Amazing what happened once I focused on my recovery and let go of his
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Amazing what happened once I focused on my recovery and let go of his
About six months ago I made the final legal separation from my XAH...for me it was a slow band aid, from living apart but staying married, to accepting what was and working on me to legally separating financially and moving across the city. I started pursing my own life - back to my dream of writing a novel, back to actually doing my work (My procrastinating was so bad I actually had no time to do anything but work when I lived there), back to pursuing a new job I may actually not dread all the time (still working on that one but the point is it's in progress). I have made some new friends and ditched some old ones (the ones that "felt sorry" for me were the first to go) and I am working hard at letting my NPD mother go completely (so from NC physically to NC emotionally). I have learned to do what's right for me - regular Alanon attendance wasn't it, though I used some of the skills I learned in my year there. My XAH and I get a long from a safe distance with my strong boundaries in place - I have learned to step away when needed and if he is sober and and calls and I feel like talking I do, if not I don't. It's really that simple.
When I left I left with no ultimatums, no words of wisdom, nada. I simply told him it wasn't healthy for me to live there anymore and I wished him the best with his life choices. So I had zero expectations. I dropped the rope but not with any strings attached, I dropped it for me and me only. Then I moved into my new place decorated it my way and started walking around this cool nearby reservoir every day and step by step I met friends and started writing again...of course I continue therapy for me.
Well my XAH hit a severe bottom once I left - lots of the typical crazy stuff - DUI, hanging out overnight in the city's bum colony etc.
And now he's in rehab on his own - it's his third rehab but it's the only one that I didn't "assist" him with - this time no pressure or manipulation from me to get him in there. And he got his first call the other day and I could hear the change. For the first time he is doing this with his own resources on his own and that has made all the difference so far. My "help" was a hindrance plain and simple. And all those other times he went to rehab I would sit home and feel anxiety and try to manage things...not this time. It may or may not succeed but in my estimation this is his first real attempt at recovery - the reason is it is HIS attempt not mine for him. I'm happy for him and wish him the best....and he likely could relapse...that's what happens a lot of the time. But if he does it's up to him to get back on the train not me. I remember when I first came here thinking he couldn't handle things on his own - how condescending of me, he is a human capable of his own life and his own decisions. And it's showing.
I guess my point is when I helped my loved one in "recovery" it wasn't an authentic recovery - only when I let go could that possibility even happen. And when it really was real I just knew it for that reason....when I was "helping" I guess I knew deep down it wasn't a real recovery attempt.
I doubt we will ever live together again or get back together but for the first time I don't feel our current relationship (which is mere acquaintances) is one sided...I do me and he does him.
Things do get better....I am known for hating the holidays and this is the first year in many I don't feel that bad about them - I have been talking to friends, doing small gift exchange and having fun without planning it...so if an event comes up and I'm invited I just sort of decide at the spur of the moment...and if I feel good about it I go and if not I don't. And it's working great. As far as a "relationship" in my life goes well I have me, my friends, my co-workers - no "traditional family" or "husband"...and you know what. I feel FINE...better than fine, I feel good. Once I realized my hang up on needing to have a "relationship" was more about what other people thought than what I thought well it just sort of slid downhill on the importance scale. If I find one I do and if not not. In the meantime I've been invited to several holiday parties and various get-togethers as well as becoming part of a writing group and quite honestly that keeps me pretty busy and feels great. And any "friend" that "feels bad" for me isn't a friend at all and is no longer in my life...them feeling bad for me is about their own issues not about me and I just don't need that in my life.
I think for me the key was finding my own answers - therapy helped me start finding my authentic answers. There is no formula or set way I don't think other than finding yourself.
When I left I left with no ultimatums, no words of wisdom, nada. I simply told him it wasn't healthy for me to live there anymore and I wished him the best with his life choices. So I had zero expectations. I dropped the rope but not with any strings attached, I dropped it for me and me only. Then I moved into my new place decorated it my way and started walking around this cool nearby reservoir every day and step by step I met friends and started writing again...of course I continue therapy for me.
Well my XAH hit a severe bottom once I left - lots of the typical crazy stuff - DUI, hanging out overnight in the city's bum colony etc.
And now he's in rehab on his own - it's his third rehab but it's the only one that I didn't "assist" him with - this time no pressure or manipulation from me to get him in there. And he got his first call the other day and I could hear the change. For the first time he is doing this with his own resources on his own and that has made all the difference so far. My "help" was a hindrance plain and simple. And all those other times he went to rehab I would sit home and feel anxiety and try to manage things...not this time. It may or may not succeed but in my estimation this is his first real attempt at recovery - the reason is it is HIS attempt not mine for him. I'm happy for him and wish him the best....and he likely could relapse...that's what happens a lot of the time. But if he does it's up to him to get back on the train not me. I remember when I first came here thinking he couldn't handle things on his own - how condescending of me, he is a human capable of his own life and his own decisions. And it's showing.
I guess my point is when I helped my loved one in "recovery" it wasn't an authentic recovery - only when I let go could that possibility even happen. And when it really was real I just knew it for that reason....when I was "helping" I guess I knew deep down it wasn't a real recovery attempt.
I doubt we will ever live together again or get back together but for the first time I don't feel our current relationship (which is mere acquaintances) is one sided...I do me and he does him.
Things do get better....I am known for hating the holidays and this is the first year in many I don't feel that bad about them - I have been talking to friends, doing small gift exchange and having fun without planning it...so if an event comes up and I'm invited I just sort of decide at the spur of the moment...and if I feel good about it I go and if not I don't. And it's working great. As far as a "relationship" in my life goes well I have me, my friends, my co-workers - no "traditional family" or "husband"...and you know what. I feel FINE...better than fine, I feel good. Once I realized my hang up on needing to have a "relationship" was more about what other people thought than what I thought well it just sort of slid downhill on the importance scale. If I find one I do and if not not. In the meantime I've been invited to several holiday parties and various get-togethers as well as becoming part of a writing group and quite honestly that keeps me pretty busy and feels great. And any "friend" that "feels bad" for me isn't a friend at all and is no longer in my life...them feeling bad for me is about their own issues not about me and I just don't need that in my life.
I think for me the key was finding my own answers - therapy helped me start finding my authentic answers. There is no formula or set way I don't think other than finding yourself.
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Aeryn, I enjoyed your post and though I am on my way to making positive changes in my life I still have some work to do. Reading your post inspired me to carry on and keep taking care of myself. The XAB is not in recovery and I don't know if he ever will be but I know that has to be his decision. Like you, I gave no ultimatums just quietly started getting on with my life, moved farther away and stopped reacting to him when he tried to push my buttons. Thanks for your positive message and wishing you continued happiness and success!
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