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Every bottle should go down the drain

Old 12-12-2013, 05:14 PM
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Every bottle should go down the drain

Except that drain is my throat.

Well, since I last posted here, I have drank alcohol. But I have not had any 'bad' things happen. We can thank the universe for small miracles.

There are so many thoughts racing through my mind right now that it is very hard to stop one and think about it rationally. What the hell am I doing? Wasting money, mimicking my drug addict parents, running from my feelings, running from my circumstances, giving up... trying to get fukked up so I don't have to realize the dead end ******** my life has become?

And the worst part is, my life isn't ******** because of drinking. I used to make great money - at 21 I was making 4K a month as a sales rep for an electronics company. At 23, I was an administrator at an insurance company making 15$ an hour. Now? All I can find is 8$/hr jobs washing dishes in kitchens, and not even for full time.

I have no car, I have no savings, I have no help from family or friends. I keep running to a bottle so I can drink it and forget that I'm alive. I don't want to hurt or kill myself... but when you are trying to drink yourself into stupidity so your brain doesn't have to wrap itself around the colossal fukkup your life is, what else can be done?

I live in America. I look for new jobs *every day* online and in real life and through networking. I walk 45 minutes each way to and from work so I don't have to pay the bus recently... in the snow. And it's 12 degrees outside at 6am when I leave. I am not lazy, I am not complaining because I can't find a dream job or whatever... I just want to be able to pay my freaking bills and survive. My partner and I even rented out our extra room this month to a stranger so we would have more money to pay bills. Two working people can't pay a 2-bed apartment?? What is happening?!

I'm sorry. Bad night. Not even drinking... just thinking about how awful my situation is, and how I will never get out of this hole again. Thanks American corporations and government - you've done us a great service. /sarcasm.
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Old 12-12-2013, 05:22 PM
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I'm sorry Jade, and I know it's really, really hard to find a job. And, I think it's so sad that people who work can't manage to make ends meet. But, you know that drinking is not going to help and it will make things worse. I have no advice except to continue to put yourself out there looking for jobs and to keep working on your recovery.
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Old 12-12-2013, 05:26 PM
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I know. And it's the only advice anyone can give, I even give it to myself. But what if it doesn't work? I'm not even asking from a point of view concerned with drinking... but just life. What if this is it, and America keeps declining and I have nothing else to work towards? Did I already hit my peak at 21? Am I destined to work minimum wage jobs and struggle day to day?

And if so... the conclusion becomes... who the hell wouldn't drink?
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Old 12-12-2013, 05:38 PM
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Originally Posted by JadeSatellite View Post
I'm not even asking from a point of view concerned with drinking... but just life...who the hell wouldn't drink?
Your venting may be about the economy, but it's tinged with the despair of a drinker, and I'm not sure a positive change in your circumstances would change that. There was a post from a guy bragging about the millions he has made. And he was drinking. Sounded miserable.

Sorry for your situation. You can't control much, but you can decide to quit drinking.
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Old 12-12-2013, 05:38 PM
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Originally Posted by JadeSatellite View Post
.. who the hell wouldn't drink?
I choose not to drink because it makes my life better. I would guess a lot of others here do the same regardless of their salary or social standing.

I get where you are coming from, but frankly you are just using your current situation as an excuse to drink. There are people far worse off than you that make a decision to get sober and better their lives.

Are you here to seek help?
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Old 12-12-2013, 05:44 PM
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You need to accept that in your present situation, you cannot cope. Its unreasonable to expect anyone to be able to turn things around in your present condition.

When your sober, hopefully you are now.

Try to imagine yourself in the third person. Take a look at yourself drinking and try not to judge. See that the drink isn't part of the problem, in fact it has no power except one, its there.

So to make a small change, rid yourself of any bottles of booze and focus your efforts to not buying anymore. This will inevitably reduce the number of drinks you have to nil, pretty quick.


The side effect, will be instantly noticed, because you will have slightly more money in your pocket.

Next ask yourself, what is the best use of that money, maybe pay a bill off, maybe spend it on transport looking for jobs. Perhaps you just want to build up a small pile of cash over the coming months. Its not nice being skint, but now you can see a way out of it.

Tiny steps achieve more than grand proclamations.
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Old 12-12-2013, 05:54 PM
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I guess it's just that I've been trying for so long, that after a while when nothing works, you feel like there's nothing to fight towards or for. When you make $8 an hour, take out the taxes, then calculate rent, electric, gas, and other bills, you barely have enough for food and even transportation. At the moment, walking to and from work seems worth it to be able to have a drink at the end of your crappy day.

I'm not using my circumstances as an excuse, I know I am an alcoholic, that isn't the issue here. I'm talking from a standpoint of life in and of itself. When life is unbearable because of circumstances you haven't been able to overcome, what in the hell are you supposed to do?
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Old 12-12-2013, 05:58 PM
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Well, in everything I know, they are cutting wages because they want exports in the U.S. (are you in the U.K.? probably the same) to be worth more. It is giant corporate America and you cannot fight it.

Accept it. Be creative and find ways to save, cut back, make more, whatever.

There is also very much more to life than money. And f*ck them.
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Old 12-12-2013, 06:01 PM
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There *is* more to life than money. But what happens when I can't pay the rent, and I'm stuck homeless on the streets in a 12 degree Ohio winter? I accept it, but jesus fukk, we aren't able to pay our normal bills. Creative? In what way? We barely have the heat on, we barely eat, I walk to and from work... I have nothing to sell. All I have are my clothing and laptop, and the usefulness of my laptop far outweighs what it could be sold for.
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Old 12-12-2013, 06:02 PM
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When life got unbearable for me, I turned to alcohol.
When that solution turned on me as well, I found support and recovery.

My life's not that much materially better - I'm still under the poverty line - but I'm happy, I'm well fed, I have shelter and I'm sober, I spend my days doing useful worthwhile things for myself and others. I'm grateful for what I have.

I'm really not having a go at you there, or when I say I don't miss the despair drinking bought or the feeling sorry for myself either....

I see now a lot of that was alcohol driven, even when I wasn't drinking...I was primed to drink because of the way I was feeling

Find some support Jade.
I really hope you can stop drinking, find a job, and turn things around soon

If you can;t pay the rent, speak to the landlord sooner than late - maybe you can work out a deal...look for all the assistance you're entitled to - & hit the local Food Bank.

D
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Old 12-12-2013, 06:07 PM
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Dee- We've already spoken to the landlord - that's why for 3 months we have paid the rent almost a month late. We have eaten out of food pantries for 2 years. We are working on food stamps but they are putting up every block they possibly can (been trying for 2 months). I am getting free mental health care from a hospital for anti-depressants. Our bills are pro-rated so they are the same every month to help with costs. But since I don't have babies, that is all I am eligible for. I have no idea what else to do... I am trying to find a 2nd job, but not having a car is making it near impossible. I *literally* have done everything you told me to do just now. That is why I am at the end of my rope.
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Old 12-12-2013, 06:08 PM
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Originally Posted by JadeSatellite View Post
There *is* more to life than money. But what happens when I can't pay the rent, and I'm stuck homeless on the streets in a 12 degree Ohio winter? I accept it, but jesus fukk, we aren't able to pay our normal bills. Creative? In what way? We barely have the heat on, we barely eat, I walk to and from work... I have nothing to sell. All I have are my clothing and laptop, and the usefulness of my laptop far outweighs what it could be sold for.
Your spending your rent money on alcohol. Your spending your food money on alcohol.

You know that alcohol will not make you feel better, that is because it is a depressant.

Giving up alcohol wont make everything alright, but its a damn good place to start.
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Old 12-12-2013, 06:10 PM
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maybe other buckeyes will have better ideas Jade...all I can offer is you call 2-1-1 and have a chat.

2-1-1 Call Center Search

2-1-1 provides free and confidential information and referral. Call 2-1-1 for help with food, housing, employment, health care, counseling and more. Learn more about your local 2-1-1 by looking it up here.
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Old 12-12-2013, 06:17 PM
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Autan - you are completely right. I could scrounge and save every penny to make sure rent would get paid.... 2 days earlier, and I'd still need to pay a late fee. I spent $4 a day on the bus, but then I realized I could walk and have a drink at the end of the night for the same amount and at least feel relaxed for a brief moment in time.

Yes, I am escaping. Why wouldn't I want to escape? I wake up in the morning to work a crap job for barely above minimum wage where I bust my ass for little to nothing. I could also quit eating most food and eat ramen for every meal and be able to pay the rent. And for what?

I guess I came here tonight because I feel hopeless. I haven't drank in a week, but I feel so hopeless that little purchases here and there don't matter. I quit taking the bus and started walking. I eat a free meal at work and then nothing else for the rest of the day. I save and scrounge... only to still be hundreds of dollars short on rent. Me not buying a $4 dollar bottle of wine will not help that I still need $300 for my rent.

I'm not trying to excuse my drinking, though it probably sounds like I am. The fact is, even if I walked to and from work every day, never drank, and only ate food from pantries, I'd be miserable and poverty stricken and late on rent. I'm just at the bottom.
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Old 12-12-2013, 06:23 PM
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I understand about drinking for escape.
I did it for 20 years - 'you'd drink too if you had my life...'

The only problem is it brings a few hours respite, at best, but also it brings along things like disgust, remorse, guilt, fear, shame and despair with it.

I still have my life, still disabled, still housebound, still not great health, but I no longer drink on it.
I see others with worse lives than I've ever had, not drinking on it too.

It took me about 12 months of strict budgeting to be debt free, but it was worth it.

Thats about all I have to offer Jade, a promise that not drinking will make it better.
I hope 2014 will be a better year for you.

D
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Old 12-12-2013, 06:26 PM
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Thank you Dee. But the way this American economy is going, thanks to the politics, horrendous policy and laws, I doubt that next year will be any better. Cuz guess what... now I have to pay for health insurance, even when I can't pay rent, or they till tax me even more. I see no end except with me ending up on the street or living on a couch.
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Old 12-12-2013, 06:28 PM
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The $4 woont make a difference on the $300 needed for rent. BUT, how you feel not drinking after a couple of weeks will make you more employable. How you feel shows in an interview. I hope that makes sense.
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Old 12-12-2013, 06:30 PM
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Then, I hope it doesn't offend if I say I'll send up a prayer or two to the Big Guy for you Jade

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Old 12-12-2013, 06:30 PM
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I understand that your at the bottom, but your not alone. There are millions of people around the world in the same problems as yourself.

The solution is money. I know its not popular, but I am one of those people who does believe money is everything because you can change your life with it.

The only solution is to reduce your outgoings and it seems you have done this, next you need to increase your income. You need a second, third maybe even a completely different job.

Time spent not drinking, is time when you can be working, even a hour here and an hour there. In time things will improve. Staying sober will be the best way to change your life and you will be the strongest amongst us, when you acheive it.

My advice to you is WORK, WORK WORK. Take your mind of your worries. Take any work you can find and fit it. Sleep when you can, eat when you can and forget the $4 bottle a wine to make you feel better, it wont help you. If it did, if it really did, we wouldnt be here now.
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Old 12-12-2013, 06:30 PM
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Mikie - No, it won't. I don't drink every day, and I am not binging. A drink one night will not mess me up for an interview. Plus - the jobs that are willing to hire me will hire any ******** idiot - please take a look at the morons employed in retail or foodservice. Even alcoholic potheads have jobs at McDonalds.
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