What I Have Learned!
KingsWeaver, We Are One
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In tryinagain's heart
Posts: 103
What I Have Learned!
Hi everybody,
I just want to share with you what I have learned, that is the more I pushed my husband to cut back, stop, not to do it & just plain quit did not work! :dead:
He had to do it when he was ready and I had to wait nearly 7 long years for that to happen, he was such an :*******: at times all I wanted to do is leave. I was even making a plan to do just that many times over. He did not even see what was right in front of his eyes, or he just didn't care.
Most of the time he would talk to me it was the alcohol talking and not him, at that point I would just tune him out, which made my situation worse. At that point a big fight would break out and there would go a seemingly okay night.
We have been through a lot together and that is still no excuse but I just kept telling myself he needs this right now and tried my best to deal with it. Well, most of the time that did not go well, not at all to say the least.
We would fight about the depleating money in the checkbook for the beer and his thing was I make money why can't you just accept that fact that for once in my life that I am happy. Happy sure okay, if you call getting drunk every night happy and then fighting with your wife & daughter till the wee hours of the morning happy, okay whatever floats your boat!
So, on we went for 7 long years this way then one day his daughter decided that she just didn't want to be here on earth anymore and cut he wrist, we drove up to out house with a butt load of police in our driveway. Of course they took her away to the hospital and then he decided he needed to medicate himself some more and so he did.
I guess a light went off in his head and he decided that he needed help and until he got that help his daughter was probably not going to get any better, fighting with a 14 year old and your wife does not make for a happy home not in the least. I decided to stop asking him to slow down, stop, quit & anything else that had to do with his drinking.
I am one of the lucky one's, he did get help and not he is on meds and he is doing great! That does not mean all of the problems are gone by any means, we don't fight like we did but he still has years of issues to deal with. I really don't want to go into those, they are private and privacy is very important to us when it comes to those issues.
I got accused of being his doormat, sure she will go get the beer and whatever else he wanted and she is worthless, that is the way his family viewed it. I knew there was a real strong man inside/behind all that beer he was putting away every night. I love him with all my heart, I was raised by a woman who stood by her man, my dear father (rest his soul) and I did not think I had any other choices in the matter. Yea right now you are saying codie to the max here.
I was not trying to take care of him, I just loved him so darn much and I knew if I stuck it out long enough something had to change and change it did. His daugheter is receiving treatment now and is much better. She and I have gotten very close as I has always hoped we would some day. Her and I were at odds for many years and that alone was hard to take and to live with. I felt no matter what I said it was wrong and my husband would not back me up in most cases, he thought I was just complaing about nothing.
Anyway, all I am trying to say here is, they have to make the decision to quit or life will just get worse. The more I nagged the more I was loosing hiim, so I just started to accept things as they were. Lone behold that has all changed, he is on anti-depressants and mood elevators, he has an anger problem and these meds just chill him right out.
I know a lot of you don't have the same story as me but I am such a loving giving person and I have been through a lot with this man. So if you think I have the perfect life now, think again! Just because the beer is gone does not mean that there are no more problems, yea we don't fight but we still have our good days and bad days.
I am only writing this because I don't want anybody here on SR to think that I don't need to be here anymore. You all give me inspiration and love, I did not get that for way to many years to count. I love talking to all of you and like to help when I can :heaart:
With all that said, it is getting late and hubby wants to go to bed now as it is getting late here and we are both on meds that say we need our pillows now! lol
Thank you all for reading this, for those of you I have already met I love you all and for those of you that I have not met, welcome to SR the greatest place on the net, in my and my husbands opinion.
My hugs and prayers to all of you,
Penelope
I just want to share with you what I have learned, that is the more I pushed my husband to cut back, stop, not to do it & just plain quit did not work! :dead:
He had to do it when he was ready and I had to wait nearly 7 long years for that to happen, he was such an :*******: at times all I wanted to do is leave. I was even making a plan to do just that many times over. He did not even see what was right in front of his eyes, or he just didn't care.
Most of the time he would talk to me it was the alcohol talking and not him, at that point I would just tune him out, which made my situation worse. At that point a big fight would break out and there would go a seemingly okay night.
We have been through a lot together and that is still no excuse but I just kept telling myself he needs this right now and tried my best to deal with it. Well, most of the time that did not go well, not at all to say the least.
We would fight about the depleating money in the checkbook for the beer and his thing was I make money why can't you just accept that fact that for once in my life that I am happy. Happy sure okay, if you call getting drunk every night happy and then fighting with your wife & daughter till the wee hours of the morning happy, okay whatever floats your boat!
So, on we went for 7 long years this way then one day his daughter decided that she just didn't want to be here on earth anymore and cut he wrist, we drove up to out house with a butt load of police in our driveway. Of course they took her away to the hospital and then he decided he needed to medicate himself some more and so he did.
I guess a light went off in his head and he decided that he needed help and until he got that help his daughter was probably not going to get any better, fighting with a 14 year old and your wife does not make for a happy home not in the least. I decided to stop asking him to slow down, stop, quit & anything else that had to do with his drinking.
I am one of the lucky one's, he did get help and not he is on meds and he is doing great! That does not mean all of the problems are gone by any means, we don't fight like we did but he still has years of issues to deal with. I really don't want to go into those, they are private and privacy is very important to us when it comes to those issues.
I got accused of being his doormat, sure she will go get the beer and whatever else he wanted and she is worthless, that is the way his family viewed it. I knew there was a real strong man inside/behind all that beer he was putting away every night. I love him with all my heart, I was raised by a woman who stood by her man, my dear father (rest his soul) and I did not think I had any other choices in the matter. Yea right now you are saying codie to the max here.
I was not trying to take care of him, I just loved him so darn much and I knew if I stuck it out long enough something had to change and change it did. His daugheter is receiving treatment now and is much better. She and I have gotten very close as I has always hoped we would some day. Her and I were at odds for many years and that alone was hard to take and to live with. I felt no matter what I said it was wrong and my husband would not back me up in most cases, he thought I was just complaing about nothing.
Anyway, all I am trying to say here is, they have to make the decision to quit or life will just get worse. The more I nagged the more I was loosing hiim, so I just started to accept things as they were. Lone behold that has all changed, he is on anti-depressants and mood elevators, he has an anger problem and these meds just chill him right out.
I know a lot of you don't have the same story as me but I am such a loving giving person and I have been through a lot with this man. So if you think I have the perfect life now, think again! Just because the beer is gone does not mean that there are no more problems, yea we don't fight but we still have our good days and bad days.
I am only writing this because I don't want anybody here on SR to think that I don't need to be here anymore. You all give me inspiration and love, I did not get that for way to many years to count. I love talking to all of you and like to help when I can :heaart:
With all that said, it is getting late and hubby wants to go to bed now as it is getting late here and we are both on meds that say we need our pillows now! lol
Thank you all for reading this, for those of you I have already met I love you all and for those of you that I have not met, welcome to SR the greatest place on the net, in my and my husbands opinion.
My hugs and prayers to all of you,
Penelope
KingsWeaver, We Are One
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In tryinagain's heart
Posts: 103
One more thing
Hey all,
There is one more thing that I would like to add to all this, I have to learn to get to know the Real Roy, he was drunk for all the years that I have known him and this is all new to me!
A short story on how we met, AOL adult only chat room. I was in there one night and he was watching and not doing any chatting and then he IM'd me and we hit it off from there. I flew to Illinois where he lived at the time to meet him, feel head over heels and went back home quit my 19-1/2 year job to move to be with him.
Talk about culture shock California to Illinois OMG what was I thinking, lol. So now I get to know him all over again and that is really kind of wierd to say the least. I met a nice guy who turned angry after some time and just new like I said that there was a nice guy in there somewhere. Yes I do admit I did try to change him at first and for many years, to no avail.
I wanted to leave so many times it wasn't even funny, but something just kept me there with him, call it love call it whatever you want, but I stayed.
Anyway thanks again for listening,
Penelope
There is one more thing that I would like to add to all this, I have to learn to get to know the Real Roy, he was drunk for all the years that I have known him and this is all new to me!
A short story on how we met, AOL adult only chat room. I was in there one night and he was watching and not doing any chatting and then he IM'd me and we hit it off from there. I flew to Illinois where he lived at the time to meet him, feel head over heels and went back home quit my 19-1/2 year job to move to be with him.
Talk about culture shock California to Illinois OMG what was I thinking, lol. So now I get to know him all over again and that is really kind of wierd to say the least. I met a nice guy who turned angry after some time and just new like I said that there was a nice guy in there somewhere. Yes I do admit I did try to change him at first and for many years, to no avail.
I wanted to leave so many times it wasn't even funny, but something just kept me there with him, call it love call it whatever you want, but I stayed.
Anyway thanks again for listening,
Penelope
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
((Sweetie)))
I'm so glad that you are feeling stronger and happier. I hope that all that strength and happiness has more to do with YOU than with your H not drinking. I know that I will never again base my happiness on what my H (or anyone else in my life) is doing or not doing. I'm building my own happiness castle which will be surrounded by a moat and guarded by big men with guns !!!!
You said that you didn't want anyone to think you don't need to be here anymore. Honey, I'm going to be here and in Al Anon and in recovery for the rest of my life - whether I have an A in my life or not. I'm happy to say that, I'm thankful for it and I'm looking forward to it. You stick around and keep growing - it will only get better.
L
I'm so glad that you are feeling stronger and happier. I hope that all that strength and happiness has more to do with YOU than with your H not drinking. I know that I will never again base my happiness on what my H (or anyone else in my life) is doing or not doing. I'm building my own happiness castle which will be surrounded by a moat and guarded by big men with guns !!!!
You said that you didn't want anyone to think you don't need to be here anymore. Honey, I'm going to be here and in Al Anon and in recovery for the rest of my life - whether I have an A in my life or not. I'm happy to say that, I'm thankful for it and I'm looking forward to it. You stick around and keep growing - it will only get better.
L
KingsWeaver, We Are One
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In tryinagain's heart
Posts: 103
Thanks!
Hi Lorelai,
Your kind words always pick me up, I look forward to hearing from you. I will be on this site for God knows how long, everybody here is just so cool to talk to.
Some of the strength has to do with him but most has to do with me, I decided that I was not going to let his drinking get to me anymore, if we didn't have lights that month he could thank himself for using all the money for beer but thank God it never came to that. I just started doing my own thing and he started to notice and that kinda bothered him at first.
My efforts were no longer on him and trying to fix him, I was like whatever if you want it and that is all you want to do with your life then so be it. I on the other hand was making plans to go another direction!
On night before he quit drinking my husband and his daughter were in this big yelling match and I broke in with tears and said "You know I am really sick of this I think I should just go to Colorado where my Mom is and get the hell out of here and leave you two to yourself and all of your fighting cuz this is never gonna change and I can't take this anymore, my nerves are completly shot and I have had it with both of you right now". His daughter apoligized to me right away then he came to me and said I don't want to loose you, ever!!
I said then when you go on the 9th of June you better not get on your :soapbox and lie to that phyc. you better tell the truth because you don't even know how close I am to the door right now!!!
Well, Lorelai he did just that he told the truth and now his meds have given me back the Roy I met 7 years ago before I realized he even had a drinking problem. So, yea I will be here a good long while, I feel I could help other people and that makes me feel good to help others!
Hugs to you my friend :heart:. love you and the inspiration you always give me,
Penelope the dancer, lol
Your kind words always pick me up, I look forward to hearing from you. I will be on this site for God knows how long, everybody here is just so cool to talk to.
Some of the strength has to do with him but most has to do with me, I decided that I was not going to let his drinking get to me anymore, if we didn't have lights that month he could thank himself for using all the money for beer but thank God it never came to that. I just started doing my own thing and he started to notice and that kinda bothered him at first.
My efforts were no longer on him and trying to fix him, I was like whatever if you want it and that is all you want to do with your life then so be it. I on the other hand was making plans to go another direction!
On night before he quit drinking my husband and his daughter were in this big yelling match and I broke in with tears and said "You know I am really sick of this I think I should just go to Colorado where my Mom is and get the hell out of here and leave you two to yourself and all of your fighting cuz this is never gonna change and I can't take this anymore, my nerves are completly shot and I have had it with both of you right now". His daughter apoligized to me right away then he came to me and said I don't want to loose you, ever!!
I said then when you go on the 9th of June you better not get on your :soapbox and lie to that phyc. you better tell the truth because you don't even know how close I am to the door right now!!!
Well, Lorelai he did just that he told the truth and now his meds have given me back the Roy I met 7 years ago before I realized he even had a drinking problem. So, yea I will be here a good long while, I feel I could help other people and that makes me feel good to help others!
Hugs to you my friend :heart:. love you and the inspiration you always give me,
Penelope the
dancer, lol
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Penelope -
I'm so happy that you are here and that you are taking care of YOU. That really is the best thing you can do for yourself and for everyone else in your life.
You keep going, girl. We'll work on this together...
L
I'm so happy that you are here and that you are taking care of YOU. That really is the best thing you can do for yourself and for everyone else in your life.
You keep going, girl. We'll work on this together...
L
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