and found them in a hidden compartment in her purse. I started to monitor her usage again and it was even more then before. It was about 30 every 3 days instead of 20.
After about a month of the steady usage I asked her how she was doing with the pills and she said she had not used any since the last time we talked about it. I wanted to call her a liar to her face and pull out the pills from her purse but I didn't. Instead I told her how much I care about her and if she feels the need for pills to contact our doctor as the pain could be alleviated with something as simple as physical therapy. She agreed and I kept asking her if she called her doctor yet over the course of about a month. She kept saying she forgot and would do it tomorrow. Eventually she said she did and when I asked her when the appointment was she said she forgot to right down the date. This is highly unlike her as she lives by her planner. I asked several times when her appointment was and should kept saying she has to find out. So I am pretty sure she never made an appointment and is lying to my face.
After this I put a gps tracker on her phone. I forgot to mention that at this point I am working again and paying most of the bills because she never has money. I now know she goes to the bank withdraws about 80% of her paycheck and goes to her "best friends" house. When she goes to bed afterwards I look in her hiding spot and she has a full bottle of pills again. I tried asking her about the money and she keeps saying it is for Christmas presents but I have not seen anything. We have to daughters in the late teens and do not hide presents anymore.We have a access to each others accounts and all I see are ATM withdraws. Not a single purchase from a store besides 7-11 for cigarettes. They are also starting to notice changes in her behavior but I have not told them anything about what I know even though I want to.
So. My questions are:
Do my suspicions seem legitimate?
Should I tell our kids? They are 18 & 20.
I want to have an intervention but most of her "friends" are druggies and I don't know who else I can get involved besides her kids and I.
Sorry this post is a little scatter brained but I have had so many thoughts going through my head while trying to type this. I love my wife dearly and don't know what to do. I need advice from people that have been in the same situation.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 553
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Yes, your concerns seem ligit. Chances are the kids already suspect and it may help to talk with them if you'd like to take action with them. Is there a trained individual you know that could conduct a conversation with yourself, your wife, and the kids? Without that neutral person in the room you might get more denial.
Yes, your concerns seem ligit. Chances are the kids already suspect and it may help to talk with them if you'd like to take action with them. Is there a trained individual you know that could conduct a conversation with yourself, your wife, and the kids? Without that neutral person in the room you might get more denial.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
Wow. I'm not sure how to respond. First let me say I don't have experience with this sort of thing. If I suspected my husband of something, anything, I would confront him directly with all the info I have and when I got the denial, I would pull out all that hiding place stuff you know about. I wouldn't have put a GPS on his phone, but if for some reason I did, I would not tell him. And for me, I wouldn't involve my kids in my suspicions.
But that's just me.
But that's just me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by punkboy15 
After this I put a gps tracker on her phone
I want to have an intervention but most of her "friends" are druggies and I don't know who else I can get involved besides her kids and I.
GPS -- rather sneaky
intervention with you and her kids seems to be in order
best of luck to you
Mountainman
Perpetual Optimist
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 1,371
Your suspicions are completely legitimate.
Your wife is very much exhibiting addict behavior, and it sounds like her "best friend" is her dealer, or is the connection to her dealer.
RX opiates are a gateway to heroin. I do not want to scare you, nor am I saying that your wife will use heroin, but what I am saying is that addiction is PROGRESSIVE and without help, she will undoubtedly get worse.
You tried talking to her and she lied to you. That is what we addicts do. We lie and we lie and we fiercely protect our addiction until it spins out of control.
Perhaps she still thinks she can control it. I am not sure how or even if you can help reveal to her that she can't.
Most people who get clean/sober and stay that way have to come to that conclusion on their own.
I was addicted to pain pills for almost a year, tried to quit when a close friend confronted me, but did not quit successfully until I almost died.
I do not think it is a good idea to involve your kids before you get professional advice/help because your wife might feel cornered and shut you out completely.
Interventions often happen in the presence of an addiction counselor.
Have you ever heard of al anon or nar anon? They are support groups for family members of people who are addicted to drugs and alcohol.
Nar-anon is a network of people with support and advice who you can talk to. There is also a family and friends of addicts/alcoholics thread on this website.
I hope this was helpful, I am sorry for what you are experiencing and hope you can get the support that you need to get through this!
Best wishes to you and your family!!
Your wife is very much exhibiting addict behavior, and it sounds like her "best friend" is her dealer, or is the connection to her dealer.
RX opiates are a gateway to heroin. I do not want to scare you, nor am I saying that your wife will use heroin, but what I am saying is that addiction is PROGRESSIVE and without help, she will undoubtedly get worse.
You tried talking to her and she lied to you. That is what we addicts do. We lie and we lie and we fiercely protect our addiction until it spins out of control.
Perhaps she still thinks she can control it. I am not sure how or even if you can help reveal to her that she can't.
Most people who get clean/sober and stay that way have to come to that conclusion on their own.
I was addicted to pain pills for almost a year, tried to quit when a close friend confronted me, but did not quit successfully until I almost died.
I do not think it is a good idea to involve your kids before you get professional advice/help because your wife might feel cornered and shut you out completely.
Interventions often happen in the presence of an addiction counselor.
Have you ever heard of al anon or nar anon? They are support groups for family members of people who are addicted to drugs and alcohol.
Nar-anon is a network of people with support and advice who you can talk to. There is also a family and friends of addicts/alcoholics thread on this website.
I hope this was helpful, I am sorry for what you are experiencing and hope you can get the support that you need to get through this!
Best wishes to you and your family!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Punkboy - welcome to SR.
the best advice I can give you is to also take a look at our Family and Friends forums.
Have you considered support for yourself - something like NarAnon, for example?
D
the best advice I can give you is to also take a look at our Family and Friends forums.
Have you considered support for yourself - something like NarAnon, for example?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Warminster
Posts: 2
I want to thank everyone for their support. I have been doing a lot of reading on here to try and figure out how I am going to handle this. Both of our jobs have hotlines that offer assistance for this type of thing. I am most likely going to try the one from her job as it is a huge corporation so I think it might be better. My job is a small family owned business so I don't know how good they would be.
I have started looking around for NarAnon meetings in my area. I want to attend one but to just observe. Is that usually allowed? I don't know any one that has dealt with addiction or a loved one with an addiction so I don't know. That is why I am here in the first place.
I also want to find a counselor but do not have the money for it. I am already struggling to make ends meet and don't know how I would be able to afford it. I have not had much luck finding information about drug abuse counselors either. I have only been able to find a couple of directories and so far the closest one is an hour away. I think it might be hard to explain where I am going for 3 hours. Does any one know of a good resource for finding one?
As far as getting the kids involved I had read mixed opinions. I have a good relationship with them and we talk about everything. They never hesitate to come to me with problems so as of right now I am leaning towards getting them involved. I am still not certain though.
I have a lot of reading to do the next few days. So far I have found some guidance on here and I thank you all for your help and support. I will update when I can.
I have started looking around for NarAnon meetings in my area. I want to attend one but to just observe. Is that usually allowed? I don't know any one that has dealt with addiction or a loved one with an addiction so I don't know. That is why I am here in the first place.
I also want to find a counselor but do not have the money for it. I am already struggling to make ends meet and don't know how I would be able to afford it. I have not had much luck finding information about drug abuse counselors either. I have only been able to find a couple of directories and so far the closest one is an hour away. I think it might be hard to explain where I am going for 3 hours. Does any one know of a good resource for finding one?
As far as getting the kids involved I had read mixed opinions. I have a good relationship with them and we talk about everything. They never hesitate to come to me with problems so as of right now I am leaning towards getting them involved. I am still not certain though.
I have a lot of reading to do the next few days. So far I have found some guidance on here and I thank you all for your help and support. I will update when I can.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
it scares me when you said she "falls asleep"...my AXH is an opiate addict. He did fall asleep like that - he nodded off because he was using heroin. An intervention is in order, but don't count on it, remain optimistic that it will help, but you never know how an addict will react to it. I'm sorry that you're here for this, but you will get a lot of support! You already know she is hooked and you have been an investigator, and none of us should have to feel the need to police, it makes us a mess as well.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Wow, a GPS tracker?
This is just my opinion - You have been half-heartedly confronting your wife for a long time and it's not working. So, either confront her with evidence or back off. Your wife knows she needs help, and she knows you are supportive. Sadly, you will not be able to make her seek treatment. It's something she will need to decide for herself.
And, please check out AlAnon in your area as a support for you.
This is just my opinion - You have been half-heartedly confronting your wife for a long time and it's not working. So, either confront her with evidence or back off. Your wife knows she needs help, and she knows you are supportive. Sadly, you will not be able to make her seek treatment. It's something she will need to decide for herself.
And, please check out AlAnon in your area as a support for you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Hi Punkboy - I'm so glad you joined us and reached out for some help.
I have a friend who has been addicted to painkillers for years - even got a dui - but her husband is in denial and won't even discuss it. I'm glad you're not ignoring this & are seeking advice. Please let us know how it goes.
I have a friend who has been addicted to painkillers for years - even got a dui - but her husband is in denial and won't even discuss it. I'm glad you're not ignoring this & are seeking advice. Please let us know how it goes.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
punkboy - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here.
In order to give you an idea of where I'm coming from, I need to explain my background. I was a codependent (have NO idea where I learned this, as it was not from either parent) who turned to alcohol, then opiates, then crack to "deal with" the people in my life.
I hit bottom, I got clean. My stepmom began abusing pills. She was a severe codependent with an alcoholic father then an alcoholic husband who died of cancer. I'm also a former nurse. I KNOW addiction inside and out, and we had a lot of arguments over the last year or so, of her addiction.
She hid a lot from me, my dad is one of those "stick your head in the sand, don't want to know about it" with addiction.
On Nov. 7, I found my stepmom dead. I tried CPR but it was too late. I am STILL dealing with what could I have done to stop it? I TOLD her, over and over, "this shytt is going to KILL you" but honestly? I thought I'd catch her in time to get her back. It didn't happen.
Had I had my way, I would have kept track of every prescription she filled. She was dr. shopping, and I told her and my dad she could go to jail for this. They ignored me. Yes, I'm a recovering codependent, but I would have kept track of what she was getting and from who. She hid it from me, though.
In the long run, I did what I could. I am hurt, I am angry, and I'm hurt (again). I'm an RA (recovering addic) and I couldn't do anything.
I am not saying your wife will die. I am saying that if it weren't for the people here, I'd be stark raving mad over my stepmom's death. I KNOW an A (addict/alcoholic) will protect their use to the extreme.
Long story short, I recommend you check into the friends & family forum of substance abusers.
I've been on both sides of addiction, and I have to be honest. Being a loved one of an A is far harder than being an A. Just know that there are many people here who know what you are going through and are wiling to support you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
In order to give you an idea of where I'm coming from, I need to explain my background. I was a codependent (have NO idea where I learned this, as it was not from either parent) who turned to alcohol, then opiates, then crack to "deal with" the people in my life.
I hit bottom, I got clean. My stepmom began abusing pills. She was a severe codependent with an alcoholic father then an alcoholic husband who died of cancer. I'm also a former nurse. I KNOW addiction inside and out, and we had a lot of arguments over the last year or so, of her addiction.
She hid a lot from me, my dad is one of those "stick your head in the sand, don't want to know about it" with addiction.
On Nov. 7, I found my stepmom dead. I tried CPR but it was too late. I am STILL dealing with what could I have done to stop it? I TOLD her, over and over, "this shytt is going to KILL you" but honestly? I thought I'd catch her in time to get her back. It didn't happen.
Had I had my way, I would have kept track of every prescription she filled. She was dr. shopping, and I told her and my dad she could go to jail for this. They ignored me. Yes, I'm a recovering codependent, but I would have kept track of what she was getting and from who. She hid it from me, though.
In the long run, I did what I could. I am hurt, I am angry, and I'm hurt (again). I'm an RA (recovering addic) and I couldn't do anything.
I am not saying your wife will die. I am saying that if it weren't for the people here, I'd be stark raving mad over my stepmom's death. I KNOW an A (addict/alcoholic) will protect their use to the extreme.
Long story short, I recommend you check into the friends & family forum of substance abusers.
I've been on both sides of addiction, and I have to be honest. Being a loved one of an A is far harder than being an A. Just know that there are many people here who know what you are going through and are wiling to support you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
I feel confident in saying that your wife is an addict and is in pretty deep. She will most likely need professional help to stop. I would also stop all the sneaky behavior on your part.
Set a time, one that she is not getting ready to run out the door to work, etc. sit her down and tell her....rehab or she needs to leave, those are her choices. Doing drugs in your home with your daughters living there is not acceptable. Hopefully she chooses rehab. But in the mean time, sit your girls down and tell them what is going on. Ask them if they want to be involved.
Just be prepared. If you are not ready to throw her out of the house, don't say it because she will fight you, manipulate you, and test how far you'll go.
Set a time, one that she is not getting ready to run out the door to work, etc. sit her down and tell her....rehab or she needs to leave, those are her choices. Doing drugs in your home with your daughters living there is not acceptable. Hopefully she chooses rehab. But in the mean time, sit your girls down and tell them what is going on. Ask them if they want to be involved.
Just be prepared. If you are not ready to throw her out of the house, don't say it because she will fight you, manipulate you, and test how far you'll go.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
Hi, punkboy. I'm a mom of a heroin addict who passed away nearly two year ago. I well remember the craziness of living with an addict who you love. Based on my experience, I'd say that indignantly confronting her with the evidence won't change what's going on, and won't result in an admission by her. She'll just find a new way to hide it. She MIGHT be honest if she is confronted with love and understanding, but only if she is ready to stop using. If she isn't, then she can't safely be honest with you - she knows that you will insist that she stop, and if she isn't ready to stop, then she must lie to protect her addiction. She won't be ready to quit until the negative consequences of using outweigh the benefits - in HER mind. SHE has to see the negatives, and it can be amazing how bad things often have to get before the veil of denial is lifted. I've been told by many experienced addiction professionals that intervention, conducted by someone who knows what s/he is doing, can be successful in lifting a person's bottom, but the success factor even there is driven by the person's readiness for change.
If your wife continues down this path, then it is only a matter of time before your children discover what's going on. Addiction is progressive, and as it progresses, it creates chaos and destruction. Things became pretty crazy at my house by the end. It creeps up on you - you excuse or explain away one thing after another, and suddenly you find yourself living with situations you would never have imagined yourself tolerating.
Educating yourself about addiction is key, I think. Understanding the nature of this disorder - the compulsiveness, the self-denial, the way it can twist one's morality - can help those of us on the outside respond constructively, rather than with anger and hurt feelings. If I had it to do over again, I would have learned more faster so that my actions and responses were more effective and less reactive.
I agree with others' suggestions that you find support for yourself - NarAnon or Alanon, and this site, especially the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers forum. Living and loving a person in active addiction can be emotionally traumatizing. I have always been a strong person, and never for a second thought that fighting the addiction battle with my son could take me down, but it nearly did. Wishing you the best as you navigate through these difficult waters.
If your wife continues down this path, then it is only a matter of time before your children discover what's going on. Addiction is progressive, and as it progresses, it creates chaos and destruction. Things became pretty crazy at my house by the end. It creeps up on you - you excuse or explain away one thing after another, and suddenly you find yourself living with situations you would never have imagined yourself tolerating.
Educating yourself about addiction is key, I think. Understanding the nature of this disorder - the compulsiveness, the self-denial, the way it can twist one's morality - can help those of us on the outside respond constructively, rather than with anger and hurt feelings. If I had it to do over again, I would have learned more faster so that my actions and responses were more effective and less reactive.
I agree with others' suggestions that you find support for yourself - NarAnon or Alanon, and this site, especially the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers forum. Living and loving a person in active addiction can be emotionally traumatizing. I have always been a strong person, and never for a second thought that fighting the addiction battle with my son could take me down, but it nearly did. Wishing you the best as you navigate through these difficult waters.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I am so sorry you're living in this nightmare. There isn't much you can do unless she herself wants to get better. And if you give her an ultimatum you'd better be prepared to follow through. I wish you the best. And get some support for yourself. You're going to need it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
Hi, punkboy, This is a crazy making time for you...everyone is right, get yourself support..it will help you not feel so isolated in your problems.
There is no doubt in my mind that your wife is abusing pain pills from what you have said...
The scale of the abuse is relevant as it is already effecting her and the family, friends and possibly work... it has the potential to descend into total chaos and that is where getting you support is vital.
It is having a huge impact on you and now you are running around attaching gps devices to the car. ...and thats ok...but here's the thing...you know now and your suspicions are founded. You dont need to do stuff like searching the house for pills and spying on her anymore.
All the searches etc. are only going to prove what you already know.. however they now have the potential to cause more harm.
I feel it is important that you give your wife respect.
You fell in love with her, she probably is an amazing person...believe me when you are addicted you are not happy.
You have confronted her and she denies it.... what happens, everybody gets defensive and righteous, trust, hurt, lies, the whole family is in pain.
It is important that you get everything out in the open, be honest with her. listen to her and encourage her to talk, make it safe for her to talk...avoid the use of strategies and agendas, she has that one covered and you don't need to mirror it.
Seriously, set and keep your boundaries, don't enable her or try pleading, punishing, begging, yelling...but do try and encourage, listen, motivate and be consistent and communicate.
IMO, I would try talking with her and listen for the cues to really listen...let her know about options available and your concerns...when you get addicted you can get so stuck.
My heart goes out to you and hope that you get the help and support for yourself.
There is no doubt in my mind that your wife is abusing pain pills from what you have said...
The scale of the abuse is relevant as it is already effecting her and the family, friends and possibly work... it has the potential to descend into total chaos and that is where getting you support is vital.
It is having a huge impact on you and now you are running around attaching gps devices to the car. ...and thats ok...but here's the thing...you know now and your suspicions are founded. You dont need to do stuff like searching the house for pills and spying on her anymore.
All the searches etc. are only going to prove what you already know.. however they now have the potential to cause more harm.
I feel it is important that you give your wife respect.
You fell in love with her, she probably is an amazing person...believe me when you are addicted you are not happy.
You have confronted her and she denies it.... what happens, everybody gets defensive and righteous, trust, hurt, lies, the whole family is in pain.
It is important that you get everything out in the open, be honest with her. listen to her and encourage her to talk, make it safe for her to talk...avoid the use of strategies and agendas, she has that one covered and you don't need to mirror it.
Seriously, set and keep your boundaries, don't enable her or try pleading, punishing, begging, yelling...but do try and encourage, listen, motivate and be consistent and communicate.
IMO, I would try talking with her and listen for the cues to really listen...let her know about options available and your concerns...when you get addicted you can get so stuck.
My heart goes out to you and hope that you get the help and support for yourself.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by punkboy15
I have only been able to find a couple of directories and so far the closest one is an hour away. I think it might be hard to explain where I am going for 3 hours.
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