frannie

My daughter was in rehab for drugs and alcohol about 2 years ago. I know I am codependent...was then and still am. I just can't seem to get the courage or anger or whatever it takes to detach. She is my only child and knows how to play me like a baby grand piano. I know that I am being manipulated but don't do anything about it. Pretty sure she dabbles in drinking and drugging but can't prove it and she won't admit it. She lives with us..has a full time job but now enough to live on her own. Her father agrees that we will not put her out on the street as most advise us to do so that we can have a life. Help me do something to detach with her still here in the house. Thanks

Jody515

I just want to tell you about myself. I am an addict. I have a mother like you. I am in recovery now but she dose not understand my addiction. You need to learn about your daughters addiction first of all. You have to understand an addict. They will do anything for drugs. You don't want to put her out I can see that. I don't know if I could do that to one of my kids. I just want to tell you don't give her any money no matter what she says it is for. Don't let her use your car to go any where. And don't let her make you feel bad for not giving her anything. I am just like her. I know what she is thinking and doing to you. You need to tell her that you will let her live there but that is it. No more! I know you said she has a job but she will run out of money sooner or later. So just beware. She will steal from you too. That is if she is using like you think she is. You have to remember that is not your daughter. She will do things that you will not like and try to make yourself believe that she is not like that, but I asure you addicts will do whatever they have to for there high. I am not trying to scare you but this is reality of a true addict. And if she is not doing these things yet she will be. One thing you should remember is that an addict that is using is not in control of there lives. The drugs are. She is very powerless over what she is doing to you and herself. Also she has to want it. She has to want to stop the insanity of acctively using. Believe me it is insanity. I hope this helps you. My mother was very bad for me when I was using. I would do very bad things to her and she would still give me money. If I can get clean so can your daughter just always remember there is hope for her. I will pray for you and your family. God Bless You!

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Frannie, and welcome!

That detaching thing... it's hard. Some of us work and work at it, think we've got it and then bust ourselves trying to control the situation again. The thing that worked for me was immersing myself in this board and all kinds of codie literature. I liked reading other peoples stories, because I could see myself in them. Remembering what I read helped me to catch myself and stop doing those codie things. But it was still a little at a time and I still have to put the brakes on a lot.

Jody has a good suggestion too. Take about a week and make yourself sick to your stomach reading all about addiction. It will become very clear to you that there is just nothing you can do to control addiction in another person... then maybe you will be able to turn your attention to yourself. That's detaching... phase one.

And do something nice just for yourself today. That's detaching, too. One small victory at a time!

Hugs,
Smoke

Dust Bunny

For nearly a year I have been reading and learning about detatchment. There is a lot of information about what detachment IS but very little on HOW to do it.

I agree that learning about the disease is the first step. It will help you recognize the characteristics of addiction so that you can prepare to detatch from them.

The next step is to look at yourself! Yes YOU! NOT the addict. Decide what you want for yourself... what you would like for your homelife to be like ... what you can live with and what you no longer wish to tolerate. Maybe write it all out. Then start learning to recognize the behaviours that interfer with this wish list. Don't beat yourself up about giving in. Just learn to recognize them. Mistakes and backslides are going to happen. That is normal and to be expected. "Progress not Perfection".

Now I suggest that you focus on one specific behaviour. Read about setting boundaries and how to handle unacceptable behaviour. You are not going to learn this overnight and your Addicted loved one is going to do everything in their power to thwart your attitude change. It is important to be patient and kind and loving without allowing the A to over step your boundaries. Baby steps.

Gotta end here. hope this helps. :-)

frannie

:sink
All of your words and replies were appreciated and have helped to at least point me somewhere. I don't have any proof that my daughter is drinking or drugging again...just paranoia...I recognize all the patterns of behavior from the days before she went to rehab. She stole thousands from me because she stole a check book and wrote checks forging my name. We should have had her arrested but did not, of course...too codependent for that. She,too would treat me horribly and after she buttered me up for a while, I would give her money...she is, afterall, my only daughter and I have the money so it was my duty to give it to her...that is what I actually thought. Now i know better,somewhat..not a lot but somewhat. Her behavior has not returned to the old ways she was before rehab...like you said..I am just afraid that they will. My fear is intensified because she has just ended a relationship with a guy that was very intense...they both said some very mean and awful things to each other...so I don't think there will ever be a reconciliation. Her father and i thought this guy was going to be great for her...a few years older than she, good job, just bought a house, did not do drugs at all...did not think he drank more that an occasional wine. Wrong Wrong Wrong...he does not do drugs but turns out to be stuck on a high school level of maturity...wants to spend all weekend getting drunk...Friday and Saturday...don't know how he manages the hangovers! My daughter would drink with him but would want to stop far before he did...he usually would drink until he got sick. The last 2 weekends he has put her in situations where she had to drive after having had something to drink. It was either drive or walk...After hearing that I was just sick..I guess there are no perfect guys out there. They broke up this weekend anyway...I am just afraid she will have tailspin and get depressed and perhaps really fall off the half of the wagon she is onl. Failed relationships can sometimes do that to her. She seems fine now...we shall see. As I said she is not exhibiting any of the old behavior yet but i am ready and worried she will. I don't know what I am going to do if she does backslide..so being ready sounds much tougher than it is. We have threatened to make her leave home...but she just says no she is not going because she doesn't have anywhere to go...very true. No family or girlfriends to fall back on. Has no girl friends actually...so she confides in me, which is hard for me because then I know too much and live through all the emotional ups and downs myself. Very unhealthy. That is one of the reasons I think I am so codependent and controlling. Perhaps she is telling me all this because she wants me to be involved and try to enable her in some way...in other words it just occurred to me that she is so manipulative that her confiding in me is just another manipulation...what should I do..just cut her off cold turkey and tell her i don't want to hear about her relationships...she doesn't get graphic and talk about sex at all...She is an extremely beautiful girl...beautiful bone structure (not from me) beautiful skin that requires no make up, tall and leggy, not too skinny, has very big breasts with lots of attractive cleavage for guys who like that. Great sense of humor...outgoing, insecure under it all...but because of many of the aforementioned, she has guys asking her out all the time...there is rarely a passage of more that a few days before she has a guy on the hook. Most of them she throws back in after only a few weeks. I don't think she will ever settle down. I try to remember that she is young, barely 24, and that she has time to mend her ways...but sometimes I despair that she will never get totally clean. What do you think about her non using actions so far..is she just hiding it from me...will she return to the same old mean using addict? Am I just being a paranoid mother...but a watchful one. Why is it so hard for me to detach? I teach school and manage not to obsess about her during the school days...I am too busy to worry...but this is summer and I have nothing to do but worry and imagine things..She always seems to save her worst behavior for the summer...could she be rebelling from my overly instense scrutiny during the summer month??? Thanks for the support...please provide some more...I seem to be having a minor come apart due to all this lovliness and I refuse to let her do that to me again.

Dust Bunny

We have some A friends that attend our Al Anon groups. They tell us that going to rehab is just the discovery phase. What happens afterward is the recovery phase. Your daughter is going through a period of learning about herself and how to cope with her addiction. She is having to make new friends and adopt new attitudes while still dealing with the old baggage of addiction. That is OK. It is not your job to make it easier or harder. Her recovery is her responsibility ... not yours.

Part of her recovery is learning to accept the consequences of her actions. If her cell phone gets cut off because she blew money on an expensive outfit, she needs to learn to accept that consequence and eventually modify her behaviour to prevent it happening again. By giving her money, you are hindering that process. If she is using again, that is not your problem. The only problem you have in this regard, is you are allowing her to manipulate you into giving her money when she may not need it and possibly should not have it.

Is she attending any group support meetings like AA? If not, gently encourage her to do so. Don't nag, beg, plead or bargain... just put a bug in her ear. The rest is up to her. If she is already attending meetings, applaude those efforts. Let her know that you respect and admire her efforts. If she is having a difficult day or seems upset, suggest she call her sponsor or go to a meeting. You have set boundaries (I hope). It is up to you to enforce them and her responsibility to respect them. She doesn't have to like it, but she does have to respect you and your home. Then let it go and trust in God to take care of the rest.

Let's assume that giving her money is the first boundary you want to set. I mention it ONLY because you stated in your post that you felt this was a behaviour you want to change. Let's focus ONLY on this boundary. You can prepare by noticing your daughter's attitude and behaviour just before she asks for money. Right now it is not important whether or not you give in. Just watch and reflect afterwards. Are there any phrases or past events that she uses to obtain guilt or pity from you? Learn to identify what she is doing to manipulate you into giving her money. When you feel you are strong enough to confront her, let her know that you will be giving her no more money... period! Be gentle but firm. You are providing her with a place to sleep and nourishment. The rest is HER responsibility. Make sure she cannot access your money or credit cards. If necessary, install locks to your home office or bedroom. You may also want to consider purchasing a small safe or lock box.

When you have done everything you can to enforce this boundary and feel comfortable with it, congratulate yourself and celebrate the occassion. You have taken a GIGANTIC step. Now you can prepare for your next boundary.

Everything in this post are just suggestions. Of course there are probably situations I have outlined that may not be applicable to you. "Take what you like and leave the rest". I hope that ~something~ I posted may give you some degree of help or comfort. Feel free to PM me if you wish to talk further.

Jody515

Hi this is Jody again. I feel for you. Your daughter sounds just like me. I am thirty years old now but when I was 24 I was the same way. What I see from your daughter is that she is trying to stay off the drugs and still drink. That is not possiable in recovery. What I would say is for you to suggest meetings to her. So she dose not have to tell you everything. Suggest that she starts working the 12 steps because drugs and drinking are only a small part of her problems. If she would do this she would beable to find a guy. I am just telling you that in my life working the steps has made my life so much better. I had to look at myself. One thing that is good about being clean is that you get your feelings back. The bad thing is that you get your feelings back. You have to learn how to deal with your feelings and not us over them. I know for me that when ever I felt anything I wanted to use. Just to make it go away. And it is not only drugs or drinking that you can do this with. I know that I would shop till I just could not walk anymore. Anything to make my pain go away. Fighting with my boyfriend or my parents. It did not matter to me. I am an addict of everthing that makes me feel good. I hope that I helped you a little bit. I am just giving what happen in my life. You wish you the well and will pray for you and your family. God bless!

frannie

Thanks so much, Dust Bunny for your wise words. I will try to conquer the money issue beginning tonight. And dear, dear, Jody, you cannot imagine how helpful it was to hear from someone who is "like my daughter". I even printed your response so that I could read and reread it. You are right...my daughter is trying to control the alcohol and drugs...not totally be clean of them. The manipulation advice is much needed and will be put to use immediately...I think what she does is make me feel sorry for her...unhappy time in a relationship with a guy, etc, Mostly it has to do with guys. When I feel sorry for her she pounces for the money, which I give the poor poor thing to make her feel better. Your words about trying to avoid the pain ring so true to my ears..she used to shut herself in her bedroom for days at a time and just sleep and lie there...she had no job. But one thing I don't understand, what is that pain and what causes it? Because even the drugs she takes are prescription meds (remember i told you that she works in the OR at the hospital and Drs. seem to write her ridiculous scrips...but did I also tell you she is drop dead gorgeous...naturally and without make up or effort...put that with a funny outgoing personality and you have one deadly manipulator who gets her way with strangers much of the time simply because she is so lovely). Can you just explain that pain inside?? That is why she drinks and drugs,,,not for the high...she has told me that on occasion. But again, thanks Jody.