not walking a very good walk
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Join Date: Oct 2003
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not walking a very good walk
ah yes, the dotster is not even talking a very good talk im afraid. i would tell my mom, but she would just worry. i figured i would post my stupidity here.
no i did not relapse, but i really was not a good example. i had a friend over and there was a big ordeal with getting her home
, which i let really frustrate me. during the ordeal we hit bad traffic (yes, on a sunday). by the time i dropped her off i was feeling angry. then as i was pulling out i ran into one of my ex's old friends (a real peach if you know what i mean). well, i had to get out of the car because the guy stood in front of my car.
yadayadayada... he wasnt doing that to intimidate me, he did that because i think he didnt understand why i wouldnt get out of the car to have a smoke with him. yadayadayada... i dont smoke anymore and tried explaining that and he didnt really believe me (i was feeling the rage creep up). i so just wanted to leave and he was like "cmon girl lets go to the beach" and that is when the dotster snapped ... beach is codename for "let's go to the dopehouse and run in circles for a few days until we finally get to the beach at 4 am in the morning because we are way too spun and theres really nothing to do at 4 am anyway".
its cool though, i made a big enough scene i think he and his "vatos" finally got the picture. however, i used many words and gestures that i shouldnt have and in my heart i was ready to slam his face in my car door. and i was called a biotch etc and it was just a very unpleasent exchange of words.
okay dokay, dots full of rage by this time ... but part of me was still thinking level. just had to drive it off, right? i figured id go see if an old friend had got out of prison yet. i turned onto a small street and there were two cop cars and as i drove past their eyeballs followed me and i knew what was going to go down. i turned onto another street then saw one cop turn too. busted a uturn and tried to just drive slowly out of there. not to my surprise he busted a uturn too and dot was pulled over.
no, they did not harrass me ... with my background i can understand why they'd ask me questions and search my car (more like toss all my junk around and make a thorough mess of things). but i wasnt really thinking that way at the time so i went into "im in trouble mode" because thats how i used to feel. well, that gave them more reason to hold me.
needless to say i did nothing wrong. i decided not to go see if my friend was out and i took a drive. i avoided using spots and luckily had left all cash and jewelry at home. i was just ... a real biotch if you know what i mean. not proud of my actions and words at all!
thanks for letting me share.
no i did not relapse, but i really was not a good example. i had a friend over and there was a big ordeal with getting her home
, which i let really frustrate me. during the ordeal we hit bad traffic (yes, on a sunday). by the time i dropped her off i was feeling angry. then as i was pulling out i ran into one of my ex's old friends (a real peach if you know what i mean). well, i had to get out of the car because the guy stood in front of my car.yadayadayada... he wasnt doing that to intimidate me, he did that because i think he didnt understand why i wouldnt get out of the car to have a smoke with him. yadayadayada... i dont smoke anymore and tried explaining that and he didnt really believe me (i was feeling the rage creep up). i so just wanted to leave and he was like "cmon girl lets go to the beach" and that is when the dotster snapped ... beach is codename for "let's go to the dopehouse and run in circles for a few days until we finally get to the beach at 4 am in the morning because we are way too spun and theres really nothing to do at 4 am anyway".
its cool though, i made a big enough scene i think he and his "vatos" finally got the picture. however, i used many words and gestures that i shouldnt have and in my heart i was ready to slam his face in my car door. and i was called a biotch etc and it was just a very unpleasent exchange of words.
okay dokay, dots full of rage by this time ... but part of me was still thinking level. just had to drive it off, right? i figured id go see if an old friend had got out of prison yet. i turned onto a small street and there were two cop cars and as i drove past their eyeballs followed me and i knew what was going to go down. i turned onto another street then saw one cop turn too. busted a uturn and tried to just drive slowly out of there. not to my surprise he busted a uturn too and dot was pulled over.
no, they did not harrass me ... with my background i can understand why they'd ask me questions and search my car (more like toss all my junk around and make a thorough mess of things). but i wasnt really thinking that way at the time so i went into "im in trouble mode" because thats how i used to feel. well, that gave them more reason to hold me.
needless to say i did nothing wrong. i decided not to go see if my friend was out and i took a drive. i avoided using spots and luckily had left all cash and jewelry at home. i was just ... a real biotch if you know what i mean. not proud of my actions and words at all!
thanks for letting me share.
Hopefully Healing Up
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Sober, Forever
Posts: 511
(((dot)))
Hey, we just asked that you stay clean and sober. Nobody said anything about having to be "nice" all the time. You stayed clean and if you got a bit nasty, well we all do from time to time. We love ya dot and thanks for sharing.
Roy
Roy
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
No sweat Dot
That happens. Sometimes the only way to get it out is to use really raunchy language that fits the occasion. Cussing is the only vice I have at this point, and I don't intend on giving IT up. The words were invented for a reason. Of course I'm kidding. (not) You have the right to express yourself in any way you feel like. It sounds as if he may have instigated the whole situation anyways. Tell them all to kiss your :shakin
Way to ROCK ON ......Hold your ground and stick to your guns :uzi2:
Talia
I do refrain from foul language when small children are in my presence or while visiting an old folks home.
Cops still give me the
That happens. Sometimes the only way to get it out is to use really raunchy language that fits the occasion. Cussing is the only vice I have at this point, and I don't intend on giving IT up. The words were invented for a reason. Of course I'm kidding. (not) You have the right to express yourself in any way you feel like. It sounds as if he may have instigated the whole situation anyways. Tell them all to kiss your :shakin
Way to ROCK ON ......Hold your ground and stick to your guns :uzi2:
Talia
I do refrain from foul language when small children are in my presence or while visiting an old folks home.
Cops still give me the
RE-member- DONT QUIT!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: right where I'm supposed to be
Posts: 348
sounds like you handled yourself fine (((dot))) Some of the people I work with get on me sometimes because i dont drink or party anymore. I used to make excuses like "I can't cuz I'm on probation and I'll go back to jail if I get caught". Now I just tell it like it is "I dont because I dont want to, and I was sick of feeling like a loser. I'd apreciate it if you'd stop f'ing talking to me about it". It seems there are always going to be those people out there that are trying to pull us down with them, make us think we are missing out on something. Misery loves company right. I know what I'm missing out on and for me it sure aint much. 
mike
mike
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 1,539
YOU are a class act Dot! You constantly amaze me, I have learned SO much from you, and continue to everyday.
I will always admire and love you, for just being you! Keep on keeping on.
S O B E R ........
Tom
I will always admire and love you, for just being you! Keep on keeping on.
S O B E R ........
Tom
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(((chy, talia, marty, mike))) i am very proud of myself that i didnt freak out like last week. or was it two weeks ago? i dont remember. but, im just glad i didnt let my anger spiral into feeling completely worthless. and im glad i am home and not "at the beach". they really did want company for their misery. it was so sickening to see them being so disgusting, at least this time it angered me instead of "appealing" to me. but my temper ...
well, im just glad im still clean and rocking!
hugs and love,
dotster
well, im just glad im still clean and rocking!
hugs and love,
dotster
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Never, Never land
Posts: 2,851
Dot,
You go girl. Be yourself and if that means getting angry and cussin', well so be it. One time this pompous a** around here approached me and in that voice they use said "Laurie, you know, profanity does not equal recovery". My response to him was "F*** you". If that's what you need to do, then do it. I'd rather see you cus someone out and get angry than pick up that bag.
Love ya
Laurie D
You go girl. Be yourself and if that means getting angry and cussin', well so be it. One time this pompous a** around here approached me and in that voice they use said "Laurie, you know, profanity does not equal recovery". My response to him was "F*** you". If that's what you need to do, then do it. I'd rather see you cus someone out and get angry than pick up that bag.
Love ya
Laurie D
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namom,
yep ... sometimes its called for. i used to think no matter what i should not cuss or throw things and windows. but, this one time it really saved my butt big time! rage has to be channeled somewhere. and i only threw plastic/stuffed things at the windows. well, i also kicked my closet doors and tried to kick the wall's arse but that really was futile. i didnt hurt anyone but myself and i was able to be somewhat dignified and polite around my parents after that. although they deserved it! but thats a topic for a whole other something! LOL
hugs,
dot
yep ... sometimes its called for. i used to think no matter what i should not cuss or throw things and windows. but, this one time it really saved my butt big time! rage has to be channeled somewhere. and i only threw plastic/stuffed things at the windows. well, i also kicked my closet doors and tried to kick the wall's arse but that really was futile. i didnt hurt anyone but myself and i was able to be somewhat dignified and polite around my parents after that. although they deserved it! but thats a topic for a whole other something! LOL
hugs,
dot
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Dot*
you never know you may have said something that the person asking you "to the beach" might have heard... maybe huh?
But, the main thing is that you are still here with us and boy are we glad!!!:sweat
you never know you may have said something that the person asking you "to the beach" might have heard... maybe huh?
But, the main thing is that you are still here with us and boy are we glad!!!:sweat
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(((((splen))))) i never thought of it that way ... cool! they are not used to anyone (female especially) not wanting to "go to the beach" with them. in their "group" when S was alive they were VERY persuasive and used their numbers to sway people. but, dottie is NOT going down THAT road again. nothing but hurt, pain, sorrow, and sickness at the beach. plus there were other people around so i knew if i really wanted to i could leave without one of them being able to do their thing.
you so rock splen! im glad to still be clean and serene ... and rocking of course!
hugs,
dot
you so rock splen! im glad to still be clean and serene ... and rocking of course!
hugs,
dot
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Join Date: Apr 2003
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Posts: 2,653
I am so proud of you Dotster! Walk the walk? Talk the talk? your doing a great job.. Sompleace in that book I read it talks about sharing honestly what we are going through.... Thats walking the talk, Getting out of the neighborhood and deciding that you weren't gonna let a little rage episode get you headed for the dopemans is living the program. If you shared this at an NA meeting around here, you'd be surprized at the positive reaction of those g-narly 12 steppers I hang around with. You Rock Dotperson!
Your post reminded me how freaked out I got the first half dozen times the cops pulled me over after I got clean. Little by little, I realized that they either had a legitimate reason for stopping me ( bad heavy foot Gooch ) or I had no reason to worry so I might as well have some fun. I have actually gotten to the point that in most cases I don't perceive them as authority figures so much as guys who have chosen a difficult carreer and have to deal with knuckleheads like me every day and some days even bigger PITA's than me.
I usually joke with them unless they are stone cold "poster" officers. One guy asked me why I shouldbn't get a ticket for speeding. I told him "well doesn't your paycheck come from federal funding?" he said "Yes" I said "well if you give me this ticket I might loose my license and if I don't have a license I can't drive... No point in keeping my car om the road or buying gas or paying for insurance or tolls.. I won't be able to get to work, and if I don't get to work I may have to go on social services... Not only won't I be contributing to the tax base that pays your salary, but I will be using some of the money and that means when it's time for your next raise there will be less to go around."
He cracked a grin and said "don't ever let me catch you speeding in my jurisdiction again"
Your post reminded me how freaked out I got the first half dozen times the cops pulled me over after I got clean. Little by little, I realized that they either had a legitimate reason for stopping me ( bad heavy foot Gooch ) or I had no reason to worry so I might as well have some fun. I have actually gotten to the point that in most cases I don't perceive them as authority figures so much as guys who have chosen a difficult carreer and have to deal with knuckleheads like me every day and some days even bigger PITA's than me.
I usually joke with them unless they are stone cold "poster" officers. One guy asked me why I shouldbn't get a ticket for speeding. I told him "well doesn't your paycheck come from federal funding?" he said "Yes" I said "well if you give me this ticket I might loose my license and if I don't have a license I can't drive... No point in keeping my car om the road or buying gas or paying for insurance or tolls.. I won't be able to get to work, and if I don't get to work I may have to go on social services... Not only won't I be contributing to the tax base that pays your salary, but I will be using some of the money and that means when it's time for your next raise there will be less to go around."
He cracked a grin and said "don't ever let me catch you speeding in my jurisdiction again"
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