Can I?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 37
Can I?
I tell people I've only been battling this for a few years, since an attack while camping (and the trauma of the trial) made me incapable of being alone or leaving my house. I ended up having to quit a very public and prominent job that took me all over the world because I found myself constantly in states of severe anxiety if none of my coworkers were in sight. I started getting lost in places I'd been dozens of times and would end up in tears in random doorways convinced I was going to die.
So for the first time in my life, I had nothing to do. My job made it difficult to have close friends so I was alone. I started drinking. And drinking. And drinking. But I also know that whenever I drank before all the trauma, I drank alcohollically. I didn't drink often but when I did I always binged.
Except this time when I stopped drinking I'd be in a panic the next day. Sweating, pacing, begging for death, hallucinating and it just got worse everytime. I took myself to rehab within 3 months of this happening but upon getting out, I realized that all my problems were still there. I was so focused on getting sober that I forgot everything else.
And that brings me here. I go days, weeks, months without a drink then something in my brain tells me I can have just one. Then somehow I have a few more. I can't understand why there seems to be something in my head that shuts off and destroys my willpower. For me, the anxiety because of kindling is worse and longer everytime. I'd give anything to only have the nausea, sweating, insomnia and headaches because the anxiety is horrible. I've spent all day today convinced I'm going to have a heart attack. My doctor is supportive and understanding (he's given me a week's worth of 2mg of diazepam but it hasn't been helping). I can't go to any of the local hospitals because they all know me from past detoxes and turn me away.
I've recently moved to a town with alcohol and psychological resources mostly within walking distance and I'm on their waiting lists. I can't drive at the minute and pretty much lose my s*** whenever I try to get a bus (a nice lady at the bus station had to practically carry me to my alcohol counseling assessment, I'd been sober for months but it never goes well when I travel on my own now- luckily the place I'll be having my actual sessions is down the road).
This anxiety is killer. I don't know if I can do it this time. It's getting too hard and I know it's my fault but it doesn't mean it's not horrendous.
I came on this site a couple years ago to get advice for my then boyfriend about coping with my problem and got a lot of snarky responses. I'm selfish and doing everything wrong with my sobriety but I am trying. I'm trying so hard. Please I could just use a few nice words because I don't know if I can get through this this time.
Thank you.
So for the first time in my life, I had nothing to do. My job made it difficult to have close friends so I was alone. I started drinking. And drinking. And drinking. But I also know that whenever I drank before all the trauma, I drank alcohollically. I didn't drink often but when I did I always binged.
Except this time when I stopped drinking I'd be in a panic the next day. Sweating, pacing, begging for death, hallucinating and it just got worse everytime. I took myself to rehab within 3 months of this happening but upon getting out, I realized that all my problems were still there. I was so focused on getting sober that I forgot everything else.
And that brings me here. I go days, weeks, months without a drink then something in my brain tells me I can have just one. Then somehow I have a few more. I can't understand why there seems to be something in my head that shuts off and destroys my willpower. For me, the anxiety because of kindling is worse and longer everytime. I'd give anything to only have the nausea, sweating, insomnia and headaches because the anxiety is horrible. I've spent all day today convinced I'm going to have a heart attack. My doctor is supportive and understanding (he's given me a week's worth of 2mg of diazepam but it hasn't been helping). I can't go to any of the local hospitals because they all know me from past detoxes and turn me away.
I've recently moved to a town with alcohol and psychological resources mostly within walking distance and I'm on their waiting lists. I can't drive at the minute and pretty much lose my s*** whenever I try to get a bus (a nice lady at the bus station had to practically carry me to my alcohol counseling assessment, I'd been sober for months but it never goes well when I travel on my own now- luckily the place I'll be having my actual sessions is down the road).
This anxiety is killer. I don't know if I can do it this time. It's getting too hard and I know it's my fault but it doesn't mean it's not horrendous.
I came on this site a couple years ago to get advice for my then boyfriend about coping with my problem and got a lot of snarky responses. I'm selfish and doing everything wrong with my sobriety but I am trying. I'm trying so hard. Please I could just use a few nice words because I don't know if I can get through this this time.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
You don't have to deal with this alone, even if we seem like disembodied digital voices.
Is there anyone you can call to help you get to your counseling appointments?
Panic, agoraphobia and addiction are common after extreme trauma. And it does sound like you added alcohol withdrawal to the mix with some pretty nasty symptoms. Can you reach out to anyone for face-to-face help?
Is there anyone you can call to help you get to your counseling appointments?
Panic, agoraphobia and addiction are common after extreme trauma. And it does sound like you added alcohol withdrawal to the mix with some pretty nasty symptoms. Can you reach out to anyone for face-to-face help?
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome Somehope. SR is my main source of suport, hope you can find some here as well.
Out of curiosity, what kind of help have you sought for the anxiety itself? As you know well the alcohol is usually not the cause of the root problems, but it obviously makes them worse.
Out of curiosity, what kind of help have you sought for the anxiety itself? As you know well the alcohol is usually not the cause of the root problems, but it obviously makes them worse.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
I don't know why you think anxiety is your fault. I don't. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Maybe some physiological counseling would help. I don't know what a regular doctor can do for you except feed you drugs. Thinking of you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Hey somehope, I wouldn't worry about the odd few that post upsetting responses, the majority of us are struggling through our own challenges and appreciate when people share and give support, the Forum is built around being a community.
I'll not burden you with questions about the ins and outs of your recovery, all I'll say is you can do it, you can push through, we all came to being sober scared, anxious and having doubts as to whether it was possible . . . I know it can be done, others will say the same.
Use this Forum as a means of support, hell I log in 10 times a day, just to feel like someone, somewhere in the world has an idea of what I'm feeling, and every time I log out I carry on my day with a sense of hope that I can go a little while longer being sober.
Keep going, we all have it in us to turn things around!
I'll not burden you with questions about the ins and outs of your recovery, all I'll say is you can do it, you can push through, we all came to being sober scared, anxious and having doubts as to whether it was possible . . . I know it can be done, others will say the same.
Use this Forum as a means of support, hell I log in 10 times a day, just to feel like someone, somewhere in the world has an idea of what I'm feeling, and every time I log out I carry on my day with a sense of hope that I can go a little while longer being sober.
Keep going, we all have it in us to turn things around!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 37
Thank you for your reply.
No not really. I don't have any family or friends. It's why I moved to my new house- I thought it'd be easier on me to get to appointments and even just the grocery store if I could walk there in a couple minutes.
I know alcohol withdrawal takes time, I know about kindling and PAWS but it's so bad this time I don't know if I can do it.
No not really. I don't have any family or friends. It's why I moved to my new house- I thought it'd be easier on me to get to appointments and even just the grocery store if I could walk there in a couple minutes.
I know alcohol withdrawal takes time, I know about kindling and PAWS but it's so bad this time I don't know if I can do it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI 
Welcome Somehope. SR is my main source of suport, hope you can find some here as well.
Out of curiosity, what kind of help have you sought for the anxiety itself? As you know well the alcohol is usually not the cause of the root problems, but it obviously makes them worse.
Out of curiosity, what kind of help have you sought for the anxiety itself? As you know well the alcohol is usually not the cause of the root problems, but it obviously makes them worse.
My doctor has tried a few different meds trying to find one that will help. I was on a waiting list for a few months for CBT but by the time it came through I got my new house so I've had to go back on another county's waiting list. I've had my initial assessment and am waiting for an appointment. I downloaded loads of CBT worksheets and books to help in the meantime but when I've had a drink nothing works. When it's just my day to day fear its semi manageable but if alcohol is involved I turn into a basket case the next few days. Even if I only have a couple drinks.
I just dunno if I can get through this withdrawal this time. I thought I was done with this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 37
I just wanted to say that I wasn't posting about suicide attempts or desires. My desire is to get better and stay better. I know if I don't beat this I'll end up in a box and I definitely don't want that.
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