Twofish

Hello SR family that cares, I'm sad and alone and wanting change in my crazy life addiction has given me. So I'm gonna try to be positive and work on my detachment so this thread won't seem (be) so focused on the negative, blindness that has consumed this mom and my family.
The past few years of Christmas morning celebrations have been disasters. Bad, painful memories of addictions being the main focus and cause of tears and everyone leaving the room except myself and addiction, looking around at another failed attempted of creating a beautiful memory. These past few years, 2 or 3 yrs before I knew my children were addicts, I had no clue why this seems to always happen, them waiting for me to leave my purse and $ and credit cards unattended so they could help themselves. Or, they were going through withdrawals, me thinking they had the flu or the complete opposite, they were "higher than a kite" not realizing it was even Christmas or the memories they were crushing. I know the truth now, accepting it confronting it. I recognize why it was happening, so I ask you, my friend, fellow parents and addicts, in recovery or not, how can I do things differently this year, to keep the demon at bay, if only for a moment? What do I not say, what triggers to avoid? I have a tree, I have love in my heart, I miss my family and I miss those happy Xmas morning memories. Please I AM totally aware of how blessed I am, to have what I have, my children are ALIVE while others moms are grieving the loss of their kids to this disease. I am also aware my children may not be here next year, joining the many others who have OD and died to the drug heroin.
So, any suggestions, positive or negative would help me. This is not about gifts, it's about love. Can a family come together, only for a moment, to celebrate our beautiful saviors birth? Thank you for reading another long, on and on, thread from me. I come to you because I don't fear the judgement so many people offer. Merry Christmas SR. TF

SparkleKitty

Twofish, I am sorry you are in this position. I cannot imagine the pain of having addicted children. I literally do not know how you do it.

Once I began to understand the role addiction has played in my life (alcoholic mom, alcoholic ex-boyfriend), I learned to ease up on the expectations of events like holidays, birthdays, family get-togethers. I found that by raising expectations for these events, I only disappointed myself. They weren't going to stop being A's just because it was my birthday. Or Christmas. Or Valentine's Day. All I could do was stop trying to force the situation and the people to meet my expectations. Now that I have very low expectations of 'special occasions' I am always surprised and pleased by even the smallest of nice moments.

Sending you hugs through the holidays.

Twofish

Dear Sparkle, What an excellent point you have given me...not to raise the expectations on those special occasions, can't change those kids, but be pleasantly surprised if the miracle of them giving a sh$t for no reason to happen. You are wise. TF

Chino

I'm willing to bet your son would like to make a warm Christmas memory, too. Consider spending the first few moments with him alone, before anyone else gets up.

All hell might break lose afterwards, but it was probably going to anyway. No matter what, no one can take those precious moments away from you and your son.

lizwig

I agree with Sparkle Kitty 100%. I've heard it said "having expectations is like pre-meditated anger". I think it's unrealistic to think we may once again have a lovely little Christmas all gathered under the tree. When our kids were little those were much simpler times. Little kids....little problems. Big kids.....BIG problems. (Not always...but in our cases!) Kindeyes mentioned on this site once that love is not the color of money. I think it's awful your girls think they can help themselves to your credit cards and money. Obviously she must have REALLY loved those shoes...Merry Christmas....you picked your own gift out this year. (The shoes may have been mentioned in your other post from today). I'm afraid it's time for you to REALLY start detaching yourself. Figure out what is their stuff vs. your stuff. Once we get a clear idea of who "owns" what (chaos, behavior, manipulation, whatever) it is easier to detach and focus on our own behaviors. I believe this is what they mean when they say "keeping our side of the street clean". Your girls may be clean at the moment, but their actions don't sound to be reflecting "recovery". There is a difference. Big hugs to you...remember Christmas, albeit a VERY special day, isn't the only day of the year to appreciate our loved ones, to make memories, and to cherish our time together. Try not to force things. Simplify.

YouWillBe

I, literally, burst into tears reading your post. The pain is palpable through the words you wrote and strikes such a chord.

I have no words of wisdom on how to make the day a better one. Seems like every time I think something will go well, it doesn't and it's awkward and frustrating for everyone. Plus, it's so easy for me to sit and offer advice - the advice I don't want to follow myself, because I don't want to hurt my addict's feelings, or cause a huge scene.

We've stopped inviting her (daughter) to anything. It's easier to do because she doesn't live here, but still hard, in that there is the glaring hole that her non-presence leaves in a family that is very close. Thanksgiving was the first major holiday (other events included her nephews first birthday party...other smaller times of celebration where she should have been included, family dinners, etc). And now I'm gearing up find a time to see her for Christmas, but not be with her on that day, as we are going somewhere else. I know she doesn't think it's fair...but she fails to realize the impact on everyone around her when she's still in active addiction and we are all trying to ignore the 900 pound gorilla in the middle of the room.

Celebrations - holidays - family times - are all meant to bring us closer together, but when the active addict is included it brings a sadness and realization of "what could be", and puts you on pins and needles and holding your breath for the entire time.

I don't think they grasp the enormity of the situation and how it drags everybody else down. Their addiction has become THEIR norm and drug use and all that goes with it do not mix with normalcy in the slightest.

I hope you can secure a few minutes during the festivities to relax and enjoy. Maybe change the paradigm and focus on the fact that they ARE there with you - warts and all - as you said. Refuse to engage in anything but happiness...and maybe give YOURSELF a time out, if the going gets too tough. Easier than trying to make the trouble maker leave the room, sometimes.

Prayers and thoughts for an uneventful Holiday for ALL of us.

Dee74

some awesome advice here TF.

I really think the spirit of xmas comes from within and is accessible to us all, no matter what might happen on the day

wishing you and your family the best this holiday season

D

needingabreak

Twofish I hear you loud and clear. I am so sorry the holidays are so stressful and hard. I agree it will make life easier not to have expectations but at the same time we have feelings and they get hurt. My son has told family he will be at their home and then not call or show up. It is embarrassing when they ask us where he is. I try to stay away from any painful discussions that may lead to disagreements, resentment or anger. It is so hard.

Youwillbe your words resonate a lot with me- "Celebrations - holidays - family times - are all meant to bring us closer together, but when the active addict is included it brings a sadness and realization of "what could be", and puts you on pins and needles and holding your breath for the entire time.

I don't think they grasp the enormity of the situation and how it drags everybody else down. Their addiction has become THEIR norm and drug use and all that goes with it do not mix with normalcy in the slightest. "
It is hard to sit with the knowledge of what could be and pretend to be happy. They have no clue at all how their actions affect everyone else.

This year though I am determined it will be a great Christmas. I am focusing on my grandchildren, my other kids and other family members. MY sister-in-law faces her first Christmas without her son who died of an accidental OD last January. He was 21. I am going to be thankful it was not my son and that he was given a chance at rehab and sober living. It's not perfect but it is a constant work in progress. This in no way is taking away from your feelings or pain because believe me, I understand. Sometimes a little perspective helps.

Twofish

Dear Mommas of SR, I have been reading the advice and experiences you have so gracefully offered. I take it in as advice because its not judging me, accusing me of creating these demons that live within my children. I feel like we are in a club or gang of moms, who are so alike, but don't want to be in this club, this trap of addiction and the rath of pain it causes each and everyone of us.
I will not expect too much from the girls this year or any year and be pleasantly surprised when and if ANY gathering, be it Xmas or a random Tuesday if happiness or a fond memory survives alive and intact. They are sober in body only, sort of. Is the older girl, who is on Methadone a sober addict? Is a sober body, yet an active addictive, seeking drug mind (the younger girl) a Recovering sober addict? Each girl is different, yet both search for that "high", that feeling they crave and look for, the search that destroys all the happiness and sucks any fond memory that lingers and wants to be found.
Yes I'm dreading the day, like most days lately. But like Chino suggests, wake the boy up, have a special memory with him alone, that no addict can contaminate and ruin. Unlike Jend and her beautiful 13 yr old, he feels sorry for the girls, he loves them and wants to protect them and sees me as the mom that's being unfair and mean to them. He doesn't understand addiction at all, he thinks they took some "weed" and the Heroin and other opiates are me generating drama. I wish the girls would tell him the truth and maybe warn him against people like themselves, but that demon would never allow that, admit that fact. Oh well, I'm grateful he still loves me, you know how teenagers get at this age,,they tend to pull away some and want to hang around with their friends, and that's ok. He has some really grounded friends, I trust them and pray that when and if someone offers them a pill or coke or beer or whatever that they will turn it down. Isn't it "just say no to drugs and alcohol", that would be just wonderful if that is what my son would say, he turns 15 in 3 days. I'm smiling now, he asked me how to shave the other day...I don't know how, I'll have to google that one. I see I'm babbling again, going on and on, I've been doing that lately, sorry. So now I feel better, more at ease, I will breathe and relax some. I keep thinking about this shaving question, ha so sweet, I wish this was my only problem to think about. I hope these girls don't think there's gonna be too much, if anything, maybe one gift under the tree in the next two weeks. I really should wrap up all the bills I've paid for them, it's gotta be thousands of $ by now, wow they sure would get an eye opener, and such expensive gifts, their mom spend a lot on them!
Someone asked about the Methadone Clinic, it's $23/day if you pay 7 days at a time, more if you can only per day. It includes group meetings, a counselor a Dr. My husband calls them" fly by nite" clinics. Money magnets. It's liquid Methaodne, if that matters, 50mg a day. I hope that answers the question someone asked me. She is considered a phase 5 addict temporarily until she heals more, which means she gets the little plastic bottles, 6 per week. She has a little black lock box to store the bottles in. I am allowed to accompany her into the waiting room, you take a number and go sit down with all these other young people with their little black boxes. They call your number (it's usually packed, 40 people waiting) some addicts are pregnant others bring their children, it's very sad to watch and even more sadder to see my girl right there in the middle of this epidemic disease. They give her a "dose" and a shot of water and juice. The nurses are compassionate and nonjudgmental, they smile, say good morning, dose her then, next! It's called an addiction management service, money maker, do they care? Who knows. I gotta stop now, my eyes are sore and I still DON'T have this tree put together yet. Good night SR, keep sending me the advice I crave so desperately for! TF

jjj111

Dear TF, I identify with your struggle to find a way to make Christmas a little more peaceful. My alcoholic parents have both passed on, but I'm not sure I'd want to spend Christmas with them even if they were alive. My brother and sister both have a lot of problems--so it looks like I will spend this Christmas making the best of it without family. My SR friends made some helpful suggestions for coping with that. I might find a friend to spend time with, or if not I may volunteer, or just go to church on Christmas Eve and then spend Christmas day doing something I enjoy at home.

Anyway, it just occurred to me when I read this thread--you said that you wished that your 13yo's shaving dilemma could be your only problem. And my thought was that you could make his problems your only problems if you chose! Maybe not this year, but just something to think about for the future: you are under no obligation to try to create a merry Christmas for your adult daughters or your husband. If you don't like your husband blowing into town just to get drunk and hurt your feelings, you don't have to spend the day with him. If your daughters have gotten on your last nerve by stealing from you and blaming all their problems on you, you don't have to spend time or money on them, either! I just wanted to suggest to you that in the future, you are free to do something you like on Christmas! Next year, you could stop spending money on your daughter's methadone and save up to take yourself and your son on a holiday cruise! Just a thought! I hope you will find some time soon to escape the chaos and focus on making you happy! Hugs!

Twofish

Hi JJJ, Haven't heard from you in awhile and it was a pleasant surprise to see responded to my nightmare! Plus the support was very welcomed. Yes, I'm sick of paying for the Methadone, yet it breaks my heart to see her go into withdrawals...need to work on that detatchment and give into tough love. She is so close to graduating college, we have invested so much money in her schooling, that I'm stuck til springtime, for my own sake. I have consigned all her loans for school and if I kick her to the curb and she goes back to illegal drugs, I have to pay back the loans immediately, I'm on disability, so I'm not rich. She also is recovering from a traumatic accident to her face(jaw) and brain bleeds. I feel as her mom to take care of her for now. She goes back to school in Jan.
The 19 yr old RAD can leave anytime she wants. I love her to death but the stress will cause my emotional death. It's hard to be a mom to addicts. The heart goes one way and the mind goes another. She is sweet at times, glimpses of the way she was, then PAWS or mental illness or cravings or whatever pops its nose into the picture and the who I thought she was explodes. She's gone, far into herself and I can't bring her out, find her again. I miss my two girls so much. Well, enough of this depressing talk, I can't do this today. I want to smile or go for a walk or be with my son but lastly I want to figure out this tree! I bought a fake Xmas tree last year to save money, I have the directions, but to put it back together? TF

jjj111

TF, I hear what you're saying. You feel like you've already spent so much money on your older daughter, maybe if you just pay for her methadone then she will finish college, become a financially responsible adult, and pay off her loans so that you don't have to. But there's no guarantee it will turn out like that. You could be throwing good money after bad. Instead, you could think of it like this: by expecting your daughter to pay for the consequences of her own addiction (methadone, if she chooses that over detox), you would be teaching her financial responsibility. Once she has learned to pay her own way, maybe she will also pay off those loans. Also consider that money you spend on her is money that won't be available for your son, who sounds like so far he is doing pretty well despite the problems in his family. You could take the money you are spending trying to save your daughter from the consequences of her choice to use drugs, and use it to reward your son for his good behavior instead of continuing to pay for your daughters' bad behavior. I'm sorry if I'm being tough on you. I say this with compassion in my heart. It seems to me like maybe it would be a good idea for you to accept that you do have a choice in all this and you are *choosing* to give money and time to your addict daughters and your alcoholic husband. I hope things will get easier for you, TF! Sometimes the only way out of a nightmare is to make different choices.

Twofish

Hi JJJ, What you say is so true, I feel I'm throwing away money, good money that we need for say food? The girls are both in bed yet and it's afternoon already. Too tired I guess from doing nothing. My son, my miracle, is getting ready for his first lesson on putting contact lenses in. He is sooo excited! It's another small smile on my face, one that will prevent the tears from flowing, they want to come out, pour down my face, but today, at least for now I will try to keep them in. It amazes me to no end how a grown woman, an old woman, mom, can cry every single day? Is this a coping way for me to get through the day? Some tears are for excellent reasons, like my back hurts or I think of what was and will never be, but these dang tears, the ones that are for no reason, or a reason that doesn't require tears. Like I just went up to check on the older one, is she alive, is she in pain? Just checking, she tells me to get the ***$ out of her room and leave her alone. I'm shocked, I ask if she's in pain or needs anything? All with an "indoor" voice. She yells back," can't you just leave!". I'm in shock, close the door gently, go downstairs and cry. These are the tears I'm sick of. I'm sick of being strong, I'm sick of being sick of everything these girls are doing to my family. I'm starting to not like the job of being mom. Got that off my chest.
My Dr. says I'm suffering from severe anxiety, dah, and wants me to do the benzo thing, you know Xanax, Prozac etc. ya right,, the very drug my girls LOVE to take, have that around so they can help themselves and get addicted again. I'd rather suffer. What I need is a friend, someone who doesn't judge this mom, someone I can speak freely with. Isn't that what a husband is for? Well, he's gone, couldn't take the sh$t anymore. I can't abandon these kids like he did. He does send money, but what good is money gonna be if I die? Or walk away from them like he did? Well enough of dreaming, gotta get the boy to the contact learning class, never a break... TF

Upsetnneedhelp

Twofish, my son would typically stroll in around dawn and sleep until afternoon also violating his court ordered curfew. Your daughters seem like they are dry drunks or whatever thats called. A side effect of methadone is mood swings. But without it do you really think your daughter would be heroin free? Do these girls have boyfriends they can stay with? It seem you are losing your mind while your daughters are kicking back and relaxing.

Txhelp

twofish...your heart felt posts always move me! I understand what you mean....there is no consistency with these young adults. It doesn't matter with important things or no so important...they don't care much. At least mind don't.

I like what the other post said about expectations....I have none. It's sad and self preserving at the same time. But it's my lesson learned.

My son, now in jail, asked me what I did yesterday. I said I went to the play "The Christmas Carol." He said "I would have loved to gone." In my mind...I would have invited him and reminded several times only to have him NOT show up or be "on his way."

I put up my tree and lights...I figure that it was for Jesus and to celebrate his birth. That way I didn't expect anything.

needingabreak

((((Twofish))))) Your heart breaking post makes me want to cry. I know that feeling of just wanting to check on someone or ask simple question and get treated like dirt. You do not deserve that. Ok, I can give her a tiny bit of slack because she feels terrible because of the accident but there is NO reason to speak to you that way, ever. You have been through so much. Please do not allow your daughters to ruin your peace. If they cannot treat you with respect they need to live elsewhere. You do everything for them. Have you given them a timeline for what you want them to do? There should be terms and boundaries for their being allowed to live under your roof rent free. I say this because I care and hate to see you being treated so terribly. being a mom of an addict just sucks the life out of us. Be good to yourself! You deserve it and your son deserves it. Take charge and let them know you are not taking their sh** anymore! Put that foot down! You deserve to have love, compassion and peace in your home TF!!!! Praying for strength and courage for you. I understand why you are so afraid of them going back to drugs but Ive learned, I cannot save my son nor keep him from making bad choices. A therapist asked me once "how's it been working for ya so far?" Yeah, it wasn't at all. So, I've stopped. I realize doing anything for him is a waste of time and he does not appreciate it anyway.