Unsure of myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Basildon, Essex
Posts: 2
Unsure of myself
Hi everyone, it's nice to speak to you all, this is the first time I've ever done anything like this so bear with me while I bear my soul.
I'll start with a little bit about myself, I'm 25 and I work full time, I'm pretty useful at my job and am generally well liked by everyone. I'm quite socially introverted but can be one of the lads if I'm with certain people I like who can bring it out of me. I'm generally quiet and enjoy a good laugh, I've had bouts of drawn out depression, nothing too bad but I have a difficult relationship with my mother (cliche, I know tell me about it)
Anyway I've been drinking since I was about fourteen, fifteen. I started out bunking off school and downing white lightning with my mates around one of my pals house until we were completely mashed up. Unfortunately I fell in with the wrong crowd and started smoking weed, by the time I was 17 or 18 I was snorting cocaine pretty regularly, or as regularly as I could afford which was about once a week.
I was quite big then and eventually got to be obese. I had a moment of clarity after a bad time on ecstasy and decided to quit the hard drugs permanently. I wont lie I still smoke weed on occasion but only very rarely. I also lost more than seven stone and have since become something of a gym rat, I'm in there several days a week.
My problem with alcohol is I can go six months without a drink easy, but when I do drink I can't help binging and then I get an inhibition and an urge to do the coke again. So usually I don't drink.
Lately the urge for coke hasn't arrived but previously when I had given in to temptation it was perhaps better than the alternative, as anyone on here who has done coke while intoxicated can tell you it cuts through the booze like a knife due to the stimulation it gives you and overpowers it.
The last two times I drank were disasters. Last friday I went to a club with a friend and I started chatting up a girl at the bar, we had been drinking heavily at my friends house and I was already very drunk. I blacked out and had an argument with a guy who was also trying to chat her up, I'm not sure if I stepped on his toes because I honestly don't remember. My friend said we started insulting each other then he said something about my mum which made me lose my temper, I swung for him, missed and struck the girl knocking her to the ground. This is not something I'm proud of, I still don't recall the incident now.
Oddly, nothing happened, no-one got thrown out, the girl was actually fine but left soon after (who can blame her) and me and the guy were separated by my friend (he's a big guy) and not even thrown out. We left and I don't remember getting home, I spoke to my friend the next day and he told me what had happened. Obviously I was very ashamed of myself.
But like an idiot I went out again Wednesday on a work do with the same friend. We were actually having a lot of fun, me and my friend stayed for around four hours then left, hitting the bars on the way back to the train station. Then I blacked out again. The next thing I remember was throwing up on my bedroom floor while rushing to the toilet. I had to be up at 6am for work, somehow I survived the day.
However the next day my friend put a picture of me on facebook in an extreme state of inebriation, it was not a flattering photo. I posted something pretty horrible about him and text him telling him what I thought he was, he then decided to tell me that I had insulted him several times in a spiteful and personal way at the end of the night. I've insulted him before when drunk but this time apparently it was much worse, he took it to heart and that was his retaliation. Apparently he had resisted the temptation to beat me up (he is perfectly capable) and got me home instead.
Obviously I'm still pretty upset he decided to publicly humiliate me and we are on the outs at the moment. We've had huge rows before and got over it, I once kissed a girl he really liked (during one of my blackout periods of course) which caused him to not talk to me for a while. I know exactly what I sound like, a piece of **** and believe me I understand that. Despite a lot of people not understanding why I get on with him, he has done some horrible things to me in the past he has always been good to me more recently and anything I say about him would just sound like an excuse on my part.
Reading back through this I realise I will have to apologise to him as although we are talking we are not on good terms at all. He enables me a lot though, he's a heavyweight drinker, I never see him really drunk but he buys me shot after shot and he knows exactly what I get like so I can't really understand why he does that.
Anyway I know I've rambled on and written a hell of a lot more than I intended to but I know I need to sort myself out and quick before I've alienated all my friends and family. I'm going to quit the drink, I'm not sure how considering everybody I know drinks a lot. I think about just drinking beer or drinking a soft drink between every hard drink but to be honest I'm not sure that will help, maybe I'll try I don't know. Anyway if you've read all this you have my thanks and I'm impressed with your perseverance, any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I'll start with a little bit about myself, I'm 25 and I work full time, I'm pretty useful at my job and am generally well liked by everyone. I'm quite socially introverted but can be one of the lads if I'm with certain people I like who can bring it out of me. I'm generally quiet and enjoy a good laugh, I've had bouts of drawn out depression, nothing too bad but I have a difficult relationship with my mother (cliche, I know tell me about it)
Anyway I've been drinking since I was about fourteen, fifteen. I started out bunking off school and downing white lightning with my mates around one of my pals house until we were completely mashed up. Unfortunately I fell in with the wrong crowd and started smoking weed, by the time I was 17 or 18 I was snorting cocaine pretty regularly, or as regularly as I could afford which was about once a week.
I was quite big then and eventually got to be obese. I had a moment of clarity after a bad time on ecstasy and decided to quit the hard drugs permanently. I wont lie I still smoke weed on occasion but only very rarely. I also lost more than seven stone and have since become something of a gym rat, I'm in there several days a week.
My problem with alcohol is I can go six months without a drink easy, but when I do drink I can't help binging and then I get an inhibition and an urge to do the coke again. So usually I don't drink.
Lately the urge for coke hasn't arrived but previously when I had given in to temptation it was perhaps better than the alternative, as anyone on here who has done coke while intoxicated can tell you it cuts through the booze like a knife due to the stimulation it gives you and overpowers it.
The last two times I drank were disasters. Last friday I went to a club with a friend and I started chatting up a girl at the bar, we had been drinking heavily at my friends house and I was already very drunk. I blacked out and had an argument with a guy who was also trying to chat her up, I'm not sure if I stepped on his toes because I honestly don't remember. My friend said we started insulting each other then he said something about my mum which made me lose my temper, I swung for him, missed and struck the girl knocking her to the ground. This is not something I'm proud of, I still don't recall the incident now.
Oddly, nothing happened, no-one got thrown out, the girl was actually fine but left soon after (who can blame her) and me and the guy were separated by my friend (he's a big guy) and not even thrown out. We left and I don't remember getting home, I spoke to my friend the next day and he told me what had happened. Obviously I was very ashamed of myself.
But like an idiot I went out again Wednesday on a work do with the same friend. We were actually having a lot of fun, me and my friend stayed for around four hours then left, hitting the bars on the way back to the train station. Then I blacked out again. The next thing I remember was throwing up on my bedroom floor while rushing to the toilet. I had to be up at 6am for work, somehow I survived the day.
However the next day my friend put a picture of me on facebook in an extreme state of inebriation, it was not a flattering photo. I posted something pretty horrible about him and text him telling him what I thought he was, he then decided to tell me that I had insulted him several times in a spiteful and personal way at the end of the night. I've insulted him before when drunk but this time apparently it was much worse, he took it to heart and that was his retaliation. Apparently he had resisted the temptation to beat me up (he is perfectly capable) and got me home instead.
Obviously I'm still pretty upset he decided to publicly humiliate me and we are on the outs at the moment. We've had huge rows before and got over it, I once kissed a girl he really liked (during one of my blackout periods of course) which caused him to not talk to me for a while. I know exactly what I sound like, a piece of **** and believe me I understand that. Despite a lot of people not understanding why I get on with him, he has done some horrible things to me in the past he has always been good to me more recently and anything I say about him would just sound like an excuse on my part.
Reading back through this I realise I will have to apologise to him as although we are talking we are not on good terms at all. He enables me a lot though, he's a heavyweight drinker, I never see him really drunk but he buys me shot after shot and he knows exactly what I get like so I can't really understand why he does that.
Anyway I know I've rambled on and written a hell of a lot more than I intended to but I know I need to sort myself out and quick before I've alienated all my friends and family. I'm going to quit the drink, I'm not sure how considering everybody I know drinks a lot. I think about just drinking beer or drinking a soft drink between every hard drink but to be honest I'm not sure that will help, maybe I'll try I don't know. Anyway if you've read all this you have my thanks and I'm impressed with your perseverance, any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Hi and Welcome,
The brutal fact is that you are responsible for what happens, even if in a blackout. I know, because I used to blackout too, at the end of my drinking days. It's the most scary thing ever. I hope you decide to stop drinking.
Reading your post, I understand how you are upset with your friend for posting on Facebook. What about the girl you hit who fell to the ground?
If you're an alcoholic, drinking beer or moderating your drinking won't work. Alcoholics cannot drink alcohol. I hope you know that we understand how hard this is and we're here to offer support and information.
The brutal fact is that you are responsible for what happens, even if in a blackout. I know, because I used to blackout too, at the end of my drinking days. It's the most scary thing ever. I hope you decide to stop drinking.
Reading your post, I understand how you are upset with your friend for posting on Facebook. What about the girl you hit who fell to the ground?
If you're an alcoholic, drinking beer or moderating your drinking won't work. Alcoholics cannot drink alcohol. I hope you know that we understand how hard this is and we're here to offer support and information.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Basildon, Essex
Posts: 2
Thanks I'm going to make it up with him, hopefully he'll come around we've been through a lot, I don't think he's ever been this angry with me though. I wish I could find that girl and apologise to her, I wouldn't even recognise her if I saw her now.
I think that is the thing, for a long time I thought I didn't have a problem because I could go months without drinking or so I never viewed myself as an alcoholic but when I find myself in social situations I can't seem to control myself. It's good to talk to someone who knows where I'm coming from. I'd already pretty much decided I just needed the brutal truth from someone in the know, I'm going to quit today. If I need help or advice I'll be sure to ask. I'll let you know how I get on, thanks Anna.
I think that is the thing, for a long time I thought I didn't have a problem because I could go months without drinking or so I never viewed myself as an alcoholic but when I find myself in social situations I can't seem to control myself. It's good to talk to someone who knows where I'm coming from. I'd already pretty much decided I just needed the brutal truth from someone in the know, I'm going to quit today. If I need help or advice I'll be sure to ask. I'll let you know how I get on, thanks Anna.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Yeah, it's not about how often you drink, but about what happens to you when you do drink. It sounds like scary things are happening to you when you drink, so I do hope you decide to stop.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
I read your post 3 times. And after each time I said a silent prayer of thanks. I did crap like that all the time while drinking and for 5 years not ONCE have I had to wake up and think "OMG what the hell did I do last night and to whom". Without a doubt that is one of the biggest things that keeps me sober. I never want to have that feeling again.
I'm sorry, I know that doesn't help with your questions but just wanted to say thank you for posting, because you helped me with mine! Welcome to SR.
I'm sorry, I know that doesn't help with your questions but just wanted to say thank you for posting, because you helped me with mine! Welcome to SR.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Welcome. So what's troubling you? Are you troubled about your friend's post on facebook? Or are you troubled that you have a problem with drugs and alcohol?
I was once very angry at a doorman that would not let me inside a bar. He said I was too drunk to enter. I woke up the next day and marched back to that pub and told the owners about his behavior, and how he embarrassed me in front of others. Gee, I was sure upset about that jackass bouncer.
Similarly, you sound very upset about the behavior of the other guy at the bar. And your friend who posted those photos. But I wonder - when are you going to hold yourself accountable? The real problem is you. Hard to hear it, I know. Good luck in finding sobriety, you will find help here.
I was once very angry at a doorman that would not let me inside a bar. He said I was too drunk to enter. I woke up the next day and marched back to that pub and told the owners about his behavior, and how he embarrassed me in front of others. Gee, I was sure upset about that jackass bouncer.
Similarly, you sound very upset about the behavior of the other guy at the bar. And your friend who posted those photos. But I wonder - when are you going to hold yourself accountable? The real problem is you. Hard to hear it, I know. Good luck in finding sobriety, you will find help here.
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