James86

Am I enabling my AB by continuing to pay for his cell phone? I have paid for it for the past five years, but I asked him to leave the house last week until he wants to enter rehab. I thought he'd beg for rehab in a matter of days, but that didn't work. He has no car, no money and no home. He's been sleeping on friends' couches. He tells me he has a temp job, but I believe it's two hours a day and only about 2-3 days a week. That obviously is not enough to live on (or so I'm hoping so that he seeks treatment soon). Anyway --- friends are telling me to stop paying for his cell phone and teach him what he's losing by continuing to use drugs and treating me like crap. However, I'm afraid if I shut his phone off, he will be bitter and hold it against me forever. They tell me that he can use it to get drugs though. What is everyone's opinions? He never paid for it to begin with, (he paid for other bills), so I'm not sure if it's enabling. I'm hoping he seeks treatment and one day we can be together, so I guess I am keeping the phone active in hopes of that. Any advice would help!! Will he get over me shutting the phone off once he's sober?

Txhelp

Is the only reason that you are paying for his cell is..."he will be bitter and hold it against me forever?"

Why do you care? Do you think he cares about your bitterness or if you will hold what he did to you against him?

I would say "yes" it's enabling. Is he capable of getting a job and paying for it himself?

Maui78

Shut the phone off. It doesn't matter if it fits someone's definition of enabling. You are stuck in the mindset that something you do or don't do will change his behavior. It won't. HE will change his behavior when he is ready to. No sooner. Wouldn't your time be better spent going to an alanon meeting, seeking counseling for yourself and focusing on other things that aren't hurting, stressing and making you crazy? Please start thinking about what we have said, read the stickies at the top of the forum. I fear you ate asking the same questions because you don't like the answers. " the truth will set you free, but first it will ptick you off". I hope you can come to acceptance of the reality of the situation. He is an active addict, and will do everything addicts do until he's done.

allforcnm

There are different views on enabling; sometimes family shut phones off, sometimes they continue to pay for them because it is the only means of communication and they feel it has value to them, and/or their addicted loved one. Depends on the relationship. He probably would use it to arrange for drugs, but maybe he works or lives with his drug providers... Its really your choice. If it was my husband, and we had a standing arrangement from the past and I had paid it for 5 years then personally I would give him notice, and then it would be up to him to make arrangements.

To answer the last part of your question based on my experience - after my husband entered rehab and stopped using he did understand why I did the things I did, and we worked through all of it. He told me he knew my sense of self preservation kicked in. But while he was using he was hurt over some of the things I did; addicted people still have emotions but sometimes their ability to reason/process is altered due to the drugs.

KeepinItReal

Even if you shut his phone off he will still be able to get another throw-away phone to use to get drugs. He might not even need a phone to get drugs. When someone wants something more than anything in the whole World.. they find a way. If he wanted to save this relationship more than to save his relationship with H then he would.

I am an extremely slow learner with my own enabling and my own addiction to hope. I understand why your doing what your doing. If you turn off his phone you will feel like you really lost him. You won't be able to contact him when you want and you will feel as though you gave up on him. I love a heroin addict and I know what it feels like to feel your loved one slowly slipping away. They are not their best selves but the worst true self.

I ride the roller coaster.

hopeful4

This.

Question...I hope you do not think that him going to rehab will make it all well?? It sounds like he has no real interest in going and for rehab to work it has to be something they truly want...for themselves. Not for you or for their family. If he is not ready it would be a waste.

Get away while you can. Stop paying for everything. Let him see what he is doing to himself.