jarp

Hope this isn't too identifying.

I am very new to trying to address my codie issues.

My current issue is that I work with my AH. We both report to the MD. AH is a senior manager and I am in HR.

The MD has just spoken to me about the fact that he is going to talk to my AH about his noticeable increase in drinking and the fact that he is clearly not in a good mental head space at the moment (AH was diagnosed bi-polar 7 years ago whilst he was at this work place and whilst he kept his job he was temporarily demoted. Currently not being medicated and I doubt his diagnosis). When I say the MD is going to 'talk' to him about it - it wont be a nice chat....and I know my AH will go plummeting - or may even throw in his resignation. And the MD is right - AH has been in a terrible place the last few months.

Last week my AH went out with staff and got drunk (does this frequently but this time in work hours AND got caught). He then came back to work (drunk) but said he was going for a rest, then went drinking with another staff member, and then turned up at our Xmas party so drunk that several people mentioned or complained about it to our MD. I did drag him out of there - without a scene....but it was just too late.

Also the MD said he tried to contact me to tell me that if AH was drunk that I was not to bring him to the party - but I didn't get that message in time.

I am in such a conflict of interest.....do I give him the heads up so he prepares himself? That would be my usual behaviour - but I am suspecting that isn't healthy. Plus then I'll cop it from AH.

It's hard when we are so financially bound together that if he loses his job (resigns) then we are totally stuffed...we'll lose the house very quickly.

I have to let him hit rock bottom don't I?

My long term plan (with therapist) is that I need to find a new job....but there aren't any job in my area until about Feb next year.

What to do?

Lulu39

HIs job is not your responsibility.

I think the MD has told you about the not so nice chat he plans to have with your AH so you can "pave the way". But if you do, then that's not healthy for you.

You telling your AH about the not so nice chat is not going to change the outcome of the chat. You have no power over this situation.

I find the MD trying to tell you not to bring your AH to the party if he was drunk a bit triggering - you can't stop him getting drunk nor would you have been able to stop him coming to the party! Imagine if you had tried!

CarryOn

I also work in HR...and I know that part of my job is often knowing about difficult decisions or conversations before they take place. My role is to provide advice on compliance/policy/procedure/etc to the person acting on behalf of the company and often participate, not to pave the way for the conversation or event with the employee. Obviously, you are in a very difficult spot as this is your AH. IMHO, you have a duty, as a HR professional, to keep this confidential.

Also, from a codie perspective, I think you need to step back and allow your AH to feel the consequences of his actions. I know this is difficult enough when it is not your spouse, so I can only imagine how hard this is.

I wish you strength as these issues are addressed around you, and encourage you to stay out of the way.

JustBarely

Hello fellow Codie!
I understand your conflict, but first and foremost you need to think about you. While this may sound selfish, you are talking about your livelihood, your career. You will need that with or without him, right?
I'm new to this too, and it's been an emotional roller coaster. Part of axing the Codie in yourself is to put the responsibility and the consequences of his drinking on him. You can fix him, you can't cure him, and you're certainly not responsible for his idiocy. Of course, since he isn't in any kind of recovery, if you don't give him a heads up, he is going to see it as a betrayal within your marriage. Don't let him use that on you. He needs to man up, so to speak, and accept that he and his addiction have gotten him into this situation. Ultimately, it's your choice, but I'd saying if you wanted to break the Codie cycle, don't tell him and let the chips fall where they may because they are going to anyway. The talk is going to happen whether you tell him it's going to or not, so it's out of your control either way.
I would also have a talk with your boss as well and explain that he/she needs to address everything to do with him, or you for that matter, just for what it is...a work situation. While they were probably just trying to give you a heads up so that you could prepare, it also puts you in a tough position. Your carreer versus your marriage. This way you can honestly say that you didn't know.
As far as the Christmas party goes, tell them to stuff it because you're not responsible for his actions. Telling you not to bring him if he's drunk was wrong. He is not your child, so don't blame yourself one little bit

*Hugs* sweetie. I feel your pain...and frustration.