Seeking some perspective
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 12
Seeking some perspective
Hi all,
Cliff notes to my backstory (or look in my posts, I'm only in one tread):
Background: My girlfriend who I began dating a little over a year ago is a recovering heroin addict, and has been maintaining with suboxone for close to ten years.
What brought me to this forum: She wasn't quite as "clean" as I had believed at first, and the problems added up. This included snorting ritalin, staying up for days on end, drinking heavily, and perhaps other things. She went into what appeared to be convulsions one morning, and so I posted in the forums seeking advice.
---
NOW (today) --
Good news: I found a very helpful addiction therapist around the time I posted that (July), and my AGF was fully willing to participate. She has been attending AA meetings religiously, got and has kept a job, completely stopped taking her Ritalin, has taken sleeping pills only a couple of times, hasn't drank, doesn't take other addictive substances (benzos), and is weening down on her suboxone. She was fluctuating around 6mg in July. She is alternating 2 and 4mg suboxone now... Furthermore, she has not had nearly the same issues in staying up for days on end as she was when she was on Ritalin (though sleep is still an issue), and all around seems healthier.
Maybe not great: The addiction therapist wanted me to start attending al/nar-anon meetings. For better or for worse, I have not. I do have several hesitations, perhaps the biggest being that I'll feel extremely uncomfortable being the only young boyfriend in the group, but also just a little freaked out about the whole "Hi Name!" enthusiasm - feel like if I go, I'll be bolting out in anxiety... Furthermore, I know about the programs and addiction in general to a much greater extent than most people who haven't attended a meeting (family members/friends with addiction, parents in the mental health field, and lots of reading)... My GF has felt that by me not attending those meetings, I haven't been showing her support... I am completely cool with therapy though, and have attended couples sessions several times, and would go on my own (will be more motivated now).
Downside + QUESTIONS:
Our relationship came to a head over the weekend. She has become increasingly secretive in her life with the AA meetings, and I know that some in the program want her to be single (she's told me). I can't stand that I've never met a single one of her local friends; she goes to one hour meetings, and comes home several hours later sometimes, and tells me just about nothing, but she's always with a "girlfriend." I've met other people in NA/AA who were friends of my brothers or friends of friends - through the program. But I can't meet any of my girlfriend's friends from the program? Is this normal?
Anyway, an argument occurred over the weekend because she was transferring files from her phone to laptop but having issues. Long story short - my offer to help resulted in an obvious concern of hers that I would have her pictures. So I asked her to let me see her pictures on her phone, and she refused, and then refused my help (telling me she would have one of her AA friends help instead). It seems weird to me that I can't see her pictures; I have absolutely no pictures to hide from her. Plus, I saw all her pictures from before she was in AA, so it couldn't be anything from the distant past she's worried about.
After this, I became very suspicious. Her laptop was still up, and I looked and saw Facebook was up in a closed browser window. I saw some very long conversations going on with at least 2 men from the area (some looked like daily conversations), possibly in the program, who she has never told me about. One sentence that caught my attention was, "I'll get back to you later when I have some privacy." Is it ok for her to seek privacy away from me with these new male-AA friends of hers? I didn't catch much. She came in, saw me snooping, got horrified, and slammed the laptop closed.
She refused to tell me anything. And now it appears we are broken up, at least temporarily (since yesterday), over it and her therapist is supporting this.
Was I wrong to look?
I don't really believe she has cheated, but the secretiveness makes me feel otherwise.
Just looking for thoughts I guess.
Cliff notes to my backstory (or look in my posts, I'm only in one tread):
Background: My girlfriend who I began dating a little over a year ago is a recovering heroin addict, and has been maintaining with suboxone for close to ten years.
What brought me to this forum: She wasn't quite as "clean" as I had believed at first, and the problems added up. This included snorting ritalin, staying up for days on end, drinking heavily, and perhaps other things. She went into what appeared to be convulsions one morning, and so I posted in the forums seeking advice.
---
NOW (today) --
Good news: I found a very helpful addiction therapist around the time I posted that (July), and my AGF was fully willing to participate. She has been attending AA meetings religiously, got and has kept a job, completely stopped taking her Ritalin, has taken sleeping pills only a couple of times, hasn't drank, doesn't take other addictive substances (benzos), and is weening down on her suboxone. She was fluctuating around 6mg in July. She is alternating 2 and 4mg suboxone now... Furthermore, she has not had nearly the same issues in staying up for days on end as she was when she was on Ritalin (though sleep is still an issue), and all around seems healthier.
Maybe not great: The addiction therapist wanted me to start attending al/nar-anon meetings. For better or for worse, I have not. I do have several hesitations, perhaps the biggest being that I'll feel extremely uncomfortable being the only young boyfriend in the group, but also just a little freaked out about the whole "Hi Name!" enthusiasm - feel like if I go, I'll be bolting out in anxiety... Furthermore, I know about the programs and addiction in general to a much greater extent than most people who haven't attended a meeting (family members/friends with addiction, parents in the mental health field, and lots of reading)... My GF has felt that by me not attending those meetings, I haven't been showing her support... I am completely cool with therapy though, and have attended couples sessions several times, and would go on my own (will be more motivated now).
Downside + QUESTIONS:
Our relationship came to a head over the weekend. She has become increasingly secretive in her life with the AA meetings, and I know that some in the program want her to be single (she's told me). I can't stand that I've never met a single one of her local friends; she goes to one hour meetings, and comes home several hours later sometimes, and tells me just about nothing, but she's always with a "girlfriend." I've met other people in NA/AA who were friends of my brothers or friends of friends - through the program. But I can't meet any of my girlfriend's friends from the program? Is this normal?
Anyway, an argument occurred over the weekend because she was transferring files from her phone to laptop but having issues. Long story short - my offer to help resulted in an obvious concern of hers that I would have her pictures. So I asked her to let me see her pictures on her phone, and she refused, and then refused my help (telling me she would have one of her AA friends help instead). It seems weird to me that I can't see her pictures; I have absolutely no pictures to hide from her. Plus, I saw all her pictures from before she was in AA, so it couldn't be anything from the distant past she's worried about.
After this, I became very suspicious. Her laptop was still up, and I looked and saw Facebook was up in a closed browser window. I saw some very long conversations going on with at least 2 men from the area (some looked like daily conversations), possibly in the program, who she has never told me about. One sentence that caught my attention was, "I'll get back to you later when I have some privacy." Is it ok for her to seek privacy away from me with these new male-AA friends of hers? I didn't catch much. She came in, saw me snooping, got horrified, and slammed the laptop closed.
She refused to tell me anything. And now it appears we are broken up, at least temporarily (since yesterday), over it and her therapist is supporting this.
Was I wrong to look?
I don't really believe she has cheated, but the secretiveness makes me feel otherwise.
Just looking for thoughts I guess.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
Addicts are told when they get into the program to not be in a relationship for a year (if they aren't married). I went to meetings all the time with my AXH, so I met everyone. He didn't carry on secretive conversations with other members back then. The thing that bothers me about your post is that she's not being straight forward and honest which is a part of being in the program. I would seriously look at this situation and ask myself if I even want this to be a part of my life anymore anyway. Lying or omitting is never good even with a partner that doesn't have addictions...Just my opinion. Having married a recovering addict who relapsed twice, I would say take this as your out and move on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by overit263 
Addicts are told when they get into the program to not be in a relationship for a year (if they aren't married). I went to meetings all the time with my AXH, so I met everyone. He didn't carry on secretive conversations with other members back then. The thing that bothers me about your post is that she's not being straight forward and honest which is a part of being in the program. I would seriously look at this situation and ask myself if I even want this to be a part of my life anymore anyway. Lying or omitting is never good even with a partner that doesn't have addictions...Just my opinion. Having married a recovering addict who relapsed twice, I would say take this as your out and move on.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
I'm sorry for what you are dealing with. She doesn't sound as if she's being upfront and honest. I agree that you might want to consider checking out an al anon meeting. I believe anyone could only benefit from them. I've never received any advice geared towards what I should do to my addict or how to deal with certain situations. These programs are truly about learning about ourselves. Healthy and appropriate boundaries. The things that are ours to own. It's about accepting we are powerless. The decisions to change must come from the addict/alcoholic...but we can certainly improve our reactions etc. Give it a whirl. You don't have to share and you only introduce yourself by your first name. When I began attending I was finally able to start detaching from my son's addiction. After 6 very long years.
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