zach4677

its day 13 and I have pretty much hit by far my biggest roadblock yet and im not sure what to do.

about 1 year ago I met a girl online, she has pretty much been my #1 support since I decided to go sober and shes been talking me out of drinking every single day. after talking to her for over a year she finally got on a plane and flew 900 miles to meet me this past weekend. And in person she is probably one of the most amazing people I have ever met and someone I could see myself potentially being with for a long time.

well her mother found out yesterday about her coming all the way out here to meet me and person and today her mom blocked my number on her phone and blocked me on facebook. She is my age (22) and isn't a kid..

im am totally lost and not sure what to do, she is pretty much the one person in my entire life who has actually kept me from drinking and im not sure what to do since ive lost one of my biggest supports.

Dee74

I'm not sure why a woman of 22 would allow her mother to run her life...but whatever the reason, it's this girls problem to sort out not yours.

This may sound cold but, it's only a roadblock if you let it be.

I courted drama a lot in the early days - it was a rush not that far from the one I was used to.

Step out and let your friend field this one with her mom.
Keep strong stay sober and maybe have a little faith things will turn out the way they're meant to?

D

Skye2

I'm really sorry to hear this Zac Please don't take this the wrong way, but it took me a long time to realise, that in the end the only people we can rely on 100% is ourselves. We need to be our own support as much as possible, as all manner of situations can change and give stess / upset.

I hope things resolve with your friend - stay strong - perhaps she needs your support now? In any case, she wouldn't want you to be drinking over her situation now, would she

Hang in there Xx

Itchy

Stay sober, get solid. She will return or not. I can tell you that if it is right she will be back. If not be grateful for avoiding a serious heartbreak. I am sorry you got such a dramatic girl dynamic going on. That is tough.

zach4677

thanks, yeah she would be pretty mad if I quit after 13 days, I havnt gone this long without drinking since I was 17. One of the reasons she finally decided to come meet me in person is so she could be with me during my first few days of sobriety

just not sure why all these crazy stressful events in life decided to start happening when I decided I needed to quit drinking

KateL

It's the nature of the beast unfortunately. If she gets in touch she gets in touch. If not, you probably won't want to hear this and think it is piffle, but you will get over it. There will be plenty more lovely girls and perhaps ones that live closer. Please don't drink because of it. Ride the storm or things will just get worse. Hang on in there xxxx

autan

If you mean as much to each other as you say, then it is important you don't let her down by drinking now. When you get back in touch and you will, think how proud she will be that the past year wasn't wasted.

TucTee

Predicating your sobriety on the potential success of this relationship should be secondary, even tertiary. You have to first affirm to yourself you will stay sober regardless of how this matter resolves.

That said, I don't understand why she can't call you or otherwise reach you. Did the things her mother did eliminate the only methods of communication available? I'm thinking you could still communicate by e-mail at least.

jazzfish

No, she isn't, which raises my suspicions about whether her mom was the one who blocked you on the phone and FB.

Focus on your sobriety and if the relationship is meant to be, then it will work out, but don't wait for it.

Markdad3

For me, I found peace in the Big Book in AA where it says that no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. I believe this to be very true. The drinking is a symptom of a thinking disease we alcoholics and addicts have. It is great when we meet people that support us, but I have found I cannot rely on other people outside of God and the fellowship of AA to keep me sober. Hang in there, it gets better!

PurpleKnight

It's a tough one!! . . . I wish things work out as your clearly mad about her, but if on the other hand she disappears out of your life as a result then you've got to find something else within yourself to remain sober, whether that means attending meetings, coming up with a new plan etc

The foundation for being sober can't be within another person, as unfortuantly life is cruel and people may not always be there, instead finding something strong within yourself, which is untouchable no matter what happens in life is the way forward!

But don't get me wrong, it's not an easy thing to go through, especially when it involves someone you care about.

NoJimmy

I also find it a little suspicious a 22 year old would allow their Mom to control such things. But the reality is that upsets and disappointments are a part of life that don't miraculously stop during sobriety. Point two, viewing her as the only reason you're managing to stay sober is a lot of weight to put on someone. As others mentioned, you need to do this for you, because you are the only person you can rely on with 100% certainty. Our relationships are often as unpredictable as our sobriety in early recovery, who can blame them for giving up when we keep giving up on ourselves. I say recalibrate your reasons, find some stability in this with yourself, and become the man you're capable of being. So far that has served me pretty well.

zach4677

thanks everyone, and I was actually able to contact her this morning.

I plan on putting my sobriety first

EndGameNYC

Placing your sobriety in the hands of any one individual, especially one you see as a potential partner, is a setup for relapse.

There's a line from Judith Guest's excellent novel and later, Academy Award-winning film, Ordinary People. "Don't admire people too much, they might disappoint you." It's a great and fast read, and worth the watch.

Also, and not to focus too much on what's going on nine-hundred miles and a whole lifetime away from you, you might consider that this woman has previously traveled long distances to "help" others in need before, and maybe didn't have such a good time of it. In this case, her mother may be protecting her daughter from herself.

Fact is, making that trip without truly knowing you is a bit off, not to mention that spending one's time talking someone "out of drinking every single day" for a year is probably not the healthiest way to live, no matter how noble this may seem.